The Hipster's Guide to Dating

You have seen her at the coffee shop—the tasty chick with artfully disheveled hair, retro Puma sneakers and a finely honed look of condescension. Or maybe you spotted her puffing on a French cigarette outside an indie-band concert in a "transitional" part of town. Or flipping through vintage LPs at a vinyl-only record shop. She's a hipster, a sexy mixture of the downtown bohemian, streetwise misfit and all-night party girl. She may drag around a guitar case full of attitude, but underneath that short mod dress or kitschy Iron Maiden T-shirt, she's got a taut little body and no reason to be home before six in the morning. Of course, to get inside the hipster chick's Che Guevara – print panties, you first need to get inside her head.

Why bother? Well, aside from revving things up between the sheets with a girl who won't protest that you're mussing her hair, just hanging out with this unique species can be rewarding: Hipster chicks will shoot pool with you and not complain about chipping a fingernail. Hipster chicks will smoke a joint with you on a Tuesday afternoon. Hipster chicks will never make you sit through a Meryl Streep movie. Best of all, hipster chicks have tongue piercings. Need we say more?

Identifying The Hipster Habitat

Before you can bed hipster chicks, you have to find them. With the exception of T.G.I. Friday's, tanning salons and Pink Floyd laser shows, hipsters are common to many parts of these United States. Nonetheless, hipsters are fairly selective about the places where they spend their free time:

Hipsters Frequent

Hipsters Avoid

Walk the Walk

Once you have a fixed position on a bevy of hipster beauties, it's time to make a connection. Remember, these girls put a lot of time and energy into looking like they're wearing whatever was crumpled on the closet floor that morning, and they want a partner who will complement their carefully calculated social presence. Wearing a pair of pleated khakis, a tie and a Virginia Tech baseball cap into her favorite metal bar is more likely to get you mauled by her pit bull than laid. The bottom line: Hipster chicks will barely acknowledge your existence if they suspect that you're not a hipster yourself. (For more tips on fitting in, see "Hipster Seduction Gear" on the next page.) But don't be put off by the hipster chick's inherent aloofness. Lurking behind that cynical exterior still resides a woman who wants to be seduced.

Talk the Talk

Like denizens of most subcultures, hipsters converse using special terms to show they are in the know. In fact, unless you study up on basic hipster lingo, you might not know whether she's flirting with you or warning you about her murderously jealous boyfriend. (See the glossary of "Hipster Slang" on the next page.) Instead of trotting out a cheesily suggestive opening line, meet her gaze with a complacent stare. She'll assume that you're deep—or, better, that you're holding the best weed in the room. Refrain from saying "nice tattoo" as an icebreaker—a hipster chick doesn't mind if strangers see the body art creeping above her panty line, she just thinks it's boring to discuss it with them.

Once the conversation heats up, strive to be self-deprecating; hipster chicks may be the only female subculture on the planet that considers confidence an undesirable trait in a potential mate. Success is another turn-off: She'll consider it a sure sign that you've been co-opted by mainstream society. So instead of clumsily mentioning the size of your bank account, find a way to casually refer to the size of your import-only record collection, and watch her knees go weak. Hipsters are also repelled by Republicans—regardless of your politcal leanings, identify yourself as a Democrat, a Marxist or, at the least, a libertarian if you want to score.

Keep in mind that homophobia is a big taboo for hipsters. Bisexuality is not necessarily an attribute, but openness to experimentation is something to which all hipsters strive. Most hipster women have had a same-sex hookup. If you're looking for a ménage à trois, she'll need reassurance that you are open to experimentation—even if you aren't.

Hipsters in Heat

She's giving you all the right signals and now you want to invite her to your place. Never say, "Do you want to come inside for a nightcap?" unless it's clear you're being ironic. We recommend employing more-current persuaders such as, "Wanna smoke up?" or "Yo, you gotta check out my collection of obscure Belgium techno mastermixes on limited-edition vinyl." Take care to hide any Friends DVDs, framed Monet prints, aerosol deodorant and other "mainstream" accoutrements in your home that could turn her off. And now that she's within reach, don't blow it by playing cheesy seduction music like Barry White or Sade. And for god's sake don't play anything "atmospheric" like Songs of the Humpback Whale or Enya.

