Funny hats, flaccid balloons, and Mayor Daley's finger

LACCID BALLOON

m ^* and * *v\

WHENEVER THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE GATHER IN AN ENCLOSED SPACE, SOME SILLINESS IS BOUND TO ENSUE. WHEN

THOSE THOUSANDS ARE POLITICIANS, THE SILLINESS INCREASES EXPONENTIALLY. WITH THIS YEAR'S POLITICAL

CONVENTIONS ALMOST UPON US, HERE'S A REVIEW OF PREVIOUS HIGHLIGHTS-OR, RATHER, LOWLIGHTS.

1. Complete Chicago mayor Richard Daley's statement after the riots outside the 1968 Demo­cratic National Convention: "The policeman isn't there to create disorder. The policeman is there to____"

© create order out of chaos.

0 beat the shit out

of people.

Q preserve disorder.

2. At the 1988 GOP convention, what did Dan Quayle say was "the real

question" of the upcoming Bush-Dukakis contest?

© "Whether this is going to be the country of the pledge of allegiance or the United States of—of Williehortonland!"

Q "Whether we're going to go forward to tomorrow or past to the—to the back!" © "Whether we're going to have a short gloomy president or a—a tall giddy one!"

3. What omen presaged the candidacies of Jimmy Carter in 1980 and John Kerry in 2004?

© Each found a dead squirrel in his suitcase.

© Each was stricken with an intestinal flu on the eve of his acceptance speech.

© Each was victimized by an impotent balloon trickle follow­ing his acceptance speech.

4. Complete this statement by a Republican Party official explaining why U.S. treasurer Katherine Ortega was chosen to deliver the keynote speech at

the 1984 convention: "Ortega wasn't chosen because she's a woman. She was chosen because__________"

© she's not a man.

0 she's unbelievably knowledgeable about the economy.

©she's a Hispanic.

. How did Jimmy Carter refer to former VP Hubert Horatio Humphrey at the 1980 Democratic convention?

© "Hubert Horatio Alger."

0 "Hubert Horatio Hornblower."

Q "Humbert Humbert."

¦?6. Which Republican told NBC's Maria Shriver,

"We are America. These other people are not America"?

O Culture warrior Pat Buchanan at the 1992 convention. 0 Party chairman Richard Bond in 1992. © Nominee Bob Dole in 1996.

. In which state did George McCovern's 1972 acceptance speech run live in prime time?

O New York. ©California. Q Hawaii.

'8. What bizarre promise did Walter Mondale make in accepting the 1984 Democratic nomination?

© To reinstate the draft.

0 To raise taxes.

0 To appoint Jesse Jackson ^^M

ambassador to Israel. j

9. Who gave a

big hug from behind

to an extremely

uncomfortable-looking

Richard Nixon at

the 1972 Republican j

convention in Miami? I

© Sammy Davis Jr. © Charlton Heston. © Elvis Presley.

did Mayor Daley shout to Connecticut senator jam Ribicoff as Ribicoff decried the police tactics ide the 1968 Democratic convention?

A "I resent your insinuendoes!" i "Fuck you, you Jew son of a bitch. You lousy mother­fucker! Co home!"

C "What are you going to do when your house is being robbed? Call a hippie?"

11. What was the big story of the 1980 GOP convention in Detroit?

0 Ronald Reagan tried to persuade former president Gerald

Ford to be his running mate.

0 George Bush sulked when he thought he'd been passed

over for the vice presidential nomination.

© No delegates were murdered.

12. At the 1968 GOP convention in Miami, what did Richard Nixon say would differentiate his campaign from his losing 1960 effort?

© "This time we're going to win."

© "This time I'm going to shave before the debates."

© "This time my running mate is going to be a bribe-taking cretin."

13. What did Ronald Reagan's supporters do when it became clear he had lost the 1976

Republican nomination?

© On a signal from the podium, they took off their Reagan

buttons and put on Ford buttons.

© They walked out of the convention in protest.

0 They blew on long plastic horns, making horrible cowlike

noises for three quarters of an hour.

14. What happened mere hours before Bill Clinton accepted the nomination % at the 1996 Democratic convention in Chicago?

\

© He and Hillary got into a fight that ended when she threw a cup at him and narrowly missed his nose. O His chief advisor, Dick Morris, resigned after his relationship with a prostitute was revealed. © He got a blow job from Monica Lewinsky.

1988 Democratic convention, future Texas governor .ichards famously referred to George H.W. Bush as having i "born with a silver foot in his mouth." How did Texas agriculture commissioner Jim Hightower describe him?

