The Playboy Advisor

I'm a moron when it comes to reading women's signals, so I must turn to you. Here are some of the behaviors the woman I'm seeing has been exhibiting: She (a) says waiting for me on the day I'm flying in will make it the longest day of her life, (b) gets upset when she hears about women I've had sex with, (c) is so affectionate that we've spent the day in bed tightly wrapped up in each other because she didn't want to get up even to use the bathroom and (d) constantly wants to hold my hand or put her arm around my shoulders or waist, even when we're sitting on the sofa. Is there any expla­nation for all this other than her being in love with me?—P.K., Silver Spring, Maryland

If it's love, it's puppy love—or a future restraining order.

Before I die I would like to play golf in every U.S. state and on every continent, excluding Ant­arctica because I assume it has no courses. Or am I wrong?—D.W., Minneapolis, Minnesota

There are no courses, at least not yet. Extreme golfer Heinrich du Preez hopes to construct one later this year and become the first person to have played a round on ei>ery continent. (In 2008, over five days, he played a course on each of the others.) "Officials in Chile [which claims part of Antarc­tica] are careful not to allow anything to disturb the ecosystem, so it has taken me two years to get permits," says the South African. "First I will attempt to break the world record for the lon­gest drive—currently 658 meters—on the blue-ice runways at McMurdo weather station. Then, using a PGA-approved course as a model, a team of greens keepers and I will construct a six-kilometer course. To minimize any damage, each hole will consist only of a tee box and hole. My permits expire in November, so I have a few months to plan." You can read more about Du Preez, who is currently attempting to play 500 courses within a year, at www.radicalgolf.co.7n.

In January a reader wrote to ask about "emotional affairs"—that is, intimate relationships outside marriage that don't involve sex. Here's a twist: I am con­vinced my husband of 15 years has fallen in love with a co-worker. He admits to being emotionally involved but denies any sexual attraction and says our marriage is too important to him to screw around. However, he continues to see this woman in professional and social situations. Although I am incredibly jealous, during sex I find myself fantasizing about them together. I have always had a healthier

I am a waitress at a restaurant that ofFers a spanking with a wooden paddle to anyone who buys a shot. I hit them hard; I had one guy confess that he peed his pants. Before I swing I warn them, "This is going to hurt," and I never force anyone to take a hit. But do I risk hitting the scrotum if I aim too low? Should I make them sign a waiver? Does their allowing me to paddle them mean they like S&M? Some men are obvi­ously into it, but are all of them? By the way, I enjoy it very much.—M.R., Las Vegas, Nevada

Of course you do. It's possible to hit the scrotum with a low blow, but regardless, we would dial it down a notch, especially with first-time bottoms who have no idea what's coming and so can't properly give consent. If a customer remains unfulfilled, offer to give a bonus smack.

libido than my husband, but for the past six months he can't seem to get enough. Do you think he is imagining the same thing?—L.M., Cincinnati, Ohio

Are you sure they aren't sleeping together? Your husband could be bumping up the sex at home to keep you from becoming suspicious. He may not have been sexually attracted to his co-worker initially, but emotional inti­macy can spur physical appeal. That's why a husband can still find his wife attractive (and vice versa) even as our once-taut bodies start to betray us. Your fantasy of watching your spouse with someone else is normal—many

men have the same thought. Per­haps his professed commitment to the marriage calmed your fear of rejection (i.e., the jealousy). Once reassured, you are able to explore the taboo. In the interest of an honest and open relationship, we suggest you share this xrilh your husband, and together you can sort it out.

The letter about emotional af­fairs struck a chord. I recently learned my wife has been cheat­ing on me. The sex doesn't bother me all that much, but I have had trouble with his being there for her emotionally. I'm happy to say we have worked through it. And I'd like to say to the asshole—you know who you are—that our love for each other is stronger than what you thought you had.—T.D., Salinas, California So in a way, you owe him one.

Have you heard of a woman having multiple climaxes while giving a blow job? It's not unusu­al for me to climax 20 to 30 times during foreplay, but 1 find it strange to experience multiples just from blowing my new boy­friend, who turns me on like no other man I have ever been with. Maybe I've lived a sheltered life, but is this typical, or have I hit the chemistry jackpot?—F.H., Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

The fact that you think you've hit the jackpot is part of his jackpot. It's atypical but not surprising, given the 20 to 30 orgasms you 're already hav­ing. Do you two ever leave the house?

