Consider The Crab

Among the things that get laid in March are the eggs of many North American birds.

Not only are the birds exhilarated by the first clay of spring, but bees start buzzing, crocuses begin to pop, frogs begin to croak and young men's fancies lightly turn to thoughts of love.

March is named after the Roman god of war, Mars. It was the most propitious month, the Romans felt, to begin campaigns not only into the battlefields but into the boudoirs as well. The Romans adopted March, not January, as the first month of the year, and as late as the Eighteenth Century many countries observed March 1st as New Year's Day.

March 2nd celebrates the birthday of one of playboy's classical favorites, Francois Rabelais, whose fame does not exclusively depend on the fact that blue-noses have been trying for five hundred years to censor and suppress his writings. Rabelais, a brilliant sensualist, was a devout respecter of the human appetite. He was the man who said, "No clock is more regular than the belly."

That March comes in like a lion, playboy does not question. But that it goes out like a lamb is open to the gravest doubts. Walk into any frat house after the first day of spring and see howlamb-like the denizens are. Most normal young men will be seen sliding clown bannisters, breaking into liquor closets, dusting off spring suits, while telephones buzz constantly and arrangements are made with the opposite gender for the warm afternoons and evenings ahead.

Leave the frat house and go out to the campus to observe the kind of girl you meet in March. She may look lamblike in the velvety spring air, but let her eyes meet yours and they are at once on what the French call the most intimate terms imaginable. Students of physiology and chemistry as well as students of language all confirm the ancient Latin proverb that, "In spring heat returns to the bones."

The amount of thermal activity which enters our bones during March often has a curious effect on our playing, our eating and drinking. There are many young warriors who, of course, never iose a great deal of incandescence during the winter months and in whom the added spring heat has the effect of fanning normal fire into wildfire. Plain desire becomes a fever, sometimes called spring fever, and normal appetites grow into gluttony.

A prominent symptom of this kind of spring delirium is the desire for change including a change in diet. It is apparent in the fellow who not only wants to make love but must make it in half-a-dozen different ways. If his Cadillac needs a painting, he eschews the ordinary blues and reds, and paints it the color of wild flaming orchids.

When he takes his wench out to eat, he insists on travelling to the most different, the most unique eating place in the state. Not for this lathered up stripling are ordinary shrimp or roast beef or pie. No, indeed. He is deter-mined to travel two hundred miles if necessary to find that eatery noted for its Polynesian sheep's brains with jellied liver sauce. "We must have some-thing really different," he says as with sweating brow he jerks the menu out of the waiter's hands and begins to pore over the long list of piéces de résistance.

He shakes his head dubiously at dish after dish until he finally comes to an item that awakens his interest – Piroshki Stroinska. "What's that?" he asks, his face wreathed in a frozen March smile. When the waiter explains that it's merely a Paté a Fonceein the shape of a turnover filled with cepes, truffles, duckling, basil and chervil, the young blade says, "Oh, the same old stuff! I thought it (continued on page 30) Crab continued from page 27 was something different. Give us some breast of guinea hen sous cloche and get it over with."

This type of whooped up wastrel rushes through his guinea hen, his salad and his savory. The fact that the lassie opposite him prefers to linger over sauces and dream into her Benedictine does not retard him one bit. He gulps down his Drambuie as though it were a patent medicine and then drags his girl from the table and drives back home at ninety an hour.

The next night he does not even bother to take her to dinner but rushes the girl directly to his apartment. There, the bewildered darling discovers that his springtime restlessness extends even into the realm of amorous dalliance. Almost before she knows what's happened, he's donned his clothes and is announcing, "We'll now have something to eat. I know a restaurant where they make the damndest Iranian Kufta you've ever tasted."

The girl, at this juncture, can only utter that singularly distinctive expression whose clarity has never been sullied:

"You can go to hell."

Dumbfounded, he sputters, "And where will you go?"

"I'm going to Kelly's seafood restaurant at the corner."

Her sudden assertiveness chagrins the super-charged Romeo and he follows the girl to Kelly's. Before he has a chance to argue with the waiter, the girl says, "I'm going to have a plain crabmeat salad with mayonnaise."