A "A toothache of a man."

B "Every woman's first husband."

C "The father of the Beast."

16. How did Barry Coldwater explain his choice of party chairman William Miller as his running mate at the 1964 Republican convention in San Francisco?

© "He's the most qualified man I could find."

(¦) "He seemed to really want it.'

© "He bugs [Lyndon] Johnson."

17. What did Lyndon Johnson say to Hubert Humphrey before announcing him to the 1964 Democratic convention in Atlantic City as his running mate?

© "Miller bugs me. You deal with him."

© "If you didn't know you were going to be vice

president a month ago, maybe you're too damn

dumb to have the office."

Q "Just you remember, I've got your balls in my pocket,

so don't make me crush 'em."

18. Which first-lady-to-be tripped and fell while go­ing to her seat at the 1980 Republican convention?

© Barbara Bush. © Laura Bush. 0 Nancy Reagan.

19. What event shared the banner headlines announcing the 1984 nomination of Walter Mondale?

© The discovery of a polyp in Ronald Reagan's intestine. 0 The death of a famous proponent of the health benefits of running, caused by a heart attack he suffered while jogging. © The slaughter of 21 people in a San Diego McDonald's.

20. At the 2000 Republican convention in Philadelphia, who marveled at the absurd spectacle of the crowd "rooting for the goof-off son of the fired boss to get the big job"?

Maureen Dowd. Jon Stewart. John McCain.

21. At the 1964 Repub­lican convention, what epithet did a rabid female Goldwater supporter shout at the recently divorced and remarried governor Nelson Rockefeller?

© "You lousy loser!" 0 "You lousy liberal!" © "You lousy lover!"

22. What insults did Gore Vidal and William F. Buckley Jr. exchange

while covering the 1968 Democratic convention on ABC?

O "Crypto Nazi" and "queer."

Q "Sesquipedalian fascist" and "flaming faggot."

© "Stinkpot" and "pooh-pooh head."

23. What faux pas did Ronald

Reagan commit at the 1988 Republican convention?

O He meant to say

"Facts are stubborn things,"

but it came out "Facts are

stupid things."

Q Barbara Bush, he said

near an open mike, "looks

more like George's mother

than his wife."

Q Referring to George Bush's

declaration "Read my lips!

No new taxes," he told ABC's

Sam Donaldson, "It's kind of funny because George barely has any lips."

24. After his official nomination in 1988, how did an exuberant Michael Dukakis react?

© He bounded around the room, kissing and hugging all in sight. Q He pumped his fist and shouted, "Yes!" 0 He waved away a glass of champagne.

Vhat did Dukakis do after the 1988 1 Democratic convention ended? M_

""" He squandered his surge in popularity by taking a long vacation and failing to respond to vicious attacks. ^ He began searching for a tank to ride around in. He went windsurfing.

26. What did Richard Nixon reminisce about in his 1968 acceptance speech?

O Breaking into his law school dean's office to find out his grades.

0 Driving Pat to and from her dates with other men. Q Hearing distant trains from his childhood bed.

27. Whose criticism of Senator Zell Miller's rabidly anti-Democratic speech at the 2004 GOP convention in New York prompted Miller to tell his critic, "I wish we lived in the day where you could challenge a person to a duel"?

A MSNBC's KL -B MSNBCs Chris, •C CNN's Judy Wr

28. At the 1968 Democratic convention, which reporter who was forcibly removed by security personnel signed off by saying he was "somewhere in custody"?

© Dan Rather.

©John Chancellor. 0 Mike Wallace.

29. What did Nancy Reagan say was her husband's criterion for picking his 1980 running mate?

O "Anyone but that simpering

Bush fellow."

0 "The one who can eat the most

jelly beans."

© "Someone who's already been

president and vice president but

was elected to neither post."

- 30. At the 1988 Republican convention, a newspaper reporter asked George W. Bush, "When you're not talking about politics, what do you and your father talk about?" What did he answer?

© "Baseball."

0 "Well, sometimes it's about getting his friends to bail

me out of another business fiasco, and sometimes it's about

what a sadistic little prick I am."

0 "Pussy."

NSWERS:

1. (c), 2. (b), 3. (c), 4. (c), 5. (b), 6. (b), 7. (c), 8. (b), 9. (a), 10. (b), 11. (a), 12. (a), 13. (c), 14. (b), 15. (a), 16. (c), 17. (b), 18. (c), 19. (c), 20. (a), 21. (c), 22. (a), 23. (a), 24. (c), 25. (a), 26. (c), 27. (b), 28. (b), 29. (b), 30. (c).