Slick Willie: A Fond Farewell

You may love him or you may hate him, but all of us will miss him when he's gone. His bleary bedroom eyes, his husky, sugary voice, his celerity as he slides between the cerebral and the seductive; weeks from now we will seek out those features, but we will punch the remote in vain. Bill Clinton looms above fin de siècle America as a large and restless giant---part prodigy, part Baby Huey. He is everything we like and loathe about ourselves. Only when he's gone will we realize that we never had it so good.

This may be more true for Clinton's enemies than for his friends. Clinton's friends, after all, are the ones who had to put up with all his embarrassing antics and elliptical defenses. They are the ones who mastered the footwork of "the definition of sex" fandango and "the definition of 'is' is" cha-cha. Not since the Polish cavalry rode out to meet Panzers has a side been so pathetically underarmed.

Clinton's enemies, on the other hand, feasted. They got to beat him like a rented mule. They accused him of everything from rape to murder to hanging pornographic ornaments on a Christmas tree. They spent five years and $50 million investigating a land deal in which nobody made any money; a suicide, which after three probes remained a suicide; and a series of mostly (text concluded on page 238)Slick Willie(continued from page 102) unconsummated blow jobs, which became an issue in a sexual harassment suit in which no proof of sexual harassment was ever offered. They forgave him nothing, winked at nothing, gave nothing a base on balls, cut him not one inch of slack and showed not one ounce of sense. And here's the funny part: Clinton's antagonists got more of their agenda realized than did Clinton's friends.

Thesis, antithesis, synthesis. It's been nearly two centuries since old coach Hegel first drew history's great game plan up on the chalkboard, but it's still relevant today. The pressure to use the government as a force for change in the Kennedy-Johnson Sixties gave way to the tightfisted, antigovernment sentiments of the Reagan Eighties. Clinton's presidency is a child of both. Wherever poor Ronald Reagan is today, he would hardly criticize a president who has balanced the budget, reduced the government, cut welfare, bombed the snot out of Serbia (without a casualty!) and even supported a satellite defense system. Yes, Ron, Star Wars!

But of course Clinton's enemies aren't happy. They have lost the culture war. The Moral Majority blew its wad on Zip-pergate. Clinton's lilliputian rivals pulled out every weapon in the legal arsenal and thundered down every rhetorical lightning bolt they could muster---Henry Hyde even invoked the blood of the men who died on Omaha Beach---and America shrugged. Bill Clinton got away with being blown, while his enemies gnashed their teeth.

But not too hard and not for long. The marvelous formulation by James Carville, his swamp rat Merlin---"It's the economy, stupid"---was never contradicted. The man who was elected by saying "I feel your pain" presided over the longest economic expansion in American history. Bill Clinton's enemies can sit in their country clubs and count their money and castigate his moral weakness and feel superior to the man who largely delivered their agenda. And Bill Clinton's friends can sit wherever they sit and count their money and feel superior to the moralistic mau-maus and hypocritical hyenas on the right.

Whoever we are, we can have our cake and eat it, too.

Thanks, Bill. Good luck in Malibu. Try to stay out of trouble.

John Updike chose the President's pursuit of happiness with Monica as one of the 10 most important libidinal episodes in American history.

With Enemies Like These, Who Needs Friends?

No one, not even James Bond, has ever had better enemies: clever, capable and ultimately self-destructing. Just as in "The Sopranos," Clinton's enemies paid for every flaw. The prissy Starr, the operatic Gingrich, sour Tom DeLay, stingy Dick Armey, slick Trent Lott, bombastic Bob Barr---together and singly they had all the personality of a high school vice principal. (Don't forget preppie George Bush! Dark Bob Dole! The mysteriously diabolical Richard Mellon Scaife!) Many of their errors loom larger in the Clinton story than do his achievements. Here are their top seven mistakes:

1 Not cutting an early deal with Monica Lewinsky. Shortly after the Monica Lewinsky story breaks, Clinton teeters before a full-fledged rush to judgment. Commentators are already burying him. For the small price of full immunity, Ken Starr can have Lewinsky's testimony; with it, Clinton's allies will almost certainly desert him. Instead, Starr pussyfoots. By the time Starr cuts the same deal six months later, the moment of opportunity is lost.

