Topless Town

It all started out at Rosalie's Good Eats Cafe Everybody sittin', eatin' eggs and grits, chattin' in the usual way Lucy pourin' the coffee and dishin' out the eats Wearin' one of them flimsy, frilly white blouses with nothin' underneath.

Then--a spark flies out of Judge McCory's cigar Lands on Lucy--and sets her blouse on fire Just a whoosh--and she's minus the top of her dress Well, if you read that evenin's Banner, you know the rest--How Big Jay Wilkes, a trucker for Mountain South, Smothered her up in his big bear arms and squeezed and put her out Then she goes a-runnin' for the ladies' room like a shot But not before everybody in the place seen everything she got.

Well, the word spread just as fast as that fire did And next mornin' the cafe's crowded with old men, young men and kids Hooterin' and hollerin', stools spinnin' 'round like this Hopin' and prayin' to get a little glimpse of what they'd missed But, naturally, Lucy ain't givin' nobody a treat She's buttoned up to here and blushin' like a beet And soon's all the boys see that there ain't no show They all leave, grumblin' how they ain't comin' back no more.

Then Rosalie takes Lucy aside, and she says, "Listen, Babe, We're losin' money, and I see a chance to get saved Now what if you was to ... dress like you did yesterday And we change the name to Rosalie's Topless Cafe?" Well, Lucy reacts with fury and moral indignation But they finally settle on a buck-an-hour raise and an extra week's vacation And next mornin' she shows up an naturel, as the French folks say At the historic grand opening of Rosalie's Topless Cafe.

Talk about a hit! They're packed in and linin' up A cover and a minimum--coffee $2 a cup Lucy's pullin' down a thousand a week with tips and all Workin' double shifts while startin' to bitch how her arches are beginnin' to fall.

Well, then Brenda on the night shift, she sees the tips Lucy's got So the very next evenin' she shows up for work without no top And two days later the cashier, Betsy Black Come in and give Rosalie the shirt right off her back Well, they come by the thousands to eat and drink and look Soon Rosalie's gotta hire Fat Phyllis a second cook "Well, I guess," says Phyllis, "y'gotta do like them Romans do." So she rips off her T-shirt and starts stirrin' up the stew. But when Ed the busboy starts enjoyin' things a little too much She puts up a sign in the kitchen sayin' Look, Don't touch. And Rosalie's payin' off her mortgage and puttin' her boy through school Gotta hire a topless bouncer to keep things cool And a car park to keep up with the crowd outsideShe says, "I always knew the good Lord wouldprovide."

Then Jan at the Double J Luncheonette'cross the streetSays, "Hey, if they wanna play hard-ball, we got 'em beat."So she and June put on their topless exhibitionAnd soon they're givin' Rosalie's stiff, stiff competition.

Well, then ol' Sam Pierce down atPierce's Hardware StoreHe repaints the sign outside his doorAnd the next day ol' Miz Pierce and her daughter GayleAre toplessly scoopin' out galvanized nails.

Then Reverend Peters says, "Folks it's atough decisionBut the Lord can't get run off by this competition."So next Sunday there's a topless ladies' choir in harmonyIn a heartfelt rendition of Nearer MyGod to Thee."

Well, zap!--it all takes off just like a shotLes Willis opens his Topless Bait and Tackle ShopAnd when the Farmers' Bank unveiled topless tellersThe interest rate sure went up amongst the fellers.

Well, Frank Willis hires a topless host-ess at the Golden CactusTom Rooney, proprietor of Tammy's Place, says that's unfair laborpracticeSo he sends to Milwaukee for a girlcalled Thirty-Eight KateAnd in less than a week he's stole half of Frank's business away.

And the tourists--they're pourin' in, honkin' and raisin' hellPayin' $200 a night for a room at Tom's Topless MotelEatin' Rosalie's $4 burgers, no bunon topBuyin' suntan lotion at our topless Stop and Shop.Payin' $12.95 for a T-shirt from Topless Jean's

And payin' $50 for an autographed photo with Lucy, our original toplessqueenAnd Sister Rhodes says, "Our cup run-neth over. We are truly blessed'Cause they're makin' big contributionsto our community chest."

