There are certainly right ways and wrong ways to approach intimacy. Fortunately for all, research into this has greatly expanded over recent decades, and brilliant professionals like Dr. Kate Balestrieri are spearheading the effort.

PLAYBOY Magazine is back! Order your copy HERE

Dr. Balestrieri is a certified sex therapist and psychologist fighting the good fight. The doctor’s journey has taken her from Illinois to California and beyond. Along the way, she’s authored multiple books on relationships and compatibility while also founding her digital practice.

PLAYBOY’s Gabriel Santiago caught up with Dr. Kate to learn more about her and see what we can glean from her wisdom. She’s contributed genuine advice to us previously, and she was enthusiastic here to dive a little deeper.

PLAYBOY: Let’s start at the beginning—where were you born & raised?

Balestrieri: I was born in Appleton, Wisconsin and raised there until I was 20. Then I moved to Chicago for almost 15 years before moving to LA.

PLAYBOY: What inspired you to become a professional in the relationships space?

Balestrieri: I got my start in the field of psychology by working in prisons with convicted sex offenders. What I noticed is that they really had a lot of deficits when it came to holding real, intimate relationships. That was a big part of what facilitated their behavior. So, when I decided to move away from working in the prisons into private practice, I wanted to focus on helping people have healthy relationships and having a better sexual relationship. I saw that that was really important for people’s well-being, but also really important in the prevention of sexual violence.

PLAYBOY: Whether in college or vocationally, what was the most interesting class/course/seminar you’ve taken on your journey to becoming a sex therapist?

Balestrieri: The most interesting courses that I’ve ever taken have all been on human sexuality because they opened up for me this infinite landscape of understanding the human condition. Sexuality is a really fascinating vehicle to understand who we are. I think early in my career, it just opened up a wellspring of possibilities in terms of how to specialize, but also how to understand humans.

PLAYBOY: Tell me about your book What Happened to My Sex Life?

Balestrieri: This book is a labor of love. Its genesis started when I began recognizing different themes in my practice. Working with folks really helped me understand some of the biggest barriers between people and the desire they wanted to cultivate in their life. So, this book is really a love letter to self. It’s about understanding that it’s helping people to comprehend some of the things going on within them or within their relationships that are getting in the way of them having the sex lives that they want, and helping them find a path back.

“Sexuality is a really fascinating vehicle to understand who we are.”

PLAYBOY: What are some tips for couples looking to have sex more often?

Balestrieri: This is going to sound really unsexy and when I say it, people inevitably cringe, but start scheduling time for intimacy! I don’t mean schedule time to have sex, but schedule time together so that you have the possibility for intimacy to cultivate. That would be the first thing.

From there, maintain a sense of eroticism in your own body. That can happen through paying attention to your own sensuality, as in your own senses and your experience of pleasure on a sensory level. When you maintain a relationship with your own sensuality, you’re able to sort of be in that headspace and somatic space more readily. That comes across with your partners, too.

PLAYBOY: Everyone loves risk, but safety plays an integral role in a relationship. Care to expand on this thought?

Balestrieri: I love this question so much. Safety and risk are two sides of the same coin, after all. In order to feel the thrill of risk, we ultimately need to feel safe in our context, our body or in the relationship that we’re playing in.

Risk allows us to access different neurochemicals in the body, like adrenaline and dopamine. That’s really an accelerant for most people—too much and it can really quell arousal and excitement.  But when we enter into risk from a place of volition, there’s inherent safety there, so figuring out how much risk to lean into really depends on how much trouble or how much risk can I tolerate. That requires safety and trust in oneself with a partner, or in the environment that you’re taking the risk in!

When we talk about risk in sex, I often work with couples on first establishing a sense of safety and trust with each other across many domains of their relationship. That allows them to really open up to taking the kinds of sexual risks that require vulnerability, and really engender a lot more pleasure.

PLAYBOY: What are some things men do that give women the “ick”?

Balestrieri: Everyone’s “icks” are a little different, but some of the more universal ones are deception. We really just want you to be authentic. I think a lot of men overcompensate for feelings of insecurity by performing a persona—and women feel the inauthenticity of that and it really creates a lack of trust, which translates into the ick right in their bodies.

The other thing that I hear the most frequently is being overly sexual in a way that feels objectifying and dehumanizing. Now, everyone wants to feel desired, but most folks want to feel like a human as they’re being desired.

PLAYBOY: The United States just underwent a notable presidential change. Can we expect politics to trickle into dating culture?

Balestrieri: The short answer is “absolutely.” In fact, no matter who’s in office, there will be ripple effects in our dating culture and relational culture.

Particularly with this administration, I think we’re going to see some pretty seismic shifts around how people perceive both safety in their relationship and safety with their finances. When “happily ever after” is involved, we’re also talking about financial plans, choices to bring children into the world, health care, job security and more. These decisions are all going to really be influenced by this administration, and that’s definitely going to change the way people seek or don’t seek relationships during this time.

PLAYBOY: In 2025, what can PLAYBOY readers expect to see from you?

Balestrieri: I own a therapy practice with therapists across the country called Modern Intimacy. People can expect us to continue to expand, offering more accessibility nationwide.

Also in 2025, look for a lot more information about sex, more courses and accessible content, much more conversation about my book and how to cultivate desire across the lifespan, across context and probably some commentary on what’s going on politically.

Read more: Am I Too Picky?