Are You a Sex God?

Attention, sex gods of the world, we have news for you. Most guys, no matter how unfortunate, can recall an occasion when some woman told them they were the best lover ever. Women are sly that way. Sure, you have tales of baby-oiled Tri-Delts wriggling in a hot tub in Cabo, garter-belted secretaries being wheelbarrowed over a conference table or braless dental hygienists getting a good flossing themselves. They don't count.

What we're talking about is whether your Rodin hands and your Coltrane tongue induced unique bouts of shivering and areolar erectility. There's only one way to tell, and it's time to test your knowledge. For that, we've developed a quiz much like the standardized tests you've been taking all your life. It's scientific--definitely not the namby-pamby shit other magazines play with. This quiz will help you discover your sexual sixth sense. Sharpen your pencil. Set your watch. Go.

(1) You're on a first date with Caroline, the cute brunette from marketing. Incredibly, things have gone well and she welcomed your initial, tentative goodbye kiss. Now you're five minutes into a tongue tango, and goodbye feels like a hello. What's your best strategy for turning your make-out session into a full-blown sex extravaganza?

(a) At first opportunity, you demonstrate your amazing tongue-sucking trick.

(b) With a great display of nervous excitement, you let your hands travel to her breasts at five-minute intervals and persist in trying to cop a feel until she whispers ''No'' the third time. You follow this strategy at all stations of the cross until you're bare-ass naked and bouncing away, always sticking to the rule of three noes for each body part.

(c) At the first sign of resistance to your next move, you back off, exchange numbers and immediately plan date number two.

(d) After kissing for a while, you ask her if she wants to ''make love.''

(2) When having a second-date dinner with tight-bodied personal trainer Dana, she tells you a disaster story. Apparently, some yabbo tried to get some under-the-table head between courses by snatching her glass of Rioja, pouring the wine onto his crotch and sneering, ''Lap it up, baby.'' In response, you:

(a) ask, ''Did you do it?''

(b) exclaim, ''That's horrible! What a pig!''

(c) make up a story about a wild woman you once knew who was forever trying to get you to have sex with her in public but succeeded only in making you feel incredibly uncomfortable.

(d) hold up your glass and jokingly threaten to spill wine on her lap.

(3) While fooling around drunkenly in the back of a cab with buxom blonde bridesmaid Brooke and burrowing hungrily into the ripe cleavage spilling out of her strapless gown, you suddenly have to puke. What to do?

(a) Ask the driver to stop the taxi-cab, do your business where you can't be seen and pick up where you left off.

(b) Stop the cab, do your business, apologize and bid her good night.

(4) Talisa, that slim, twitchy sophomore redhead two doors down the hall, gave your palm a naughty little stroking when you handed her an Amstel at the Phi Psi party last weekend. Now, under the pretense of studying, she's curled up on your futon in a flimsy, fraying long-sleeve T-shirt that barely reaches the southern border of her ass--and she's teasing you into a neurosis. Drawing on your knowledge of the typical college girl, what type of undergarment are you most likely to find cradling her cleft notes?

(a) Girlie Calvin Klein briefs that go high up on the hips.

(b) An all-purpose thong.

(c) Bad, bad Talisa: no panties at all.

(d) Full cotton coverage, and Muppet-patterned, to boot.

(5) Wielding your Nikon, you say, ''Give me sexy.'' Your girlfriend, sitting on your couch, slides her skirt up slowly to reveal her thigh-highs. Wielding your Nikon (and a stiffy), you say, ''Now give me dirty.'' Which of the following poses is she most likely to strike?

(a) A slightly more elevated skirt and a couple of blouse buttons undone, but no more.

(b) Lying back on couch fully nude, legs spread, hand acting as fig leaf.

(c) The stirrups-and-speculum special.

(d) A scowl and, in the foreground, an upraised middle finger.

(6) Which of the following combinations of your mouth, your fingers, their movement and their positioning is most likely to induce guttural moaning in your woman?

(a) Tongue on navel, thumb in pussy, middle finger extended to anus, other hand tickling behind the knee.

(b) Tongue deep inside pussy, thumb pressing on clit, fingers gently brushing pubic hair, other hand massaging ass.

(c) Tongue wide, flat and rolling against clit, two fingers in easy beckoning motion inside pussy, middle finger of other hand slowly circling nipple, other fingers massaging breast.

(d) Tongue tensed and flicking maniacally at clit, three fingers pumping vagina, middle finger circling anus rapidly and occasionally slipping in, thumb and forefinger of other hand pinching nipple, pinkie extended to tickle ear.

(7) She has marvelous cascades of curly black hair, a D-cup rack soft as goose down, an extensively talented Jolie-esque mouth that becomes virginally tight when she blows you--but Maya simply won't take it up the ass. Which of the following might she do to compensate?

(a) Threesome.

(b) Rim job.

(c) Go down on you in a crowded theater.

(d) Let you and your boss eat sashimi off her.