It's the kind of simple direct choice that no man can argue with. He orders the same thing. There isn't much delay because crabmeat salad can be assembled in a minute or two. Only when he tastes the icy cold jumbo lumps of light crabmeat, as tangy and refreshing as the coolest March breeze, does sanity return. He experiences the feeling of enjoying life and not merely chasing it. There's something about the texture of crabmeat that is indescribably perfect. It is a food worthy of the first day of spring. It is neither as firm as meat or poultry nor as soft as fish. It has a subtlety of flavor which almost forces you to eat it slowly in order to appreciate its delicate deep sea tang. It has a kind of luxurious after taste that compels you to scrape the salad bowl or casserole for fear of losing a single flake of its goodness.

If Kelly's waiter knows his crab lore, he can hold the playmates spellbound as he regales them with stories about the life of the short tailed crustacean.

For instance, there are the great king crabs of the northwest. It is during this month that millions of female crabs start to leave their bed and board at the bottom of the North Pacific to slowly scramble toward the warm shore water for you know what.

A few weeks later the male crabs follow the female. At first they scout around hunting for a suitable mate. The giant six foot, six legged bachelors go through a rhythmic dance to catch the eyes of their chosen ones. If male and female crabs feel that they are compatible, they hold hands. Then the conquering male carries his intended bride about for three to seven days for all the other deep sea playboys to admire.

This ceremony makes it legal. Thanks to this great yearly formality now taking place we can enjoy at our tables the heavenly flavor of Alaskan crab meat all year long.

Ex-servicemen who spent some time around Australia's Great Barrier Reef will never forget the first time they saw armies of Aussie crabs lining up in mass formation, one row after the other, like companies on a parade ground. The whole group moves in unison, wheels to the right or left. Now and then you'll see a single squad in line formation marching in perfect discipline.

If a human invasion moves near, these West Pointers of the sand break into fast retreat, climbing pell mcll over one another's backs. A dress parade review is all right, they figure, but if there is danger of their being converted into baked deviled crabs, they forget their military etiquette and disappear by burying themselves in the sand until peace reigns over all.

Other crabs are known for their high I. Q. Take the crabs of the Canton Island in the Pacific for example. These clever crustaceans shortly after birth crawl into sea shells which fit the unprotected rear part of their bodies per-fectly. The fore part of the crab is hard and needs no protection. As long as they live, they crawl around with the small shell fixed like a trailer to their posterior. As the crabs grow older and bigger they find larger shells to serve as armor plate.

Fight fans love the pugilist crabs of the British Samoan islands. These hardy boys spar, jump, feint and then cut loose with rights and lefts that literally knock out their opponents. For boxing gloves, Samoan crabs use small anemones, one held in each of their claws. The sea anemones in this part of the world are equipped with sting cells which are discharged upon contact with an enemy. If you approach one of these crabs, he'll try to ward you off at first, but if you insist on coming closer he'll let go with a round-house blow that will send you flying in three directions at once. This may be hard for you but it's very easy for a crab who can walk forward, backward or sideways with equal ease.

The shell which a crab wears is a hard substance that cannot stretch. As the crab grows, its body tissue becomes too large for the shell to contain it. The crab then throws off its old shell and grows a new one. In the interim period, before the crab acquires a new suit of armor, the crab is known as a soft shell crab – one of summertime's greatest seafood delicacies.

Catching, boiling and cleaning a crab is a complex and bothersome business. For this reason almost every fish or seafood store sells crabmeat freshly boiled, ready for the table. Fresh crabmeat is put up in cans which are not hermeti-cally sealed. The meat thus processed has no tinny flavor and is a wonderful food for bachelor boys or girls who love light but sophisticated fare.

The most popular crabmeat is taken from Atlantic coast blue crabs. The best quality is called jumbo lump. Smaller pieces are sold under the name of crab flakes.

From the Pacific northwest coast comes the famous king crabmeat put up in frozen packages or in cans. The individual pieces of meat are larger than the Atlantic coast crabmeat but the flavor is not as sweet or delicate as the eastern variety. Japan also packs crabmeat in cans. The pieces of meat are large but they must be broken in order to remove the small thin cartilage inside the meat.

When buying freshly boiled crabmeat be sure it does not have an off-odor or fishy odor or does not feel sticky. The best quality is free of small pieces of bone, shell or cartilage. When you buy fresh crabmeat ask the clerk to open the can and dump the meat to inspect it. It's an old fisherman's custom to sometime pack big lumps on the top and smaller flakes on the bottom.

