Vanity Vanyl

Top Five Albums by Sensitive Tough Guys

Lorne Greene,Welcome to the Ponderosa (1964). Pa Cartwright, who cut six albums, scored a hit with his mostly spoken ballad "Ringo." Performed with a "pure, naked virility" (in the words of Henry Mancini), it went to number one.

Richard Roundtree,The Man From Shaft (1972). Roundtree's voice is thin, but soul producer Eugene McDaniels saves most of the cuts. Best lyric: "I'm a private eye, with private plans/I'll make private love, with gentle hands."

Burt Reynolds,Ask Me What I Am (1974). Manly yet gentle love songs.

Telly Savalas,Telly 1974). The TV chrome dome admits in the liner notes that "singing is not my bag." His cover of the Beatles' "Something" sounds as if the something is on his shoulder and he's challenging you to knock it off.

Steven Seagal,

Songs From the Crystal Cave (2004). Moody vocals and wailing blues guitar from the ponytailed martial artist. Available only in France.

Two Tiny Dancers

Hervé Villechaize, "Why" (1980). Despite his fear of being infantilized (he often grew facial hair when Fantasy Island wasn't shooting), Villechaize agreed to contribute to an album called Children of the World. In a voice that falls somewhere between those of an ill child and a healthy Muppet, he asks the timeless question "Why...do...people...have to fight?" To his credit Villechaize seems ignorant of how odious the recording is, as evidenced by a TV appearance archived at treasurehiding.com/random/why.htm.

Gary Coleman, "The Outlaw and the Indian" (1987). This car crash of a rap single features Coleman and his advisor at the time, a Michael Jackson imitator named Dion Mial, who is "rapping with my latest squaw" in the feyest voice possible when Coleman interrupts, "Hey, Indian dude, don't cop a 'tude, don't start no feud!" Coleman maintains a bit of his dignity by not uttering "Whachu talkin' 'bout, Indian?"

Best Celebrity Album to Play during Sex

Marcel Marceau,The Best of Marcel Marceau (1970). Both sides are silent until the last minute, which is filled with applause. Make sure to put down the needle exactly 19 minutes before you bring it home, lest the clapping seem either premature or sarcastic.

11 Songs by Sexpots

Mae West, "Twist and Shout" (1966). The 73-year-old alternates between faking climax and singing with such vibrato she sounds like Miss Piggy.

Jayne Mansfield, "Suey" (1967). Mansfield coos gibberish over a guitar some believe is played by Jimi Hendrix.

Brigitte Bardot, "Comic Strip" (1968). This duet with troll-like French sex god Serge Gainsbourg has Bardot using comic-book sound effects that some hear as metaphors for orgasm—"Shebam! Pow! Blop! Wizz!" Others don't.

Andrea True, "More More More (Pt. 1)" (1976). When the former porn star asks, "How do you like it? How do you like it?" only a fool doesn't respond, "Quite a bit! Quite a bit!"

Phylicia Allen, "Josephine Superstar" (1978). Before becoming TV's Clair Huxtable, Allen was married to the cop from Village People and collaborated on a disco concept album about the life of Josephine Baker. It features the sexiest celebrity LP cover ever.

Samantha Fox, "Touch Me (I Want Your Body)" (1986). The British model hit number one in 15 countries and had the largest breasts of anyone who released a record in 1986, other than Barry White.

Kim Basinger, "The Crime" (1989). This call-and-response seduction between Basinger and Prince is the least sexy thing either has ever done.

Alyssa Milano, "Kimi Wa Sunshine Boy" (1989). The Who's the Boss? star cut five albums that were hits overseas. This song is special: It's in Japanglish.

Naomi Campbell,"Cool as Ice (Everybody Get Loose)" (1991). The short-tempered supermodel launched her musical career by singing a duet with Vanilla Ice. Costly error.

Princess Stephanie, "In the Closet" (1992). The Monaco royal's pop stardom peaked with a cameo on Michael Jackson's Dangerous. Sharing a song about being in the closet with Jacko—it's a fairy tale come true.

Paris Hilton, "Screwed" (2005?). A Miami club crowd booed Hilton as she lip-synched this single from her forthcoming debut album. But if the video is anything like her last one, thumbs up.

