The Year in Sex

A Million Trees Died For This?

Wars, bombings, natural disasters, Breaking Bonaduce--the apocalypse is obviously nigh. But nothing could deter the media from carpet-bombing us with Brad, Jennifer and Angelina. Mrs. Pitt coined an instant classic for the angry-girl lexicon when she told Vanity Fair that Brad has "a sensitivity chip missing." (Why the toilet? Supposedly Brad's taste for modern fixtures drove the couple apart. Kudos to Star for flushing out the details.)

Colin All Girls

Playmate Nicole Narain (1) and actor Colin Farrell (2) had reason to regret his camcorder bug (3) when a video of them shagging (4) almost made it to market. He stopped its distribution, blaming her; she retorted, "I don't want it out there any more than Colin does." The Irish rover also reportedly struck out with 71-year-old actress Eileen Atkins (5), who called his pass "the best birthday present," and he was twice sued by serial accuser Dessarae Bradford (6), who charged him with sexual harassment via text message. The first case was tossed; the second is pending.

Exhibitionists at Pictures

During a heat wave, officials at Vienna's normally staid Leopold Museum granted nude or barely clad viewers free admission to its Naked Truth exhibition of early-1900s erotic art.

Shoe Fetish

Proceeds from sales of the coffee-table book 4 Inches, featuring celebs (here Kate Moss, on book cover, and Rachel Hunter, above) in Jimmy Choo shoes and Cartier jewels, period, go to the Elton John AIDS Foundation.

Burnt Sienna

Fiancée Sienna Miller freaked when Jude Law copped to corner-pocketing nanny Daisy Wright (inset) on a pool table. A month later, frontal nude paparazzi photos of Law drew snickers about the size of his cue stick. But he did win a "best butt" poll. We say the glass is one-third full.

Breast Defense

When critics ragged John McCain for his cameo in the R-rated Wedding Crashers (which features a topless Jane Seymour), the senator had a snappy retort.

Hot Beef Objection

Conservatives were irked by a commercial in which ubiquitous celebrity heiress Paris Hilton washed a car, ate a $6 burger and contributed her "That's hot" catchphrase.

A Fashion trend more women should get behind

Paulina Rubio (right) and Margo Stilley (far right) bare their buns at the MTV Video Music Awards Latin America and a MAC cosmetics launch in London, respectively. We'll give you $5 if you can land this grape between Margo's cheeks.

Showcase Show-off

Producers of the Australian version of The Price Is Right sacked Samantha Steele after racy pictures of her surfaced on the Internet. There is a God: She got better job offers, and the show tanked.

Moons Over Mezzanine

Shutterbug Spencer Tunick is at it again, this time filling the Stad-schouwburg Theater in Bruges, Belgium with volunteers' bare behinds.

No Huevos, José

Local feminists condemned this racy ad meant to discourage Mexican men from gobbling an endangered sea creature's eggs, believed by some to boost virility. (Translation: "My man doesn't need turtle eggs because he knows they don't make him more potent.")

Careful, Tilts Easily

Artists Ed and Nancy Kienholz dreamed up this more interactive Playboy pinball machine, exhibited at London's Haunch of Venison gallery.

Go Greyhound and Leave the Wedding to us

After a costly nationwide search for her, Jennifer Wilbanks claimed she had been kidnapped and raped. Turns out the runaway bride had just hopped a bus to Vegas. She's doing community service; the groom's still waiting.

Ms. Carey goes to Washington

Adult filmdom's Mary Carey, on attending the GOP's President's Dinner: "Republicans can party almost as much as porn stars. There were some really drunk guys. I was getting propositions to have three-somes with wives or mistresses."

Desperate Housewife

"The best sex I've had all year was probably with my vibrator."--Eva Longoria to Rolling Stone

"I bought my first vibrator three years ago. It's a shame I didn't discover it sooner."--Eva Longoria to Self

"I got like a hundred vibrators sent to me."--Eva Longoria to Conan O'Brien

"Will you please stop saying 'vibrator'?"--ABC to Eva Longoria

Streaky Fridays

To "bring a smile to people's faces," Andrea Hall streaked for peace on three consecutive Fridays down Manchester, U.K.'s busy Tib Street.

