A Deadwood Christmas
Big al Swearengen:
Chestnuts roasting on the fucking fire Jack Frost, that cocksucker, nipping at your motherfucking nose....
An Owen Wilson--Vince Vaughn Christmas
Wilson: 'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even--
Vaughn: Let me ask you: Ever live in a house where the mice weren't working overnight? I mean, if you're a mouse, nighttime is the right time, right, baby?
Wilson: The point is that it was quiet.
Vaughn: Just get back to the poem.
Wilson: And Mama in her kerchief, and I in my cap--
Vaughn: I've never been into the kerchief look, myself. I mean, what chick thinks she looks good with her hair tied up in some kind of cowboy scarf?
Wilson: I kind of dig the kerchief look. It's the whole peasant thing, y'know? Doctor Zhivago?
Vaughn: It makes me think of girls with big haunches.
Wilson: Naw, man--it's, like, girls with wispy blonde hair, and you can be, like, lord of the manor, rolling around in a haystack. You know--milkmaids!
Vaughn: The poem? Please?
Wilson: When out on the roof--
Vaughn: Yeah, just skip it.
Wilson: Tore open the shutter--
Vaughn: Move on!
Wilson: The moon on the breast--
Vaughn: Get to the good stuff!
Wilson: When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer--
Vaughn: How tiny?
Wilson: You're ruining this. Just accept that the reindeer are tiny, okay?
Vaughn: But Santa himself is this fat guy. How does that work?
Wilson: It's Christmas magic.
Vaughn: Let me tell you about Christmas magic. Christmas 1978. I made my parents swear to get me the Han Solo action figure. Who'd I get? That fucking Skywalker. There's your magic.
Wilson: You asked the wrong guy.
Vaughn: Who's the right guy? Will Ferrell in Elf?
Wilson: Eyes--how they twinkled? Dimples how merry? Round jelly belly?
Vaughn: Now I get you. All right, go ahead and finish the poem.
Wilson: Happy Christmas to all, and to all--hey, are you and Aniston engaged yet?
An Ann Coulter Christmas
Tv Interviewer: Is Christmas fair toward conservatives?
Coulter: Well, Matt, of all the liberal schlock that makes me sick during the Christmas season, it's the incessant airing of A Christmas Carol that's the worst. It's a story about a self-made man who achieves independent wealth and is then guilted into using it to support welfare babies. The proverbial straw that breaks Scrooge's back is of course a lame, simpering child, Tiny Tim. But you can't respond to Tiny Tim. That is the point of liberal infallibility. Let me ask you--why doesn't Bob Cratchit open a private health-savings account?
A Mel Gilson Hanukkah
Mel Gibson: Jingle bells, bingle jells I'm almost out of booze Oh what fun, a DUI I blame it on the Jews.
A Saddam Hussein Christmas
To: Faithful servant Ahmed
Re: Xmas thank-yous
Ahmed, The following friends (and enemies of my enemies) must be thanked for their thoughtful holiday remembrances. Please instruct my unrepentant Ba'ath Party loyalists to compose a few notes on my behalf. Use official palace stationery, if any can be located.
Bashar al-Assad: I'm Totally Syria's mug
Osama: Afghan (Feels like regifting, but the guy is living in a cave.)
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:101 Bushisms book (hilarious!)
Tom Cruise: L. Ron Hubbard library (I'm interested but not sure I can do it from a secret Iraqi prison. Pls. ask him for more info.)
Kim Jong II: Taepodong silo boxer shorts (too small, but a good gift)
Fidel Castro: Cigars (Probably from Raúl; he's the thoughtful one.)
Taliban: Festive tin of caramel-, cheese- and plain-flavored heroin
Death to America, S.H.
