VP Debate 2024: Bet on a Bloodbath

IMAGO / ZUMA Press Wire / Gage Skidmore
A must-see trainwreck.

Can you imagine something more low stakes than a Vice Presidential debate? It’s usually a contest between two drips who couldn’t cut it at the top of a ticket. The 2024 Vice Presidential race is different though, if only because the vibe between both VP candidates is so stark. Here’s what you can expect from the only VP Debate in 2024.

What Will Happen at the 2024 Vice Presidential Debate?

Imagine, if you will, a well-meaning grandpa and his odious, internet-poisoned grandson. The older gentleman is trying to impart lessons about the importance of hard work, how being neighborly is its own reward, and that women shouldn’t be treated as anything less than equals. Now imagine this grandson retorting with some inscrutable meme about skull shapes he picked up in a groyper Discord. This isn’t just a slice of modern Americana, it’s likely a glimpse of what we will see in tonight’s debate.

Politics aside, the vice presidential candidates are a real goofus and gallant when it comes to likability. On the Democratic side, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz polls better than Senator J.D. Vance by an almost 10 point margin. He knows how to work a crowd, he’s not shy about shaking hands or going in for bear hugs, and he exudes extreme “normal dad.” The kind of dad who’s gotten into at least a couple spats on Steely Dan forums.

And then there’s Vance. An Ivy-league educated reactionary who is suffering from what I like to call John Kerry Disorder. This is an affliction many politicians suffer from that makes their brains shut off anytime they come within 20 feet of a minimum wage worker. Who can forget the cringe-inducing time Vance tried to riff when ordering donuts? It’s the sort of unease you rarely see outside of a Tim Robinson sketch.

Basic human magnetism (and lack thereof) aside, Vance has already admitted to lying to get a point across. Will the moderators of tonight’s debate let him skirt, or will we see them, you know, actually moderate? The first debate was the first one in ages where Donald Trump’s blatant lies got some pushback. Still, I don’t think we’ll see a repeat of the first presidential debate. No, it’s likely going to be far worse.

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My Predictions for Tonight’s Debate

In a post 2016 world, political debates just don’t have moments anymore. Lloyd Bentsen’s “Senator, you’re no Jack Kennedy,” slam at Dan Quayle feels quaint now, doesn’t it? There’s far too much meat, and not enough vegetables nowadays, if you catch my drift. Considering this, and considering the candidates on stage, I predict nothing short of a shellacking.

Imagine the instability and irritability that Trump brings to the party with none of his quick-as-a-whip charisma. Consider Walz answering a normal question about IVF, while his opponent, red-faced with rage, does his best to smother his weird (and occasionally, evil) opinions. I don’t use that word lightly. If you ever want to treat yourself to some true psychosis, fire up the old Google machine and type “J.D. Vance Women” and hit enter.

Coach Walz is no stranger to pressure. He’s probably watched the first debate more than a handful of times. And all he really has to do tonight is stand, smile, offer normal answers to normal questions, and maybe even land a few folksy barbs. What’s Vance’s strategy? Double down on the crazy? Try and do his best to not be the man he sees in the mirror? Not lie?

I’d advise him to go easy on the mascara, because there’s a good chance we’ll see it run.

When is the VP Debate 2024?

The first and only Vice Presidential 2024 debate will air on CBS at 9 p.m. EST. on October 1. It will air on CBS, but you can also catch a livestream on Paramount+ and any platform where CBS News is streamed.

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