Damn Shame

The case of the disappearing boobies: at far left, Lindsay Lohan on New Year's Eve 2004 in Manhattan; at left, six months later in Hollywood.

Steppin' out with our Baby

Playmate Kelly Monaco and partner Alec Mazo won ABC's Dancing With the Stars final amid complaints that the fix was in because Kelly is a star on the network. In a rematch, John O'Hurley and Charlotte Jorgensen edged them out by a slim one percent of audience votes. Now it's Kelly's fans who are fuming.

The Year in Sex

Truth in Advertising

The toy chain pressured a strip club to change this billboard to Vaginas are us.

Do you Feel Lucky, Punk?

A blend of sex, love and rock and roll, MTV's Meet the Barkers follows Playmate (and former Miss USA) Shanna Moakler and her husband, Blink-182's Travis Barker. Among the couple's misadventures: being turned away from restaurants because of Travis's extreme tattoos.

And Tonight's Dress Code is...

Nudists socialize at the bar before their monthly "clothing optional" dinner at a Manhattan restaurant. There's one requirement Diners must bring something--a towel, a scarf--on which to sit.

Dive in and Think of England

Channel 4 had to censor this hot tub threesome among Big Brother 6 contestants Orlaith, Anthony and Makosi. Makosi claimed (but later denied) that Anthony had impregnated her underwater.

Gamy Game

Parents who seemed blasé about murder and hooliganism in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas objected when a downloadable patch revealed embedded sex scenes. The game was pulled from most mainstream retailers.

Sex: Still Selling

Mexican feminists notwithstanding, consumers remain keen on this tried-and-true advertising principle, seen here boosting demand for Diesel boots and Obsession scents.

Down: Sexy Statuary

So many Parisians rubbed the tumescent likeness of 19th century journalist Victor Noir that officials at Père Lachaise Cemetery had to fence it off. In Wellington, Florida, sculptor Norman Gitzen was ordered to leave the nipples off the jug-tastic mermaid he created for the village.

Up: Cat-Houses

The former Mustang Ranch reopened under a new name, World Famous Brothel, at a new location near Reno. The Moonlite Bunny Ranch, near Carson City, offered free sex to lraq war veterans and half-off nookie for other military personnel.

A Year in the life of Pamela Anderson

Whew! Pam published a semi-autobiographical novel (1); was groped by comedian Andy Dick (2), herself (3) and ex-husband Tommy Lee (4) during a top-rated Comedy Central Roast; reunited with former flame Kid Rock (5); held a wedding for her dogs, where ex-beau Kelly Slater was a guest (6); dated actor Stephen Dorff (7) and posed for an exhibit by photographer Sante D'Orazio (8). Oh yeah, there was also Stacked, a TV series, but we ran out of space.

Colossal Errors in Judgment

Clueless on career day: At a Palo Alto junior high, management consultant William Fried told eighth-grade girls that stripping could be lucrative, pointing out that a woman could make up to $250,000 a year, depending on her bust size. Royally screwed: Monaco's Prince Albert fessed up to fathering a child with former Air France flight attendant Nicole Coste, and he thinks there may be more out there. But he's not sure. The changing priesthood: Monsignor Eugene Clark of New York's St. Patrick's Cathedral resigned after being videotaped entering a motel with his secretary--and exiting hours later wearing different clothes. More fun with Catholics: What were Taiwanese anti-AIDS activists thinking when they devised ads showing a nun holding a condom? "Although I don't need one, even I know," says the sis. Outrage ensued, and the campaign was swiftly aborted.

What Lies Beneath

Fred takes Wilma Dino-style: Archaeologists in Germany found what may be the oldest example of hard-core pornography: a set of 7,200-year-old clay figurines that seems to depict a man penetrating a woman from behind. Eternal beauty: In Australia, scientist and landfill diver Fabiano Ximenes determined that magazines with glossy photos are more resistant to decay than other printed material. As proof he produced a mint-condition 1979 Playboy.

