How to Run a Mistress

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not telling you not to be monogamous. When monogamy works, it's great. However, having more than one lover, or a girlfriend on the side, is nothing to be ashamed of. In fact, it can be a source of pride, confidence and hedonistic fulfillment—as long as you don't brag about it. (We're assuming your signifi­cant other is not French and you do not have the green light to fool around.) In fact, that's the first rule. You should be prepared to take your secrets to the grave. If you're going to do it, keep your mouth shut. Also, no

whining. If stepping out of your rela­tionship or marriage gives you the guilts or feeds your stress or makes you ques­tion your commitment to the biggest and best thing in your life (that would be your wife, family or girlfriend), quit right now. It's not for you.

Keeping a mistress does not mean having an affair that leads to the end of your primary relationship. That's some­thing else; that's lame. Guys who justify that type of confusion and hurt are what we call the faithful adulterers. It's messy and childish. It's the no-man's-land between fidelity and having a second (or third) woman to love in your life. KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING and why you're doing it: Trust us on this one, because you're going to be asked—by the women who have seduced you and the women you're trying to seduce. It goes like this: You are perfectly happy with what you have. You just want more. You want a quick little staycation from your routine. You want sex, an occasional taste of strange. You want her perfect body, her lovely face, her attention, her intelligence. You have everything you need; that's why she was attracted to you in the first place. Your confidence, your charm, your money, your ability to man­age a stable relationship—they're what you have to offer. To blow that up would turn you into something else—and she wouldn't want that. You love your wife. Your wife is perfect. In fact, she'd love your wife too! They'd be fast friends. Half of you is your wife; if she weren't part of your life, you'd be half as appeal­ing. Your wife knows what kind of guy you are—not that she wants to hear the slightest whiff about an affair—and she's proud of it. A man (and most probably a woman) can love two different people at the same time, in entirely different con­texts. You do, in fact, love your mistress. You talk with her about things you don't talk about with anyone else.

You've spent a huge portion of your adult life learning about and loving women. To think you're going to just stop flirting and seducing on a dime (or an altar) is too much to ask of a guy like you. Why? Because you're selfish, and you want more.

KNOW WHO YOU ARE: Once you get that part straight, you can be as gracious and giving as you like; in fact, you must be. Be accessible. Be prepared to talk. Affairs are 90 percent phone calls and 10 percent sex. So be patient, chat it up, and when it's time for sex, make it count. CHOOSE YOUR MISTRESS, and let your mis­tress choose you: If you want to have the random fuck every six months with a one-night stand, you're playing a dangerous game—and running a high risk of get­ting caught, a high risk of bedding a crazy woman, a high risk of pissing someone off and offending the pussy goddess. There's

also a high risk of picking up something you don't want to bring home and share. So who are we looking for? Someone you trust. Someone you can manage not to piss off so she won't want to go ballistic and ruin your world. The good news is that just about any good-looking woman who knows her way around the bedroom wants to be someone's mistress at least once in her life. It's a common fantasy, and you want to exploit it. That is, every woman except single women between the ages of 27 and 35. Those women

are on a mission to get married and have kids. They're not going to waste time having fun. They're done with that. They want to start on the rest of their lives, God bless them. Don't get in the way of their goals.

On the one hand, that leaves young women who want the novelty of being taken care of from time to time. Don't get posses­sive or ask too many questions about their where­abouts. On the flip side, women over the age of 35 are past pre­tension. They've kept themselves looking good for a reason and are ready for some­one to appreciate their hard-won physique and Pilates-honed stamina for balling. Just don't let them get possessive.

These are crass generalities, yet they're also true. But just because they're true and sound like they're coming from the mouth of a pig doesn't mean you can't believe them. You can believe them and be the person you

should be—someone who is not a pig, someone who would rather hang out with girls than play cards and drink beer with the boys. Most honest women won't argue with this.

