Chelsea Handler

E!'S SEXY TALK-SHOW QUEEN MOUTHS OFF ABOU I I I i K WORST GUEST, TELLS HOW TABLOIDS POLLUTE HER MIND, EXPLAINS WHY SHE SAYS "COSLOPUS" INSTEAD OF "VAGINA" AND REVEALS THE UGLY SIDE OF SEX WITH A REDHEAD

Ql

PLAYBOY: Judging by the title of your latest book-Are You There. Vodka? It's Me. Chel-seo-we know your liquor of choice. Why is vodka a superior form of alcohol? HANDLER: Vodka is great because it doesn't have an odor. If you drink rum or tequila, your breath will have a very distinct alcohol smell. I was looking for something a little more sub­tle because I don't like to smell like a pros­titute in the morning. Not that I'm worried about offending anybody. I'm usually alone when I wake up. You can't fit two people into a bathtub. Yeah, that's right, I'm a class act all the way. Klassy with a capital k.

Q2

PLAYBOY: You sound like our kind of girl. HANDLER: I drink often and I drink fre­quently, but I don't really get drunk. I'm kind of immune to it. As long as you can handle your alcohol, you should be allowed to drink whatever you want, as often as you want. If you drink a certain amount and automatically turn into a loud, obnox­ious loser, maybe you should stop. Because that's not attractive.

Q3

PLAYBOY: Your talk show, Chelsea Lately. is devoted to making fun of celebrities. Do you really care that much about Hol­lywood, or is it just an act? HANDLER: It isn't natural at all for me. Sometimes it's fun, and sometimes it's overkill. But because of Chelsea Lately I have to pollute my mind with that crap. It's one thing to thumb through Us Weekly while you're getting a manicure-that's just a guilty pleasure-but it's a whole different ball game when you come to your office every morning and all these tabloid maga­zines are piled on your desk, and it's your job to read them. I just went on vacation and was reading Salman Rushdie's Mid­night's Children, and I said to my boyfriend. "I think my mind is completely blown from doing the show. I just had to reread the last paragraph four times. I may be getting stupider." And he said, "I'm sure you are, because you just used the word stupider."

PLAYBOY: If every young Hollywood celeb­rity sobered up. stopped going to night-

clubs and started wearing panties, would you be out of work?

HANDLER: I think I'd be okay. Even if Holly­wood disappeared tomorrow, it's not as if the human race would become better behaved. If anything, we're devolving as a society and a culture. As long as people keep acting like people and keep doing really, really idiotic things, I'll always have job security.

PLAYBOY: You once said all celebrities need to be slapped. Do you include yourself in that lineup?

HANDLER: I didn't mean all celebrities need to be slapped, just certain celebrities. Many people working in this industry are. for one reason or another, asking for it. But there are also plenty of respectable, hardworking actors who are just doing their job. I'll never make fun of Amy Adams, for instance, or Cwyneth Pal-trow. They just do what they do and aren't making a spectacle of themselves. It's not like I'm going to ridicule somebody just because they're famous and I have a TV show and I need somebody (continued on page 130)

HANDLER

(continued from page 105) to joke about. Some people deserve it, and others don't.

Q6

PLAYBOY: As someone who has repeatedly mocked Paris Hilton and Britney Spears, do you have to be extra careful when you're out in public?

HANDLER: Absolutely. If I don't want to put on underwear because I'm wearing a dress and don't want you to see the panty lines, I don't have a choice. I have to wear under­wear. If I get caught not wearing underwear, after I've made fun of all these girls who flash their hot pocket for the camera, then I'm the asshole. So at least for the time being I own a lot of panties. If necessary, I'll wear three or four pairs at once just to be safe.

Q7

playboy: If you were ever to get caught in a public scandal, what do you predict it would be?

handler: I'd guess a sex tape with some­body controversial, like Verne Troyer or Clay Aiken. I'm not making an announce­ment or anything; I don't know either of them yet, so I can't even hint at when our sex tape will come out. But if I have my drudiers, it'll happen very soon.

Q8

PLAYBOY: You've interviewed a lot of C-list celebrities and reality-TV stars. Are you genuinely interested in what they have to say, or is it as grueling to talk with them as it usually appears?

handler: It's mostly grueling. Tila Tequila was probably our worst. I had to talk with her for only a few minutes, but I must have dozed off at least a couple of times. She's as vapid as it gets.

PLAYBOY: When you were interviewing Lindsay Lohan's dad about camel balls, was there a moment when you thought, I should' ve gone to college? handler: No, not really. Not because of his

camel balls, which are a real problem, but because I definitely shouldn't have gone to college. That would have been a waste of everybody's time and money. And by not going to college, I've become so paranoid and insecure that I've overcompensated for it. Sometimes I'll be talking with my family and something far more sophisticated and intelligent than they ever expected from me will just come flying out of my mouth. They'll say, "Wait a minute—how do you know where Ghana is?" I'll be like, "Because I'm paranoid that somebody would ask me and I wouldn't have an answer." That's how my brain works. I don't want to look dumb, so I'm ready for anything.

Q10

PLAYBOY: In your books and stand-up, you portray yourself as a goofy screw-up. Are you the most embarrassing one in your family? HANDLER: Probably. But my parents gave me a run for my money. My father is a used-car dealer who rarely sells the cars he buys. So they would sit in our driveway for years at a time, next to piles of old car bat­teries and flat tires. He'd say, "Oh. these are great cars." I'd tell him, "Dad, there are no windshield wipers, and the passenger-side door doesn't open. I'm not letting you pick me up from Hebrew school when I have to climb over you." He was the perfect role model of what not to do as a parent.

on

playboy One of your first breaks as a comic was a starring role on the hidden-camera show Girls Behaving Badly. Do you miss playing pranks on innocent people? handler: Oh, I still play pranks. They're just not filmed anymore. Right now I have some of the Chelsea Lately writers believing I was offered the part of Meryl Streep's daughter in the Challenger movie, a dark comedy about the space shuttle that went down in 1986. Meryl plays Christa McAu-liffe in heaven and I'm her daughter, and it's a comedy. I don't know how to break it to them that the movie doesn't exist. I kind of thought they'd figure it out on their own. I mean, come on, a comedy about the space shuttle Challenger} Really?