2 Shutting down the government in 1995. A case of political jujitsu: A year after their landslide midterm victory, congressional Republicans have wrung innumerable concessions from Clinton. Instead of declaring victory, they demand more. When he balks, they shut down the government in a huff. Whoops! Suddenly they seem irresponsible, while Clinton seems strong. The pressure of the standoff eventually gets to Newt, who collapses in tears. Clinton, meanwhile, is reborn. (Interesting side note: During the shutdown, eager intern Monica Lewinsky delivers the president a memorable pizza.)

3 Buchanan speaks. Instead of a celebration where everyone remembers how fun the Gulf war was, the 1992 GOP convention gets taken over by loser Pat Buchanan, who declares a culture war. "It probably sounded better in the original German," comments Molly Ivins. Bush gets no bounce, spends the campaign on the defensive.

4 Linda tripp, poster girl. A lesson for history: If you want to bring down a president, relying on a grasping harpy who is double-crossing a troubled friend is not the way to seize the moral high ground.

5 Newt Whines. The arcane budget battle of 1995 is interrupted when Yitzhak Rabin is assassinated and official Washington flies to the funeral. Upon their return, Gingrich complains about leaving by the back door of Air Force One. The Republican side suddenly has a face, and it is childish and petulant.

6 George bush blows it. Trailing Clinton going into their second debate. Bush is asked how he personally has been affected by the recession and proceeds to botch the response. Clinton then dramatically steps into the crowd and demonstrates that he cares. Later the camera catches Bush looking at his watch. What time was it? A quarter past over.

7 Bob dole falls off the stage. OK, to be fair, the railing collapsed. This doesn't actually cost Bob the election, but it neatly symbolizes his problem: wrong guy, wrong place, wrong time, on his ass.

Annual federal deficit for 1992: $290 billion

Projected federal surplus for fiscal year 2000: $232 billion

Unemployment rate, January 1993: 7.3%

Unemployment rate, July 2000: 4%

Dow Jones industrial average on January 20, 1993: 3242

Dow Jones industrial average on August 4, 2000: 10,707

Sound Bites

"I did not have sexual relations with that woman"---and other mouthfuls from the clinton era.

"Excuse me for speaking while you're interrupting."---James Carville

"He was thinking with another head."---Gennifer Flowers

"I'm really sorry for everything that's happened. And I hate Linda Tripp."---Monica Lewinsky

"I'm not paranoid; I'm not delusional. I'm normal."---Linda Tripp

"What's the charge? What's the charge?"---Dee Dee Myers

"We're not going to hear from Monica Lewinsky, we're not going to hear from Kenneth Starr. What are we going to do at these hearings, play records."---Barney Frank

"What sort of girl do you think I am?"

---Monica Lewinsky

"Yes, Bill Clinton is a big flirt. He flirts with men. He flirts with women. He flirts with pets."---Dee Dee Myers

"People say to me, 'Are you scared of Ken Starr?' He'd better be scared of me, because I'm on my way back."---Susan McDougal

"The statute of limitations has long since passed on my youthful indiscretions."---Henry Hyde

"I was under that very desk 35 years ago, and I could tell you there's barely room for a three-year-old."

---John F. Kennedy Jr.

"You drag $100 bills through trailer parks, there's no telling what you'll find. I know these people. I went to school with them. I necked with them in backseats. I spent nights with them."---James Carville on Clinton's female accusers

"She kept it as a souvenir. How sick is that?"---

Lucianne Goldberg

"At this moment I do not have a relationship with a personal computer."---Janet Reno

"Sometimes I feel like a fire hydrant looking at a pack of dogs."---Bill Clinton

"I have to kick his ass every morning."---Hillary Clinton

"I gave Bill a huge piece of my heart for many, many years. Now it appears that the man I loved was cheating on me, too. Left and right."---Gennifer Flowers

The Clint Onista Quiz

1. How did Bill Clinton like to refer to former Massachusetts governor and 1988 presidential candidate Michael Dukakis?

(a) The Boss from Boston. (b) The Brain from Braintree. (c) Pain in the Assachusetts. (d) That little Greek motherfucker.

