Strange Bedfellows

Lust and license play the starring role in american politics

Americans love a good political sex scandal. Between accusations leveled at Thomas Jefferson for maintaining a "Congo harem" at Monticello (true, as it turns out) and the evasions of Gary "The Dodger" Condit (there aren't many sentences linking that pair), there is a long, unbroken chain of sexual couplings festooned with garlands of rumor, gossip and lawsuits. So it's no surprise that politicians behave like the B-list actors they rub shoulders with in the "National Enquirer." It's said that Washington is Hollywood for ugly people. We have presidents consorting with celebrities, and starry-eyed interns from California bringing a relaxed West Coast take on sex to the District of Columbia. The only problem is that the girls are more naive than battle-hardened starlets. And while Russell Crowe knows how to bag 'em and cut 'em loose, a low-level congressman like Condit doesn't have a (text continued on page 172)Strand Bedfellows(continued from page 74) clue. In fact, the ineptitude of politicians who order off the menu has made the history of sex in Washington the finest body of farce ever written on these shores.

Farce? Certainly. Of course, this isn't to say there aren't tragic elements to the tales. The mystery of Chandra Levy's whereabouts is hardly a joking matter. The specter of Bill Clinton, the most politically capable president in half a century, squandering his gifts on evasions was a lamentable sight. But let's look on the bright side. Let's try to remember the laughter.

Take the story of old Wayne Hays, the mean and cantankerous congressional baron who kept on his staff the buxom blonde Elizabeth Ray solely to be a receptacle for his urges ("I can't even answer the phone!" she said). When does she blow the whistle? When he gets married. Not because he doesn't marry her, but because he doesn't invite her to the ceremony. "It looks bad that I'm not invited," she says, suddenly concerned about her image. Now, that's funny.

Then there's the story of Ken Calvert, a California congressman who police caught naked in his car while engaged in a sex act with a prostitute. What was his first response? To try to flee. It gets better: After five months of stonewalling, Calvert defends himself by saying that he didn't know the woman was a prostitute. Who did he think she was? The school crossing guard?

We have not scratched the surface. Think of what a great farceur would do with the flash of flop sweat felt by the Bible-thumping, born-again Christian Congressman Jon Hinson the instant he realized the gay porno theater he had slipped into had caught fire, and he now faced the choice of burning to death or fleeing into a phalanx of Action News cameramen. Or think of the anus-puckering moment Congressman Mel Reynolds experienced as he sat in a courtroom listening to a tape on which a 16-year-old girl he'd been having sex with promised to introduce him to a Catholic schoolgirl she knew. Mel heard himself gleefully exclaim, "Jesus, a Catholic! Did I win the Lotto?" Or remember self-serving Bob Packwood, one of the supposed solons of the Senate, called to account for the 20 years of incessant tongue-slipping, bottom-squeezing, titcupping harassment of aides, lobbyists and elevator operators. His best move? He hastily rerecorded portions of his massive oral diary to change his image. One altered entry veered from damaging information on his accusers to offering this thought: "I really am kind of looking forward to settling in and working hard in the Senate and voting for what's good for America and leaving a legacy everyone can be proud of, if I can get this ethics matter behind me." Stop it man, you're killing me!

And of course, there's the great Slick Willie Clinton and Electra-Lux Lewinsky drawing-room comedy. At nine years in the running, it's the Cats of political sex scandals. Did Molière ever write a line as exquisite as "It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is"? Then came the solemn reaction of the statesmen who argued with furrowed brows over whether the president's utterance was brilliant or a blunder, when all it ought to have done was unleash a great national surge of pants wetting. Oscar Wilde wouldn't even have had the nerve to stage the ensuing development where a full six-pack of the president's steeliest spittle-spewing pursuers--Newt Gingrich, Henry Hyde, Robert Livingston, Dan Burton, Bob Barr and Helen Chenoweth--were revealed to have enjoyed extramarital hoedowns of their own.

