The Moron's Guide to a Larger Penis

The length of every penis is normal, technically, with the exception of those smaller than 2.8 inches erect, a condition known as micropenis. But who wants to be normal? Most guys would love an extra inch or two. For some, the desire is overwhelming. They are convinced that a larger penis will mean a larger life. Unfortunately, the methods for achieving this questionable goal range from the ridiculous to the reprehensible.

Weights

A few cultures, such as the Karamojong of northeastern Uganda, practice ritualistic penis stretching. Beginning at puberty, a Karamojong boy hangs circular stone disks from the tip of his penis. When he becomes accustomed to the pain, more disks are added. His penis swings like a pendulum. By the time he's a teenager, he may carry as much as 20 pounds from his penis, which could measure 18 inches or longer. To avoid sitting on these taffylike appendages, Karamojong men tie their cocks into knots.

Ambitious Westerners consider the Karamojong an inspiration. One website recommends cutting a four-by-eight-inch section from a rubber swim cap and wrapping it around your semierect penis. Secured with a rubber band or tape, the piece provides a base for an S hook from which you can hang weights for hours. "Wearing shorts, you can hang penis and weight over the edge of your computer chair as you work," suggests Tom Hubbard, who runs the site. "Standing, you can carefully hang your penis through the fly opening of pants." An alternate method uses pipe insulation and a hose clamp.

Tension

Some specialty products, such as the PeniStretcher, tug on the penis using springs. To use the device, a man sticks his erection through a silicone ring and down a cylinder formed by two adjustable brass axles. A support holds the head in place. The PeniStretcher costs $280, which is reasonable considering the high end of the market: A similar product that arrives in a cushioned mahogany box sells for $990. The poor man's technique is to place one end of an elastic band around the (continued on page 150)Larger Penis(continued from page 109) head and the other around the leg just above the knee. The user adjusts the tension by moving his leg.

Milking

This isn't masturbation but an intense nonerotic exercise. The basic technique practiced by the ancients, pro baseball players and two-year-old boys is to gently pull on the head of the penis several times a day. Once that's mastered, the milker begins a more rigorous routine. He positions himself by making an A-OK sign with the thumb and forefinger around the base of his semierection and stroking rapid-fire to the head. The movement is continued with or without lubrication, using alternate hands. A regimen might include 200 to 300 milkings a day at medium strength for the first week, 300 to 500 milkings at medium-full strength for the second week and 500 or more strong milkings thereafter.

Following each session, which should leave the milker sore but not in pain, the milker should slap the penis 25 to 50 times to aid circulation, suggests Hubbard. Cup a hand over the testicles to protect them from low blows.

Pumps

An airtight plastic cylinder is placed over the penis and a manual or electric pump draws blood into the penis. Pump workouts last 30 to 60 minutes several times a week. "The first time you pump you'll be in awe of the mass of sausage hanging between your legs," Hubbard reports. "Gradually, you'll realize your penis has become about as functional as a sausage; instead of a stream of urine, you can produce only an aerosol spray. You may notice you can't get a firm erection; you may develop red spots on your head from burst capillaries or painful lymph blisters. And the next morning you'll be disappointed to find that all the gains have disappeared."

There are dozens of online hucksters who sell instructions for programs that combine stretching, weights and pumps. The Chartham method, for example, involves exercises such as holding your penis under warm water, pinching the surface area of the scrotum and repeatedly grasping the base of the penis until it swells.

Hypnosis

A $295 enlargement program developed by MindQuest Hypnotherapy "encourages the hypothalamus to release neurotransmitters to stimulate the pituitary, which in turn releases the hormones needed for penis enlargement." Each day for 12 weeks, the student listens to a 20-minute tape of a woman who offers reassuring words about the size of his cock—a service once offered only by prostitutes. MindQuest also offers "all-natural breast enlargement." It's the same price, but per pair.

In his book Penis Size and Enlargement, Gary Griffin recalls visiting a hypnotherapist who "invited us to mentally enter a department store, walk to the counter and flip through the catalog. It was a cock compendium. We were instructed to find the penis that most appealed to us. Then he regressed us to the point of conception. With mental scissors, we snipped out our current penis genes and replaced them with our catalog strand. We visualized our fetus developing a prominent penis. As we entered the world, we watched the doctor and nurses comment on the unusually large penis. We were to picture ourselves at the age of 18 with our catalog cocks hanging halfway down our legs." To help with visualization, the therapist advised Griffin to take a nude snapshot of himself and paste an image of his ideal penis over his own.

Pills

A variety of mail-order firms sell supplements they claim will boost size. "We discovered the formula while researching herbal treatments for angina in West Africa," an "ethnobotany" researcher claims at one online site. "The medicine man told us, 'It sends the blood where the blood must go.'" The site attempts to close the sale with a touch of reverse psychology: "Sadly, the penis enlargement field has attracted some questionable people selling highly questionable products." A supply of this entry into that nonexclusive club sells for $230.

Surgery: Length

The typical penis-enlargement surgery costs $4000 to $7000. The surgeon makes an incision in the abdomen above where the penis attaches to the body. Once inside, he snips a crucial ligament that supports erections. The "inner penis" is then tugged away from the bone. Once the wound heals (no sex or masturbation for a month), the penis hangs lower, like the floppy ear of a sad dog. The appearance of added length—an inch at best—is more apparent when the patient is soft. Because its suspensory ligament has been cut, the erect penis no longer stands at full salute.

Penis-enlargement surgery is notoriously inconsistent. Many men see no gain in length, because scar tissue reunites the two halves of the sliced ligament. In some cases the penis becomes smaller. Surgeons battle receding dick by hanging weights on the patient or inserting blocking implants. Other risks include permanent numbness and impotence. One reconstructive surgeon says men who are unhappy with the results of the surgery expect him to work miracles with their newly grotesque organs. But, he says, "you can't go back."

Surgery: Girth

Before his conviction for manslaughter in the bleeding death of a penis-enlargement patient, plastic surgeon Ricardo Samitier pioneered a method to increase width. The doctor would suction fat from the abdomen and shoot a few ounces into the cock with a long needle. Much of the fat was reabsorbed, so he repeated the treatment as necessary. Once it took, the fat tended to bunch together, leading to complications like "the hairy doughnut effect." Other surgeons carved slippery filetlike strips of fat from the patient's butt or thigh and fed them into incisions made in the shaft. The latest technique makes use of purified cadaver dermis, and one innovator has suggested an envelope that would be inserted into the penis and filled with saline solution. A tube running through the scrotum would allow the owner to adjust his girth on a whim.

Optical Illusions

If normal isn't enough, consider these nontoxic methods: (1) Many sex-toy shops sell extenders, which are rubber sleeves that fit over the end of the penis for added length. Some vibrate. (2) Trim your pubic hair. (3) Lose weight. As your gut recedes, you'll see more. (4) Measure from the bottom. When scientists measure erections, they place the ruler along the top. This isn't science, so place the ruler on the underside, against your balls. Presto—the extra inch you never thought you had.

The first time you pump, your penis will look like a big sausage—and be as functional as one.