Editor’s note: This story from writer Dana Hamilton originally appeared on Playboy.com in December 2020.
In the immediate aftermath of a messy breakup, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen people bewildered when their offer to stay friends with their ex gets turned down. Though often seen as a “good guy” move, wanting to stay friends after a breakup is anything but. It’s selfish, it’s emotionally manipulative and it’s the easiest way to defer blame. If the other person refuses, they’re seen as petty or rude. “Well, I tried,” the person who offered friendship thinks to themselves. “They’re just being all the things I broke up with them for.” It’s the easiest way to paint someone as childish.
Do you know what the nicest thing to do after a breakup is? The kindest, most compassionate, truly “good guy” move? Giving them space. That means no texts, liking social media posts or watching their Instagram stories (ya creep). Leave them be. Please. I’m begging you.
Sometimes a “meh” relationship fizzles and there’s no harm, no foul. If a relationship has slowly been drifting toward friendship for a while and you mutually decide you’d be better off as friends—and no one feels coerced—go for it. Staying friends doesn’t hurt anyone. But more often than not, this isn’t the case. Breakups suck. The oldest advice in the book for healing a heartbreak is time and space. The best way to deal with all the emotions that have been stirred up, all the pain, is to not constantly be surrounded by reminders of it, even if it’s no one’s fault. If you broke up with someone and you’re still in contact with them—no matter how clear you are about your intentions—you’re fostering hope in them. Hope that it’ll work out, that you’ll change your mind. You’re putting more logs on the fire. It’s cruel. If you don’t want to be with the person, don’t be in contact with them, at least for a while. If you leave any room for hope, the human brain will nourish the hell out of it. That hope will only grow bigger, making the hurt when it ultimately doesn’t work out even worse than if you hadn’t kept an open line of communication in the first place.
This also includes if one person was mostly at fault for a relationship ending. You may think apologizing profusely and sending messages of remorse constantly will be helpful, but trust me: Less is more. Do you know how hard it is to heal from a traumatic event when there are reminders of the thing that caused you pain all around you? It’s nearly impossible.
So if someone blocks you, it’s not a dig or an attempt to hurt you or even a “fuck you.” It’s self-preservation. It’s upholding healthy boundaries. Blocking an ex can be self-care. If you truly want the best for your ex, respect their decision to put some distance between you while they go off and rebuild themselves.Ask yourself: Why do you even want to be friends in the first place? Take a moment to list your friends. How many can you name before your exes? If you don’t have many friends who you haven’t previously dated, isn’t that concerning? Unfortunately, a lot of people attempt to befriend their exes because they realize post-breakup that they don’t have many friends of their own. If you don’t have any friends other than your ex-partner, that’s a big red flag. It’s a problem that needs to be fixed. If your list of friends you haven’t been romantically involved with is short, then maybe work on bolstering that list. C’mon, man. There are 7.6 billion people in the world.
If your list of non-ex friends is long, good! Go reconnect with them. Give those people your energy and attention.
We have this idea that our partner should be our best friend, and sometimes they take on the role of a therapist, a teacher or, worse, a parent. That’s why things often implode and people find themselves looking for the emotional outlet they’ve gone to for years: their partner. Please instead go out and get yourself an actual therapist, because an ex should stay an ex instead of being turned into an emotional dumping ground.
Can you become friends again after a few years when the dust and emotions have settled? Maybe, if both parties are comfortable with it. But when it comes to past lovers, it’s perfectly fine to live by mafia rules. What do Time Warner customer service, Chick-fil-A and all my exes have in common? They’re all dead to me. Because I want them to go on and live their lives.
So let your ex go off and find their person in peace. If you truly love and care about them and want the best for them, don’t give them the “gift” of friendship. Give them the gift of silence.