Lust and Found

To: Clinton Presidential Library Foundation From: White House Housekeeping Office Re: Items Left Behind by the Clintons

Please advise whether these should be sent on directly to the library, or to the residence in New York. Please note that some items are perishable.

Oval Office

Numerous carboard boxes (large) containing bills from law firm of Williams and Connolly, marked "Past Due"

Books:

The One-Minute Middle East Peace Manager Dean Dean, biography of Secretary of State Dean Acheson, son, by J. Chace

Lolita, by V. Nabokov

Take Another Mulligan, sir!: Golfing With U.S. Presidents

Leaves of Grass, by W. Whitman, signed "To M. from Handsome," with receipt inside from Alibris book-search website

Report of the Office of Independent Counsel, by K. Starr et al. (heavily underlined)

Impeach This, by A. Johnson

How to satisfy a Woman (unwrapped)

The Bitch Wanted It--The Complete Guide to Getting Off After Getting Off!

How to Tell If Your Wife Is Planning to kill You

Martha Stewart's Entertaining World Leaders, From Azerbaijan to Zimbabwe

Divorce, New York Style: A Complete Guide to Dumping Number One in the Empire State

The 10 Commandments (unwrapped)

File folders, variously labeled:

Beatty, Warren--Letters promising to get me laid in LA

Bedroom, Lincoln--Time-share contracts with major DNC contributors

Bosnia--Nuclear weapons, elimination of by (marked, "Let's Do!")

Bosnia--Peace, long-range prospects (marked "As If")

Budget--Surplus, plans for not giving back to taxpayers

Chappawherever--New York house

Chappawhatever--Terry McAuliffe purchase "loan"

Chinese military--Donations to 1996 reelection campaign

Chinese military--Nuclear secrets owed to, in return for 1996 campaign contribs. (See Alamos, Los)

Gore--Attempts to get Colin Powell as 2000 VP

Gore--praise, lavish, for WJC by

Gore--Training, toilet, of

Foster, Vince--Murder, right wing's plans to make it look like Hillary--plans for takeover of government (marked "Highly Sensitive")

Hyde, Henry--Youthful "indiscretions" Jordan, River

Jordan, Vernon--Letters promising to get me laid in NYC

Jordan, Vernon--NYC job search for M. by

Legacy (marked "Sid--See Me--Urgent")

M.--How to spin as deranged stalker

M.--Phone numbers (concluded on page 214)Lust And Found (continued from page 143)

M.--Pizza, favorite toppings

M.--Thong size

Newt--Asshole, how to make look like

Newt--Asshole, doing excellent job making self look like

Reno--Undated letter of resignation

Reno--Undated letter of resignation (backup copy)

Starr, K.--Secret sex life of, per Terry Lenzner confidential report

Streisand, B.--White House, demands of when staying as guest in (five files)

Victoria's Secret--Back catalogs, several pages folded over

Williams and Connolly--Payment schedule, 1996-2036

Miscellaneous

Cage marked "J. Carville--Caution: Keep Hands Away. Do Not Feed."

Chew toy (Buddy)

Chew toy (President)

Wooden crate marked "W-80 nuclear warhead, incl. launch codes and manual on how to operate." Should we forward this on to Beijing directly? Please advise.

Needlepoint pillow: "If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say, Come Sit Next to Me and Give Me a Blow Job."

Also, various items including dignity, pride in office, etc. May be unreturnable.

Oval Office Pantry

Cigar: one Por Laranaga Supremo

Several boxes assorted cream-filled Little Debbie cakes

Bounty paper towels (superabsorbent), one case

Several ice packs in freezer marked "For use by president's attractive female visitors"

Residence

Master bedroom:

Quantity of Por Laranaga Supremo cigar butts

Golf club (driver), bent

Books:

Joy of Sex (still in the amazon.com package)

Joy of Sax (heavily underlined, pages torn out)

President's bathroom:

Viagra (unopened)

Bandages, sutures, ice packs

Advil (large bottle)

Blistex

Herpecin

Zovirax ointment

Chelsea's Room:

Teddy bear

Retainer

Books:

The Secret Garden

Anne of Green Gables

Oh, Dad, Poor Dad, Mama's Hung You in the Closet, and I'm Feelin' So Sad

East Wing, Office of First Lady

Lamp, slightly dented. Used for hurling at president, 1993-1997

Genital cuff used on president, 1997-2000

Blackjack

Taser device (500-volt model, batteries included)

Neutering kit marked "Buddy"

Neutering kit marked "President"

Assorted instruments of torture for use on White House staff: thumbscrews, rack, iron maiden, bamboo slivers

Box marked "Hats, frumpy"

Box (large) marked: "Hair bands--tax deduction?"

Box marked "Do Not Give to FBI"

Box marked "Vince F.--Shred"

Box marked "Webb H.--Burn"

Box marked "Rose Law Firm billing records not sent to OIC--shred and burn"

Books:

The Carpetbaggers, H. Robbins

How to Sound Like a Noo Yawker

You Can Be a New York Resident

You Can Be a New York Senator

Rudy Guiliani's Ties to the Mafia

Rick Lazio's Ties to the Mafia

A Complete History of Mafia Ties to New York Politicians With Italian Last Names

The Complete Guide to Pandering to Jewish Voters in New York

First, You Grab the Head: The Frustrated Wife's Handbook to Getting Even, by Lorena Bobbitt

Photograph of first lady kissing Suha Arafat, signed by Mrs. Arafat: "To Hillary--It was a gas being with you."

Foldout map of vast right-wing conspiracy. Devised by White House aide Sidney Blumenthal in days following disclosure of WJC involvement with WH intern M. Lewinsky. Six feet by eight feet, with illustrations, cross-referencing and pop-up figures, including Richard Mellon Scaife and Gary Bauer

Wax figurines of Lucianne Goldberg, Linda Tripp, Kathleen Willey, Juanita Broaddrick

Extra packet of needles for wax figurines, above

Assorted goat heads, containers of chicken blood, drip candles, amulets, fetishes, dust of bat wing, gallbladder of Asian tiger, eye of Newt Gingrich--possibly for use in conjunction with above items. (Note: Please advise urgently, as some items beginning to spoil.)

File folders, variously labeled:

Chappaqua--How to find on map

Clinton--Family tree back to Forties

New York State--Hispanics, love of fried foods

New York State--Jews, favorite foods

New York State--List of trick questions about

Rodham--Family tree back to 1700s Sharpton, Rev. Al--Care and feeding WJC--Castration of, chemical option

WJC--Castration of, surgical option

Proposal for book: It Takes a Chutzpah, by Senator Hillary Rodham with Sidney Blumenthal

Box (with airholes) marked "WJC." Appears to contain 42nd president of the U.S. Please advise re deposition of this item soonest.