20Q: Ozzy Osbourne

Q1

[Q] Playboy: Which is the real Ozzy, the goofy dad on The Osbournes or the Prince of Darkness?

[A] Osbourne: The performer you see onstage is not the guy you see on The Osbournes. At home I'm just dad. I don't walk around my house in fucking stage clothes like so many fucking people do. I don't lip-synch like so many fucking people do. What you see on the TV show is the real me. That's not made up. I stopped doing the madman fucking rock-and-roll thing as the kids got older. You know the funny thing? When The Osbournes started, some people didn't even realize I was in a fucking rock-and-roll band.

Q2

[Q] Playboy: Have you ever felt pigeonholed as the crazy rock star who bites the head off bats?

[A] Osbourne: Yeah, but trying to get away from the Prince of Darkness is the hardest fucking thing. I'd like to sing songs that are mellower. I'd like to do an acoustic album. I don't want to be screaming when I'm fucking 60. But all the record company is interested in is my looking like a fucking madman with cherry juice running down my face and some fucking bat bullshit. They go, "Ozzy, are we gonna call your new album The Son of Fucking Death?"

Q3

[Q] Playboy: What's your biggest extravagance on tour?

[A] Osbourne: I fly around in a Learjet. I stay at the Peninsula Hotel. I have money. I have houses all over the world. I came from having nothing to living in Beverly Hills. I've got a house in Malibu, a bunch of houses in London, a farm in England. Sometimes it makes me go, Fuck, I am a lucky guy. With Black Sabbath and the bands I was in prior to Sabbath we took buses, and the longer the bus journey, the better. I was more interested in doing more drugs and drinking more booze and smoking more cigarettes. On long rides I could get more cocaine up my fucking nose or take another bottle of fucking Vicodin or Percodan. Now if I'm on a bus for more than an hour, I'm ready to fucking slash my wrists.

Q4

[Q] Playboy: What's your best quality as a father?

[A] Osbourne: Being there for them. When I was a practicing drug addict and alcoholic my wife became the mother and the father. Mine is the only job I can think of where the more fucked up you are when you show up for work, the more the audience goes, "Fuck, it's gonna be crazy!" But there's a downside to that after the show is over. Sharon held it all together. When we first met, she was as crazy as me, and as a matter of fact she used to drink as much, though she didn't do drugs. Then one day she said, "I can't (continued on page 155)Ozzy Osbourne(continued from page 109) do this anymore. I hate the way I feel." I thought, Okay, she'll stop for a few days, and she'll be back. But she never drank that way again. Me, I just couldn't stop. I've cleaned up my act a hell of a lot. I don't smoke. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I don't womanize.

Q5

[Q] Playboy: How many rehab facilities have you been in, and which are the best and the worst?

[A] Osbourne: I've lost count. When my ass was on fire, when I'd fuck someone up or go crazy and everyone was chasing me, and my wife had left home and the kids were screaming and I was never allowed into the house again, I'd check in. Betty Ford is a good one. And a place called Promises, in Malibu, which is like a fucking Hollywood camp resort for wealthy fucking lunatics. Hazelden, in Minnesota, is a really hard one. They do not fuck around. I checked out because it scared me. They use a thing there called tough love, where they're like, "You fucking piece of shit!" I was like, "I felt like a piece of shit before. That's why I'm paying you all this money. You don't need to tell me every day." Another bad one is a place called Steps that I think closed down. They modeled it after Auschwitz.

Q6

[Q] Playboy: How do normal patients react when there's a celebrity in rehab?

[A] Osbourne: There's no special room for you. You go into a group. My job is being a professional people pleaser, so I was always more about clowning around and making people laugh. I thought, If I make them laugh, they're not going to jump on me. As soon as they'd jump on me or get close to the real me, I'd back up and run out the fucking back door. To let someone know your deepest, darkest sides—to know how you really feel—takes time. Some people go in and drop their shield and get the program, but I could never understand that. I wouldn't learn a damn thing. I would go through the motions and be a good boy, and Sharon would be impressed and I'd get out. It wouldn't be long until I got fucking fucked up again.

Q7

[Q] Playboy: Did you hate having to make your own bed?

[A] Osbourne: I didn't give a fuck. It's what you do in there. Making the bed is just a physical act; it's whether you make the bed in your head that matters.

Q8

[Q] Playboy: In group therapy did people have a hard time understanding you?

[A] Osbourne: Yeah, because sometimes when I'm talking I speak faster and faster, so they'd go, "Can you slow down?" But the thing about slowing down, it's like doing a fucking prison sentence. Rehab was an expensive way to fucking waste time.

Q9

[Q] Playboy: What's the hardest part about being sober?

[A] Osbourne: Staying sober. I don't want to drink anymore, and I don't want to do drugs anymore. I have a traveling counselor with me now. He's fine-tuning a bit. People with addictive personalities have different thought patterns. In my head I'll go, My wife's late: She's had a car crash, she's dead, she's in a mortuary. She's like one minute late. I'll think, She's fucking run off with some other rock star. My head creates havoc—I can't fucking take pain in life anymore, so screw it. Now I'll just do some reading or writing or go to one of these group meetings. So far, so good, but I'm not gonna blow my trumpet too much. Mind you, this is the longest time in my life that I've been sober. Today is 17 months. It took me 20 years to get here.

