I StandTherefore I am

As an adolescent I often masturbated in the bathroom with the aid of female fantasies, so it was quite logical that a great many of my dreams would include a coed bathroom as a locale. During the punk era, there were nightclubs that featured unisex bathrooms. And then the all-purpose bathroom in "Ally McBeal" empowered my original dreams to make their way into mainstream awareness. That's why I love the latest bizarre rumor to come out of Sweden. According to an article by Jasper Gerard in "The Spectator," young Swedish women are demanding that men use the lavatory in a strictly sedentary posture--that is, sitting down--not only for hygienic reasons, but also "because a man standing up to urinate is deemed to be triumphing in his masculinity and, by extension, degrading women. To micturate from the standing position is now viewed--among the more progressive Swedes--as the height of vulgarity and possibly suggestive of violence. Among the young, leftish intelligentsia there is also a view that to stand is a nasty macho gesture." At Stockholm University, one feminist group hates urinals on the grounds that their basic construction is antiwoman. That group is not alone--a Swedish primary school has already eliminated the evil urinal before young male minds can be tainted. "It has long been one of the more imaginative examples of feminist paranoia," Gerard states, "that men engage in unacceptable, antiwomen practices while standing at the urinal." But of course! Is there a man among us who doesn't use the restroom as a place to conspire with his fellow men? Isn't standing at a urinal the most logical place to strike up a friendly conversation? Isn't that why men frequently visit the men's room en masse, just like women? What the anti-urinal forces in Sweden lack in actual knowledge of male bathroom behavior (i.e., men look straight ahead, never glancing left or right, and never speak, even if spoken to) they make up for in imagination (men chatting it up while aiming for the deodorant cake, plotting elaborate conspiracies that women never know about). "No, the answer is more subtle, according to a nonsquatting Englishman," says Gerard. "It is not so much a function of female suspicion as of women's desire for absolute equality. Voting, fighting, learning and indeed yearning were all pastimes once denied women. So to achieve absolute equality, the Swedish sisters have stripped men of their remaining dignity and plunked them on the (concluded on page 151)Krassner(continued from page 118) potty." Young Swedish men comply, he says, out of a sense of justice. In other words, they don't feel it is right that they should have the sole advantage of a fire-and-forget physique. Does this sound like science fiction? Ironically, in the science-fiction film Gattaca, Ethan Hawke's character alters his identity, which includes changing from a left-hander to a right-hander. But his cover is blown when a bathroom monitor notices that he still urinates by holding his penis with his left hand. The crux of that movie depends on his standing at a urinal.

However, I discovered a flaw in this line of reasoning. Here is how I urinate, and I assume it's generally true of right-handed men who wear briefs. I unzip with my right hand. Pull open my fly with my left hand. Grab my underwear with my right hand, pulling it over my genitals and holding onto it while I urinate by holding my penis with my left hand.

But consider if there were no urinals. Imagine what would happen to the manufacturers of urinal accoutrements, such as those pastel marzipan deodorizers and the rubber bull's-eye pads with urine-draining holes and messages like: The Star Wars Missile Missed Its Target! Will You?

Lost to the culture forever would be that unspoken ritual we men practice at urinals: leaving about six feet of space between the first person who's waiting to take a leak--say, after a movie--and the guy who's actually pissing, a ritual women experience only while waiting to use an ATM.

How would the new order affect random drug testing? What would happen with those men who have been pissing drug-free urine through a plastic tube? Or through a plastic penis in case the drug tester stands too close?

Even then, you have to be careful. In San Antonio, a man was caught using a fake penis while being tested for drugs by his parole officers. The telltale signs were the bleached-pink appearance of the penis and the fact that the urine came out in a sprinkler-like fashion. The giveaway came when he fumbled his organ and it fell to the floor.

Meanwhile, the U.S. Navy is planning to replace urinals on the surface fleet with unisex toilets. Paul Richter reported in the Los Angeles Times that it's considered "a way to make warships sweeter smelling and more comfortable for today's increasingly diverse crews." This commode is called the Stainless Sanitary Space System.

Within the next few years, the Navy will be moving full steam ahead--3000 heads (as the Navy still likes to call them) will be converted to ultramodern stainless steel modular superbathrooms. With no crevices or seams, they'll be easy to clean and female friendly (which is good news to the 13 percent of the Navy who are women).

Sadly, urinals have enemies among men, too. Ultra-efficient naval experts look at a urinal and see an engineering disaster--urinals on ships use less water and therefore stink up the place much more than standard toilets. Then there is the ugly overspray problem. Nothing corrodes flooring and walls like a sailor with lousy aim. Mineral buildup often blocks plumbing, which is costly to fix or replace. Conversely, while our Navy spends $561 million on unisex commodes, a less expensive South African invention takes a different tack by enabling women to urinate standing up.

The Eezeewee, described as "a reusable device with a shaped plastic cup and a length of pipe," has taken six years to develop and is already patented in 106 countries. Stephan Odendaal, managing director of Mouldmed, the company that invented the device, says it "will be invaluable for women who are traveling, hiking, camping, fishing, sailing, skiing or bedridden. Having a wee has never been so easy."

Just wait until the Swedes find out about that.