Q12

PLAYBOY: Sometimes when you do a mono­logue on Chelsea Lately you have a peculiar physical stance—your Fists on your hips and your elbows pointed out—that looks a bit like a Wonder Woman pose. Is that intentional?

HANDLER: It's entirely intentional. I just assume I'm a superhero, and I think most people are starting to come around. One time when Jay Leno gave me a ride in his plane—because he has his own plane and I don't—I challenged him to an arm-wrestling contest, and I won. Then he said, "Let's do that again, because there's no way you beat me." So I arm wrestled him for a second time, and I won again. Then he realized I am She-Ra, Princess of Power. Don't bother confirming any of that with Jay. I doubt he would admit to it since I made the whole thing up and he doesn't even know about it.

Q13

PLAYBOY: Is it true you were invited to the White House Correspondents' dinner? If so, did you say anything wildly inappropri­ate to the president?

handler: it was pretty boring. A few weeks before, I went to a cocktail party and Colin Powell was there, because those are the kinds of circles I run in. At some point the Pussycat Dolls were performing, and I noticed Powell, who was sitting at a table right next to me, was taking a picture of them with his iPhone. So I took a picture of Colin Powell taking a picture of the Pussy­cat Dolls. Because of that I will probably never be invited back.

Q14

PLAYBOY: You're one of those rare female comics who understand the inherent hilarity of farts. When you're in a skit that has you passing gas, do you perform your own stunts?

HANDLER: On Chelsea Lately die farts are just a special effect. I'd love it if I were able to fart on cue, but that's a lot more difficult than it looks. I've tried, but I just don't have the muscle control. I think we've all been in a situation when you're talking to somebody and you think, I really wish I could fart right now, just to show what I think of you and this entire conversation.

Q15

playboy: You've come up with your own sexual language, creating euphemisms like hot pocket and shadoobie and peekachoo. Is that out of necessity, or do you just think most sex vernacular isn't inventive enough? HANDLER: The E! Network lets us get away with pretty much whatever we want, so it's not because we're being censored. They'll bleep us if we go too far. But I like words like peekachoo and shadoobie because they let you talk about filthy things without being obvious. I think it's more creative. Usually, when I first use a word, I'll point in the general direction of what it means or at least use it in a very specific context. After that the audience is on their own. They'll figure it out eventually. If they don't, well, maybe they should be watch­ing Animal Planet instead.

Q16

playboy: What's your personal favorite slang term for the vagina? HANDLER: Coslopus is my favorite right now. That's what my parents and brothers and sisters used to call it when we were growing up. A penis was a batchookie and a vagina was a coslopus. My broth­ers laughed so much when I started say­ing "coslopus" and "batchookie" on TV. They said, "I can't believe you've intro­duced our family words to the country." That makes me so happy.

Q17

PLAYBOY: In your memoir, My Horizontal Life, you write, "The great thing about sleeping with a midget is that first you get to have sex with them and then you can use them as a pillow." What are some other great reasons to sleep with a midget?

HANDLER: Okay, first of all, you have to stop using the M word. They don't like m-i-d-g-e-t. They're "nuggets." 1 per­sonally enjoy nuggets because they can get to those hard-to-reach places—and I don't mean just sexually. If you've lost something in your apartment and you can't reach it, invite over a nugget. Also, they can double as a bowling ball. When you're holding a nugget, it's like a little koala clinging to its mommy.

Q18

PLAYBOY: You have a sidekick named Chuy, pronounced "Chewie," whom you affec­tionately call your Little Nugget. Was he hired because he's a little person, or is it just a lucky coincidence that he's height-challenged?

HANDLER: When I got the Chelsea Lately show I told the producers I needed a per­sonal assistant. Because they know I have an affinity for nuggets, they brought in Chuy for a job interview. I hire people predominantly based on their shape and height. If you're fat and meaty and short in stature, you're in. I like things I can hold onto. I like things I can snuggle with. I know some people consider that sexual harassment, but I think sexual harassment can be a good thing if everybody in the workplace is on board with it.

Q19

playboy: Aside from not being a nugget, what are some odier reasons you wouldn't find a man attractive? What are your turnoffs? handler: I don't particularly care for san­dals. That is never a good look, especially if a guy has those double-decker toes. I just don't like jacked-up feet. And I will never sleep with a redhead. I dated a redhead once, and that was the last time. It was blinding. I literally had to go to bed with sunglasses. You wake up in the morning and it looks like he's got a clown in a leg lock.

Q20

playboy: You're 33, and your boyfriend, Ted Harbert—who runs E!, the Style Net­work and G4—is 20 years older. What's the appeal of a silver fox? handler: Older men know how to take care of a woman, whereas younger guys usually need you to take care of them. With Ted I never have to do anything. If we're going out to dinner, he makes the reservations. If we're going on a vacation, he has everything planned out. I realize that's not true with all older men; it's just a personality type. But I think older men have more experience with women and know what we need. They know that if we're being a bitch and we're in a bad mood, the only rational thing to do is just leave us alone. It's never a good idea to nudge and nudge and ask annoying questions like "What's wrong, babe?" An older man realizes, Okay, this will pass. I just need to stay out of her way.

Read the 21st question at playboy.com/21q.