How to Talk a Woman into Sex

A Bartender friend says he sees it night after night: A great-looking woman meets some guy–not Benicio Del Toro, not a stand-up comic, not even an heir to a beverage empire–and something he says convinces her that it's time to screw. Sometimes they make it only to the car before they are overcome with lust, and then they're back in the bar, looking obvious and thirsty. But each time the drama is tender and irresistible and follows a certain arc along which the guy, and always the guy. Has about a hundred opportunities to fuck up. Will he get a shot at life-affirming intimacy, no matter how anonymous or brief? Or will she suddenly realize she'd rather be home getting stoned watching "Wuthering Heights" with a battery-powered Johnny Wadd stuffed in her pajamas? It all depends on how well he reads the signs.

There is a golden rule to getting first-night nooky and, as with a tea ceremony or putting the pin back in a hand grenade, it's so simple it's hard: She has to feel understood, even if all you understand is, "I want to fuck you, and don't make a big deal out of it." She wants to know she's safe to express herself. That you are committed to the process of talking her through it. That you'll protect her from her own excuses by making all the moves. That you want her. That she's worth it. That she's the white-hot center of the universe.

It helps to pay attention to the wisdom of George Clinton: Free the mind and the ass will follow. Every clown in the room wants her body. But if you acknowledge her sexy mind, brother, you will receive an upper invitation to a lower invasion. This requires the same techniques, ironically, that will one day save your marriage: Listen, follow her lead, make her laugh, flatter her silly, take control and then take the blame.

It's more than an honest night's work. It's a science. And women want you to know your craft, doctor. Haven't you been watching Sex and the City? Women I know say the show is a guilty pleasure. The "empowered" women on this show bounce through endless, unsatisfying, cavalier experiments with men—but meanwhile they're fucking all of them! That's good news. Look at the underlying message: Women are horny. But there's more. These New York sexpots talk active but act passive, don't actually believe in anything and have not one shred of willpower. And still, they demand respect. Every episode proves again that, in their neurotic groping for both a hot hump and validation, they're putting all the power in your hands. As long as they feel understood or at least free, they don't have a rule that can't be stretched or broken. Two things men are good at.

Any gal worth the salt on her margarita glass will tell you she has dorked guys who were dorks. But the men who got into her pants knew something. Either by accident or design, they made a fast, sure journey straight to the center of her mind.

Break the ice

Women don't go to bars or parties, even in packs, to be with their girlfriends. If they tell you that's what they're doing, you're being given the brush-off. They're looking for guys. Otherwise, they'd have their Chocoholics Anonymous meetings in one of their apartments.

You spot her. She's with a girlfriend, she's having fun and she looks like she would rut like a screaming alley cat. Check her vibe and her clothes and the people that she is with. What kind of woman is she? A party girl? Earth goddess? Power babe? Naughty librarian? Ms. Right? Bar slut? Is she laughing a lot, or is she sitting back waiting to be impressed? What's she drinking? How are her friends acting? Note her strong points—she picked a great song on the jukebox, maybe, or made a scathing comment about Monica Lewinsky, or she's getting the most laughs. Also note any potential insecurities, like if she's a little shy or is in a discussion that she doesn't seem to know much about. You can use these later.

Make contact. Almost anything will do. If she's at all interested, she'll be inclined to go with the first few awkward moments. But if you're using some corny line like, "You must have a mirror in your pocket, because I can see myself in your jeans," be sure she's in the mood for something funny. If she laughs, you're in there. If she scowls, tell her you were just joking and introduce yourself. If she gives a little huff, move on. Humor is the best lubricant, and if she's into it, show her the depths of irony, like, "You have the whitest teeth I've ever come across." Just be prepared to duck if she starts slapping.

Also, tune your approach to the woman's maturity. You probably do this instinctively, but if the woman is 23 she'll be a lot more forgiving than if she's 38. The older woman wants an early signal that you're someone worth talking to. Which takes us to the next stage.

Ask questions and follow her lead

Don't worry about being interesting; learn instead to be interested. Go into the conversation believing you have nothing to lose and a lot to learn. This is a basic life skill, man, and it takes that long to master.

