A letter to the aliens

In this excerpt from their new book,

Earth (The Book): A Visitor's Guide to the Human Race, Jon Stewart and the writers of The Daily Show aim for the darkest corners of the universe

our worn

after the apocalypse. Aliens land on our planet only to find the remnants of our civilization—a festering "hellscape." They might won­der, What happened? Who were these creatures? This apres-Armageddon primer for the alien on the go pro­vides everything a sentient being needs to know about the species formerly known as Homo sapiens, its variety and contradictions, absurdi­ties and appetites.

—THE EDITORS OF PLAYBOY

Copyright ¦:<=. 2010 by Busboy Productions, Inc. Reprinted by permission of Grand Central Publishing. All rights reserved.

The work of Leonardo da Vinci (1452-1519) revolutionized the study of anatomy and ultimately led to the development of the buzzer-based method of surgery.

CHAPTER 3

Man

•t's 11:59 p.m., NewYear's Eve. The door swings open and in xvalks—that's right, bitches, walks—the most incredible creature anyone has ever seen. Upright, hairless, with a frontal lobe that

screams high cognitive functioning, this strange being moves in, redeco­rates the joint and eats half the guests before the ball drops. Yeah, Homo sapi­ens is in the house.

If the chronology of life on Earth were compressed into a year, human­ity would have been around for only that final minute. But in that time we managed to domesticate dogs, clone sheep and kill off more species of arthropod than we could shake a stick at—you know, the stick we were hold­ing in our now free-to-grasp hand. So how 'bout a nice round of applause for man, the evolutionary wunderkind? Good morning, Earth's creatures, and top o' the food chain to ya!

Yet though our intellectual and spiritual prowess far outpaced that of all other organisms, we weren't per­fect. Our abilities could be exercised

only within the confines of our bodies. On the off-chance you exist as amorphous vapors floating immaterially in space, bodies were portable, individual-sized carrying cases for the soul. Every human being was given exactly one such body at the moment of conception, so you can see why we would encase them in a thick protective layer of fat.

Our bodies had their virtues: durability, the capacity for self-healing and extraordinary pieces of bioengineering like the hands, eyes and upper left quadrant of the clito­ris. But for the most part they were our weak spot. We were neither the fastest animal (that was the cheetah), nor the largest (the blue whale), nor the tallest (the giraffe), nor the prettiest (tie: butterflies/well-groomed cocker spaniels). Yet we ruled over all of them. Why? Perhaps this riddle will shed some light: What has three pounds, four lobes and just came up with the idea for guns?

Yes, the brain was our big dog. A dense collection of neurons and their transmitters, it allowed for a level of

functioning other fauna could only respond reflexively to direct stimuli about. Its relationship with the body could at times be fraught. Often, no sooner would the mind begin

to scale the heights ot Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee "Operation Mastur­bate." We actually devoted the major­ity of our time and energy to satisfying our bodies' needs, wants, whims, tan­trums and crippling addictions. To the mind, the body was the loud, leaky, high-maintenance apartment it was forced to live in simply because it had nowhere else to crash.

But consider it from the body's perspective. From the neck down the human animal would just as soon have been left alone with its instincts. Eat­ing, sleeping, copulating, immediately sleeping again—these were natural functions that needed no input from "upper management." Yet to justify its job, Mr. Thinksalot had to constantly butt in with his doubts and diets and insufferable quest for meaning. To the

body, the mind was a totalitarian dictator monitoring every aspect of its personal life: its eating, its breathing, its sex­ual habits, even when—and in what room of the house—it could defecate.

This mind-body tension was the maddening core of our existence. But it was also remarkably productive. In some ways, their relationship was like that of the mismatched pairs of law-enforcement officials whose misadventures constitute a significant portion of the televisual artifacts you will soon be finding. Yes, they were different; but it was those very differences that led them to success, and ultimately, a kind of grudging mutual respect. Homo sapiens may have been set apart from all other life on Earth by its intelligence, but only in conjunction with our physical selves was this intelligence able to adapt to its conditions, change its envi­ronment and bend the world to its will for the greater good of everyone.

The end result is the now lifeless hellscape before you.

35

CHAPTER 3

The Rise of Man

although we shared 98.4% of our DNA with chimpanzees, that last 1.6% was what was known in anthropological circles as a "game changer." Who knew that a slightly shorter ilium and a reduction of the supraorbital torus would be the difference between dressing in a suit and tie for work, and being dressed in a suit and tie for our amusement?

Why We Ruled

A series of crucial adaptations

gradually enabled humanity

to conquer the world. j^k

Brain Size

This was the most critical factor. Over time our brains increased from 400 milliliters—barely enough to feed a large family of baby spiders—to a zombie feast-sized 1,400 milliliters. These bigger brains allowed us to engage in abstract thought, which is a cool idea if you think about it.

ion ^^^H dall ^H

Although the brain allowed us to achieve dominion

over Earth and all that dwelled on it, it was

still a nerd. Nerrrrrrd!

Language

As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication

for all human ^ beings except *-^ , Italians.

A ..

After learning how to talk, the next logical step was learning how to make a piece of wood tell racist jokes.

Bipedal Locomotion

ision. It also .

longer able j

:k our own I

esticles.It "

Walking on two feet freed

our hands for carrying,

increased our pursuit and

escape speed and improved

our field of vision. It also

i made us no lo

7" to lick our

worth it.

testicle.... was probably I

Without bipedalism this magazine's readership would have been nothing more than a pathetic collection of torso fetishists.

