The New Sexual Etiquette

good bedroom manners

Good manners are useful. They keep you from insulting and offending people, especially people you are trying to have sex with. As a single girl out there looking for love, I estimate that 85 percent of my dates are like the most laughable episodes of Blind Date. I thought I was alone until I spoke with a bunch of my girlfriends. Since the dating game is more of a game than ever, the art of courtship has somehow been lost. This is why the girls and I have regretfully concluded that sexual etiquette is at an all-time low.

Good manners require you to focus on the desires and needs of someone else, which is beneficial because it keeps everyone from becoming too self-absorbed. Women will love you for having manners, and you will get laid. So in the interest of your fulfillment. I invite you to eavesdrop on my late-night conversations with my friends as we discuss some sticky, sticky issues.

should women expect an orgasm first?

Maryann I've had a boyfriend for a year and I don't always expect to go first, but I do expect to have an orgasm eventually. It's disappointing when a man shoots his load, rolls over and falls asleep. Then I lie there thinking, What about me? What happened to my orgasm?

You can't always keep score, but at least if the woman goes first, nobody's disappointed.

I think it's thoughtful to forget about your own orgasm and to try to give the other person one. It's a Zen thing; whenever I do that, I end up not even noticing who had one first and we end up having hotter sex.

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Maryanne: Since I usually have two orgasms anyway, he gives me one first, then I give him one, then I get so excited watching him have one, I have another one.

Lori: It depends on how far into the relationship you are. Lack of etiquette is about being selfish. It's selfish to ignore the fact that she has not been satisfied. It doesn't always have to be ladies first, but it should be ladies by the time it's over. Guys usually don't end a sex session until they have an orgasm. In fact, most get pissed off if they have sex without having an orgasm.

Kathleen: I want a guy like Sting, who's into tantric yoga and can control himself and not blow his nuts in 10 seconds.

Margo: Once they fall asleep, it's over for us. The problem is, there's a difference between girl time and guy time. We sometimes need more warm-up time. I'm not even picky how I have the orgasm. I'll even take a finger job.

Susan: Have you ever seen that look a guy gets just after he has his orgasm and you say, "Could you make me come now?" That's when he looks at you like you just told him to dump the garbage.

Is Oral Sex A 50-50 Deal?

Karen: Oral sex ought to be reciprocal. It's only fair. Men have to think about "the little lady down there." What about her? If I give a guy a hum job first, I often don't get satisfied in return. It's unfair to demand oral without giving it. The best lovers are the ones who are givers. Etiquette is about fairness. But you don't always have to reciprocate at that moment, as long as you do it at some point. Later on that night is good.

Margo: About half the guys out there seem neutral about it, the other half are generous. I had one boyfriend who was so selfish, I had to institute the "you have to do me first before I do you," otherwise it would never happen. But I had another boyfriend who was so into it, that's all he wanted to do. I called him the Tongue.

Lori: There's nothing wrong with telling each other what you want. It's funny: Men and women put their genitals into each other's mouths, yet we're afraid to tell each other what we like. I don't mind if a guy says, "Be a little firmer." Or "Don't stop." I especially like "Oh my God! That's it. Oh, yeah." Then I like when he is rendered speechless.

Anka: Oral sex is so trendy these days. It seems like the thing you do before you have intercourse.

Elyse: But what about swallowing? I'm not going to swallow some guy I don't know.

Margo: I don't swallow, and don't expect me to.

Lori: Again, as with all of these issues, it's about communication. Let me know when it's about to happen. I like when a guy warns me of his ejaculation. That way I can decide if I'm going to accept his mojo. I once had a guy stand over me, and he squirted all over my face without giving me notice. It felt like he was peeing on me and I didn't like it. I'm married now and my husband always asks, "Where do you want it?" This way, I can keep from getting semen in my eye.

Stephanie: It's a respect thing. But the problem is that it's somewhat humiliating. If I don't know someone well, I don't want him standing above me expecting me to swallow. But if I know someone better, it seems primitive and hot. It's a situational thing. I think oral sex is a gift you give to each other.

Do Guys Get the Wrong Ideas About Sex from Pornography?

Kathleen: I love porn. I like to watch it alone or with a guy. But I have noticed that in the past couple of years, it seems like 90 percent of the money shots involve ejaculating on a woman's face. And last time I was porn shopping, I noticed one called 100 Facials, which consisted of 100 money shots on 100 girls' faces. I thought it was hilarious, until I was at a party recently and a guy, in his early 20s, came up to me and asked, "Can I come on your face?" I was shocked by his abruptness, so I asked him, "Now, why would you ask me such a rude question?" And he said, "Because I like your face and I would like to come on it," with no irony. All I could think was, Somebody has been watching too much porn.