Also, we're not talking about how to get laid. We assume you know how to do that—if you have one strong relationship and are thinking about another, you shouldn't need tips. You're not pursuing anyone; you're content to let your next girlfriend come and find you. You're not Casanova. You're not trying to fool anyone into fucking you. This is not about mental manipulation. If you want to wear down the defenses of a 31-year-old who knows she shouldn't (continued on page 132)

THE DM IS ESSENTIAL. It stands for "direct message" and is the equivalent of a Facebook message: Wall posts and tweets are public, but DMs are not. Any­thing you want only the intended recipient to see-like, say, indiscreet pictures sent to a lover—should be relegated to DMs instead of your timeline.

It's a public

website, and you wouldn't put your text messages online, would you? Twitter is for networking, not for your nightly back-and-forth with that Amazon in accounting. If you delete a tweet, it won't necessar­ily disappear from the internet. This is doubly so for pictures, which are hosted by third-party sites.

o-j ,-",:. __¦:¦.¦;¦_._ j_ __¦_ The best way

to prevent prying eyes from reading unscrupu­lous tweets is to go private. This protects your 140-character missives from anyone you don't want reading them. Be warned: Anyone with access to your timeline can take a screenshot. Nothing is pri­vate on the internet.

TURN OFF I .

TOO). If you use Twitter on your phone, by default the application will send you a text alert whenever you're tweeted. Turn this option off to avoid embar­rassment. Similarly, you can never fully ensure the security of your e-mail account, and Twitter e-mails you every time you receive a message. Cover your bases and sleep with peace of mind.

Search your name and

Twitter handle to find out who's mentioning you on the service. It's not narcissistic, it's smart: Know what people are saying about you and you can put out fires before they get out of control.

(continued from page 100) be with you but you're so damn persistent, be our guest. Eventually, you'll be looking at a whole lot of heartache. To a gentleman, that kind of fuckery isn't cool.

Develop a lifestyle in which you maintain a degree of independence and control over your time and money: You'll need a steady job or income, your own finances, a flexible sched­ule, the means to travel and different sets of friends and acquaintances. If you're in your mid-20s and messing around with someone your own age, then she's not really your mis­tress and you don't really have to do much other than be nice and honest.

You must always be honest: Tell her you are never going to break up with your wife or fiancee. You may have to explain yourself more than once, especially if she's unat­tached. Be patient. She'll often have to explain it to her best friend, and what sounds right when you're together may get lost in translation when she has to repeat it. Do you love her? It may well come to that. Remem­ber what that love is, and keep it in context. We are all capable of loving more than one person in our lifetime—or at the same time (your parents, your kids, your wife). Would you continue to love your mistress if there were no obstacles? Would your love grow? It's possible, but you and she will never find out, which is why you must be gentle but disciplined about boundaries. These are the terms. She can always opt out. If the rela­tionship becomes emotionally detrimental to either of you, it must end.

Married mistresses are best: If her marriage is relatively benign or stable, the biggest challenge to you both will be scheduling. On the flip side, the advantage of single women is their availability. But eventually a single woman will move on to a full-time boyfriend, so enjoy it while you can.

Don't shit where you eat: We're all familiar with the phrase. Not only should you avoid intra-office stupidity, you must be diligent about keeping your relationship beyond detection by co-workers. No phone calls from her at the office and probably none to her either. Do not bring her to office parties or to drinks with the crew after work. Most important, do not use your company e-mail. We heard about a man who had his com­pany e-mails frozen and searched because of a lawsuit. One day he met the law clerk in charge of sifting through them. "So," our friend asked, "you have access to all my e-mails?" "Yeah," the clerk said with a goofy grin. "Some interesting stuff there, I'd imag­ine," our friend said. "Sure is!" the clerk said. Be more careful than our foolish friend.

Stay away from Facebook: When she asks if you are on it or active, just shrug. Say you're not the kind of person to share too much and you're short on time. Chances are she'll volunteer that she won't post anything revealing about your situation. Never blow up about any indiscretions she may make (like posting a picture of you). Say some­thing like "I'm not opposed to it emotionally. I'm just concerned that someone may see it and we may have to cool things a bit until suspicion dies down." She'll always opt to

maintain access rather than continue to maneuver to make your relationship more official. She may occasionally yearn for you to break up your marriage and be with her. Talk about it, and go back to square one.