Then the merchants' association of our townRealizin' how the economy's been saggin' downThey call a meetin' and they search deep down in their soulsThey take a vote and say, "Let the goodtimes roll."

Well, soon there's a topless pharmacyand a topless shoe repairThe 4-H Club plannin' a topless countyfairThere's a topless McDonald's and atopless rent-a-carOnly one hurtin' was Ed's Topless Go-Go BarEd said he might as well close up and go fishin'Or go bottomless to keep abreast of thecompetition.

(continued on page 190)Topless Town (continued from page 119)

Peter Lane says, "We all gotta do what we must

And the ones who don't have a feel for it'll just go bust"

Then Joe Hall of the Banner does an editorial:

"Let this be the binding bra's final memorial

Let our women enjoy unbridled liberation

And let our men be protected from fraud and falsification."

But Miss Agatha Baines of the Citizens for Decency

Says, "We cannot encourage these dens of iniquity

They're just tryin' to titillate the young men in this town"

And they go to Judge McCory for an order to close 'em all down

And they find him havin' a nip at Ma's Mammary Bar

Talkin' 'bout runnin' for governor and still puffin' on that big cigar

But he rules--from his stool--that "Regardless of shape, color or size

It's just an uplifting example of free enterprise

And anyone who has discouragin' words to say

Is against small business and the good ol' American way"

So Miss Agatha rips off her blouse patriotically

And yells, "Let them Japanese try to compete with these."

Well, that blows the lid off--before the week is past

We got topless gas station attendants pumpin' gas

Eileen Hobbs and her topless hot dog stand

The Lubbuck sisters in their topless moving van

Lou's Barber Shop filled with topless tourists

Gettin' topless manicures from topless manicurists

Topless majorettes in the Rotary marchin' band

A concert with ol' Miss Murgatroyd settin' topless at the baby grand

And the cheerleaders' team from the class of '69

All workin' the counter of the topless five-and-dime

Jim Dawson's wife runs for mayor on the topless ticket

And she was way out front--till Jim decided to picket

Well, that opened the door for librarian Lauralene Grace

Who beat her by a nose, I tell you, it was some kind of race.

Doc Hamilton's backed up doin' implants and collagen injections

Liz Mason and her Topless Party sweep the fall elections

But some thought Jenny Hollman was a bit too crass

Showin' up topless to teach her eighth-grade class

But she proved that thanks to her PhD cup

Attendance was perfect and attention was way up.

There are topless weddings and topless divorces

Topless equestrians showin' their horses

Topless druggists at the pharmacy

Topless checkout girls at the A&P

Topless gals drivin' topless cars

Topless meetings of the DAR

Topless adjusters at the Title and Trust

Topless policewomen makin' busts

Topless doctors, topless paramedics

Topless anesthesiologists givin' anesthetics

Topless joggers, topless hikers

Hitchin' rides with topless bikers

Topless brokers and CPAs

Topless mamas at the PTA

Topless lady construction workers

Topless acrobats at the Shrine circus.

So the housewives join in and soon you can see 'em all

Shoppin' topless, pushin' little topless strollers through the topless mall

Topless firefighters and meter maids And Lucy, the queen of the Topless Day Parade

A booth in Seely Park for topless tourist information

Topless Mammorial Day celebrations And everyone's happy,' cept for Lola at Lola's Lingerie

She says camisoles are down, and she can't give bras away.

Soon it spreads across the ocean--hear the tramp-tramp-tramp

Of topless models walking down topless ramps

Talk about décolleté, we're rewriting the book

Givin' the world the revolutionary topless look

Dior's scared silly, St. Laurent's got the jitters

We got the whole damn fashion world all a-titter.