Margo: Guys must get ideas from watching porn, because I don't think they sit around and discuss sexual techniques with their homies. In most pornos, when a girl gets her face squirted on, she laps it up like a Saint Bernard who hasn't eaten in two days. It really does look like chicks dig that, especially when they say stuff like, "Oh, yeah, give it to me, oh, yeah, it tastes so good." I think most girls don't mind getting facials, but they don't want it every time.

Karen: The problem is doing it without asking. After a guy watches a certain number of facial pornos, he thinks it's OK to do it.

Annie: Maybe that explains why men keep trying to convince us to have threesomes. I'm not bisexual and I'm not going to apologize for being heterosexual. I'm into the weenus and that's my story. But almost every porno movie shows girl-girl, and men are turned on by that, which is fine. But don't ask me to do it. Porn is not real life. The last three boyfriends that I've had, all in their 20s, have tried to convince me to have a threesome. Porn must give them ideas. The "let's bring some girls into our love thing" is like this new sexual obnoxiousness. My last boyfriend bugged me about it for a year. Finally, I found it insulting. It made me feel like he was dissatisfied with me. So I made a deal with him. I said, "OK, I'll have a threesome with you and another girl if you have a threesome with me and another guy." He never brought up the subject again.

Susan: This is what I don't like about porn: They don't kiss, they don't say much and they rarely compliment each other in any interesting way. And they always zoom in on that filmed-from-behind tea-bagging shot with the guy's balls hanging out. That never does it for me. What I do like about porn is that the guy always gives the girl cunnilingus. That is always good etiquette.

Elyse: A lot of men start watching porn at 15, when they first learn about sex. By the time they are 25, they request a threesome and a double penetration on the first date.

Anka: I actually think men and women should watch more porn together. It's a bonding experience. I've never put on a porn and had a guy say, "Let's watch something else." It's fun to make a running commentary about what you are seeing. Once a boyfriend and I were watching some cheesy porno we were making fun of and the next thing you know, we were saying, "You know, we should be doing that."

Is it Rude to Have Sex in Public?

Karen: Personally, I like public displays of affection, but I prefer a man to put his arm around me or hold my hand rather than shove his tongue down my throat and grope my boob-age in the middle of a crowded restaurant. That's embarrassing. I don't want to perform for everyone in the restaurant.

Anka: I had a boyfriend who wanted me to give him a hand job under the table at a restaurant. I'm a pretty good hand-job giver, but it was just too crowded in there to go undetected.

Elyse: Often when I fantasize about having sex outdoors, I think of someplace exotic, like a waterfall in Hawaii or a luxurious beach. Someplace where you have a chance of getting caught yet has some atmosphere. I'm sorry, but it's a big turnoff to try to have sex in a place that's gross. Guys always want to have sex in some dirty, smelly bathroom somewhere, like a gas station, because they think that it's (continued on page 169)Sexual Etiquette(continued from page 104) spontaneous. Yuck.

Kathleen: Once we were at a rock concert and my boyfriend tried to get me to have sex with him in one of those Porta-Johns. Those are nasty.

Margo: I don't mind having sex in weird places. But don't ask me to go into some place that's creepy, like an alley with rats and homeless guys.

Lori: Guys will have sex anywhere. If it were up to them, they'd have sex in a Dumpster.

Is it ok to Make Love Without a Condom?

Margo: I like when a guy takes responsibility. I like when he has a condom in his wallet and is really excited to use it. Then I get excited while he is putting it on.

Maryanne: Don't ask me to go bareback! I can't believe a 32-year-old said to me, "Come on, baby, let's go bareback, it feels so much better." It sounded so high school.

Stephanie: One man, in his attempt to go bareback, said, "Don't worry, I'm fixed." A 25-year-old who is fixed?

Annie: I was doing missionary with my ex and he complained that the condom felt like a rubber tire and that we should go bareback. I said no, and he got mad. It showed that he couldn't have cared less about me. That's why he's my ex. A man should bring his own condoms. He knows his penis better than I do.