Ask questions based on your first impression, like "You played that song by Buffalo Daughter. Do you like the new album?" Or "My friend and I were just talking about that Lewinsky documentary. What did you think about it?" Or "Is Howard Stern offensive?" Make sure the questions seem relevant to her and not show-offy. Try to get her quickly into a topic she knows about and can feel comfortable with. Keep it light. Stay away from morbid or highly sexualized topics.

Go where she goes. Don't grill her, but don't talk too much, either. A woman will find out what she wants to know about you. If you give the impression you're doing the same, she'll feel comfortable.

Why hang back and let her talk? Why not just blast her with how cool you are? That copy of Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus your last girlfriend gave you must be propping up your bong, unread. A woman feels validated when she feels that she is heard. Not when you have solved her problems or asserted yourself, but when she feels empathy full stop. This is true of all women, from the man-hater to the damsel in distress. When she feels validated, she feels powerful and flattered and safe. She opens up. Even if she's not falling in love, she thinks, This guy really wants to know about me. Then she'll want to show you things about her. Eventually, she'll want to fuck your brains out because that's another way she can show you how desirable she is.

If she's into empowerment, empower her. If she needs to feel like she makes all the decisions, let her. If she needs to be swept off her feet, do slightly more of the talking but stay on subjects she wants to talk about. Keep letting her reveal herself. (A note about lying: Stretching the truth isn't against the rules here. The point is to back her up, go with the role she has in mind for you. Often you'll both have strong suspicions that the other is lying, but keep right on talking. The point of your conversation is copulation, and sometimes a well-placed fib that protects one or both of you is highly appreciated.)

Reveal yourself

Women thrive on intimacy, and it almost doesn't matter whose life is being revealed. She will get just as worked up discovering your inner life—the poet inside the jock, the mystic parading as a market analyst. Women are includers, not excluders. She's looking for a reason to defend you. Give her one.

Steer this process a little to make yourself look good. Starving artist? Stay on the aesthetics and don't talk about being broke unless it's an empathetic connection. Short? Don't neurotically talk about it. A friend once told me she gave a short guy the brush-off with: "I could eat beans off your head!" He coolly replied, "So?" That made her laugh. He got her.

Smile

You don't know how many women mention this. You're having fun talking (continued on page 163)Talk Sex(continued from page 90) to her, aren't you?

Flatter

Somewhere early in the conversation, point out one of her strengths. Stay away from comments about her physical self. Every dope she's ever met has told her she has beautiful eyes. Instead, pick out a behavior or something she said: "I'm so glad I met you, because you are by far the most interesting person at this party," or "That comment about Bush was intriguing," or "I've never thought of commercials that way before." Something that reflects her image of herself.

The flattery line can be a good opener, but usually it's better if it comes a little later in the conversation. It'll seem more sincere, probably because it is.

Empathy, by the way, is also flattering. If she's talking about some family or office situation, and you can drop in an anecdote that shows you know just what she's talking about, she'll edge a little closer to you. Even if the unspoken communication between you is "We're just flapping our gums until we find the moment to start making out," she'll know you respect the fact that she's going along with the game.

Make her feel secure

This is the reverse of flattery. If you've perceived she's a little insecure about talking to some guy in a bar, put it on yourself: "I almost never talk to someone in a bar like this," or "I have to admit I didn't know what the hell that curator was talking about." Make sure you can back it up. For instance, don't then yell to the bartender, "Billy! The usual!"

Ask if available

If she's not wearing a ring, go ahead and ask her, "Are you seeing anybody?" If she is wearing a ring, and you have a strong feeling, ask what she's up to later. She won't mind. In fact, she'll appreciate it. This way, you're declaring at least part of your intention. It's also an out for her if she wants to lie and say she's taken. Oh, and if she was wearing a ring and has taken it off? Brother, skip the next round of drinks and ask the bartender for a condom. Make it a double.

Size it up

Many women say the urge to fuck a guy can take them by complete surprise. You'll hit a button and she suddenly feels powerfully attracted to you. Don't botch this by talking about it. If you see that light come on, don't take it for granted, and don't hesitate.

