20 Things I Learned in Sex Class

(the one I teach)

For the past seven years, I have hosted sold-out sexuality seminars in cities around the world. I don't know if it's because I'm a woman (less threatening?), because I've written two best-selling sex manuals (one for men, one for women) or because I arrive with a Tumi bag filled with sex toys, but everyone seems eager to share their experiences. Playboy asked me to document what I've learned from my thousands of students:

1 A man who realizes how important foreplay is to a woman knows that something that happens at eight a.m. can affect events at 10 P.M. There's the quick-call-during-the-day foreplay, flower foreplay, dinner foreplay, take-out-the-trash foreplay, massaging-her-feet foreplay, honey-let-me-do-it foreplay. Anything that lets her know you are thinking of her is foreplay.

2 Women want to be with men they are proud to be seen with. A man who has it together on the outside leaves the impression that he has it together on the inside. Women find confidence very sexy. If in doubt, have a female friend vet your appearance.

3 If a woman genuinely feels you are paying attention, you'll receive the keys to the kingdom. It's more than just allowing her words to vibrate your tympanic membrane---it's your response. "My boyfriend knew I loved my nightly bath, because it was how I unwound," one woman explained. "I knew he was the man for me when he created space for me in his (text continued on page 156)20 Ghings(continued from page 106) bathroom for my favorite bath salts and a bath tray so I could read."

(4) Don't tell a woman she has a great body until you've been together. Otherwise, it's just a line---and one she isn't going to believe.

(5) A woman is the most complicated fuse in the house. If she gets too much current too soon to any particular area, her sensory circuits could overload and you'll have to start over. Many things can blow the fuse. If you ignore instructions such as "I like a lighter touch" or "please don't pinch my nipples," you are heading for darkness.

(6) When you're introducing a new activity to the bedroom, never say it was something you did with a former lover. Instead, tell your partner you saw it in a book, a film or a dream and that it seemed like it might be fun. Emphasize that there isn't anything missing from your sex life, but that she gives you the freedom that makes you comfortable exploring your fantasies. If she didn't, you wouldn't have brought it up. If she's reluctant, ask her to describe one of her fantasies; maybe they can be merged.

(7) Hockey players are usually great lovers. Their strong hip flexors and abdominal muscles give them stamina. That helps them maintain a rhythm that women enjoy. If you're not in the rink regularly, hit the hip and thigh machines and the stationary bike.

(8) Most women consider a man's width before his length. In a deep-penetrating position, a man who has too much length is likely to hit the neck of her cervix, which can be painful. A man who rams his partner like a porn stud is providing a sensation not unlike a punch in the stomach.

(9) For most women the missionary position does not lead to orgasm. They need fingers and tongue. If porn directors were to show what actually works while going down on a woman, they wouldn't have much of a shot, just a guy's head buried between a woman's legs. That's why you see men wagging the tip of their tongue in the general area of the woman's clitoris. One woman asked me, "What's the deal with those flickers? Tell the guys to suck on us like they want us to suck on them." The best combo is suction and constant movement. Use either side of your tongue. Some women enjoy being nibbled and even bitten gently. You'll have to ask.

(10) Men often touch a woman too firmly and too directly on the action spots. At the same time, women tend to touch men too lightly and too tentatively. It makes sense if you remember that people invariably touch as they like to be touched. Testosterone makes a man's skin thicker and denser, which is why he prefers a firmer touch. Ask your partner to demonstrate the pressure she prefers by pressing on your hand. If you prefer more pressure on the shaft or the head of your cock, place your hand over hers and squeeze to show her.

(11) For many men a warm, wet tongue in the ear is a turn-on (the tiny hairs that grow there as you age are very sensitive). For most women it feels like her head is inside a washing machine.

(12) The finger "dip test" is not the best way to see if a woman is wet enough for intercourse. Lubrication is one indicator of arousal but not the best or sole indicator. A better way of gauging arousal is to pay attention to her breathing. It should be deep and relaxed. The more relaxed a woman is, the more you will be able to turn her on. Also, don't hesitate to make use of water-based artificial lubricants, even if she's aroused. Her genitals, when exposed, can dry out quickly.

(13) Whenever you manually or orally stimulate a woman's vulva and she shifts her hips a smidgen, don't return your tongue or finger like a homing pigeon to where you left off. She is using her hips to adjust your touch.

(14) When she gasps "That's it" or "There!" don't take it as a cue to speed up or add force. I ask men what they hear when a woman says, "There!" One told me he thought, Am I there? Is this there? Where's there? Did I just move from there? I wish she would move me there.

You're there. Stay put! A man finds this challenging because when a woman hits a spot that makes him say, "That's it," he wants her to speed up.

(15) Don't tweak a woman's nipples unless she requests it. Instead, move slowly from underneath, cradle them, then head over the top and back down. Circling the areolae softly with your thumb is a fine idea.

(16) Slow down, guys. You've heard this before, in the car as well as in bed. Men tend to work fast---they may be excited, they may fear interruptions from the kids, they may not be sure they can sustain their erections (ye of little faith). Women usually need a buildup. As partners, the two of you need to compromise and adapt. Every lovemaking session doesn't have to last two hours, but they all shouldn't last two minutes either.

(17) Some women don't feel anything when their G spot is stimulated, others go nuts. If she's going to feel anything, the area must be engorged---i.e., she has to be aroused. To find her G spot, imagine there is a clock face overlaying the vaginal entry with 12 at the peak of her pubic hair. Typically, the greatest sensitivity is on the front vaginal wall between 11 o'clock and 1 o'clock. The area is just past the pubic bone, up toward the belly button. If a woman is not aroused, pressure on the spot often makes her feel like she has to urinate, which makes sense because you're pressing close to her bladder. The best sexual position for finding the spot is often doggy style. The man can use a firm, curving, downward motion with his fingers pressing toward the floor.

(18) You may notice a woman checking out your hands. She's imagining how they will feel on her body. Keep them manicured and clean. There's another reason this is important. If you are touching a woman's clitoris or vulva and hit her with a sharp nail's edge, it's over. She won't be able to keep from thinking, When is that going to happen again? It's a feeling comparable to having the head of your penis poked with a nail. If you aren't sure if your nails are too long, hook your finger over your lower teeth and against your gum. If you can feel it, so will she.

(19) While you're at it, test the coarseness of the area just below your lower lip. It's important that it be smooth, especially when you are kissing or going south of the border. Rub the area on your inner wrist. If you feel something, so will she, except it will feel like a file to her. Electric razors fit nicely in valises and glove compartments.

(20) Women worry about giving men directions. They don't want to be seen as sexual traffic cops, and they fear being judged. A wise man never reacts negatively to a woman's honesty about what turns her on.