Susan: I think we're past the point where people are embarrassed to use condoms. But I don't like it when a guy judges me because I have condoms with me. Everybody should carry them. But since we never know when we'll be getting laid, we often don't think of carrying them. Men should carry them in their wallets and women should put them in their purses. On the other hand, I was with this guy and he opened a drawer filled with torn condom wrappers, and said, "Let's see if I have any left!" which made him look like a real busy he-ho.

Maryanne: Men seem to have a problem with condom disposal. I'm not sure why that is. My boyfriend is sweet, but he throws the condom on the carpet afterward and I always step on it.

How do Women Want to be Treated After Sex?

Kathleen: We don't need someone to play love songs on an acoustic guitar right afterward or cuddle for two hours, but I think most women want to hear something positive after the fact. It's real simple. After such an intimate act, it's only polite to acknowledge it. He doesn't have to say, "That was the best sex I ever had!" but he should be nice afterward. One time a guy said to me, "You were great! Can we do that again?" and it made me feel good.

Karen: The worst is when a guy acts cranky or annoyed that you're still there. Once I slept with this guy who I had amazing sex with. When it was over, he got up and said, "Here's your stuff," like I was supposed to leave. Then he said, "Bye, I'm going to bed." The rudest part was that it was three in the morning and he lived in Hell's Kitchen. I wasn't asking him to marry me; all I wanted him to do was escort me to a cab. When I asked him if he would, he looked at me and said, "You're a big girl now," and walked back to his bedroom. That sucked.

Elyse: A guy could capture my heart by being sweet after sex. But I don't seem to have such luck. I would faint if a guy would say something like, "I wanna wake up where you are" (courtesy of the Goo Goo Dolls) or some other poignant statement like that. But after I had sex with this one guy for the second time, he said, "You know, I don't want a girlfriend right now." Frankly, I wasn't even thinking about a relationship with him at that point, but his saying that at that moment seemed cold.

Anka: Nothing ruins the afterglow of sex more than the other person saying, "You know, I'm married."

Margo: It would be a switch if I met a guy who would take me in his arms and say to me after sex, "Run away with me forever!" even if he's just saying it to make me laugh. But instead, after I had sex with this one guy, he ran out of my apartment and jumped into a cab like it was a getaway car.

Is it ok to Try to Have Sex on the First Date?

Maryanne: I am out there dating and I would have to say the majority of guys get too sexual too fast. I'm not going to sleep with every guy I go out to dinner with. Often, by the end of the evening, I find myself saying things like, "I've got to catch an early plane."

Margo: Women want to be charmed on a first date, seduced rather than broken down. When a guy is too eager to sleep with me, it's usually over before it even starts. Once he gets sexually excited, etiquette goes out the window. When he has a raging boner, he's not thinking about what's polite.

Susan: I had a first date with a guy, and we went out to dinner. I was hot for him, so afterward we went back to my place. Just because I invite a guy to my place, however, doesn't necessarily mean I am giving him the OK to do me. But I did want to make out with him. So we made out for about a half hour, and then I got up and said, "This was fun, but we have to continue later. I have to get up early." He looked annoyed, wouldn't get off the couch and said, "Do you mind if I just jerk off?"

Elyse: Most guys try to have sex with me on the first date. Of course, it depends on what you call a "date." It doesn't have to be a formal date, but I find generally that guys really try hard for it, and I think that's disrespectful. It usually happens after a few drinks in the form of trying to push my head down.

Kathleen: I was at a nightclub with this guy, and after dancing we went into the bathroom together. Yes, we were sort of drunk, but his behavior was obnoxious. Nobody was in the bathroom, so he pulled out his Johnson, pushed my head down and said, "Come on, suck it." I mean, did I miss something here? Like a compliment, maybe? Or a kiss? I felt like I had dick whiplash.

Stephanie: Being English, I can say that an Englishman would never think of doing that. But I have had several American guys do that to me on the first date. Englishmen are more polite in bed than American men are. They have more formal manners. Don't get me wrong, I love the American spirit and American men, but they could have better manners.

Annie: It's funny: There is no in-between. With guys you're either having sex or you're not. Once you start making out with them, they aren't thinking about stopping. Twenty-something guys are so eager.

Maryanne: But I don't think it's an age thing. I've dated guys in their 20s, 30s and 40s, and practically everyone has tried to have sex with me on the first date. It's unfair when a guy takes away my choice of when and if I want to have sex for the first time, like it's his decision. I like sex, too, but being subtle and charming is the way to go.

