Eric Andre for President

It’s about attitude, and it’s about time. Eric Andre, host of Adult Swim’s The Eric Andre Show and star of the prank-based feature film Bad Trip, is running for president and, like most of his fellow candidates, investing all his energy in the construction of an attention-grabbing persona. Unlike his rivals—with the exception of our actual president—the Florida-born hopeful is building his image on a platform of blatant falsehoods, below-the-belt insults and dereliction of duty. We caught up with Andre at a salon, where a manicurist buffed fake tanner off his fingernails, and adjourned to his favorite Korean barbecue restaurant. There, he ate eel and pressed the flesh (and discussed his plan to celebrate a “crystal-meth Christmas”) with a few starry-eyed constituents. He also gave us a glimpse into the Cool Party campaign, Russian pee-pee tape and all.—James Rickman

PLAYBOY: Between Trump and Tom Steyer, we have two billionaires in the running. How’s your war chest?

ANDRE: I’m a thousandaire. I’ve made over $3,000 in my life. I dare you to find the person who’s more qualified than me. I’m making over 250 bucks a week.

PLAYBOY: Any campaign-trail highlights so far?

ANDRE: None. I’m avoiding my constituents as much as possible. I’ve been spending all my time at Jimmy Buffett concerts and drinking Shamrockin’ Sangria at Bennigan’s.

PLAYBOY: What’s the change you want to see in the world?

ANDRE: I don’t want to see anything. I’m going to close my eyes and let my constituents do whatever. I want to golf and sleep under my desk as much as possible. I have absolutely no policies. And that’s my promise to the American people: I’m just about attitude and swagger.

PLAYBOY: Let’s talk about attitude. How do you define it?

ANDRE: Well, Webster’s dictionary defines attitude as telling people your opponent sucks his own dick at night. I couldn’t believe Webster. I was like, “Webster, you old fool! You on one!”

PLAYBOY: You’ve actually mentioned on the trail that your opponent “sucks his own dick at night.” Do you think that’s an appropriate thing for a candidate to say, and were you speaking metaphorically?

ANDRE: I think it’s more appropriate now than ever. I was speaking metaphorically and literally. Furthermore, I don’t know who my opponent is.

PLAYBOY: Who are you considering for your running mate?

ANDRE: Uh, Jussie Smollett, Lil’ Bow Wow, John Hinckley Jr. and Papa John.

PLAYBOY: And who’s going to be in your Cabinet?

ANDRE: I’m gonna pull up to a McDonald’s at three in the morning in an abandoned school bus and just put a bunch of ding-dongs onto the fuckin’ bus and give them total autonomy.

PLAYBOY: You reported from the Republican and the Democratic conventions in 2016——

ANDRE: That’s how I got the politics bug.

PLAYBOY: Did those experiences inform your decision to run for president?

ANDRE: Yeah. I was like, Politics is easier than comedy. It’s like comedy, but you don’t have the pressure of telling jokes; you just get up there and complain about shit and dupe people into thinking you’re going to do something while a few oligarchs control everything.

PLAYBOY: Where do you stand on legalization?

ANDRE: Legalization? Of everything? I’m all for it. I mean, doesn’t matter to me. Whoever gives me the most money to get into office, I’ll do whatever they want. I’m going to be pretty drunk on power. And schnapps.

PLAYBOY: What would you legalize first?

ANDRE: OxyContin. [burps] Excuse me. That’s on the record, by the way. That’s going in the anals [sic] of history.

PLAYBOY: What about climate change? [Andre bursts into laughter] Is it real, and if so what do you plan to do about it?

ANDRE: Wait till those polar ice caps melt, then surf the gnarliest fuckin’ tsunami, dude! Right into the Surf Olympics.

PLAYBOY: What’s your relationship with the mainstream media?

ANDRE: I don’t own a TV and I can’t read. I have no relationship with it.

PLAYBOY: We’ve seen the rise of social media as a political tool. Do you plan on running your own accounts?

ANDRE: I will at first, but I plan on getting hacked so that when I go on a bigoted diatribe and accidentally retweet my porn searches, I’ll have an excuse to fall back on and an intern to scapegoat, Ted Cruz–style. He was favoriting porn Twitter accounts, and then he was like [grunts], “Uh, my intern did that!” And he still beat the guy from the Mars Volta.

PLAYBOY: Of course, Senator Cruz isn’t the only politician who’s had to deal with embarrassing leaked documents. Do you anticipate any problems there?

ANDRE: The only problem is figuring out when to release my sex tape, my Russian hooker pee-pee tape, my masturbation tape and my taking-a-dump-on-my-desk tape. [A constituent at a nearby table offers Andre a glass of beer] Oh, no thank you. I’m detoxing. I’m going straightedge for two months. And then it’s crystal meth come Christmastime. It’ll be a crystal-meth Christmas!

PLAYBOY: Presidents Trump, Clinton and Kennedy, to name a few, have gotten into trouble for alleged affairs. Do you anticipate past infidelities being a problem for you?

ANDRE: I anticipate them being a solution. Tax dollars will be spent on my personal sexual needs—with transients, drifters and freight-train-ridin’ hobos with their lunch on a bandanna hanging off the end of a stick.

PLAYBOY: What do you hope to accomplish in your first 100 days as president?

ANDRE: Oh, getting out of work as much as possible. I won’t even move to Washington, D.C. I’ll just do a Ferris Bueller: buy a mannequin and a cantaloupe, paint my face on it and put it on marionette ropes in the Oval Office. I’ll have a recording of Ronald Reagan snoring so people think I’m at my desk.

PLAYBOY: What are your thoughts on God?

ANDRE: Not a damn thing. I worship Satan, I practice the dark arts, and I own a Ouija board.

PLAYBOY: Is the Ouija board going to factor into your decision-making as president?

ANDRE: Yeah. If I’m president, I’m going to throw pagan menstrual blood at Stonehenge. That’s how I’ll pick my winning lottery numbers.

PLAYBOY: What’s your message to the children of America?

ANDRE: Don’t listen to your parents. They’re fuckin’ out to get you, man. They’re out to kill your buzz, bro.

PLAYBOY: And finally, are you concerned that the demands and exposure that come with the job will affect your family?

ANDRE: I don’t know. [pauses] Leave me alone! That’d be great if someone was on the campaign trail and just kept saying, “Leave me alone!”