Cell phones, texting and sexting—an unscientific approach: As stated earlier, be leery of e-mail. Everything you read in the press tells you that e-mails are forever. It turns out texts are too—but we'd rather take our chances with texts. E-mails are too intertwined with our work; they can be read and screened for a variety of reasons. Here are the advantages of texts over e-mails and phone calls: If you have unlimited texting as part of your phone plan (get unlimited texting!) the numbers are more difficult to access. Sure, you say, phone calls don't always show up on your bills, either. But did you know that the numbers from your phone calls and texts can be accessed online if someone goes into your account and searches for recent activity? Even diough your wireless company tells you it logs the calls forever, the numbers are hard to find after a month. But for those 30 days, you are vulnerable.

Say your spouse is suspicious. She sees 40-minute calls to a number she doesn't recognize. She may do some digging—like surreptitiously grabbing your cell phone to look at your call history. Ha! You've got her there—you've eliminated the calls to your leggy lovely on the side. Wrong move: The absence of that particular number while all the others are still there will arouse her sus­picion even more. So will clearing your call history. Who does that when they're not cheating? It may motivate her to find out more. Most online phone number searches won't yield much—almost everyone keeps his or her cell phone information private and out of phone books. But for a low monthly price some outfits will provide all the data she needs on a suspect number. Or worse yet, she can just dial the number and unleash hell. Don't rely on technology to keep you in the clear. That said, we like the CATE (Call and Text Eraser) app for Android, which was developed by a police officer. It intercepts texts and phone calls from your lover and hides them. The only way to access the intercepted calls and messages is to use your phone to open the application, which is password protected.

More phone talk: You can lock your phone, but that's also suspect. The goal here is to be sneaky but transparent. Have lots of names and numbers in your directory, and make them all cryptic—use the names of the places where your friends (and girlfriends) work instead of their personal names. And keep your phone calls short. You can be more adventurous with texting—get as nasty as you want to be. Hell, send her pic­tures of your Johnson (leave your face out of it) when she sends you pictures of her freshly groomed kitty (it's going to hap­pen; it always does). Is there risk involved? Sure, but only among the crazy folk—and a crazy will get you no matter how careful you are. You'll have only yourself to blame for not sussing that out. Just make sure you're vigilant about immediately erasing all texts, sent and received.

Yes, you can be a dick: Does she text or call at odd hours? That is verboten. It's your only rule and must be strictly enforced.

Spy phones: Too nerve-racking to engage in steady phone maintenance? Too much shar­ing when it comes to phone plans and bills? You can do what the gangsters do: Go to a deli or cheap electronics outfit and buy an inexpensive phone with a one-month plan built in. She can get one too. Just be sure to stash it someplace safe.

Stay busy: Keep your co-workers at a distance from your close family and friends. It's best if you have a third set of acquaintances—clients or business associates, friends from a Softball league or continuing-education program. You need to be out one night a week, rotating among the groups, to give yourself some cover. Make sure the nights you're with your mistress are not late nights or nights when you're hard to find. Daytime trysts are even better; it's eas­ier to explain time out of the office to your boss than weird absences to your wife.

Never see your girlfriend on weekends: Those are for family. Also, try this: Every time you do something fun with your girlfriend—a concert, a great restaurant, a little vacation explained away as a work trip—do the same with your wife. After all, she's your original partner in fun.

Ideally, you have an expense account: Which means you have a work-related credit card with charges completely separate from the running of the household and therefore not necessary to show to your wife. You mustn't steal from work or take money from your family beyond what you have budgeted in the past for your own good time (your wife should have the same amount of money to spend and equal autonomy; not only is it fair but it allows her to make expenditures she can hide from you, too).