2. How did Bill originally describe to Hillary his relationship with Monica?

(a) He said he counseled her, nothing more. (b) He said they were intellectual soul mates, nothing more, (c) He called her the White House Fluffer girl, nothing more, (d) He said, "Wink wink nudge nudge, say no more."

3. Hillary was known to have talks with Eleanor Roosevelt ghost. What, according to Hillary, did Eleanor advice her?

(a) "Grow skin as thick as a rhinoceros'." (b) "Blame everything on a vast right-wing conspiracy." (c) "Next time, marry a guy in a wheelchair." (d) "Indulge in some hot girl-girl action."

4. One of Bill's college-era lovers. said that during sex and liked:

(a) To leave on the lights, (b) To analyze voter turnout in key Republican precincts. (c) To quote Jefferson to stave off climax. (d) To smoke cigars, call foreign leaders and then masturbate into the sink.

5. According to longtime Clinton girlfriend Dolly Kyle Browning, what was Bill's nickname for Hillary?

(a) Rosebud. (b) The bitch who fucked up universal health care. (c) Rider of my coattails. (d) The Warden.

6. What did an angry Hillary say after she throw a Styrofoam coffee cup at Bill and hit him?

(a) "God, Bill, what lousy reflexes." (b) "Do you want sugar with that or what?" (c) "What were you expecting me to throw, panties?" (d) "Now maybe the dirt will stick."

7. At a tension-filled moment in his 1990 governor's race, Bill Clinton caught the attention of advisor Dick Morris by doing what?

(a) Urging Hillary to call him a "Jew bastard." (b) Dropping his pants and saying, "Kiss it." (c) Analyzing election results in key Republican precincts. (d)Punching Morris.

8. What was Monica Lewinsky's pet name for the president?

(a) El Presidente. (b) Master of His Domain. (c) Lollipop. (d) Butthead.

9. During the investigation, it was rumored that Kenneth Starr was having an affair in Little Rock. Why did this make Starr angry?

(a) He is serious about his wedding vows. (b) His wife is serious about his wedding vows. (c) His paramour reportedly looked like Paula Jones. (d) No one believed it.

10. During the discussions over Clinton's 1993 Economic Recovery Act, when Clinton was trying to get Senator Rob Kerrey's vote, which of the following lines of persuasion was not uttered by Bill Clinton?

(a) "If yon want to bring this presidency down, then go ahead." (b) "Maybe I ought to go back to Little Rock." (c) "Fuck yon!" (d) "Pwease, Bobsy Wobsy, give us your wittle votems."

11. What ultimately led to the resignation of Surgeon General Joycelye Elders?

(a) She supported the teaching of masturbation in schools. (b) She supported masturbation in schools. (c) She supported mutual masturbation in schools. (d) She couldn't keep her hands out of her pants at cabinet meetings.

12. Seemingly headed from big job in the Justice Department, old Clinton friend Lani Guinier lost his support because of her writing. What was wrong with them?

(a) She used smiley faces to dot her i's. (b) Extensive use of Ebonics. (c) Unimaginative, derivative, clicked and way too girlie. (d) Talked about "minority empowerment."

13. How did Hillary Rodham Clinton turn $1000 into $100,000?

(a) Heard about a little start-up called Microsoft. (b) She let Paulie Walnuts put some of her money to work on the street. (c) Luck---the Final Jeopardy category was "Famous Presidential Mothers With Skunk Streaks in Their Hair." (d) Sorry, she's sticking to that cattle futures story.

14. What kept Clinton from naming Zoe Baird or Kimba Wood to the post of attorney general?

(a) He found out they went to law school in Grenada. (b) He found out they had nanny problems. (c) They wouldn't kiss it. (d) They were dating Dick Cheney's daughter.

15. When Clinton started to deliver his February 1993 speech about health care before Congress, the wrong version was loaded into the Teleprompter. What did Clinton do?

(a) Masturbated into the sink. (b) Sang selections from the Indy Garland songbook. (c) Gave his State of the Union address again, and no one noticed. (d) Coolly carried on until the problem was fixed.

1. D 2. A 3. A 4. A 5. D 6. A 7. D 8. D 9. D 10. D 11. A 12. D 13. D 14. B 15. D