Editor’s note: This editorial was written by Dana Hamilton and originally published on Playboy.com in 2019.
Dating in LA is tough. It’s a city of perfectly timing drinks to avoid rush hour traffic, wondering which profiles were made for dating or just to gain more Instagram followers, and navigating more ghosting than the next movie in the Conjuring franchise. But is it even tougher when most people (who’ll admit to it) have already seen you naked?
After recently shadowing a porn shoot, I wanted to know what it’s like to date as a porn star, particularly how the dating landscape changes when one of the biggest driving factors to date–sex–is removed. In our sex-negative society that loves porn, is being in the adult industry an advantage or a hurdle preventing a happily-ever-after? I sat down with four porn stars to ask about their sex and dating lives.
What They’re Looking For
Damon Dice: Independent, ambitious, motivated. I’m a spiritual person so someone who shares similar beliefs.
Jessy Jones: You have to have good self-esteem, for sure, because I can’t go to work and have you say “What did you do today? Was she better than me?” You have to understand it’s work. You have to have confidence, a big sense of humor, and something going on—a job or a career or going to school or something. Trust me, there’s nothing like a woman at home waiting for your man when you know he’s fucking another girl. That’s some different level shit.
Ana Foxx: I fuck with them mentally. I’m like, “Well, you have to go get tested, and you have to go where I go and that costs $160.” Even if they get tested I’m not like oh, let’s fuck. It’s like now let me see if you can drink. Do you drink? Because I drink. Do you smoke? Oh, you don’t? I don’t know… I’ll just go through this checklist. I’ll put them through the ringer just to see if they’ll even stick around past [sex]. One guy literally texted me, “It costs $160? I’m good.” Ghosted me, never heard from him again, but before that he was willing to give me the world. Like, damn Daniel. It’s just a little STD test. You can get that, and then you’re like 50 percent closer to getting the pussy.
Luna Star: Very calm, not jealous, not possessive. I love a family person. Someone who is very close to their mom and their family because I think those are the best qualities in a person. I just want a regular person who focuses on their life, too, so we can just meet in the middle. I’ll meet guys who are all about me, and that’s not good either because they drive me crazy.
How the Industry Influences the Way They Date
JJ: I’m old school. I like to meet people face-to-face. Sometimes I’ll go to a real estate mingle in Beverly Hills because there has to be some hot MILFs up in there, and I’m gonna get myself an older woman who’s gonna be my sugar mama. Let’s do this.
I’ve been doing this for ten years, and it took away my game. Because I have to try—I don’t have to try with any girls with anything, so it took away my game. It sucks because it’s the industry that made me this way. I was not like that. I would date the girl and bring her to restaurants, go to the movies. Now, that somehow feels like extra work, and I start to wonder if something’s wrong with me if after a couple dates we don’t have sex. I have to remember it’s normal to do things like that before sex.
LS: Now, I don’t have sex just because I’m horny. Now I’m only going out with a guy I really like and am interested in. I really, really have to like you to have sex with you. In my head, I don’t need to prove anything. I have good sex at my job, so why would I go and have sex with a random guy just because I’m bored?
Battling Preconceived Notions
DD: On the surface, people see pictures of me and go he’s a good-looking guy, he’s probably just trying to fuck everything that walks. Especially with me being in the adult industry, that amplifies it. So people do look at me and there’s a “yeah, he’s just trying to fuck me”-type thing, but within minutes of actually talking to me, [they realize] I have more depth to me than someone who’s just, you know, trying to have sex with them.
LS: Almost all my fans think I’m a ho because in all my videos they see me meeting somebody and then fucking them and they think that’s real life. So I’ve had guys come up to me and think just because I do porn they can fuck me. And that is not true. I have to warm up to you for me to even have a close relationship with you, let alone have sex with you. And I think that is one of the biggest misconceptions about the porn industry—that they all think we’re loose girls, and we’ll have sex with anybody without condoms, without protection and we don’t care about that. It’s totally opposite. We care so much.
AF: People just think I’m throwing dicks in my butt and fucking my girl friends in my off time. [When it comes to correcting them], I’m a bitch. If it’s a place where I don’t have to center myself, like a networking event, I’m more polite, but if it’s a more neutral place I’m like no. Straight up “Nope I don’t do that.”
Their Approach to Monogamy
JJ: For trust purposes, you have to stick with the person you’re with. I would never be in a serious relationship where I tell people my life and my secrets and then go and fuck somebody else and cheat on them. Because I wouldn’t want that done to me. At work, when I take a shower after a scene and a girl tries to come into the shower, that’s, like, no.
AF: When I’m in a relationship, I try to be really monogamous. It’s like that person’s mine and I don’t wanna share. I know I go to work, but outside of work I don’t really sleep around or creep around. I might flirt through a DM here or there, but I would be monogamous.
LS: Outside of work, when I date somebody-if I really love them-I will not play around because I already have sex at work so I don’t need to go around and fuck other people. But in their head, we’re not loyal because we’re having sex with so many people at work. In my head, I am monogamous because when I go to work, when I leave, that’s it. I go home and I only want one person, but I don’t feel like the other person feels the same way about it. So that’s the biggest thing. But when I really like somebody, I don’t fuck around.
DD: If I’m in a relationship, I don’t mind if my person is interested in hooking up with other people. Because at the end of the day, I think it comes down to confidence in one’s self and I feel like if you’re confident in a relationship, and you know that other person loves you, you shouldn’t have any worries about them leaving.