(8) On your third date, having fucked your brains out for seven hours straight (including two stints in her condo pool and one in the shower with her roommate watching), Diane asks you how many women you have slept with. The actual number is 16, which is (continued on page 156; answers provided on page 158) Sex God(continued from page 91) represented by Z. The number you correctly share with her is:

(a) Z+45

(b) Z-15

(c) Z

(d) Z+4, then Z-4, then Z-10, then, ''You mean intercourse or blow jobs?''

(9) Referring once again to question 8, where Z=16, if you ask Diane the same question and the answer is Z3--shit, if it's even Z2--which of the following would be the correct course of action?

(a) Get your ass to the doctor, pronto.

(b) Leave.

(c) Check your wallet.

(d) All of the above.

(10) If M=missionary, D=doggy style, B=butterfly, S=spoon and O=her on top, which of the following sequences of sexual positions, all executed within the same coital session, will most efficiently bring about her orgasm?

(a) M, B, D, S, O

(b) O, M, B

(c) D, D, D

(d) O, O, O

(11) It's New Year's Eve. You've brought Sloane, your svelte blonde princess, to a suite at the top of the Four Seasons. Just when you're both ready to explode, she pulls away and starts sucking and stroking you like the end of the world is nigh. What comes next?

(a) Fully digestive swallowing.

(b) Foamy, oozy dribbling.

(c) A pearl necklace.

(d) Oil of Olay facial.

(12) Complete each analogy (match your fantasy profile with the appropriate partner. For example: a+b, b+c, etc.):

You: (a) The strapping pool boy with an atomic bulge in his tight shorts.

(b) The sweaty UPS delivery man.

(c) The scolding principal.

(d) The quarterback of the varsity after a tough game.

Your girlfriend: (a) A gorgeous stripper from Club Super Sex who takes you not just back to the VIP room but all the way back to your apartment.

(b) The luscious, miniskirted intern interviewee who keeps crossing and uncrossing her legs.

(c) The strapping pool boy with an atomic bulge in his tight shorts.

(d) The leggy, stiletto-heeled sales-woman in the lingerie section of Nordstrom who offers you a private modeling session in the dressing room, and any other service you might require.

(13) If it takes Blair, a petite, small-breasted Floridian publicist with unusually prominent nipples, X minutes to get wet by just pinching her nipples lightly, and if it takes Blair Y minutes to achieve the same groovability with a nipple pinch and a lick to her earlobe, which of the following would result in Blair's getting swampy in X/Y minutes?

(a) Stroking the underside of her breasts.

(b) Stroking the inside of her thighs.

(c) Nibbling at her neck.

(d) Entering her immediately.

(14) You have been dating Julie--a party-loving, easygoing beauty--for two months, and now you're spending every night together. One evening she tells you she has started her period and has a slight headache. What do you do?

(a) Head back to your place to hang with your friends, knowing she appreciates your appreciation of a good time and will be looking forward to seeing you tomorrow.

(b) Spoon her gently while trying to slip it in, and back off when she nudges you away.

(c) Draw a warm bubble bath for her and insist on giving her a massage.

(d) Throw a large bath towel on the bed and tell her to ready herself.

(15) What a stud! You've been ramming away for 50 minutes with Cindy, the slightly slutty friend of your older sister, but she still hasn't come. At this point you:

(a) Take a breath, give her deep kisses and thrust slowly and gently.

(b) Explode all over her belly, wipe off and get right back to it.

(c) Pull the rip cord, then offer to go down on her.

(d) Don't stop, don't stop, don't stop (for at least another 50).

(16) Things are getting sexually redundant with the love of your life--long, tall Kerry with the wonderfully waxed vaginal lips. She protests wearing lingerie to bed every night. You're active, but it seems every night it's blow job, cunnilingus, doggy style, then missionary to finish. What's the best way to mix things up?

(a) Talk to her about pulling another threesome with her short, feisty friend Amanda.

(b) Buy her a new dildo.

(c) Talk to her about pulling a three some with your short, feisty friend Bob.

(d) Suggest a refreshing mutual masturbation session where you can talk about how nice it was to have pulled a threesome with her short, feisty friend Amanda.

True or False (Time limit for this section: five minutes.)

(17) The nipple is the nubby part, the areola is the flat circle around it. T or F.

(18) Vaseline is an appropriate lubricant for anal sex. T or F.

(19) Taint is a slang term for perineum. T or F.

(20) The sacral dimples are the slight indentations on the insides of her upper thighs. T or F.

(21) The G spot is a spongy mass of tissue on the inner vaginal wall that most women ask you to please stop touching. T or F.

(22) There are more nerve endings inside the vagina than in the vaginal lips. T or F.

(23) All straight women are turned off by gay male porn. T or F.

Answers: Give yourself the corresponding points for each answer.

Question 1: A,--2 (You fool!) B, 15 (It's a risky strategy that pays off more often than not.) C, 5 (A safe bet. You know you'll get laid, it's just a matter of when.) D, 0 (Nice guys never get nookie.)