Check the physical signs. When a woman has made up her mind, a strange glow comes over her. Maybe it's the heat coming off her skin, or maybe it's a mist of pheromones. She moves imperceptibly closer, her eyes soften, her voice lowers, her breathing seems deeper, an intimation of a smile flits over her reddened lips.

Even if you don't see these signs, you may have a perfectly good chance. Men miss the most obvious plays. If she hasn't said no, you're still on the field. Take stock. How long have you been talking? Will another round of drinks just make you sloppy? Is that what she wants? Does she seem to be waiting for you to say something? If you still have some doubts, ask her how she is feeling. Edge into a break from talking to action, but stay away from the negative. Don't say, "I'm tired of this place, let's go somewhere else." Instead, try "I want to talk more about this; you want to go somewhere?" (If you use this, have in mind someplace that's cool and more intimate.)

Take control

There's no way to eliminate all risk when you are making your big move. Eventually you have to do something. If the girl is aggressive, she'll suddenly give you a significant look, or want to kiss you, or just tell you outright that it's time to make it. But a vast majority of women want you to make that first move. Women are geniuses at assessing their own emotional lives—past, present and future—and she's going to protect herself. If you make the move, she won't have herself to blame. You talked her into it. You seemed interested. You tricked her. This can happen even if she was the one who accosted you. That way, she lessens any feelings of being judged, either real or perceived, by herself or by other women.

Some women need to believe that sex is nasty, that bars are a place where people do dirty things, or that they should not go home with someone they just met. She's not a ho, she doesn't want to feel like a ho, and you have to help.

Make physical contact. Kiss her. If she's shy, take her by the hand and lead her out the door, to a dark hall, to your car. If she says she has to go to the bathroom and it's out of eyesight, go with her. If you have to go, take her with you. This is where so many good lays go bad. The time away from you is just enough for her to reconsider, or to be intercepted by her girlfriends or a better-looking guy. Be honest. Say, "I'm enjoying this, I don't want to leave you right now."

If she's young and resists, ask her again. If she's older and more experienced and resists, it's OK to ask if she's sure. Give her the love eyes, but don't push it. Don't be a dick and ask her why. If you're cool about it, chances are she'll remember when you see her again. Often it's the second or third time two people meet that they end up satisfying all that unconsummated flirtation.

If the girlfriends intervene, try to get a message through. Pull her aside and whisper that you'd like to stick with her or see her later. At the very least you might get a number and, if things had been going hot and heavy, you'll probably hit it quick next time the two of you are alone. And if you're out with a buddy who's got one on, don't salt his game. How many times have you seen the friend come up and say, "So, what's up?" and blow the whole thing? Give your man the high sign and disappear.

Be a good sport

In the postlib era, men feel some amount of shame for having to coax a woman into the sack. The helpless-female archetype brings out the caveman archetype in men, and we have been taught to believe this is foul. Don't wimp out. Be a man. It's what she wants you to do. As long as she's not dead drunk, she's placed herself and her decision in your hands. (If she is, do everyone a favor and just make sure she gets in a cab or her girlfriends get her home, then try again some other night.) If you attempt to protect her and second-guess her intentions, she'll feel rejected and angry.

This is especially true after the deed is done. When you walk out from behind the building, or she gets up in the morning and looks for her skirt, don't be surprised if she doesn't want your number. You played a role for her and now it's over. She might not want to think of herself as having been easy. She might have been using you, or she might have seen something in you she didn't like. For her own comfort, she might need to believe that she threw her pearls before swine, and now she's taking her pearls back. Is your pride so fragile that you can't get some good hot quim and then just walk away whistling? We didn't think so.

Try, try again

Run through what worked and what didn't. Be analytical. Talk it over with close friends, male and female. Get feedback. One caveat: Don't ask a girl who didn't sleep with you to tell you why. All talk between men and women is fore-play. She'll know you're still trying, and that's pathetic. Instead, go over what was successful and build on that. Sexual negotiation between men and women is our life's work. Be proud that your quest for pussy is also fostering more honest communication between men and women. Doing the dog makes the man, and every dog has his day.

Men feel some amount of shame for having to coax women into the sack. Don't wimp out. Be a man. It's what she wants you to do.

The men who got into her pants knew something. Either by accident or design, they made a fast, sure journey straight to the center of her mind.