DESERT SOLITAIRE

I find the most pleasure when I am unapologetically my­self. To be liberated by the feeling that I’m most myself at any moment, even if it requires me to be my most vul­nerable, feels fucking amazing. Having the strength to express your wants and needs without the urge to down­play them, you develop an immunity to the judgments and obsessions that hold you back.

My whole career has been a river of winding experi­ences, and I honestly didn’t think I would find so much joy in pursuing this path. I’ve always been a bit restless and mercurial—my family moved seven times before I turned 16. (My grandma says we get itchy feet.) I was born in New Jersey, and we lived in Pennsylvania, Georgia, Michigan, Wisconsin and California before I graduated from high school early and went to live with a family in Sydney, Australia. After I’d grown up in so many places in rural and suburban America, Sydney felt special and dynamic. I ended up going to college there and got scouted by a modeling agency on campus when I was 17. It wasn’t long before I dropped out of school and moved to New York during Fashion Week.

I don’t know if you’ve ever set foot inside a modeling apartment, but it’s basically purgatory. The only thing in the cupboards was a tub of Mucinex and in the fridge a six-pack of Diet Coke. I think I cried every day for six weeks, certain I’d made the biggest mistake of my life. The city was freezing and covered in gray slush. I hated it so much. But after about a year, I got acclimated: I started working in a café, the modeling jobs started trickling in, and I got out of that bunk-bed situation.

I quickly grew to love the freedom my job allows me. As consumer-driven as the industry may be, I love the idea that you get to co-create and fulfill a vision with other people. To play the role of muse or participate in an artwork with meaning—I live and die for those days. That’s why I was so excited about working with playboy: The ability to have a say in the creative brief is such a rare privilege. It really is an honor.

My favorite thing about Playboy, and also the scary thing about it, is that everybody has their own personal relationship with the brand. Like cilantro or the word moist, it elicits strong reactions. My friends and family were all super supportive of my decision—not that they had a choice; I’ve been running around naked since the age of five. If female nudity offends some people, that’s fine. If others think female nudity undermines the ideal of feminism, that’s also fine. I don’t agree with either of those sentiments, and I’m so proud of what we created for this issue.

Pleasure is not a luxury; I wish I’d told myself that when I was younger. It’s not a reward for working hard. It’s not an inherently guilty experience. Pleasure is ab­solutely a priority for a healthy life.

DATA SHEET

BIRTHPLACE: Voorhees, New Jersey

CURRENT CITY: Los Angeles, California

ON GUILTY PLEASURES

Why does pleasure have to be guilty? In sex education, only boys are encouraged to self-explore; girls don’t learn till much later how to locate and advo­cate for their own pleasure. We should teach kids that pleasure is absolutely essential to their well-being. I would love to be a sex-education teacher— someone who goes to schools and reframes the subject for kids. I want to talk about consent and pleasure and bring these things into age-appropriate conversations, because sex ed is such a joke at the moment.

ON IMPOSTOR SYNDROME

One thing I wish I could give up: self-doubt. It’s terrible. I’ve never been on set and not thought that I was going to get sent home. Not once. Every single job I’ve ever been on, I’ve felt that if I make it to lunchtime, I can relax—“Ah, they’re not going to send me home now; it would be too expensive.”

ON ROLE REVERSALS

As much as it might be nice to take a break from the industry, it would be amazing to work on the other side of the camera. I take film photos—bad photos of beautiful friends of mine.

ON CREATIVE CHEMISTRY

I was able to choose my photogra­pher, Jennifer Stenglein. We met on a shoot in Bali, and I was immediately in love with her. I can’t tell if I want her to be my mom, my girlfriend or my best friend. She’s so in love with women, and it shows in her photographs.

ON FOOD RULES

I’m a vegan, and I haven’t eaten meat since I was eight. I really care about the environment and animals, but I don’t like the idea of evangelizing about ways of eating. We’re all trying our very hardest with the information we have, but I think you can eat from every food group and be conscientious of the time and effort it took for that food to get to you. My decision to be a vegan doesn’t make anybody else’s choice inadequate or less moral.

ON FLYING

I cry on airplanes. Always. There’s something about it—the idea that you’re leaving somewhere, looking out the window for hours. I’m a window person, but I have to pee all the time, so everyone hates me.

ON PET PEEVES

Picky eaters. Oh my God, if you’re an adult and I find out you’re afraid to try new foods, I’ll just have no respect for you anymore.

ON HIDDEN TALENTS

I can juggle anything that’s round and smaller than a bowling ball.