Dear Friends, Get Me the Fuck Out of Here!

February 35, 2053

Hello, my name is Carlin Tammanny. I am (not) writing to you from Baja Mexico, California, in the world's greatest country, the United States of America and Friends©. It is 2053. I will leave this letter at the Exxon Advantage One Post Office ®™ in a box marked "Letter From the Past to People Even Further in the Past to Be Sent in the Future if a Time Machine Is Ever Built." By the way, how much do stamps cost back then? Now they are two chickens apiece!

This is the one week of the year in which the weather is nice, and His Royal President says if the filth index is not too high, they may slide back the dome! Ah, fresh-like™ air!

Here's what you should know about me: I am a typical 34-year-old guy. My mom died of cancer as a result of going outside too much and my dad died bladeboarding while filming Jackass 28: Jackassier. My younger brother, Schneider who is ranked fifth in the world in Electronic Ice Jamming, will complete in next year's Las Vegas Winter Olympics. My sister, who work-funs for the Department of Homeland Security, is lost. We believe she's somewhere in the Warehouse (formerly North Dakota), where they store all our files. Her tracking anklet probably ran out of juice, but who knows?

My work-fun is at the water®™ treatment plant. It is a step from my last work-fun at DynaCorp, where I was in charge of the NannyCams, which are mandatory in all homes to ensure that no one sleeps too erotically. My official work-fun title? Head of Crybabies. When the last source of fresh water was poisoned in 2042, the country instituted a bold new plan to replenish our water®™ supply: desalinization of tears! After it became legal to clone immigrants, Senate Pro Tem Wal-Mart (R. – Canada) came upon the solution of torturing them and extracting their tears. Now water®™ costs only 14 tap dances.

My typical day: Wake up, pop a shower pill, suit up, insert one of my penises (evolution!) into the penis scanner and go to work-fun. My hobbies include growing medical marijuana for lab rats (not for humans—the tests are still inconclusive) and home-brewing Botox. Oops, have to go for now—the probes are triangulating my position. Again, this is not a letter.

Sincerely,

Carlin

*We switched to a pill-based economy in the late Thirties.

February 38, 2053

Hello again, friend.

Well, they let me off with a forehead demerit label. Which reminds me: Our culture is populated with a vast number of primitive elderly people, 80 percent of whom have leathery skin covered with pictures of smiling devils and fiery eight balls. Their pierced ears, noses, tongues, eyebrows, lips and private parts dangle to the floor. It's quite amusing.

I hear that TV is popular in your era. Our most popular television show is Watchin' It!, a neoreality program in which you go online to find other people watching Watchin' It! You tape yourself watching them and get as many people as you can to watch you watch them. Also popular? The White House™-sponsored Fox News and Variety Show, a look at the day's White House™-approved events. To keep the news light, they feature singing, juggling, torturing and animal acts between stories.

I am certainly not writing a letter at this very moment.

I woke up this morning to a headline floating above my pseudobed®: It's a Deal! Catholic Church to Buy a Controlling Interest in Judaism. This is huge. Things had gotten hairy seven years ago after it was revealed that the Vatican purchased weapons-grade plutonium from the New York Yankees and was three years away from developing the bomb. After nearly two years of negotiations, the Catholic Church met Judaism's tough demands for a leveraged buyout. With Islam selling itself to the Cartoon Network, almost the whole world is set to receive a cash infusion.

The big question is, How will this affect the upcoming Presidential® selections? Jenna Bush-Cheney, the Republican, is running against Laura Bush-Bush from the Democratic Lite Party. Oddly enough, the candidates seem to agree on almost every issue, including the most contentious, the privatization of gravity. In a nutshell, after the Carlyle Group was successful in its attempt to privatize water in what used to be referred to as "Latin America" but is now known as "the Suburbs," it proposed eminent domain as a way of laying claim to gravity. Both Bush-Cheney and Bush-Bush agree that it is imperative for the government to regulate gravity, lest it fall into the hands of evildoers.* It should be an interesting race, especially if a third-party candidate penetrates the system. Citizens are excited about Andy, a Christian puppet and host of the children's show The Get-Along Gang, who threw his hat into the ring. Andy has interesting things to say about America's place in this world and the next. Plus, he's so cute!

That's it for right now—my forehead label is emitting electric shocks.

God bless America and Friends®,

Carlin

*This is now recognized as a legitimate word.

February 41, 2053

Greetings, past pal.

Jenna and Laura are neck and neck. But enough about politics. What does the new law state? "Never discuss religion or politics at dinner." 'Nuff said! Here are the things from your time that I would miss given the chance to experience them: fresh fish, the sound of laughter and perhaps the greatest comedy sketch group ever, the Scientologists. Still, nothing beats progress. Sometimes it's worth losing civil rights or a species. You guys won't believe how awesome it is to live in my era—there's so much convenience! The most common mode of transportation is the SUV jet pack. Even though the vehicles can hold a family of five, most people who fly them are single and never use the space. But still, what fun! Remember cell phones? When they required too many numbers to program, the government created traceable cell-phone lip implants. Now you just talk to your lip. See? Easier! And this way they know where you are at all times, so if you need help or are downloading something illegal, an agent will be on his, her or its way.

I will leave you with one last slice of wisdom. Should this letter reach you at its intended time, please take this financial tip: Invest heavily in American flags manufactured in China by prison labor. The ones with 50 stars will be highly prized collector's items after the Rumsfeld & Partners Inc. Annexation Treaty of 2004. Also, invest in Chinese prison labor.

Regards and good luck,

Carlin Tammanny

Plantation Gardens Quadrant Apt. #6408-CX

No Letter Writing Allowed

P.S. Please build a time machine and get me the fuck out of here! It sucks now!

Comedian David Cross recently received some mysterious messages from a future society. Luckily, he forwarded them to us

My typical day: Wake up, pop a shower pill, suit up, insert one of my penises (evolution!) into the penis scanner and go to work-fun. By the way, how much do stamps cost back then? Now they are two chickens apiece!