Since 1976, when Wayne Hays got his comeuppance, there have been, by unofficial count, 35 Washington sex scandals, about one every eight months. Wilbur Mills and the Argentine Firecracker, Clarence Thomas and Long Dong Silver, Chuck Robb and his back rubs. They and their many tumescent colleagues were merely following in the footsteps of our greatest--and cheesiest--leaders. It is the American way. Remember, during World War II the White House was occupied by Franklin Roosevelt and his live-in girlfriends, and his wife Eleanor with her in-house gal pals. Yet the nation presided over by this unorthodox crew whupped the mighty nation presided over by that sexually ascetic, woman-hating nut job Hitler. This may not earn us a laurel crown, but it has the virtue of being a fact. People haven't changed, but our reactions have. In June 1844, President John Tyler, a 54-year-old widower, married 23-year-old Julia Gardiner, described as "raven-haired, with a radiant complexion, an hourglass waist and a full bust." Although he faced reelection in November and had a country to run, Tyler devoted a lot of attention to his new bride. The conflicts became too much for Tyler and he decided not to run. He and Julia went back to Virginia and banged away, producing seven children, the last of which he sired when he was 68.

John F. Kennedy--the Minuteman--barely concealed his raucous sex life, and the media turned a blind eye, thinking it did not matter. Surely that was a mistake. Now the media routinely focus on sex lives, acting almost as if that was all that mattered. Reporters had the gall to ask George W. Bush if he'd ever committed adultery, as if it had an impact on how he'd handle the issues. Surely we ought to be able to think of a better way. Until then, we'll just keep laughing.

The Father of his Country

Did George Washington sleep here, there and everywhere? If you like circumstantial evidence, it seems did. First, begin with the obvious. George was tall, handsome and powerful. One lady wrote in her diary of her "womanly admiration" of his "noble exterior," which is the 1776 equivalent of "He makes me wet." Second, the morals of his time and class inflicted few penalties on a man who took lovers. Third, when he married Martha, she was a plump widow with two difficult children. She was also the richest woman in Virginia. (Oh--that!) George may have been her trophy husband.

In addition, history has left us lines to read between. In 1780, for example, Washington and his aides "frolicked" with a rich widow, Mrs. Prevost, and some "fair refugees" from New York for four days. Heroic rebel officers and cute, lonely women--you connect the dots. Another likely paramour is Kitty Greene, the young, pretty wife of General Nathanael Greene. Kitty was the Pamela Des Barres of the revolution, enjoying flings with Hamilton, Burr,

One lady wrote in her diary of her "Womanly Admiration" of his "Noble Exterior," which is the 1776 equivalent "He makes me wet."

Kosciuszko, Lafayette, Van Steuben and Mad Anthony Wayne. Could she have missed the big man? Nah.

Another lady in George's orbit is Peggy Shippen. Shippen remained behind American lines when her traitorous husband Benedict Arnold fled to the British. She is credited by some with artfully convincing the Americans of her innocence with a show of distress. The beautiful Tory girl was observed at headquarters "practically naked, shouting that she had a hot iron on her head, and that no one but General Washington could take it off." When Washington--first in war, first in peace, and certainly first in hot iron removals--went to her bedroom, she pulled back the bedclothes, "revealing her charms." Was George charming in return?

Great Presidential Beards

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Rutherford B. Hayes

James Garfield

Ulysses S. Grant

Peter Lawford

Capitol Mysteries

What Killed warren G. Harding?

Right after his wife learned that he had a mistress (he actually had two, squeezed around orgies he attended at a crony's home), the president went on a western swing. After Harding nearly collapsed making a speech, he went to San Francisco. His physician, Dr. Charles Sawyer, first blamed it on food poisoning, then pneumonia. When Harding crapped out in the Palace Hotel, docs said it was a cerebral hemorrhage. But his wife, who was alone with him when he died, forbade an autopsy and burned all his letters. Months later she entered Dr. Sawyer's sanatorium; a little more than a year later, Sawyer died--under circumstances reminiscent of Harding's death.

What Happened to George Washington's Lascivious Letters?

While Martha Washington was said to have destroyed most of Washington's correspondence, J.P Morgan's library managed to acquire some letters a century later. However, Morgan's librarian burned them on the grounds they were "smutty."

Who's Mentioned in Bob Packwood's 8200-Page Diary?

The Oregon senator faced multiple sexual harassment accusations in 1992. The Senate Ethics Committee seized his diary, which observed two decades of sexual encounters with staffers and colleagues--and the bed hopping of senators and representatives. Packwood resigned before the information became public.

Was Ellen Rometsch A Spy?

A beautiful call girl, Rometsch serviced John F. Kennedy--until he had her deported. Turned out she once worked for the leader of communist East Germany. When the Senate tried to investigate what might have been a breach of security, Bobby Kennedy had J. Edgar Hoover push to drop the hearings.

Who Scratched Bill Clinton's Face?

