The Greatest Damn Sports Moments of the New Millenium

It was the best of times, it was the damnedest of times. It was Shaq and Kobe, Tiger and Lance, Chucky, Barry, A-Rod and the Unit. It was Venus and Serena dominating, George Bush choking, the Mets toking and a guy trying to walk from Los Angeles to Sydney.

It was 2000, 2001, 2002 and some of 2003--perhaps the greatest and certainly the shortest millennium of our time. But why wait another 97 years to put this century's best sports moments into perspective? Determined to beat everyone else to the punch, we huddled with the stars of Fox TV's Best Damn Sports Show, Period--Tom Arnold, Chris Rose, John Salley and Michael Irvin. Over drinks, dinner and stogies at a restaurant in Beverly Hills, we kicked around more than 100 ideas and finally came up with this definitive list. It may not settle every bet. It may not end any arguments. But it is definitely a damn list.

20 Bonds Bombs Away

October 5, 2001 Pacific Bell Park, San Francisco

Three years after beloved, bulky Mark McGwire set a new mark for home runs, widely despised bulky bad guy Barry Bonds knocks Big Mac out of the record book. Critics say Bonds might be on steroids as he pumps homers 71 and 72 out of Pac Bell Park on his way to a 73-homer season. John Salley: "Our show is for steroids. What I hate is Bonds's home run trot. We timed him--he took 33 seconds to go around the bases."

Chris Rose: "I got tingly when McGwire hit his 70th. That's what was missing with Bonds."

19 Tyson's Tat

February 22, 2003 Memphis

A new-look Mike Tyson preps for his fight with Clifford "the Black Rhino" Etienne by getting his face tattooed. "I didn't like the way my face was looking," explains Iron Mike, whose clawed spiral joins tats of Mao and Arthur Ashe on the former champ. Boxing authorities, doctors and even top skin artists debate the wisdom of getting a tattoo on one's face just before a heavyweight fight ("Something might happen that would damage the tattoo," says a leading tat man at the Skin Factor in Las Vegas).

Not to worry. Tyson tattoos Etienne with punches, dropping the ex-con with a pile-driving right hand 49 seconds into the first round.

18 Puckhead

February 22, 2000 NHL HQ, New York

Boston Bruins goon Marty McSorley's NHL career ends when he attacks the Canucks' Donald Brashear. After smashing Brashear--one of pro hockey's few black player--over the head with his stick and knocking him out, McSorley is suspended for the remainder of the season, which will be his last. Lucky fans were treated to heavy-rotation replays of Brashear's bloodied head bouncing on the ice.

17 Super Bowl XXXVI: It's Pats

February 3, 2002

The Superdome, New Orleans

Mariah Carey screeches the National Anthem, then the New England Patriots pull off one of the biggest Super Bowl upsets ever. The Pats were two-touchdown underdogs going into the game against the TD-machine St. Louis Rams (and 70--1 preseason long shots to win the Super Bowl). Could one-season phenom Tom Brady continue to buck the odds? Indeed he could. America held its breath as New England won 20-17 with no time left on the clock, thanks to a 48-yard field goal by Adam Vinatieri--a distant cousin of daredevil Evel Knievel.

Tom Arnold: "Mariah sang at the NBA All-Star game, too, and she was great! She sandwiched her craziness between two damn fine performances."

16 You Throw, Girl

July 30, 2002 Staples Center, Los Angeles

In a game against the Miami Sol, center Lisa Leslie of the Los Angeles Sparks throws down the first dunk in WNBA history. The moment makes highlight reels worldwide and makes the 6'5" Leslie--for one night--the most famous hoopster in LA.

Salley: "I was there with my daughters. They'll never forget it. They think she could dunk on Daddy."

14 Tour De Lance

July 28, 2002 Paris

Lance Armstrong, minus a testicle after beating cancer, trounces the world's best cyclists to win his fourth straight Tour de France. This summer he'll try to match the all-time high of five consecutive wins, but he has already passed Greg LeMond as the top American cyclist. Maybe Armstrong's winning battle against cancer did more than build character. His friend Robin Williams says Lance has an advantage: With only one ball, he is "more aerodynamic."

Rose: "He might be the best athlete of our time."

Arnold: "Who, Robin Williams? Get out!"

15 Kournikova Wins!

December 13, 2001 Cyberspace

Anna Kournikova becomes the top name for Internet searches, making the Russian tennis cutie one of the most hit-on women in the world. (In 2001 a virus cleverly dubbed AnnaKournikova.jpg threatened servers worldwide.) Kournikova has won zero tournaments since she turned pro in 1996, but her occasionally see-through tops have made her a cyber champ, far outstripping Martina Hingis--the star one site calls Anna's "fellow nipstress." That's only part of a busy off-court season for Anna: battling Penthouse magazine over bogus topless paparazzi photos, dealing with news reports that she had been secretly married to (and divorced from) Detroit Red Wings hockey star Sergei Fedorov and cavorting with lucky Enrique Iglesias on MTV.