Crabmeat is a perishable food and should be kept under refrigeration at all times. It should not be held more than a day or two in your refrigerator. At seafood stores fresh crabmeat is kept packed in cracked ice until sold.

For the beginning of the vernal season, playboy recommends the following easy-to-prepare crabmeat dishes. Before serving any crabmeat dish be sure your refrigerator carries a cargo of dry beer or ale.

Crabmeat Cocktail

In a small mixing bowl combine % cup catsup, 2 tablespoons horseradish, l/2 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce, 2 dashes tabasco sauce, juice of a quarter lemon and 1/8 teaspoon celery salt. Mix well. Chill thoroughly.

Examine 1 pint freshly cooked crabmeat to remove any pieces of shell or cartilage. Line 4 champagne glasses or 4 fruit cocktail glasses with lettuce leaves. Divide the crabmeat among the 4 glasses. Pour the cocktail sauce on top. (Serves 4)

Crabmeat Salad

Cut into l/4 inch squares enough celery to make 1 cup. Put the celery into a large mixing bowl with 1 quart of freshly cooked crabmeat. Add 1 tablespoon vinegar and 1 tablespoon lemon juice. Add cup mayonnaise, 1/4 cup chili sauce, 1 teaspoon salt, 1/4 teaspoon pepper, 14 teaspoon celery salt and 1 tablespoon grated onion. Toss all ingredients lightly using a salad spoon.

Line 4 dinner plates with lettuce leaves or leaves of romaine. Spoon the salad into the center of the plates. Cut two hard boiled eggs into quarters. Place two quarters of egg on each salad plate. Place two wedges of fresh tomato on each salad plate, alternating hard egg and tomato. Garnish each plate with extra large ripe olives.

To make avocado and crabmeat salad use 1 pint of diced avocado and 1 pint (continued on page 43) (continued from page 30) of freshly cooked crabmeat instead of 1 quart of crabmeat. For those who like straight mayonnaise, omit chili sauce and add 2 tablespoons sweet cream before tossing salad. Chopped chives, if available, may be used in place of grated onion. (Serves 4)

Crabmeat Cakes

Pick over carefully one thirteen-ounce can of crabmeat or 3/4 pound of freshly boiled crabmeat, removing any bones, cartilage or pieces of shell. Separate yolks and whites of 3 eggs. Beat yolks well with a rotary egg beater or wire whip. Gradually add 3 tablespoons flour to yolks, beating well. Add I tablespoon grated onion, 1/2 teaspoon salt, 1/8 teaspoon pepper and 1/2 teaspoon dry mustard. Add crabmeat, mixing well.

Beat the 3 egg whites until stiff and fold into mixture with a U-shaped motion, bringing the mixing spoon down, over and up in order to keep egg whites light.

Melt vegetable shortening in a heavy frying pan to a depth of 14 inch. Drop crabmeat mixture by tablespoons into hot fat. Keep portions uniform. Brown lightly on both sides. Drain on absorbent paper. If cakes become cool, they may be placed in a preheated oven for2 or 3 minutes just before serving. Serve with hot tomato sauce, using 1 eight-ounce can or serve with cold tartar sauce. (Serves 4 – 5)

Baked Deviled Crabs

Ask the fish dealer, when you buy the crabmeat, for 4 crab shells. If he does not have them, you may use 4 very large clam shells or 4 small casseroles.

Chop 1 medium size onion very fine. Place the onion in a saucepan with 2 tablespoons butter or vegetable fat. Heat, stirring frequently, until onion turns yellow. Add 2 tablespoons flour mixing well. Remove pan from flame. Gradually add 1/2 cup of hot milk, stirring well. Return to a small flame. Cook, stirring frequently for 4 minutes. Add 2 cups of cooked fresh crabmeat or canned crabmeat. Add 1 tablespoon chopped parsley, 3/4 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon pepper mustard and 1/2 teaspoon dry mustard. Mix well.

Add 2 unbeaten egg yolks. Continue to cook, stirring constantly until mixture is very thick. Remove pan from the fire. Chill the mixture in the re-frigerato runtil it is quite cold.

Place the crabmeat mixture into the 4 crab shells or large clam shells. Sprinkle with fine bread crumbs. Sprinkle lightly with paprika. Sprinkle lightly with salad oil. Bake in a hot over, 450 degrees, 15-20 minutes or until crumbs are brown. (Serves 4)