The Advantages of Dating a Porn Star
DD: It’s definitely made me more open-minded because I have interacted with so many people on an intimate level. So I’ve learned [from] and gotten close to a lot of people per se. I’ve become more accepting of people, and if they do have issues or problems, I can look past that because I have become more compassionate and caring for people since being in this industry.
JJ: In a way, it’s good because sexually, it’s like being an athlete. You also have connections so if you want to have threesomes or get gang-banged, it’s pretty easy for me to make that accessible. You have someone who is really open sexually, good at what they do, and makes decent money.
AF: I respect people more because I respect myself more. I give myself more rules, I give people more rules, I hold myself accountable, I’m a lot more honest. It brings better people to me.
LS: If you’re dating someone who’s never done this before, it’s not a good thing. Because they want monogamy and after a couple months of dating you, they want to save you and they think you’re suffering in your job and “please don’t do that anymore, I just want you to be with me.” For me, I feel like it’s amazing for me having done porn because I’m honest, I don’t lie anymore, I don’t cheat anymore, I tell you what it is and if you don’t like it, we will move on. It makes me a better person to have a relationship with than what I was before porn.
On Sex Off-Camera
DD: In porn, there’s people around me, so it’s not as comfortable and it doesn’t feel as good. So I’m having uncomfortable sex during work, but in my real life I’m like fuck, I can do what I like and what feels really good—I don’t last as long as I do in a movie! So it’s like oh shit, two minutes in, I have to stop for a second, catch my breath!
There’s no time constraints. I can take my time. I’m really into foreplay and all that. I can have more foreplay. If I’m shooting a porn scene, there’s barely any foreplay. We’ll make out for, like, ten seconds, and I’ll suck on a boob and before you know it, we’re having sex. I can really build that intimacy more in my personal life. In a lot of cases, with a lot of companies, I’ll meet the girl I shoot with that day, and I’m having sex with her a half hour later. I’ve got 30 minutes to build some sort of rapport or chemistry and it’s like “where you from?” It’s like speed dating! Or speed-fucking.
JJ: On set, when you do a cumshot, it’s nice, you’re coming and you’re getting paid. But it’s not like at home it’s not like it’s happening from somebody that’s doing it on their own and not getting a paycheck at the end of it. And that’s a big difference, feeling-wise, emotionally-wise, and mentally. It’s that home feeling, like comfort food. Your girl can massage you, tickle you, watch movies with you. On set, it’s a transaction.
AF: On camera, I’m definitely a little bit more selfish. I’m looking to make myself look the best on camera, so I don’t really care about the guy. I expect the guy to come ready. At home, I’m less selfish and more giving just because I know I’m going to receive stuff so I’m happy to show the person I’m with a good time or whatever. Less theatrics. You know, my sheets don’t look like porn sheets after. Pretty clean still.
LS: All my life, I always feel like I go crazy as soon as the camera turns on—even before porn. As soon as you put the camera on me, it becomes a different persona. I want the people watching me to feel what I’m feeling, so I do a little bit extra. When I’m in my house by myself, I don’t act the same way. I know my angles, I know how to look good—the only difference is you don’t care how you look. When you’re on camera, you’re always caring how you look so you’re always thinking about how you’re looking, how they see me, how it feels, when I’m in my personal relationship, I just wanna feel good. That’s the biggest difference.
What’s Most Surprising About Their Sex Lives
JJ: I’m a really good listener. I’m really shy. To be honest, I’m so shy. You’d ask me to go over there and talk to this girl, there’s no fucking way I would do that. Even though it’s really hard to believe. I’m just a regular guy. I’ve met dudes who are club promoters who have had more sex than I did in my personal life. I only have sex if I get paid, and I’m on camera.
AF: I prefer giving blow jobs. I don’t really do anal—that’s like a special thing. And it’s not like a birthday thing, it’s just I had good tequila. You know, the-mood-was-good day. As much as I like double D, I’m pretty straight. Pretty straight and boring at home because it’s with a purpose, so I don’t do the extras like “Let’s have threesomes!” and this and that—it’s pretty standard.
DD: If a girl isn’t in the industry, they’re worried that their sex [with me] will be inadequate. They feel intimidated because the girls I have sex with are professionals. For me, I don’t feel that way. If I’m having sex for the first time, I’ll be nervous, too! Like I need to perform up to a certain level. [But] I don’t want to be having crazy porn star sex and dripping sweat. I’m a normal person in the bedroom. I don’t bring elements of porn to the bedroom.
Even before I got into porn, my style of sex [in my personal life] is still the same. Porn hasn’t really changed that. I wouldn’t even say I learned things in porn when it comes to sex. This is the way it’s always been: I want to do whatever the girl wants to do. I’m such a giver, I’m a pleaser, I’m turned on by whatever turns you on, so my style of sex is very flexible. I can get freaky with it, I can throw you around, choke you, slap you, whatever you want, or we can make out and have missionary sex. Whatever the girl likes, I’m into and I don’t really have a preference either way.
LS: I feel like now, I know what I like. Before, you’re finding what you like so you can come. Porn taught me who I am and what I like and I’m still learning. It not only teaches me what I like but how to be open about it. From my porn in the beginning to my porn now, you can see the confidence of expressing who you are and not to be ashamed of it.