Editor’s note: This question about a sexual appetite conundrum comes from the inbox of Cate Osborn, frequent Playboy contributor and Playboy Club creator. We highly recommend you follow Cate on Instagram for more of her wisdom.
Q: My girlfriend keeps asking for more intimacy. I do my best to satisfy her, but sometimes, I’m not in the mood (I work late shifts). Even on the weeks where we have sex -a lot-, she says that she needs more intimacy from me, and that sex is just one type of intimacy. I get frustrated because sex is the most intimate thing we do together and don’t know what else she wants. Do you have any suggestions on how I can improve? I love her so much, but I feel like there’s something I’m missing.
Cate Osborn: Your girlfriend is right- there are many, many types of intimacy. You’re also right- sex is a way that we share intimacy, but it’s not *the singular* way. You’re not alone in your conflation of the two- many, many, many people in the world combine sex and intimacy into one thing, which can impact how we relate and communicate with each other.
Sex is an intimate act in so much as consensual sex requires both parties to have the mutual A) desire to engage with the other person’s genitals, and B) trust that they are not endangering themselves (or you) in the act. One-night stands, casual sex, friends with bennies, swinging, sex parties– you don’t have to be deeply in love with somebody for sex to be enjoyable.
Sex can be a way we share intimacy, trust, say “I trust you not to hurt me”, “I want to feel myself connected to you in this way”, “this is what my butthole looks like, hope you still find me desirable”, but it can also be casual, mechanical, for the physical release, or even just because it seems fun.
Deep relational intimacy, on the other hand, is not something you can create overnight. Intimacy is built slowly, over time, like a pearl, days and days and years and years of shared experiences and references and inside jokes. Intimacy is vulnerability. To be vulnerable, we must open ourselves up, we must speak our truths and our real desires and show our honest selves. It is knowing the deep nooks and crannies of not just a person’s body, but their heart, their brain, their belief system, what has shaped them and formed them, what they need, what they want, what they desire, how they think and why they think it.
This is not to condemn new relationships as less-than or lacking intimacy, because just as intimacy takes time to build, there are also many, many long-term relationships where intimacy doesn’t exist. Perhaps it has eroded over time, taken for granted, assumed, or maybe it was injured long ago and those hurts never healed. Perhaps there was never intimacy, only surface level connection and a commitment to staying together because of the kids.
This is because intimacy is a specific skill that, for many people, is not widely modeled either at home or at school. Intimacy can only be achieved through intentionality- it is relatively impossible to be intimate by accident (chronic oversharing does not count as intimacy). We have to choose to be present and to open ourselves up. For others, the act of *receiving* intimacy, being present with vulnerability and truth can be scary and revealing and uncomfortable – again, this is a skill to be practiced.
To break it down further, there are different types of intimacy past “non-sexual” or “emotional” intimacy. Some that are commonly defined by relationship experts are:
Emotional Intimacy
The ability to openly share feelings, thoughts, and vulnerabilities. When we are able to do this, we feel accepted and understood, which creates a stable foundation on which the relationship can continue to build.
Physical Intimacy
This is important: Non-sexual physical closeness, like hugs, cuddling, and gentle touches. Being able to touch and connect with your partner without the pressure or expectation of it leading to sex is imperative for creating a sense of comfort, value and being cared for.
Intellectual Intimacy
This one is for my burnt-out gifted kids: intellectual intimacy focuses on sharing ideas, conversations, and thoughts without fear of judgment. If we can be open-minded and discuss opinions, interests, and beliefs with our partner, we foster trust and understanding. (PS: art museum dates are a *great* conversation starter).
Experiential/Creative Intimacy
This is why some book clubs and DnD tables last longer than marriages: when we bond through shared activities, hobbies, or experience, we build a shared lexicon and worldview. Working together on something, whether it be to create, discuss or to problem solve, builds intimacy.
Spiritual Intimacy
Spiritual intimacy isn’t about religion, per say, it’s about connecting over shared beliefs, values, and practices that align with our sense of purpose. Yes, going to church together counts, but so do other spiritual and mindfulness practices that open up conversations about larger purpose and our connection to the world and each other.
Sexual Intimacy
This is the intimacy that you’re talking about, dear reader-when we experience sexual activities and the deep connection that often accompanies a *healthy* sexual relationship.
Social Intimacy
The sense of comfort and belonging that comes from sharing a social circle or participating in shared social activities.
Communication Intimacy
This involves both verbal and nonverbal forms of open, honest communication. Each partner feels heard and understood.
Financial Intimacy
Financial intimacy is about transparency and alignment on money matters- comfortably discussing financial goals, spending, and saving habits. This type of intimacy ensures that couples are on the same page regarding financial planning, decisions and goals.
You might consider bringing these up to your girlfriend and asking her which areas she’d like to focus on, or where she feels the least connected. You might be surprised at what you learn.
If you’re stumped on where to start on a sex-free intimate date night, I recommend grabbing a game like “We’re Not Really Strangers”, “Let’s Get Closer”, or “The Intimacy Card Deck”. These games come preloaded with thought provoking questions and conversation starters that can bring you closer together. If you want to read more, the book I recommend most often for clients struggling with this topic is The Art of Receiving and Giving by Betty Martin. Martin details specific exercises and practices that help with both giving and receiving intimacy, as well as learning to answer the question “What do I really want?”
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