Keep in mind that most hipster chicks are used to hanging out with guys who wear Girl Scout T-shirts, so she may seem a little taken aback if you're too aggressive. Subtlety is the key at this crucial juncture. If she catches you popping Listerine breath strips, all your hard work could be in vain. And should you get a semi when she accepts your invitation, swing your messenger bag up front. It's hard to look hip with a boner.

Will she be worth your time and effort? YES! Hipster chicks aren't into free love like their historical precedent, the hippie chick, but with a little coaxing they can be just as adventurous. That's why we've saved the most important tidbit for last: Hipster chicks, despite their nonconformist trappings, all conform to the Law of Bohemianal:

A. Being bohemian implies a desire to experiment.

B. Hipster chicks want to be bohemian.

C. Not experimenting defies the very definition of bohemian.

D. Therefore, remind her about A – C and she will do anything you want.

Like what, you say?

Hipster chicks use the C word in bed and encourage you to do the same. Hipster chicks will do it on the fire escape while laughing at the neighbors yelling at you to keep it down. And she's willing to whip out her favorite sex toy in the name of kinky "performance art." So enjoy yourself. Just be sure to buy an extra pack of American Spirits for the bedside table and some PBR for the fridge. You may not be going anywhere for a while.

By Robert Lanham, Author of the Hipster Handbook

Hip & Famous

Hot Celebrity Hipster Chicks

Your Studio or Mine?

Hipster Pickup Lines

Yes Got any weed?

No Aren't you in my yoga class?

Yes Waddup with all the losers here?

No Have you accepted Jesus as your personal savior?

Yes I was a vegetarian before it was mainstream.

No Does your tongue piercing make things feel different?

Yes Didn't we meet at the WTO March?

No Who do you like more: Rumsfeld or Ashcroft?

Yes I was hanging out in this neighborhood before it got all gentrified.

No Wanna grab a starbucks sometime?

Hipster Slang

She has a way of talking. Now figure out what she's saying.

Bronson - beer > Usage: I had too many bronsons last night and woke up next to a sled dog.

Chipper - slut > Usage: Alicia is a chipper and will sleep with anyone after she's knocked back half a bronson.

Deck - a key word for most hipsters, similar in meaning to the antiquated fresh. To be deck is to be up on the latest trends, cutting edge and hip. > Usage: Mike's faux-hawk is deck.

Fin - the opposite of deck. Fin is similar to outdated terms like wack and lame. Something that is fin is seen as bad or undesirable. > Usage: Vin Diesel movies are fin.

Flavorless - heterosexual > Usage: I thought he was flavorless until I noticed his Belle and Sebastian T-shirt.

Flubber - breast implants > Usage: There's no way those things are real. They're so flubber they could deflect bullets.

Frado - an ugly guy who thinks he's good-looking > Usage: I'm going to go say hello to her. The guy she's with is a frado.

Grape - a greeting rapist, someone who cops a feel when saying hello with an embrace > Usage: Be sure to extend your hand as soon as he approaches you. That guy is a grape.

Juicer - a ladies' man, an individual with undeniable sex appeal > Usage: The ladies all think I'm a juicer in my Members Only jacket.

Kale - money > Usage: Yo, can I borrow some kale to buy a pack of American Spirits?

Maxwell - homosexual > Usage: He changed his name from Frank to Fabian. He must be a maxwell.

Nancy - ass > Usage: "Amy sure has a good head on her shoulders." "Maybe so, Mike, but have you seen her nancy?"

Ordain - having performed a sexual act with another >Usage: I saw you leave with the girl in the cowboy boots. Is she ordained?

Piece - cell phone > Usage: I must have been on the subway when you called. I didn't hear my piece ring.

Semi - partial erection > Usage: I hope I still have a job on Monday. When my boss hugged me goodbye at the bar on Friday night I had a semi.

Shellacked - drunk > Usage: You must have been shellacked, dude. You were dancing to Linkin Park at the club last night!

Hipsters on Parade

A field guide to common hipster types. Collect 'em all!