We can all agree that until the NFL’s regular season kicks off, 99.9999% of all pro football content should be at least somewhat predictive; after all, nobody’s played a single in-season game, so we have nothing to do but predict. However, Playboy likes to go the extra mile, so with the 2024 NFL season mere weeks away, we’re going to get really predictive, picking not just the Super Bowl LIX participants, but also the game’s winner.
But wait, there’s more!
Since we’re seriously nuts, we’re also including potential final scores. And since we’re even nuttier than that, no NFL team can appear in more than one of our pretend matchups. Ten hyper-speculative betting forecasts, 20 teams, no repeats, boom.
Also included in our silly little list is the official Playboy Boldness Level, a 1-10 numerical quantification of the given matchup’s wackiness, with #10 being wacky af and #1 being more or less reasonable. Like Chiefs/Niners would clock in at a number #1, while Panthers/Pats would be number #10 and plummeting.
Now that you know the format, howzabout we strap in and let the wackiness commence…
(Note: August 20, 2024 Super Bowl odds courtesy of Best Odds.)
Baltimore Ravens 42 – Atlanta Falcons 10
Baltimore Super Bowl Odds: +1000
Atlanta Super Bowl Odds: +3000
Boldness Level: 7. Quarterback-wise, Balto’s Lamar Jackson appearing in the Big Game feels good. The ATL’s Kirk Cousins appearing in the Big Game feels odd.
How We Got Here: Under first-year coach Raheem Morris, the Falcons become an offensive juggernaut, led by an MVP-level campaign from running back Bijan Robinson. With the addition of a top-shelf running back in Derrick Henry, this iteration of the Ravens is finally able to get over the Super Bowl hump.
Why Baltimore Will Win: Henry’s presence makes a scary offense even scarier, while the Falcons are still several years away, thus the beatdown.
Buffalo Bills 16 – Seattle Seahawks 3
Buffalo Super Bowl Odds: +1500
Seattle Super Bowl Odds: +6500
Boldness Level: 7.5. As long as peak Josh Allen is a thing, Buffalo will always be in the mix. As for Seattle, the stars simply aligned, meaning we can’t figure it out either.
How We Got Here: Despite a thin wide receivers’ room, a determined—no, an obsessive—Allen is finally able to drag the Bills out of the AFC, while the ’Hawks ride a stellar trio of wide receivers—D.K. Metcalf, Tyler Lockett, and Jaxon Smith-Njigba—through the NFC.
Why Buffalo Will Win: The QB battle pits Josh Allen against Geno Smith. ’Nuff said.
Cincinnati Bengals 21 – Tampa Bay Buccaneers 6
Cincinnati Super Bowl Odds: +1300
Tampa Bay Super Bowl Odds: +8000
Boldness Level: 8. After free agency, the Bengals are down a couple of offensive studs. The Bucs are just down.
How We Got Here: Despite losing RB Joe Mixon and WR Tyler Boyd, the Bengals have enough juice to grab a Wild Card spot and march through the postseason. Tampa, meanwhile, gets 17 healthy games out of their studly (and oft-injured) receiving duo of Mike Evans and Chris Godwin, allowing them to tip-toe their way into February.
Why Cincinnati Will Win: They’ve been there. Tampa hasn’t. The score doesn’t indicate Cincy’s level of dominance.
Dallas Cowboys 19 – Pittsburgh Steelers 10
Dallas Super Bowl Odds: +1900
Pittsburgh Super Bowl Odds: +5000
Boldness Level: 5.5. The Dak Prescott-led ’Boys have to make a Super Bowl eventually. Don’t they?
How We Got Here: CeeDee Lamb breaks a buttload of Cowboys’ receiving records, while after Steelers coach Mike Tomlin benches QB Russell Wilson in Week 5, backup Justin Fields becomes JUSTIN FIELDS.