One Saturday night in 1993 Clinton entertained Sharon Stone and other celebs in a hotel room. Sunday night, Hillary returned to D.C. from a 16-day vigil with her dying father. On Monday, the press ran reports about the weekend soiree with the slender star. On Tuesday, Clinton had what looked like long fingernail scratches on his face. On Wednesday, his spin doctors pinned it on a shaving accident. Or wrestling with Chelsea.

Who Did Paula Parkinson Tape Having Sex with her?

The busty D.C. lobbyist's 1980 appearance in Playboy led to the rumor that she had videotaped herself engaged in a personal act of persuasion with a congressman. The assumption was that her partner was Representative Tom Evans, with whom she acknowledged having an affair. But was it? And was he the only one?

Where is Chandra Levy?

Where would any woman you know go without her purse?

Second Ladies

Mistresses, party girls and some very good friends

Thomas Jefferson: Sally Hemings • James Garfield: Mrs. Cathour • Grover Cleveland: Maria Halpin • Woodrow Wilson: Mary Allen Hulbert Peck Warren G. Harding: Nan Britton, Carrie Phillips • Franklin D. Roosvelt: Lucy Page Mercer, Missy LeHand • Dwight D. Eisenhower: Kay Summersby • John F. Kennedy: Marilyn Monroe, Jayre Mansfield. Judith Exner. Gene Tierrey. Tempest Storm. Blaze Starr, Eller Rometsch, Mary Meyer, Fiddle and Fiddle • Lyndon B. Johnson: Alice Glass • William Clinton: Gennifer Flowers. Elizabeth Ward Gracen. Dolly Kyle Browning. Monica Lewinsky

Washington Insider

America's leaders speak about sex

How to Handle Accusations

Disdain them: "Madam, I may be president of the United States, but my private life is nobody's damned business."--Chester A. Arthur

Admit them: "Whatever you do, tell the truth."--Grover Cleveland to his campaign manager after he was accused of fathering a child out of wedlock

Deny them: "I did not have sexual relations with that woman."--Bill Clinton, regarding his friend-in-fellatio Monica Lewinsky

Parse them: "I haven't done anything that I regard as unfaithful to my wife, the only woman I have had coital sex with in the 20 years we've been married."--Senator Chuck Robb

Our Hot-Blooded Chief Executives

"Well, I've got old Jumbo here and need to give him some exercise. I wonder who I'll fuck tonight?"--Lyndon Johnson, stepping out of the shower, to his brother

"I spent my soul in kisses, crushed upon your scarlet mouth/Oh! My red-lipped, sun-browned sweetheart, dark-eyed daughter of the South."--Lines from a love poem by Herbert Hoover

"Are you prepared for the storm of lovemaking with which you will be assailed?"--Woodrow Wilson in a letter to his wife

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"It is a good thing I am not a woman--I would always be pregnant. I can't say no.--Warren G. Harding

Congressional Contributions

"I'm serious. Anyone who wants to put a tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored."--Senator Gary Hart

"You can always teach 'em to type, but you can't teach 'em to grow tits."--Representative Charles Wilson of Texas on why he hired beautiful women as secretaries

"I'll always love you. I...I...God, feel such super love for you. By the way, the newsletter should start arriving."--Then-Representative Don Riegle of Michigan, while having sex with a staffer, who was secretly tape-recording him

"I've not been a perfect man, and I've made my share of mistakes."--Gary Conch:

"I see Kennedy has changed his position on offshore drilling."--Senator Howell Heflin, after seeing a photo in the National Enquirer of Ted Kennedy on top of a woman in a boat

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All the way with JFK

"I get a migraine headache if I don't get a strange piece of ass every day."--JFK

"All I will say is that I was Frank's pimp and Frank was Jack's. It sounds terrible now but then it was a lot of fun."--Peter Lawford, speaking of salad days with Sinatra and JFK

"I want her name and number. We may avert war tonight."--JFK during the Cuban missile crisis, asking Defense Secretary Robert McNamara for a secretary's number

"Would you please shop around and see who these belong to? They're not my size."--Jackie Kennedy to JFK about a pair of panties she found in her bed

What their Lovers Say

"Lyndon looked at me like I was an ice-cream cone on a hot day."--Madeleine Brown, who claims she had a 20-year affair with Johnson and bore him a son

"He ate pussy like a champ. I'd have to say, 'Whoa, boy, come on up here.'"--Gennifer Flowers

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the Curse of Clinton

Dan Burton (R-Ind.)