Online ticketing: Ah, Priceline.com, boon to passionate couples in need of temporary shelter. What great deals! The day before your sexathon, set a price and search for luxury hotels. They have great bars, they're romantic or trendy and always ready for illicit behavior, and the desk clerks will rec­ognize you as one of a steady stream of guests bent on messing up the sheets, buy­ing a dirty movie on LodgeNet and leaving sometime after midnight. The saucy ones will ask, "Do you have any luggage?"

You'll meet one or two of her friends: She'll swear at first that she won't tell anyone, but she will—usually to brag about the sex. It's always about the sex. Because of the good sex, her friend will give a conditional endorse­ment of the affair, which for you is important in keeping the relationship happy and light. Her friend will want to meet you because she wants to have great sex too—not necessarily with you but someone like you. First, though, she needs to know what to look for.

Which is why you're well-dressed: An expen­sive watch means you're not stressed about money. Great shoes in good condition are signs of authority and your ability to shoul­der responsibility and take care of things (signs of a daddy figure). Clean fingers, skin and general grooming are a must. And when you make your move, an expensive and unique scent will make her succumb to a surge of pheromones.

Gifts: You must be careful with gifts. You want to show appreciation and love, but you also want to maintain boundaries and limit expectations. Gifts are emotional and hence

unpredictable. If you pay for all meals, drinks and hotels, she'll generally overlook a lack of gifts. But as time goes on, you will be on the hook. Jewelry is a good one for single women—as long as you steer clear of rings. Don't get her any housewares or home items: Domestication is not an option here. For that reason, avoid things for the both of you to share. You should probably avoid lingerie. She's your mistress; that's her department. You run the risk of offending by being too tacky, salacious or a poor judge of her body with the wrong undergarments. (Shopping for lingerie together, however, is a different story.) Beachy vacation-oriented stuff is cool—think sarong. And a big yes to vibrators! Start innocently, with a bullet vibe, then move on to dildos and butt plugs as she reveals more about how she likes to get down. High-end perfume (think Tom Ford or Frederic Malle) is also great: lavish but not too personal.

Vacations and holidays: Talking about vaca­tions is much better than actually pulling them off. Make no promises. The danger of vacationing together is that it may illustrate how well you get along as a couple when you have relatively unlimited time to share. But of course you'd get along! Just remind her how you must stick to your limits and how vacations aren't real. When it comes to major holidays, again, family comes first. Do not do anything foolish around Christ­mas. Meet her for drinks a week before, give her a small token, promise a larger gift when you get together after. Generally, the week between Christmas and New Year's will provide plenty of opportunity to get together—with a great meal, maybe a nice hotel—and plenty of opportunity to shower her with affection. Plus, if you're crafty, you can even pick up a lavish gift for her (a

shearling coat perhaps—furriers offer their best deals after Christmas) at half price.

Don't loan any money you need returned: She may call it a loan, but it's not. So don't loan too much. Be generous and don't dun her. Warning: Never pay her rent. We knew a young woman who had a two-year affair with her boss. They shared an apartment; he swore he'd break up with his wife any minute. When his wife finally got clued in and told the mistress he'd never leave, this heartbroken girl turned vengeful, lawyered up (she left their mutual employer during the affair to keep things quiet and missed out on raises, etc.) and put her former sugar daddy on the hook for $100,000. Bad driv­ing, dude! So there it is. Don't fuck up.

Be prepared to get caught: Man up. Realize what you're risking. Your whole world may turn upside down. Or it may not. When or if it happens, behave honorably. You never meant to hurt anyone. What you're count­ing on is your resiliency—that no matter how complicated life gets or how great a challenge you may face (turning 60 percent of your fundage over to your ex-wife), you will just bear down and beat the problem. Never lose your confidence. Cover your tracks. Deny what you can. But know when the end is near, and don't be hurtful. Also, there's no insurance against this happen­ing. One of the worst things you can do is to try unilaterally to clean the slate and bring a world of agony to your wife by making a spur-of-the-moment confession. Your wife didn't do anything to deserve being told you've been stepping out or that unspoken problems between the two of you led you to act this way. She did nothing wrong.

You're just selfish, and you like to fuck.