Question 2: A, 0 (You fool!) B, 5 (A fine answer, but one that makes you seem more like a girlfriend than a man. And if you start a romance, you'll have a lot of explaining to do when you break out the porn tapes.) C, 10 (You're a man of the world, with sensibilities compatible with hers.) D, 0 (Yes, women like a funny guy. But not that funny.)

Question 3: A, 0 (-15 if you answered B to question 1. You are an animal, not a sex god.) B, 2 (A no-brainer.)

Question 4: A, 5 (7 if you dated female jocks.) B, 7 (Even if she owns only one thong, she'll be wearing it.) C, 0 (7 if you went to Brown, Amherst, Oberlin, Sarah Lawrence or Bennington.) D, 0 (3 if you went to Berkeley; 7 if you went to Columbia and Talisa's real name was Hank.)

Question 5: A, 8 (The most likely scenario given the limited information above.) B, 5 (It's possible, but only after lots of negotiation and support--''You'll look beautiful, we'll burn the negatives, etc.'') C, 2 (If she was going gyno on ''dirty,'' she would have gone topless on ''sexy.'') D, 10 (Now there's a dirty girl--she won't drop top for anything smaller than a Hasselblad.)

Question 6: A, 0 (This ain't a giggle fest, which is the only outcome of kissing bellies and tickling knees.) B, 5 (Why not? Some girls like tongue fucking.) C, 6 (Fine for the finale.) D, 0 (Impossible for anyone except a three-armed yogi or Wilt Chamberlain.)

Question 7: A, 5 (It's a rare woman who won't entertain the idea; it's a rare woman who will go through with it--but she knows it gives you something other than her ass crack to shoot for.) B, 0 (Take a cold shower, bub. Hell, take a hot shower--you're still not getting a rim job.) C, 3 (Most women will do it once in their lives.) D, 0 (Yes, she'd have to be naked, and no, she wouldn't do it.)

Question 8: A,--10 (You're an idiot.) B, 0 (It's the right idea to lowball it, but unless you got off seven times and she never did, you'll never get away with it.) C, 5 (As much as we hate to admit it, honesty is the best policy--and only because your initial lie will trip you up in the future. She should be able to deal with any number under 20.) D,--10 (You're worse than the guy who answered A.)

Question 9: A, 2 (A trick question. We know you used condoms, so no worries, right? And we know you wouldn't tell her your plan--that would be unseemly.) B, 0 (You wimp.) C, 0 (You lout.) D,--2 (You unseemly, wimpy lout.)

Question 10: A, 0 (Running through the zodiac of positions pleases only you. Contemporary women, while willing to do it all, will quickly tire of your wanna-be-porn-star ways.) B, 0 (Do you even know what the butterfly position is? We sure don't.) C, 4 (Frees up your hands and maybe one of hers, though she may prefer face-to-face contact.) D, 6 (Other than a modified missionary, this has the most potential to please her.)

Question 11: A, 10 (It's New Year's Eve, after all, and she knows it.) B, 4 (Standard procedure, and the Four Seasons demands better.) C, 7 (Something special and kinky; more likely if you had a big meal earlier.) D, 0 (We know Sloane, and she doesn't like the way it makes her eyes sting.)

Question 12: Five points for any four combinations (whatever turns you on).

Question 13: A, 1 (Couldn't hurt, but you're not adding much to the nipple pinching.) B, 5 (By adding another erogenous zone to the list, you should be able to enhance her arousal.) C, 1 (Not adding much to the ear licking.) D, 4 (Go for it! Blair sounds pretty fucking hot!)

Question 14: A, 0 (No, no, bad move to abandon her while she feels lousy.) B, 5 (Yes, this is the right move--letting her know she's still desirable even in the worst conditions and that you're sensitive enough to back off.) C, 0 (It's not your honeymoon--she won't enjoy your duplicity in trying to ease her into sex. If she wants to have sex--and some women love period sex--she'll pull her own bath.) D, -2 (Muy macho. Too muy macho.)

Question 15: A, 2 (She's probably feeling pressure to reach orgasm. While this is a worthy move after 10 minutes, it might not do the trick here.) B, 1 (No cheating--you're either lying or taking Viagra. Either way, this won't get her off.) C, 10 (Bingo. It's more important for her to get you off than to get off herself. She may not take you up on the offer, but she'll admire it.) D, 0 (Go home and throw away all your porn tapes.)

Question 16: A, 1 (''What, you're not satisfied with our sex life?'') B, 1 (''What makes you think I need this? And why isn't it larger?'') C, 2 (''Maybe someday, but not with Bob.'') D, 6 (''We should do that more often!'')

True or False: Five points for each correct answer.

17, T. 18, F. 19, T. 20, F. 21, T. 22, F. 23, F.

Legend

128-144: Yes, you are a sex god. 111-127: A good lover but not a crowd pleaser. 81-110: Hey, at least you're getting off. 51-80: There are other things in life besides being loved by the ladies. We just don't know of any yet. 0-50: Go back to reading Maxim.