Manipulative Hands

The newly liberated hands evolved

into fine instruments capable

of performing an extraordinary

range of tasks, from flashing

gang signs to testing for prostate

cancer to helping us draw

turkeys. The hand's project manager was the opposable thumb, which maintained an excellent working relationship with the other fingers but remained aloof from them in its private life.

Tools

Greater intelligence and dexterity allowed us to fashion and use tools. These were artificial extensions of ourselves hat were harder or longer or grippier than we were. Naturally we began to resent them, so we

gained a level of revenge by making their nami' synonymous wit li "douchebag.

-1 DUSTBIN OF HISTORY If I

NEANDERTHALS

For a few hundred millennia, Earth was home to two distinct hominid species: Homo sapiens and Neanderthals. The Neanderthals were a great group—fun at parties, adept at lice-grooming, and total saber-toothed tigers in the sack. But they went extinct around 30,000 B.C. No one quite knows why we made it and they didn't, but comparative analysis reveals subtle differences that help account for their status as the Betamax of humanity.

Homo Sapiens

"Wise man"

Hunted, gathered

Teamed up to hunt prey

Planted, irrigated,

harvested crops

Domesticated dogs

Used fire for cooking

Homo Neanderthalensit

"Nice guy"

Scrounged, mooched

Teamed up to hunt MILFs

Yelled at seeds, wondered

where plant was hiding

Domesticated rocks

Used fire for bathing

„,

ralop-lx" 4 S an

v breakthrough in terms of brain ca

nary breaKin..."* capaci

dex'.eritv. But he was no reputable fcmalc "<l

..logisis M« o^ (un lridil>' "«'"• Squ,, l '¦

hunched over, and les, <han I.., mc,e,s „„ *•*

would not have tapped this if the futur<; Qf ^ | "He

cies depended on it. ^Pc.

¦ (T 'I ¦' ¦ " '.'' BuI females back then had not

ng Atistratopitliccus for the n,il|ion

cd for the fir«««""X,matic "bad

pporred rock-Mrc, , drunk

still some debate as to prcu

usenou ' ^t

h i« nl-ic-r. on vour bJ<-k •"¦" ,

' ...moarc. on me""" nj. j

enhecannoccm P Hewas thcpivota|

old" when man - • postcaninc dentition and vcr,ica| sl, ° ri8ht

now!" 7b observe the reduct,. ^ ^ ^ ^ fci ^^ ^^ *on,nillg

¦t XS^ij. plus he had the dexterity to use "div,. ''" "°W.

if you know what I (and the other |ajj ^ t"o|s,"

London University Neolithic Research iV^ '^

merit) mean. Oh, if 1 only were born 1.5 ^"n-

years ago, I'd have banged him like a shin'|,'°n

on an antelope skeleton! °"c

37

LEARNING CURVE i

BECOMING HUMAN I

CHAPTER 3

Reproduction

like most mammals, humans were made up of two sexes, men and women. This made sexual reproduction possible and eased traffic congestion patterns in public restrooms. Strictly speaking, the differences between the sexes were purely anatomical. But in reality their ongoing disconnect formed a deep vagina of misunderstanding seldom filled by the penis of knowledge. We will discuss the societal implications of this later; for now, just know that the images of the body parts you are looking at, while natural, are shameful. If we were alive today, we would never allow this type of trash to be sold in any of our finer enormous, low-wage, bulk-sale, discount chain superstores.

Third Sexes

Over the millennia, the two-gender system successfully beat back numerous challenges.

—I NAILED IT /T—

1

Imagine the best thing that ever happened to your body. Double it. Double it again. You're now 1% of the way to understanding what orgasms were like for us. These involuntary muscular contractions were our body's way of making us feel really really really really good, and once you understand that, you're a long way toward understanding why we did 99% of the stuff we did.

42

How Babies Were Made

We used to make up stories for our children to explain where

thev came from. But an advanced race like you can handle

the truth. What follows is a candid excerpt from the 1955

filmstrip Reproduction: As Much As You Need to Know. A

"Sometimes, when a man —

and woman love each other

very much, they decide

to create another human

being tofight the creeping

Communist menace."

"With their clergyman's

blessing, they go to

the soda shop and

exchange sips of

chocolate malted."

i

n

"Thefertilvied malt makes its way down the Mommy's throa I to her tummy, where it can be more easily concealed by loose clothing."

"Nine months later, God

punishes the Mommy

for sipping theforbidden

malt by nearly ripping her

vagina in two."

"This is J. Edgar Hoover, and I approve of this baby-making method."

As pregnancy progressed, the suspense built masterfully.

Homosexuality

Within all human populations there existed a certain percentage of people who were attracted to members of their own sex, and a smaller percentage of people willing to acknowledge it. Homosexuality prompted much debate between those who believed it was innate and genetic, and those who believed it was an impulse that—due to religion or upbringing—they were not allowed to act on.

The spinning of this

glittering orb was lr*^^ the signal for all SfiC^^ gays within

a ten-mile radius to gather for an emergency boogie, with or without

roller skates.

Ten percat' of all

Renaissamr depictions of j the Garden of Eden

featured Adam and Steve.

Many

homosexuals stayed "in the closet'which they therefore spent a lot of time furnishing with impeccably stylish wardrobes.

Some claimed homosexuality could be "cured" through fervent prayer to a semi-naked"

thirtysomething man tied to ' a cross and whipped by men % dressed as Roman centurions. *V\

43