For a romantic relationship to stand the many tests of time, the dynamics should be viewed as a marathon rather than a sprint. One of those long-term challenges is sustaining monogamous intimacy. To answer that question, PLAYBOY reached out to some experts on how couples can rekindle bedroom fire.
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There’s no denying that sex life is a key cog in compatibility. To further elaborate, Vanessa Marin, a licensed psychotherapist specializing in sex therapy, spoke to us on multiple approaches to enhance intimacy between you and your significant other.
If you’re unfamiliar, Vanessa and her husband Xander moonlight as content creators — maintaining a fan base north of a million followers across Instagram, TikTok and YouTube — in the relationships space. Not only is the Marins’ material very relatable, it’s also quite informative.
Rekindling Bedroom Fire
Express gratitude for each other
“Research has found that gratitude is the number-one predictor of marital satisfaction. And what I love about gratitude is that it’s free, it’s fast, it’s easy, it feels good to both give and receive. Just take that time to call out something specific that you appreciate about your partner. Let them know that you see them and that you’re really grateful for them. It’s so fast, but it makes such a big impact.”
Normalize making eye contact
“It’s really sad how little eye contact couples in long-term relationships make. Some of us don’t even take that extra second to look up and make eye contact when our partner enters the room. Eye contact is actually a very powerful way to show and experience intimacy with your partner. And what I love about this one again is that it’s so easy, simple, fast and free—we can all do it. Take that time to make a little more eye contact and give them a smile. Pair it with the aforementioned gratitude. Look them in the eyes while you are showing your appreciation. When a lot of people hear the idea to make more eye contact, they think it means you need to soulfully gaze into each other’s eyes for 10 minutes at a time, and that’s just awkward. You don’t need to do it that long—only a few seconds. From there, making eye contact during intimacy can make it feel so much more romantic. A lot of couples actually close their eyes or look away from each other. Simply opening your eyes can make a big difference.”
Read More: How Would Dating Work if Money Did Not Exist?
Incorporate more non-sexual touch
“Many couples in long-term relationships have touch starved relationships. We tend to make this connection that touch leads to sex. So, a lot of us stop touching each other, and really only do so as an initiation to sex or during sex itself. This can take all of the romance out of the relationship. It leaves you feeling like you are roommates rather than romantic partners. So, bring back more touch into the relationship. And this is touch just for the sake of touch—it’s not to initiate sex. It’s just to enjoy that physical contact. Try little things like holding hands and giving hugs. I love a 30-second hug! We actually have research showing that’s the actual time frame that our bodies need to release oxytocin, which is the “love hormone.” It creates a sense of bonding and connection between partners. A fun way to play with this is to ask your partner, ‘What are your three favorite places to be touched?’ And find out what specific ways they like to be touched in those places. That will give you really great information about your partner.”
Something to Keep in Mind
Vanessa provides many fantastic points that any relationship can apply. To improve the experience, many of her suggestions can be implemented without putting a dent in your bank accounts (in a world where the price of virtually everything seems to be up, up, up).
No shocker, but communication is vital here. Having conversations with your partner about what they are and aren’t sexually comfortable is important if you want the relationship to succeed long-term.
Never forget that you are with your person because you love them and they love you—really, that’s the first sign that “you know it’s real.” With that, you should be enjoying and loving each other like it’s your last day on Earth. Open your eyes. Smell the roses of life.
If you have someone good and true, be grateful and cherish that. To quote Jefferson Airplane, and especially in times of uncertainty like now, “You better find somebody to love.”
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