Most Outrageous Celebrity Album

Peter Wyngarde,Peter Wyngarde (1970). The star of the U.K. detective show Department S resisted efforts to capitalize on his fame until RCA gave him full artistic control. He then delivered what may be the most deliberately insane album ever recorded. The standout track is "Rape," on which Wyngarde reviews how rape is conducted around the world (Italy: "Oh, Madonna, you didn't offer, for that I'll have your daughter"; France: "Rape is hardly ever necessary"; U.S.: "American rape is full of hate"). "Hippie and the Skinhead" describes a confrontation between a gay flower child and a marauding skinhead, presented as a country-and-western nursery rhyme ("Billy was a queer, pilly, sexy hippy/He wore his gear frilly, hairy, zippy..."). The album sold briskly until the BBC banned it. RCA then pulled it from its catalog.

Top Three Albums from the Crew of the Starship Enterprise

Nichelle Nichols,Down to Earth (1968). It's the only album ever to include versions of both "The Lady Is a Tramp" and the Star Trek theme.

Leonard Nimoy,The Way I Feel (1968). This album is as hard to turn off as the early weeks of American Idol. Nimoy made about a dozen LPs altogether, each in his signature flat-and-shaky style.

William Shatner,The Transformed Man (1968). Shatner doesn't win too many accolades for best actor, but he's seldom challenged for the most acting award. That's especially true of this classic, with his melodramatic incantations of Dylan and Beatles lyrics. The best track combines the depressing "Spleen" ("Hope, like a bat fluttering blindly, beats his wings against the walls and dashes his head on the rotting ceiling") with a staccato delivery of "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds," in which Shatner appears to be under the influence of drugs he seems quite unfamiliar with ("Lucy! In! The! Sky! With diamooooOONDS!!!"). Last year Shatner cut an album, Has Been, with Ben Folds, that no one is making fun of—yet.

Worst Jock Albums

Cassius Clay,I Am the Greatest! (1963). The future Muhammad Ali's disc includes taunts ("I predict Mr. Liston's dismemberment/I'll hit him so hard he'll wonder where October and November went") and boasts ("This will be the best-selling album of all time!"). Sales were slower than expected.

Evel Knievel,Evel Speaks to the Kids (1974). After reciting his own poetry to music, Evel takes questions. When a young fan asks why one should always wear a helmet, the daredevil smacks him upside the head to demonstrate.

Carl Lewis,Modern Man (1987). Lewis's musical career ended in 1993 when his voice cracked while he sang the national anthem before an NBA game. His remains the only known version of "The Star-Spangled Banner" that includes a midsong apology.

Kobe Bryant,Visions (2000). On the track "Thug Poet," which features Nas and 50 Cent, Bryant cites automatic weapons, cocaine and federal agents as metaphors for his rhyming ability. The album was so bad, the record label decided not to officially release it.

Top Five Albums by U.S. Senators

John Kerry and The Electras,

The Electras (1961). Prior to shipping off to Vietnam, Kerry played bass in this rich-kid instrumental surf band. A copy of its lone LP sold for $2,551 on eBay.

Everett Dirksen,Gallant Men (1967). The "golden voice of the Senate" from Illinois won a Grammy for this collection of patriotic readings.

Sam Ervin Jr.,Senator Sam at Home (1973). The North Carolina senator followed up his important work as chairman of the Watergate Committee with renditions of "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and "If I Had a Hammer."

Robert Byrd,Mountain Fiddler (1978). The senator from West Virginia played at campaign stops but still won.

Orrin Hatch,Jesus' Love Is Like a River (1998). The Utah senator, who earns $20,000 a year in song royalties, says that anyone who illegally downloads more than three songs should have his computer destroyed.

Strangest Brews

Timothy Leary,Turn On, Tune In, Drop Out (1966). Leary pontificates in LSD-induced gibberish ("Our slimy protozoan fathers in moist cellular heaven, hallowed be thy tissue name ...") over psychedelic music.

Charles Manson,Lie: The Love and Terror Cult (1970). The Beach Boys recorded a song by the then unknown Manson on 20/20, but he couldn't land a contract of his own. Some theorize that he sent the Family to kill two producers who had rejected his work but that they targeted the wrong people. Manson released Lie to fund his defense.

Joe Pesci,Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just for You (1998). As a teen Pesci recorded an LP (concluded on page 161) Vanity Vinyl (continued from page 118) called Little Joe Sure Can Sing! A few years after My Cousin Vinny, he returned to the studio for this novelty, which includes a gangsta rap in which Pesci discusses whacking squealers and sodomy with a crack pipe.