Q10

[Q] Playboy: Jack and Kelly have both been in rehab. Does that make you feel like a failure as a parent?

[A] Osbourne: No, it was the best thing that happened in a lot of ways. It made me stop and think, Am I okay? Am I really okay? Jack's two years and five months clean and sober. I got fed up with being a fucking loser all the time. I don't really like to harp on it because once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.

Q11

[Q] Playboy: Were you flattered or insulted when you heard Colin Farrell may be playing you in the movie of your life?

[A] Osbourne: Who the fuck is Colin Farrell?

Q12

[Q] Playboy: He's a big star these days. Honest. But we've also heard Johnny Depp is interested in the role. What advice would you give them about playing you?

[A] Osbourne: I happen to think Johnny Depp is a fabulous actor. I just watched that pirate film, and he's got Keith Richards down to a fucking tee. He looks just like Keith Richards. If I were an actor and I were going to portray another guy who's still alive, I would do a lot of research on him and also with him. I'd find out what his childhood was like. I'd go back to where he lived and talk to people who knew him as a kid.

Q13

[Q] Playboy: What do you think of Horatio Sanz's impersonation of you?

[A] Osbourne: Horatio was on Sharon's talk show. He didn't know I was backstage. I went up to him and said, "So you're the fucker who does me." He was all embarrassed. I just sat and laughed at him. I get a kick out of it, but do I look that fat? They always have some big over-fucking-weight guy doing me. I'm not Chris Farley. I may be a bit chubby and have a bit of love handles, but that's about it.

Q14

[Q] Playboy: Do you own any jeans?

[A] Osbourne: Yeah, but the wife won't let me wear the fucking things.

Q15

[Q] Playboy: When's the last time you went to the Gap?

[A] Osbourne: No idea. I hate shopping with my wife. It's an ongoing battle. A couple of days ago she must have tried on a thousand pairs of shoes. I said, "Are you turning into a millipede? You've got more fucking shoes than an Army barracks." If you said, "Tattoo your eyeball or go shopping with your wife," I'd fucking stick the needle in my eye. I absolutely fucking hate shopping with my wife. If I want a black shirt, my wife has to go through every fucking black shirt— and every white shirt. I'm like, "Get me out of this fucking place." In Los Angeles when you go shopping, they go, "Oh, this would look nice on you." I go, "It's fucking pink! The Prince of Darkness has a pink fucking coat on?" I like the flamboyant look, but I don't think it goes with the fucking image. And how much is it, by the way? Only $22,000. And made by some fucking one-legged Japanese fucking designer.

Q16

[Q] Playboy: Having been married for so long, what kind of marital advice would you give to Britney Spears and Kevin Federline?

[A] Osbourne: It's a rocky road. I'm forever in pursuit of the person who wrote the words "And they both lived happily ever after." He must have been smoking some serious crack. It's not all happy. Some days we fucking don't talk. Some days we're like two kids. Some days we're fucking not even on the same planet. But you get on with it, you know? I did a good job of fucking up my first marriage through drugs and alcohol and thinking I was king of the fucking universe.

Q17

[Q] Playboy: How many brushes with death have you had?

[A] Osbourne: Every day from the age of 19 to about 55. I didn't go for a drink, I went to get fucking smashed. At the height of my drug addiction Sharon would get on all the doctors and say, "I don't give a fuck if he comes into your office with his legs hanging off. Do not give him any narcotics." I'd take half a pint of pure codeine and honestly think, I'm fucking dying. I couldn't breathe. That's what happens when you overdose on codeine or opiates. You get respiratory failure and you stop breathing. I'd be sweating like a pig all night, but I'd get through it. I overdosed every day. I was hospitalized a few times. I've done some monumentally fucking dumb things. I've set my bed on fire more times than I haven't. I used to pass out all the time with a cigarette in my hand.

Q18

[Q] Playboy: Have you gotten back on an ATV since your near-fatal accident?

[A] Osbourne: No. I will never, ever ride another motorcycle as long as I live.

Q19

[Q] Playboy: Do you believe in the afterlife? Heaven? Hell?

[A] Osbourne: I don't know. Nobody's ever come back and said, "Hey, it's pretty cool up there" or "You know, it's fucking hotter than fucking shit down there. You've got to shovel coal." I don't think I believe in that stuff. It's for people with morals. People have asked me, "Did you see the light?" I saw a light, but I think it was just my coming out of my coma. I believe there's a higher power. I believe in a power greater than myself that's fucking way more powerful than me—the ocean, the world, the universe.

Q20

[Q] Playboy: What do you want your funeral to be like?

[A] Osbourne: When I do go I don't want there to be morbid fucking crying people. I want people to celebrate my life. Get me in the ground as soon as you can. You can cry all you want, but I ain't coming back. I don't think there are any fucking return tickets.