Early in 1998 Burton, darling of the Christian Coalition, called Clinton a scumbag. In September the champion of family values is forced to admit that an extramarital affair resulted in an out-of-wedlock child.

Helen Chenoweth (R-Idaho)

In a 1998 campaign ad the Christian conservative harpy calls for Clinton's resignation, saying, "I believe that personal conduct and integrity do matter." Days later she admits to an affair wit a married man: "I've asked for God's forgiveness, and I've received it."

Henry Hyde (R-Ill.)

While Hyde, head of the House Judiciary Committee, planned impeachment hearings against Clinton, news broke that he, too, had had an extramarital affair. Though 41 at the time of the fling, he blows it off as a youthful indiscretion."

Bob Barr (R-Ga.)

A staunch pro-lifer, Barr called for Clinton's impeachment before anyone knew about Monica Lewinsky. Subsequently, news leaked out that his second wife--who believed he was cheating on her with a woman who would be wife number three--filed an affidavit that said he paid for an abortion she had in 1983.

Gary Condit (D-Calif.)

Condit was an early Democratic critic of Clinton's obfuscation during the Lewinsky scandal, calling it the drip, drip, drip theory" of coming clean. Fast-forward to 2001, with a tight-lipped Condit eating his words.

George W. Bush

Call him Big Bill's hex on us all. Hail to the chief!

Name Statesman That

1.) What is the only condom to be named after a U.S. President?

(A) Rough Rider (b) Old Hickory (C) Andrew Johnson (D) The Great Emancipator.

2.) Historians have three explanations for George Washington's death. Which of the following has not been presented?

(A) He caught cold while riding his horse when it was snowing. (B) He caught cold after an assignation with an overseer's wife in the Mount Vernon gardens on a chilly afternoon. (C) He caught cold while visiting a beauty in his slave quarters. (D) He was knocked out cold during an altercation at the Cherry Tree bordello

3.) What is Gary Condit's nickname among colleagues and staffers in Washington?

(A) Mr. Blow Job (B) Mr. Blow-dry (C) Mr. Blow-up Doll (D) Mr. Geez-I-Blew-It-This Time

4.) James Buchanan, our only unmarried president, had a 23-year friendship with William Rufus King, our only unmarried vice president. How did insiders refer to King?

(A) Bill (B) Miss Nancy (C) Mr. Vice President (D) The First Lady

5.) What is President James Garfield's Major distinction?

(A) He freed the slaves. (B) He defeated the Mexicans at Iwo Jima. (C) He was the first president to use an indoor crapper in the White House. (D) He was the first president known to have cheated on his wife.

6.) To help him remember the good times they all had together, Peter Lawford took photos of JFK and Marilyn Monroe. What were they doing?

(A) Playing touch football on the beach. (B) Wearing Castro beards to a Halloween party. (C) Discussing nuclear disarmament with Adlai Stevenson. (D) Marilyn was fellating Jack in a bathtub.

7.) Gary "Commodore" Hart may have blustered his way through the exposure of his private life had not a photo emerged of the comely Donna Rice sitting on Hart's lap while they were aboard a yacht?

(A) Dashed Hopes (B) Crushed Dreams (C) Monkey Business (D) Titanic Ego

8.) How did South Carolina Congressman John Jenrette and his wife, Rita, distinguish themselves during their short tenure in Washington in the late in the late Seventies and early Eighties?

(A) They opened a soup kitchen for Washington's homeless. (B) They opened up a swingers' club in the Capitol basement. (C)They threw the best Super Bowl party in town. (D) They fucked on the steps of the Capitol.

9.)A not entirely credible witness has said that in the Fifties, she observed FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover playing a gay sex game. What was the game?

(A)He dressed in drag, and while one leather boy read from the Bible, another diddled Hoover.(B) He dressed as John Dillinger, while two naked junior G-men blew him away. (C) He dressed as Ethel Rosenberg, and the boys whispered atomic secrets while stripping. (D) Name That Show Tune

10.) Dwight D. Eisenhower fell in love with the beautiful driver of his staff car, Kay Summersby during WWII. How did he refer to her when among friends?

(A)"A cute little jeep with a tight gearbox" (B) "Private Parts" (C) "A double-breasted GI with a built-in foxhole" (D) "Tina Turner"

Answers: l.A 2.D 3.B 4.B 5.D 6.D 7.C 8.D 9.A 10.B