Why is it legal for auto insurance companies to charge young males higher premiums than young fe­males? They can't discriminate based on race, so why are they allowed to based on age?—A.K., San Francisco, California

Although it's impossible to argue that skin color makes someone a good or bad drii'er, you can make that case for testosterone, and men have far more of it. Studies have found that at every aee, men drive more miles aiul

have proportionally more accidents, presum­ably because we're more aggressive and take more risks behind the wheel. Insurers charge young men higher rales as a result. However, older males and females are charged equal fees, which some argue leaivs adult women paying more than they should. That's why the National Organization for Women has for decades been lobbying for a "cents-for-mile" option. Instead of being billed a flat rate, you would purchase blocks of insured miles (e.g., 2,000 miles for $80). When you're low, you buy more. Rates are still set according to where you live, the type of car and the driver's age, explains Patrick Butler

of NOW's Insurance Project, but not gender. Texas is the first and so far only state to allow insurance to be sold this way (see milemeter .com). Progressive is testing a similar approach by adjusting rates based on data collected by a device voluntarily installed on the insured vehicle to record distance, speed and how often and how hard the brakes are applied.

When 1 started dating, in the 1980s, all the women I slept with had natural breasts and pubic hair. Nowadays many seem to have fake boobs and shaved vul­vas. When you're dating someone, how soon is it okay to ask about her pubic area and breasts? I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to find out when we're getting undressed, since I'm turned offby bald vulvas.—B.C., Fullerton, California

Unless you 're cou rting escorts, it's always too soon. Sadly, you can usually tell immediately if a woman has fake tits, because so many of them are botched. But if you "casually" ask a date if her bush is intact, you'll likely never find out.

I am 62 with a 47-year-old girlfriend. She has two grown children and doesn't want any more kids. We need birth control, but she won't take die pill. Condoms are no fun, and neither of us wants to have sur­gery. Trolling around the Internet, I came across a mediod that involves applying ultrasound to the testicles. Ten minutes supposedly provides six months of steril­ity. Although everyone seems to agree it works, there are conflicting accounts of where it stands in the FDA approval pro­cess. I have a chiropractor buddy who has an ultrasound he's happy to use on me. All he needs is a frequency setting. How do I proceed?—D.M., Fort Collins, Colorado

With great caution. During the 1970s Dr. Mostafa Fahim of the University of Missouri used ultrasound to temporarily sterilize dogs, cats, monkeys and eight human male volun­teers. He reported that, using a standard-size transducer, the ideal setting is a frequency of one megahertz and a power of one watt per square centimeter. If that doesn't work, you can name the child after your chiropractor. Fertility returns gradually, so if you're willing to make your­self a guinea pig, Elaine Lissner of the Male Contraception Information Project (newmale conlraception.org) suggests using a home sperm test or microscope to regularly check your status. It would also he xvise to use backup contracep­tion, at least initially. Don't expect this technol­ogy to be on the market anytime soon; it has yet to undergo the long-tenn clinical trials necessary for FDA approval, and a number of questions are still unanswered, such as how many times a man can safely be zapped. It would be much easier to get a vasectomy—despite our quip in February about swollen balls, these days a no-scalpel procedure takes less than 10 minutes and has few, if any, side effects.

My girlfriend has me doing my part to save the earth: We use compact fluores­cent lightbulbs, I weatherproofed the win­dows, and we recycle and reuse. Is there such a thing as "green" sex toys? I thought

it would be funny to surprise her.—L.R., Portland, Oregon

If sustainability turns her on, a number of sex-toy stores, including EarthErotics.com and Babeland.com, offer n<erythingfrom phthalate-free vibrators to organic lubes to a seven-inch flogger made from recycled bicycle inner tubes. Rechargeable vibes keep batteries out of land­fills. And VibratorShopping.com accepts clean used sex toys for recycling (see recycleyoursex toy.com), offering a $10 gift card in return. We support energy efficiency by giving every woman we arouse more than one orgasm.

