WHEN someone tells you they believe in absolute freedom of speech, tell them their baby isn’t that cute and see how they react.—Josh Gondelman
A new scientific study shows that 100 percent of the people who think Colin Kaepernick shouldn’t protest during NFL games sent angry letters when Last Man Standing was canceled.—J.G.
PEOPLE say there’s never been a better time to be a woman, but I think I would have had a lot of fun accusing my enemies of witchcraft.—Kate Willett
AFTER a well-lubricated first date and a night of intoxicated passion, a man and woman awaken in each other’s arms.
“Want to go to Starbucks?” the man asks.
“No,” comes the terse reply.
“Why not?”
“If I wanted to get called by the wrong name,” the woman says, “I would just have sex with you again.”—Alison Leiby
I’VE never experienced an earthquake, but I have rolled over onto my vibrator in my sleep.—A.L.
IF everyone gets mad when you “tell it like it is,” maybe the way it actually is is “you’re an asshole.”—J.G.
ANOTHER couple is on a first date, but these two are struggling. After an agonizingly long lull, the man speaks up.
“You don’t look like your picture on Tinder,” he says.
Without hesitation the woman replies, “You don’t look like someone who’s remotely in the league of that picture, so I guess we’re even.”—J.G.
WHEN someone uses racial slurs and blames it on alcohol, as if it wasn’t their brain that thought it and their mouth that said it, that’s just unfair to alcohol.—Jess Salomon
I’M a firm believer in the right to free expression, except in the case of making any more movies that tell Spider-Man’s origin story.—J.G.
AND if you want to stifle free speech, might I suggest getting me a puppy. I always shut the hell up when there’s a puppy to play with.—Lauren Vino
GUY: It sucks that women aren’t as horny as guys.
FRIEND: That’s actually a myth. Women’s sex drives are at least as high as men’s.
GUY: Not the women I’ve been sleeping with!
FRIEND …
GUY: Please never tell anyone about this conversation.—J.G.
PEOPLE say it’s rude to talk politics at the dinner table, but if you ask me it’s way more rude to eat a roast chicken at your polling place.—J.G.
AFTER 12 years of public education, I really thought I’d be expressing myself through diorama much more in my adult life.—Hannah Boone
PROPPED up in an Irish bar, a man leans over to the drinker beside him.
“Hey,” he says. “Just so you know, I’m hung like a horse.”
“Oh really?”
“Well, I frequently pee in the street during parades.”—J.G.
THE way I most frequently exercise my male privilege is by constantly forgetting whether my pores are supposed to be big or small.—J.G.