13 Tonya Whups Paula

March 13, 2002 Fox TV studios, Los Angeles

If the title didn't grab you--Celebrity Boxing--then the promise of thirdtier luminaries mauling each other on Fox TV had an undeniable allure. And while there was a certain fascination in watching a paunchy Barry "Greg Brady" Williams getting knocked around by a pissed-off Danny Bonaduce, there was little question about the main event: trailer-park titan Tonya Harding versus alleged Bill Clinton pokee Paula Jones, who was in the ring only because Amy Fisher's parole board wouldn't let her box. Jones appears terrified from the opening bell. The sloppy, one-sided catfight mercifully ends when Harding wins a third-round TKO.

12 Dude, Where's my Mitt?

September 20, 2002

Shea Stadium, Queens, New York

Newsday reports that several New York Mets have been suspected of smoking pot during the season and runs a photo of pitcher Grant Roberts sucking on a bong in 1999. The brushfire began in June when pitcher Mark Corey was hospitalized after getting stoned with teammate Tony Tarasco near Shea Stadium. General manager Steve Phillips, whose alleged sexual harassment of an office worker in 1998 earned him the tabloid nickname "Sex-Flap GM," issues a statement saying that the Mets have no more potheads than do other organizations. Rose: "They didn't get the really good shit, so they finished last. Why didn't they just get in touch with Ron Darling and the other members of the '86 Mets?"

11 Remy on the Rocks

March 4, 2000 Off Catalina Island, Pacific Ocean

Alsatian knucklehead Remy Bricka, wearing pontoon skis, attempts to walk on water from Los Angeles to Sydney, Australia. His project sinks within sight of its start when a storm wrecks the catamaran where he planned to rest between hikes.

Irvin: "That is so white. Black folks never do shit like that. They get enough excitement trying to pay their bills."

Arnold: "When I was a kid there was a dude, wasted, who hooked a bunch of helium balloons to a lawn chair and rode it up into the clouds. Then he popped the balloons, one at a time, and came back down. True story."

10 Soccer'S new Bobblehead

November 25, 2001

Seville, Spain

After Jose Antonio Reyes of Seville scores a goal in Spanish soccer league action and is swarmed by happy teammates, another Seville player bends over and nibbles at Reyes' penis.

Rose: "That's how Mike Irvin used to celebrate his big games. Of course, he was the receiver."

Irvin: "Hey!"

Rose: "Remember when John Kruk was on our show? Kruk would have ordered seconds."

Arnold: "Is anybody else thinking of Brandi Chastain?"

8 Screw the Commish

March 11, 2003

LPGA HQ, Daytona Beach, Florida

Word leaks out of the LPGA, the ruling body of women's pro golf, that commissioner Ty Votaw has made novel use of his ruling body. Votaw admits he's been dating one of the tour's players, Swedish sweet swinger Sophie Gustafson.

Rose: "Here, Sophie, let me show you how to grip that club."

Irvin: "When I was with Dallas, we couldn't date the Cowboys cheerleaders. I'm not saying we didn't, but that was the rule. So we'd be quiet on the sideline, saying, 'That one? I did her. Her, too. Did that one. Yeah, did her....'"

6 The Music City Miracle

January 8, 2000

Adelphia Coliseum, Nashville

First round of the NFL playoffs, 0:16 on the clock. The Tennessee Titans are down 16-15 against the Buffalo Bills. The Titans' Kevin Dyson takes a lateral on a last-gasp kickoff return and streaks 75 yards for the game-winning touchdown in one of the best postseason games ever. It is the Titans' first kickoff return for a TD since 1988, when they were the Houston Oilers. Fans of the Bills still say the play was illegal.

9 Shaq Promotes Racial Harmony

June 28, 2002 Los Angeles

Clowning with his buddies on The Best Damn Sports Show, Period, Los Angeles Laker Shaquille O'Neal makes fun of 7'6" Houston Rockets center Yao Ming with a mock Chinese accent and goofy kung-fu moves. Later he instructs a reporter to "tell Yao Ming, 'ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-so.' " The Kazaam star seems genuinely surprised when his remarks are not well received by the international press. AsianWeek writer Irwin Tang, for one, delivers this dare: "Come on down to Chinatown, Shaq."

In their first meeting in Houston, the 296-pound Ming blocks Shaq's first three shots. Then, with help from online voters in his homeland ("the hordes of China," as sportscaster Brent Musburger calls them), Yao beats Shaq out and starts for the Western Conference in the 2003 All-Star game. In the end, though, the 7'1", 338-pound O'Neal muscles Yao out of the spotlight.

Their final stats: Shaq: 27.5 points per game, 742 rebounds, 159 blocks, 46 double-doubles. Yao: 13.5 ppg, 675 rebounds, 147 blocks, 27 double-doubles.

7 Ted Williams Chills Out

July 5, 2002 Alcor Life Extension Foundation, Scottsdale, Arizona

Baseball legend Ted Williams was considered by some to be a cold man. Then he died and things got really chilly. Immediately after his death, his son commandeers the body and has it frozen at -320 degrees, claiming it was his dad's longstanding wish. His son hopes future scientists will thaw out and repair the Splendid Splinter, but Williams' oldest daughter fights the move in court. She wants a father she can bury and remember, not a Popsicle.