I am 30 but recently had a five-day sex marathon with a 50-year-old man. He has an amazing body, and he's creative. He also has a weird but erotic obsession with my armpits: He fucked my pit from be­hind while I blew him, and it was a total turn-on for me as well. I guess I don't have a question but would like to advise younger women not to rule out 50-year-olds; don't think they won't deliver the same quality and quantity. The one I found rocks.—B.M., San Diego, California

Thank you for those encouraging words, especially if you're not actually a 50-year-old guy with an armpit fetish.

I'm looking to buy an HDTV. The sales­person is pushing hard to sell me a $250 calibration. What would that do other than adjust basic settings like brightness, color and tint?—K.C., Euless, Texas

You can hire a pro if you're a stickler for detail (see imagingscience.com for a referral), but most people can get this done on their own. New HDTVs are typically calibrated to stand out in a showroom, not your home. Most tele­visions have preset modes, such as standard, dynamic/vivid (the likely setting out of the box), sports and movie. You can choose one of those or tweak further. First, lower the brightness, or black level, until black is black without dark­ening details. Do the same with the white level (contrast or picture) until you have crisp edges, usually at about 50 percent. Color, or satura­tion, is more subjective; you likely won't have to change this much. Finally, if sharpness is too high, you'll see halos around the edges of objects. You can usually turn the sharpness to zero when watching DVDs.

Regarding the December letter from the reader who suffers from paruresis and can't urinate when anyone is nearby: I am one of those guys who have lost jobs and relationships because of a shy blad­der. Then I discovered a simple cure: Hold your breath. I can now pee in rest-rooms no matter how crowded they are. I hope this helps other men who are strug­gling.—J.G., Chicago, Illinois

With practice, this technique can get the job done. In 2001 psychologist Monroe Weil reported that it had worked for three of his patients; he hypothesizes that increased CO^ levels in the blood lead to relaxation of the sphincter muscle that inhibits urination. Before you attempt this, practice in a comfortable setting until you can hold your breath calmly for 45 seconds, which is

typically how long it will take the stream to start. Don't take a big gidp of air—breathe normally, then exliale about 75 percent of your breath.

IVIy wife and I sometimes role-play in bed. Although my scenarios vary (cheer­leader, nurse, maid), she always asks me to pretend I'm a rapist. At first I found this funny, but it's starting to disturb me. Is it possible some women want to be raped?—Q.R, Overland Park, Kansas

No woman wants to be raped. This common fantasy is better described as forceful sex or being "taken, "since the woman always remains in control. That is, if your wife asks you to stop (choose a safe word other than "no" or "stop" for this purpose, since her protests may be part of the game), the scene ends. As you've found, it can be difficult to play the perpetrator role. But if you want your wife to be more creative, you can lead by example. Instead of cheerleader, nurse or maid, how about scheduling her for a dental checkup, a job interview (the economy is terrible, people are desperate), a real estate showing or a calibration of your HDTV?

A reader wrote in January asking how to prevent ingrown hairs on his neck. I am surprised you didn't mention a straight razor, which is what solved the problem for me.—O.C., Gatineau, Quebec

Thanks for noting that—our response could have been sharper.

Three years ago my wealthy, twice-divorced brother e-mailed me the news of his sud­den engagement to a much younger di­vorcee with five children. I replied with congratulations and gently asked about a prenup. He briefly oudined the precau­tions he was taking. Two years later my brother's wife combed through his e-mail and found our exchange. She responded with an angry rant, copied to the family, about prejudgment and invasion of pri­vacy. My brodier now says my inquiry was inappropriate. What do you make of this?—B.K., New York, New York

Your sister-in-law seems to know a great deal about invasion of priimcy. Gwen your brother's two divorces, your question reflected only your concern for his well-being. He's cov­ering his ass now because he fears his wife's wrath more than the loss of your goodwill. That doesn't bode well, and before long he may well be thrice divorced—but thankful that prudence runs in the family.

All reasonable questions—from fashion, food and drink, stereos and sports cars to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette—will be per­sonally answered ij the writer includes a self-addressed, stamped envelope. The most interesting, pertinent questions will be pre­sented in these pages each month. Write the Playboy Advisor, 730 Fifth Avenue, New York, New York 10019, or send e-mail by vis­iting our website at playboyadvisor.com. Our greatest-hits collection. Dear Playboy Advisor, is available in bookstores and online.