Why Dallas Will Win: In a Prescott vs. Fields QB matchup, experience wins out. More importantly, let’s look to the Cowboys linebacking corps, where in a Micah Parsons vs. Fields matchup, ferocity wins out.
Green Bay Packers 7 – Cleveland Browns 6
Green Bay Super Bowl Odds: +1900
Cleveland Super Bowl Odds: +4000
Boldness Level: 2. A pair of pundits’ darlings colliding in Nawlins makes sounds both reasonable and reasonably fun.
How We Got Here: Pack signal-caller Jordan Love morphs into a drama-free melding of Brett Favre and Aaron Rodgers, while Browns QB Deshaun Watson regains his mojo.
Why Green Bay Will Win: After productive regular seasons, both offenses poop the bed, leading to a less-than-scintillating defensive struggle that’s capped off with a fourth quarter Love-led touchdown drive.
Houston Texans 35 – Detroit Lions 34
Houston Super Bowl Odds: +1600
Detroit Super Bowl Odds: +1200
Boldness Level: 2. These kids grow up so quickly…
How We Got Here: This pair of emerging franchises lives up to their lofty expectations and double-digit-win their way through the 2024 regular season.
Why X Will Win: Led by top-five QB C.J. Stroud, Houston’s battalion of killer pass catchers—we’re talking WRs Stefon Diggs, Nico Collins, Tank Dell and TE Dalton Schultz, not to mention RB Joe Mixon—gets them across the finish line in one of the most magical Super Bowls of the 21st Century.
Chicago Bears 31 – Indianapolis 21
Indianapolis Super Bowl Odds: +6500
Chicago Super Bowl Odds: +3500
Boldness Level: 9. These two midwestern squads are close to legitimacy…but not that close.
How We Got Here: In one of the season’s bigger shocks, next gen quarterbacks Caleb Williams and Anthony Richardson finish the 2024 NFL regular season one/two in passing yards, catapulting their respective offenses through their respective conferences.
Why Chicago Will Win: Williams’ 400-passing-yard masterpiece earns the Bears revenge for their Super Bowl XLI loss to the Colts.
Kansas City Chiefs 51 – Philadelphia Eagles 7
Kansas City Super Bowl Odds: +500
Philadelphia Super Bowl Odds: +1500
Boldness Level: 1.5. The champs staring down one of the NFC East’s beasts is almost too obvious.
How We Got Here: QB Patrick Mahomes and TE Travis Kelce do Mahomes/Kelce things, while maligned Iggles coach Nick Sirianni—somehow, some way—rediscovers his Super Bowl LVII form. (P.S. – Ya can’t mention Travis Kelce without mentioning Taylor Swift. So…Taylor Swift.)
Why Kansas City Will Win: Chiefs gonna Chief.
New York Jets 14 – Los Angeles Rams 13
New York Super Bowl Odds: +2000
Los Angeles Super Bowl Odds: +3000
Boldness Level: 8. Teams in search of an identity generally don’t find themselves playing in February.
How We Got Here: Future Hall of Fame quarterback and current AARP member Aaron Rodgers pulls a magical season out of his 40-year-old butt, while over in Cali, emerging RB Kyren Williams channels his inner Christian McCaffrey and almost single-handedly earns L.A. the George Halas Trophy.
Why New York Will Win: The Rams defense is just okay. The J.E.T.S. JETS JETS JETS defense is way better than just okay.
San Francisco 49ers 41 – Miami Dolphins 35 (3 OT)
San Francisco Super Bowl Odds: +600
Miami Super Bowl Odds: +2200
Boldness Level: 2. The Niners are there. The Dolphins are close enough.
How We Got Here: Nobody in the NFL is able to shut down two of the league’s toastiest offenses, so this one has a whiff of inevitability.
Why San Francisco Will Win: The teams are evenly-matched, but San Fran’s HC Kyle Shanahan’s previous experience coaching in a Super Bowl helps earn the franchise their sixth Lombardi Trophy.