This Year's Science

More interested in cheating on diets: Fat men are more faithful. A German study says 23 percent of men of normal weight admit they are interested in having an affair; just 11 percent of tubbers are. A real turn-on: In its first major test, the Orgasmatron device increased sexual stimulation in 91 percent of female volunteers. The electronic gizmo is implanted in the buttocks. Candy is dandy: Italian researchers found that women who eat chocolate daily experience higher sexual arousal and are more sexually satisfied. What are you doing in there, curing cancer?: Researchers found that 20-something men who ejaculate more than five times a week can cut their chances of getting prostate cancer by one third. They also said that self-love may be better than real sex because infection is not a risk. Findings met with (cautious) beard-stroking: Men who don't shave every day have less sex and are 70 percent more likely to suffer a stroke than daily shavers, says the U.K.'s University of Bristol.

Crimes of Passion

Cheapskate: In Oceanside, California Marcus Threats was accused of attempted rape but claimed he thought his victim was a prostitute whom he planned to pay for sex. Police doubted his story when they found he had just $1 on him. Not smart: Michigander Timothy Huffman was found guilty of indecent exposure for "Dick Smart," a skit on public-access television that featured a joke-telling penis. Huffman protested that Schindler's List contains nudity. The response: "You're no Steven Spielberg." Panty raider: "Knicker thief" Andrew Stephan has been banned from Britain's Isles of Scilly for seven years for stealing women's undies from their homes. Stephan was busted when a cache of panties turned up in his estranged wife's house. Not your average PTA: Nashville mom Anette Pharris faced criminal charges for hiring a stripper for her 16-year-old son's birthday party. Her real mistake was taking photos to be developed at a nearby drugstore, where employees turned her in. Timing is everything: In Brazil, armed bandits robbed a postal vehicle of more than 400 breast implants during winter school holidays, when most women schedule enhancement surgery to pump up before beach season.

Ms. Carey Goes to Washington

Sexual Animals

Easy, big girl: One-and-a-half-ton 53-year-old Bullette, Europe's oldest hippo, has been put on the pill to curb her robust sexual appetite. Such tight tuxedos: Bremerhaven, Germany zoo officials figured out that their copulating penguins weren't producing offspring because they were in same-sex relationships. Gay and lesbian activists protested the importation of sexy female birds from Sweden. Just report her to HR: Genius gorilla Koko has a thing for breasts; three female employees insulted by a translator who said Koko requested to "see nipples" have sued the Gorilla Foundation for sexual discrimination.

Fade to White

Pink Cheeks, a Sherman Oaks, California salon, offers body waxing and bleaching--including lightening butt holes from brown to pink.

Sensitivity chip Missing

Fidelity chip Missing

In Washington, I work with boobs every day.

That's hot.

That's sort of hot.

That's hot off the barbie.

Matrimonial chip Missing

That's lambada hot.

That's hands-on hot.

That's hot-182.

V chip Missing

Blimey, that's hot.

That's hot and wet.

PC chip Missing

Memory chip Missing

Chastity chip Missing

Breast Exam

You've been studying these things all year

A. Sophie Marceau

B. Bijou Phillips

C. Sharon Stone

D. Anna Nicole Smith

E. Tara Reid

F. Sadie Frost

Getting Juggy

In 2005 ladies had much to say about their girls:

"I thought my boobs looked good. At least I had that going for me."--Cameron Diaz, in court over unauthorized photos

"I screamed and slammed on the brakes. It's very strange to see my cleavage the size of a brontosaurus."--Scarlett Johansson, on seeing her image on an L.A. billboard

"I'd kill for a body like Scarlett Johansson's. I don't have breasts. I have pecs."

--Keira Knightley

"Mine are definitely real. I feel they make my outfits look better. They're like an accessory." --Jessica Simpson

"It was a sad day when I had to retire the bra to the underwear drawer. I don't get to keep the C cup."--Renée Zellweger, on slimming down after the Bridget Jones sequel

"When it's cold and you're shooting outside in a T-shirt, things arise. Apparently they've spent, like, thousands of dollars digitally removing my nipples from the show."--Teri Hatcher of Desperate Housewives