No more legislation that this must stop

Now they're trying to pass a law that you cannot wear a top

While our topless city council circulates a ballot 'round

To change our name officially to Topless Town

And every one of our citizens votes Yes

Except for skinny Nancy Cobb with the flat, bony chest

So the sign gets changed to Topless Town--Pop.: 1704

'Course by the time the paint dries

There's about a thousand more

Then Matt Hanks, our stonecutter, climbs up Lookout Bluff

Says, "We'll have our own Mount Rushmore soon enough"

And he blasts and he hammers and he chisels in the proper places

And next day, there's a giant pair of--well, not exactly presidents' faces.

And the women's groups? Why, they're pleased as they can be

Because they finally got financial equality

"Equality?" screams Nancy Cobb

"Those big-busted babes now got all the jobs."

So she writes to Washington that very night

In a passionate plea for boobless rights.

The president says, "Hey, what's goin' on down there?

Don't they know there's laws 'bout what they can and can't wear?

Have they lost all their sense of propriety?

Someone must have laced their reservoir with LSD

It's Sodom and Gomorrah--a flagrant abuse of bein' free

Showin' kids what they was never meant to see!

And if they don't defer to decency's demands

I'll have to go there myself and take the situation in hand."

Then the press gets hold of it, and Monday there's our topless queen

Dishin' out hash on the cover of Time magazine

Then Hollywood comes bangin' through our doors

Wantin' to give out Golden Globe Awards

And every evenin' on the boob tube, the whole country can see our ... faces

And the attorney general announces this is gonna be one of her priority cases

And then the Senate and the House, they jump on in

Sayin', "Don't you know it's a crime and a shame and a sin?

And if you don't button up, zip up and snap up today

We gonna take every cent of your federal subsidies away."

Then you should have seen the notice the Supreme Court sent us

Declarin' us unconstitutional and Judge McCory non compos mentis

And statin' in language spiteful, specific and strong

That we better put our natural resources back where they belong.

But who in the hell do they think they're bossing around?

Not us pioneer, upstandin' citizens of Topless Town

Judge McCory says after due deliberation

"It's a clear-cut case of federal intimidation"

Then Joe Tanner says, "Damn the government and damn the courts

We don't need 'em--town was built on self-support."

Ol' Miz Fletcher says, "This country's goin' down the tubes

They must think we're all just a bunch of boods

They're out bosom buddies when it's time to pay tax and all that

Now they wanna go cut off our funds and just leave us flat"

Then Ellie MacKay stands up and starts to rant and rave

Shoutin', "Ain't this the land of the free and the home of the brave?

Well, I feel a lot freer without that ol' boulder holder of mine

And I'm brave enough to stand up and let my little lights shine."

And from the Salvation Army up steps Katie West

She says, "I got a couple things I gotta get off my chest"

She says, "We got no more homeless, no unemployed

Because men have somethin' to reach for and the women are overjoyed

So I wanna tell these knockers of liberty

I ain't gonna let 'em put no halter on me

And if they keep makin' threats about a federal bust

It's gonna cause a major cleavage 'tween Washington and us.

"Tell the president that according to the Constitution

We got the right to dress ourselves without federal intrusion

The right to take off what's tight and what don't fit

The right to pay our rent and buy our grits

The right to improve our lot by usin' our wits

The right to bear arms--and also to bare tits."

So we take a vote--the whole damn town And announce unanimously:

"Topless Town hereby secedes from the Union Because the Union wouldn't let us be"

And we declare ourselves an independent,

Self-determined sovereign state

And we build a tall wall around us all--

No roads, no bridges, no gate

And we pledge allegiance to our flag

Two ... well, you know what they are

And I ain't puttin' down Old Glory

But they're prettier than stripes and stars

And we're free and unbridled

Behind these ivy-covered walls

And you drive by on the freeway and never notice us here at all.

Yeah, we got no taxes--we got no crime

But we got no room to spare

You'd like to come visit? I'll bet you would

But, friends, you ain't got a prayer--

Topless Town's stayin' safe and sound--You can't get here from there.

Well, that blows the lid off--before the week is past We got topless gas station attendants pumpin' gas