Karen: When a guy comes over for the first time and says, "Let's just hang out," and doesn't want to take me anywhere, what he really means is, "How can I have sex with you without dating you?" Just take me out somewhere before we screw for the first time. I like a little romance first. That's sexy to me. I don't like a guy to rush things. I like being hot for someone and not having sex with them on the first date. Then I can have some depraved sexual fantasies about him. When a guy is a perfect gentleman on the first date, I want to have sex with him even more.

Anka: Guys should masturbate before all first dates to keep from embarrassing themselves.

When Should you put Away Your Cell Phone?

Lori: I recently had a dinner date, and for three hours--through dinner, drinks and a walk through Soho--the guy took calls on his cell phone, one after another. At one point I was tempted to whip out my cell phone and call him on his so I'd have a chance to talk to him.

Anka: That kills any real intimacy. It's like the cell phone causes attention deficit disorder, and the person can't focus on one thing. He has to multitask.

Maryanne: Some people, women included, think they look important or popular if they're fielding calls all night. I think the cell phone creates a new sense of urgency. People think they have to take the call, no matter what else they're doing. When I'm out to dinner with someone, I turn mine off. I've been in restaurants in New York where you'll see a whole table of people talking on cell phones. It looks so ridiculous. It's like they're teleconferencing during dinner. What is so urgent at 11 o'clock at night? Once I saw a couple out on a date and I watched the guy talking on the cell phone the entire dinner, ignoring the girl. I felt sorry for her because she looked like she liked him. And I thought, I bet he ignores her all night, then tries to have sex with her. It's a new form of bad table manners.

Elyse: Cell phones in bed are even worse. Once a boyfriend and I were right in the middle of doing it, full-fledged intercourse, and his cell phone rang. He was an actor and when he saw it was his agent, he pulled out, jumped up and took the call. I understand that he's ambitious, but couldn't he have waited another five minutes? It turned out it wasn't important anyway. People think the cell phone comes first, and in this case it came before I did.

What's the Right Way to Get a Lover to do Something Kinky?

Maryanne: It's not a good idea to "break someone down," to get them to do something sexual they really don't want to do. If she doesn't want to share your sexual fantasy, you can't force her. Once you get to know someone, they usually reveal what their sexual fantasies are. And everyone has a different definition of kinky. The problem is, one person's sexual fantasy could be another person's nightmare.

Anka: People who are into kinky lifestyles like S&M, especially those engaging in the kinkiest activities possible, prenegotiate all of their activities. They establish codes of etiquette. With the "heavy player" crowd, everything they plan to do, including how far they will go, is discussed beforehand. They are doing such extreme stuff that if they don't negotiate things in advance, they could hurt each other. They have a motto: "A willing partner is too precious to hurt."

Stephanie: Discussing it beforehand is essential. Take anal sex, for instance. You can't do "surprise anal." Don't just start poking. Please notify me first. Let me know that you're going to be digging around in the backyard.

Annie: You have to talk if you're planning to get kinky. Then she won't get freaked out when he wants to have a gang bang.

Susan: It's only polite and shows good manners to talk about things first, especially before you pull out a huge dong and a whip.

Kathleen: Bondage is tricky, too. The first thing you need to know before introducing bondage restraints is who ties up whom.

Lori: Once I had a guy tie me to the refrigerator, and he left me there for the rest of the afternoon. That was rude. The least he could have done was turn on the television.

Maryanne: Also, if you're going to introduce something into a relationship like spanking, you need to know who's getting spanked. Not every woman likes to be spanked. I hate it, but I have fantasies of spanking a guy, so if he just starts spanking me without saying anything first, I get mad.

Elyse: And don't pressure me to have a threesome. My last boyfriend wouldn't stop. If I were bisexual I wouldn't have a problem with it, but I'm not, so stop asking. If the other person doesn't share your fantasy and says no to it, it's uncool to keep asking.

Annie: Fetishes are hard to deal with and can create a sticky problem, especially when one person doesn't want to share the other person's fetish. A man I went out with once was into cross-dressing. The first time we had sex he came out of the bathroom wearing pantyhose. At first I thought he was kidding. But the next time we had sex he wanted to wear my bra. I'm open-minded and thought it was funny. But when he said he wanted to wear my dress in bed, I realized he needed to cross-dress to get off. I told him he'd have to keep his cross-dressing to himself. Sorry, but I don't want to date Mrs. Doubtfire.

Anka: How do you tell someone that his heterosexual cross-dressing is rude? Sorry, but I'm out of there when it becomes a "lifestyle." Next thing you know he'll be taking you out to a baseball game wearing a wig, dress and heels.