The Year in Sex

All the desire, debauchery, silliness and shenanigans we

NUDE CELEBRITIES

For more than half a century, playboy has featured nude celebrities in its pages, starting with Marilyn Monroe in the first issue. Now it seems everybody is getting into

This>

is a great idea! J

our act. Check out (1) Sports Illustrated's swimsuit issue, in which Molly Sims and others traded bikinis for body paint and bejeweled dental floss; (2) Vanity Fair, with designer Tom Ford, Scar­lett Johansson and Keira Knightley on the cover and Angelina Jolie inside— where VF editor Graydon Carter promised not to "toy with Ms. Jolie's butt crack;" (3) Vibe, starrina Janet Jackson: (4) Bazaar, with a oreaao Britnev

I

Spears; (5) W, featuring Kate Moss as Marilyn: (6) Allure's layout of Jaime Pressly, Elizabeth Perkins and other famous ladies au naturel; (7) British Esquire, with ,Heidi Klum in gloves and little else; n which—in another MM tribute guilera had nothing on but the i rere blushing—you know rhat they say about imitation and flattery.

SEX SELLS THE STRANGEST THINGS, PART ONE

They're betting that if you want to be the razor, maybe you'll buy it. But what are we really looking at—a Brobdingnagian Schick or a Lilliputian chick?

ANOTHER BLOW FOR BLAIR

In case he needs another line of work, beleaguered British PM Tony Blair t _. practices his technique on a lung-f ^ function test.

1

SEX

could stuff into seven hot pages. Settle down, Congressman Foley

SO MUCH FOR ARTISTIC LICENSE

This poster—three world leaders "having an orgy while everything around them col­lapses "—didn't amuse Austrian authorities, who took it down before an EL) meet.

THE COURSE OF TRUE TV LOVE NEVER DID RUN SMOOTH

As if one were needed, here's a reason not to put your mar­riage on TV: imminent divorce. Carmen and Dave, Jessica and Nick, Shanna and Tra­vis—they all split in 2006. Luckily, perhaps, Family \ Jewels stars Gene Simmons and 1982 PMOY Shannon Tweed never tied the knot.

Why didn't you tell me it is so

THE Y

IN SEX

BURLESQUE'S

CHEEKY

COMEBACK

i Dita Von Teese took her niche ' nostalgia main-) stream with a book of pho­tos and a slew of public per­formances— including one at a Paris fete for Hef's 80th birthday.

(BAD CALL In Aloha, Oregon 1 lonely Lorna Du-dash dialed 911 to reconnect with a cute sheriff's dep­uty who had visit-I ed her house on a _ I noise complaint.

.___I He returned but

j only to bust her

for misusing the emer­gency system.

HABEAS CORPUS

Former L.A. gumshoe and current felon Anthony Pellicano has been im­plicated in all kinds of improper behavior, including running an illegal background check on Linda Doucett of The Larry Sanders Show. Here's a foreground check we ran on Linda in 1993.

I said it,

and I'm

sorry.

DRY RUN

Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi swore off sex before the election—and lost anyway. Reports didn't say whether the vow earned or cost him the vote of his wife, actress Veronica Lario.

RED CARPET BOMBER

On El's pre-Golden Globes coverage, designer Isaac Mizrahi terrorized celebs, asking Eva Lon-goria how she groomed her pubic hair; Queen Latifah. Jessica Alba and Keira Knightley if they were wearing any underwear; and a purseless Natalie Portman where she'd carry a cell

card or condom if any were nec­essary. Just when it seemed he couldn't get more taste­less, he groped Scarlett Johans-son's boobs, claiming he was checking her gown's construction.

Why

didnt you tell me it

was illegal?

INSTANT MESSAGES FROM A BOTTLE?

Florida representative Mark Foley gave the GOP leadership fits when he abruptly quit his seat after steamy e-mails and IMs he'd sent to teenage male pages unexpectedly surfaced. A spokes­person offered a buffet of explanations for the congressman's impro­prieties that included (a) alcohol, (b) abuse by a clergyman as a child and (c) Foley's homosexuality.

FROM KAZAKHSTAN WITH BULGE

On the beach at Cannes, "Kazakhstani journalist" Borat (a.k.a. Sacha Baron Cohen) wore a shoulder-mounted Speedo that reminded us—and yet didn't—of the skimpy gym attire sported by Miss November 1984 Roberta Vasquez.

This'

isnt a

great

idea!

HOT PANTS

Oil heir and Paris pal Brandon Davis called Lindsay Lohan a "fire crotch." Citing our Redheads book. Lohan preferred to put it thusly: "Redheads are more sexual than girls with other hair colors."

HOW ABOUT THEM APPLES?

To raise money for their church youth group, German evangelicals created an erotic biblical cal­endar. Meet Mr. and Mrs. October, Adam and Eve.

EAR IN SEX

HOT TREND: BODY PAINTING

It was a clever cover story for playboy nearlv 40 years aao (1). but in 2006

body painting was everywhere. Among the publicly pigmented: (2) models at the World Cup; (3) a New Zealand pol who vowed to run naked if his party lost, which it did; (4) human canvases at an art event in Belgium; and (5) another World Cup fan. .---------~. A

Hey, guys,

size does

matter!

SIN A'

OLD ONE-EYE

A new Ava Gardner biogra- I—-phy has her saying 19 of husband Sinatra's 119 pounds were cock, but a recent Sinatra book claims, oddly, that she said, There's only 10 pounds of Frank, but there's 110 pounds of cock."

