A man rushed into his son's room. "If you keep masturbating you're going to go blind!" he warned. His son said, "Dad, I'm over here." Twitter is like a woman's skirt: Tweets are long enough to cover the subject but short enough to keep it interesting. A man was walking along the street when he slipped in dog shit. A few moments later another guy did exactly the same thing. The first said to him, "I just did that." The second punched him in the face and called him a dirty bastard. Why don't you ever whisper dirty things in my ear?" an unsatisfied wife asked her husband. He came up behind her, put his chin on her shoulder and whispered, "The dishes." Don't you hate it when you're about to hug someone sexy and your face hits the mirror? What's one thing women and police cars have in common? They both make a lot of noise to let you know they're coming. A man walked into his office on a Monday morning. He checked his e-mails and saw one from his neighbor. It read, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?" Outraged, he replied, "No, I certainly do not!" A short while later he received a second e-mail from the neighbor. Expecting an apology, the man opened the message. It read, "Want to buy some?" I n the heat of passion a man whispered in his girlfriend's ear, "Baby, would you ever want to try anal sex?" "Urn," she said and paused. "I guess we could try it if you really want to." "Only if you're comfortable," he assured her. "Let me compose myself in the bathroom," she said and walked off. She returned minutes later wearing a strap-on and demanded, "Turn around." Two blondes were driving to Disneyland. They saw a sign that read Disneyland i.EFr, so they started crying and drove home. What do a slice of burned toast and a pregnant girlfriend have in common? In both cases you wish you'd taken it out a few seconds earlier. tK wife said to her husband, "You make love like you fix things around the house." "Expertly?" the man asked. "No," she responded. "Half done so I have to call the neighbor over to finish the job." This just in: A dissatisfied transplant patient has demanded that his surgeon replace his brand-new penis. It seems the new organ rejected his hand. Behind every successful man is a woman, and behind the fall of every successful man is usually another woman. Our Unabashed Dictionary defines dildo as a fucksimile. What's the difference between the government and the Mafia? One of them is organized. Don't play with a woman's heart; she has only one. Instead, play with her boobs—she has two of those. Playboy classic: Webster's wife, returning early from a long trip, discovered the lexicographer flagrante delicto with a pretty maid. "Darling!" she gasped. "I'm surprised!" "No, my dear," replied Webster. "You are shocked; I am surprised." How do you identify a bald eagle? All his feathers are combed to one side. A woman participating in a survey was asked how she feels about condoms. She answered, "It depends on what's in it for me." Send your jokes to Playboy Party Jokes, 9346 Civic Center Drive, Beverly Hills, California 90210, or by e-mail to jokes@playboy.com.