Four Uninspiring Recordings

Inspired by a higher power

Tammy Faye Bakker,Building on the Rock (1975). This is one of several albums on which Bakker plays Susie Moppet, a pigtailed pig girl who explains in a shrill falsetto how smiling protects you from sin, which probably isn't true.

Louis Farrakhan, "Let Us Unite" (1984). In the 1950s the leader of the Nation of Islam was a calypso recording artist known as the Charmer. Smooth.

David Koresh,Voice of Fire (1994). Muddled guitar rock. According to Ko-resh's bass player, "it's very difficult being in a band with God's messenger."

Anton Lavey,Satan Takes a Holiday (1995). The elevator music in hell.

Three Best Celebrity

Albums of all time

Robert Mitchum,Calypso—Is Like So... (1957). Apparently the tough-guy actor hung tight with calypso musicians while filming a movie in Trinidad and returned to Hollywood ready to bring the West Indian vibe to the masses. Many ridicule this album, but it's one of the most entertaining calypso records of its day. Songs such as "Mama Look a Boo Boo" are a gas.

Shel Silverstein,Freakin at the Freakers Ball (1972). Famous for his kids' books and his work in Playboy, Silverstein was also a fine songwriter ("A Boy Named Sue"). The title track invokes a Utopia in which all the freaky people get off together: "White ones, black ones, yellow and red ones, necrophiliacs lookin' for dead ones.... Plaster casters castin' their plasters, masturbators baitin' their masters.... Freakin' at the freakers ball, y'all." It's one of the most beautiful sentiments ever expressed in song.

Divine,My First Album (1982). In America the hefty drag queen is best known for his work in such John Waters classics as Hairspray. But for a time in the 1980s Divine was one of the biggest names in dance music in Mexico and Europe. The driving "Native Love," the swelling "Shoot Your Shot" and the ridiculous "Jungle Jezebel" feature hypnotizing beats and bitchy, tough lyrics such as "You wimp, you wimp, hey who you calling a blimp?/I ain't your Aunt Jemima, and honey, you ain't my pimp!"

12 Worst celebrity albums

12 Richard Petty, Bobby Allison Et al., Nascar goes country

11 Kevin Bacon, getting there

10 Corey Feldman, still searching for soul

9 Robert Englund, Freddy's greatest hits

8 Carl Lewis, Modern Man

7 Fabio, Fabio after dark

6 Jeff Bridges, be here soon

5 Roger Clinton, nothing good comes easy

4 Don Johnson, heartbeat

3 Dustin Diamond, salty the pocketknife

2 Jim Belushi, 36-22-36

1 And the worst celebrity album of all time is ...

Eight albums by actors known for playing annoying TV characters

1 Sebastian Cabot, A dramatic reading with music (1967). In this hear-it-to-believe-it LP, family Affair's Mr. French reads Dylan lyrics in a variety of voices and moods.

2 Danny Bonaduce, Danny Bonaduce (1973). He supposedly had someone sing for him. If that's true, the fake Danny isn't making I a living hustling karaoke contests.

3 Donny Most, Donny Most (1976). Most (Ralph Malph on Happy Days) had better material when he played a satanic heavy-metal singer on a Halloween episode of CHiPs.

4 John Travolta, John Travolta (1976). Travolta's nonthespian voice is almost bubbly. His hit "Let Her In" might have inspired Michael Jackson's "She's out of My Life."

5 Billy Mumy, voobaha (1980). You remember him as Will Robinson on Lost in Space. The musical world knows him as half of Barnes & Barnes, a 1980s songwriting team I that produced such tunes as "I Had Sex With Pac-Man" and "Boogie Woogie Amputee."

6 Mr. T, Mr. T's commandments (1984). This album shows that despite his coaching from Ice-T (no relation), Mr. T as a rapper is a far better actor.

7 David Hasselhoff, Night Rocker (1984). Although his debut has a vivid cover (Hasselhoff looks like a gay kung fu assassin on the hood of his robot car) and a sublime title track ("I am the night rocker/I wanna rock you all night long/I am the night rocker/ I wanna love you in a song.... Let's fly away"), it has never been released in the United States.

8 Jamie-Lynn sigler, Here to Heaven (2001). Meadow of The Sopranos is not Italian but Jewish, Cuban and Greek, which was probably your second guess.

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