BUBBLIES

These squeez­able Shower Breasts will dis­pense shampoo, lotion, beer— whatever you're into. Guaranteed to prolong bach­elorhood, from boysstuff.co.uk.

WHO SAYS SCANDALS RUIN YOUR REP?

Those 2005 tabloid photos of Kate Moss seemingly doing blow threatened to derail her —i career, but by 2006 her image was ubiquitous in ad campaigns and glossy mags.

AND SHE THOUGHT BOBBY BROWN WAS A HANDFUL

A book by Kola Boof, purportedly Osama bin Laden's former mis­tress, alleges the Al Qaeda chief lusts after Whitney Houston.

PETER PAINTER

In other body-painting news, Aussie Tim "Pricasso" Patch makes art with his penis—but

admits "there's a limit to ho.. long one can paint for."

DROP THE PIPE, KID

A study in the journal Pedi­atrics reports that teens who listen to lyrics depicting horny males have more sex.

STRAIGHT FLASH

Even losers were winners at the World Strip Poker Cham­pionship, held in London.

YOU CAN'T SEE THIS ON TELEVISION!

The Girls Next Door returned to the E! network; fans frustrated by the occa­sional pixelations saw more of Holly, Bridget and Kendra on the uncensored

season one DVD.

HERE COMES THE SUN

The Heather Mills-Paul McCartney divorce turned uglier when The Sun ran photos from a sex manual she made for a German publisher in the 1980s.

THE YEAR IN SE

PENIS PUMPS: DOING SWELL

BRISTOW, OKLAHOMA— Ex-judge Donald Thompson got a four-year prison sentence for expos­ing himself and using a penis pump during trials. His court reporter was distracted by the swooshing sounds issuing from the bench.... CHICAGO— When a female airport security agent at O'Hare questioned Mardin Amin about an unusual object in his backpack, he allegedly told her it was a bomb. He didn't want his mother, who was travel­ing with him to Turkey, to know it was a penis pump.... BRATISLAVA, SLOVA­KIA—After a driver crashed into a bus at an intersection, police found him uncon­scious with head injuries, his pants off and a pump attached to his penis.

NET BALLS

Dutch DJ

r Sander - Lantinga made an unusually acrobatic Wimbledon streaker. Maria Sharapova, who was in the middle of her match with Elena Demen-tieva. turned

her back. "I didn't want to look at all the details," she explained.

NUKED DICK

A Pittsburgh convenience-store em­ployee freaked out when he thought he'd microwaved someone's severed penis. Turns out it was a dildo filled with urine that a job applicant was warming to body temperature for a drug test.

LUSTING AFTER INANIMATE OBJECTS:

FOR THE ** BIRDS -*

MUNSTER, GERMANY—A lovesick swan has fallen for a swan-shaped paddle-boat five times its size. Perhaps it read Eve Bunting's

children's book Swan in Love, which has a similar plot.... GLOUCESTERSHIRE, U.K.—In the Forest of Dean a peacock named Mr. R has devoted the past three years to romancing a gas pump from 6:30 a.m. to 10 p.m. daily. Neighbors are upset over his raucous mating calls.

SEX SELLS THE STRANGEST

THINGS, PART THREE

It's downright amazing what can happen when one is wearing the right brand of sneakers.

TUBES TIED

Italian sex­ologist Seren-ella Salomoni found that cou­ples who have

a TV set in their bedroom make love half as often as those who don't.

ANIMAL LOVERS: DIDDLING ON THE HOOF

ENUMCLAW. WASHINGTON—Kenneth Pinyan died from internal injuries after having sex with a horse. No charges of animal cruelty were filed because there was no evidence of injury to the horse.... MALAKAL, SUDAN—A gentle­man named Tombe, caught flagrante delicto with a goat, was forced by vil­lage elders to marry the animal—and pay its owner a dowry.

BITS AND PIECES: WORTH HOLDING ON TO

KUALA LUMPUR. MALAYSIA—A man

severed his penis to prove his faithfulness to his wife. He was reportedly recovering after being rushed to the hospi­tal for reattachment surgery.... VALALTA, CROATIA—When Mario Visnjic took a naked dip in the cool sea, his tes­ticles naturally shrank. Afterward, he sat in a wooden chair to bask in the sun. Unfortunately, his testicles slipped through the slats, then returned to normal size, trapping him. Rescuers ended up saw­ing the chair in half.

POLYGAMY: QUAN-TITY-OF-WIFE ISSUE

Viewers loved the fictional suburban harem on HBO's hit series Big Love, but in real life, polygamy didn't fare so well. In Nevada the FBI finally caught up with most-wanted fugitive sect leader Warren Jeffs, estimated to have more than 40 wives.

AH, THE ROMANCE OF TRAIN TRAVEL

This sign greets passengers

on the platform at Penrith, U.K. New marketing tool for Amtrak?

NO BUSINESS FOR SEX BUSINESS

German entrepreneurs, hoping to score some euros during World Cup matches, opened impressive brothels. Unfortunately for them, few customers showed up. "Football and beer go well together," a Cologne police spokes-

man observed. "Football and prostitution are apparently not as great a com­bination."

ACRONYM OF THE YEAR

The U.K.'s Na­tional Health Service has set up a counseling organization for teens, the Sexu-

al Health Action Group, or SHAG. "We've talked about changing the name," said one NHS official, "but it describes what we do so well."

SHE HAS A WAY WITH CORKS

Natalie Oliveros, a.k.a. porn star Savanna Samson, has become a vintner. Wine critic Robert Parker gave her 2004 Sogno Uno a rating of 91.