Arnold: "Ted Williams was a war hero, a great American. I could see stuffing him and keeping him in the house, but freezing his ass--now that's sacrilege."

Mascot Madness

A Fleury of Punches

December 28, 2002

HP Pavilion, San Jose, CA

After getting ejected from a Sharks-Rangers game, New York's pint-size pepper-pot forward Theo Fleury does the logical thing and takes out his aggression on hapless San Jose mascot SJ Sharkie, snapping one of Sharkie's ribs.

Fish Story

July 20, 2000

Pro Player Stadium, Miami

Florida Marlins mascot Billy the Marlin gets sued when a fan claims he suffered eye damage after getting hit with a wadded-up T-shirt fired from a cannon. Billy wins in court, saying, "This is one small step for a fish and one giant leap for mascotkind."

No Tongue

January 20, 2003

Pengrowth Saddledome, Calgary, Alberta

Flames mascot Harvey the Hound, a 6'6" dog, hounds Edmonton Oilers coach Craig MacTavish until MacTavish leans over the glass, rips out Harvey's foot-long tongue and throws it into the crowd.

Rumble in Paradise

November 23, 2002

Aloha Stadium, Honolulu

College football fans flip out after Hawaii beats Cincinnati 20-19. Players, fans and cheerleaders fight, and the home team's Warrior mascot goes after Cincy's big Bearcat. A cop on the scene calls both sides "fucking ding-dongs."

5 A-Rod Scores $252 Million

December 11, 2000

The Ballpark at Arlington, Texas

Rangers owner Tom Hicks couldn't help himself. In a giving mood, Hicks signs free-agent shortstop Alex Rodriguez, Barry Bonds's main rival as the game's best player, to the richest contract in baseball history: 10 years for a quarter of a billion dollars, plus $2 million in folding money. That means that all by himself, A-Rod earns just $14 million less than the Oakland A's $39.7 million 2003 payroll.

In the end, Hicks gets his money's worth, sort of. Rodriguez hits 52 homers and drives in 135 runs--both career highs--but the pitch-poor Rangers finish last, 43 games behind the AL West champ Seattle Mariners. Salley: "A-Rod was worth every dime and you know it."

Irvin: "Come on. We're always saying guys shouldn't just go for the money, but that's what he did. A-Rod knew that team wasn't going to win, but he went for the money. We should have ripped him, but we gave him a pass."

4 Tiger Blows Chunks but not Lead

March 23, 2003

Bay Hill Invitational, Orlando, Florida

Sick with food poisoning (his Swede sexpot girlfriend served up a dodgy batch of pasta--certainly a romance killer and bogey producer), Tiger Woods ducks into the bushes at Arnold Palmer's course to heave. Repeatedly. On live television. Then he easily, queasily blows away the field, winning by 11 shots.

Irvin: "Golf used to be one of those white people things, but Tiger Woods makes guys like me watch, which is basically a miracle. Even when Tiger is getting really sick I still watch."

3 Super Bowl Xxxvii: Chucky'S Revenge

January 25, 2003

Qualcomm Stadium, San Diego

After Bill Parcells turns down an offer to coach the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, team owners decide there is only one true savior for their team: Jon "Chucky" Gruden, the scarily intense head coach of the Raiders. Opportunistic Oakland owner Al Davis takes full advantage of the situation, squeezing the Bucs for four draft picks and $8 million. But Gruden wins in the end, meeting his former team in the Big Game and dismantling them 48-21, making the Grinch-like Davis look greedy and wrong.

2 Rock 'EM Sock' EM Sox Fans

September 19, 2002

Comiskey Park, Chicago

A crazed father and son rush from the stands to attack Kansas City first base coach Tom Gamboa, only to be mobbed and roughed up by the Royals. The rumble sets the stage for a White Sox-Royals rematch this spring, when four fans charge the field. One of them, Eric Dybas, says he attacked an ump because he "wanted to get a rise out of the crowd."

Rose: "And where's this year's All-Star game? The same rowdy ballpark."

Arnold: "The Royals lost the fight. They hardly landed any good shots on that dad and his kid."

Rose: "Royals whiff royally."

Arnold: "The Royals were on crystal meth, giving the drunks the advantage."

1 Tackle that Pretzel

January 13, 2002

The White House, Washington, D.C.

Alone and watching a Ravens--Dolphins playoff game on TV, President George Bush chokes on a pretzel, passes out and hits his head on a table. Later, he is seen sporting a golfball-size welt on his left cheek. The incident immediately becomes latenight-TV fodder (Kilborn: "The Secret Service wrestled the pretzel to the ground") and an embarrassed Bush joins in, joking, "Mother, I should have listened to you: Always chew your pretzels before you swallow." But for a moment between Ray Lewis tackles, Dick Cheney is one Rold Gold from the presidency.