How to Handle Your Advertising Agency

From 'How to Succeed in Business without Really Trying,' Copyright, 1952, by Shepherd Mead, Published by Simon & Schuster, Inc.

Most businesses must advertise, and therefore -- whether you like it or not! -- you may be forced at one time or another to come in contact with an advertising agency.

You have only to read current fiction to know that all agencies are made up of people of low moral fiber. They would naturally drift into this business with its promises of quick, easy money, its tinseled glamour, and its appeal to the primitive human instincts.

Be on your guard!

Beware of "Creative" People

Advertising agencies are forced to hire so-called "creative" people. They are artists, writers, musicians, radio and television directors, and the like.

They are sure to give you trouble.

It may look as though they are thinking about your problem, but they are not. The writers are thinking about the books they plan to write exposing advertising (and probably you); the artists are wondering if they could earn a living making batiks or painting sweet peas on teacups; and the musicians are mentally inserting you into a tone poem as a discordant squeal.

You will find it difficult even to speak their language.

The agency has tried to make it easy for you by keeping you away from these people. It has provided keepers or overseers called Account Executives. They are hired for their rugged good looks, their flair for wearing clothes, and their skill -- sometimes brutal but always effective -- in handling creative people.

They know exactly how far an artist or writer will bend without breaking.

Make them your friends! Profit by their experience! They will be "your kind of people."

Fight Fire with Fire. If worse should come to worst, however, and you are forced into direct contact with "creative" people, it is best to fight fire with fire.

Use their own weapons against them. Some useful devices are: the falsetto scream, the threat of suicide, the threat of taking away their pencils or colored crayons, and the tantrum.

The tantrum, when used to combat the "creative tantrum" is usually termed a counter-tantrum.

Copy Writing is Easy

The agency will try to make you believe that the preparation of advertising copy is a mysterious and artistic process. In fact, among the writers of magazine advertisements you may find some old duffers who even think the writing itself is important. Do not be misled.

"This is for plain people, ain't it?"

"Yes, Mr. Finch."

"And I'm plain people, ain't I? Come in here Miss Jones and I'll dictate how this oughta read."

(Note the carefully studied "down-to-earth" language, so effective against fussy writers.)

Generally speaking, however, it is best not to get too close to the actual writing. The best way is to have the agency people spread the ads out on the floor. If the agency is on its toes, the layouts should cover a nine by twelve rug. Keep them on the floor, don't get too close to them. It's the overall impression that counts.

"Uh, I like that one."

"The up and down one, Mr. Finch?"

"No, that one on the end."

"That's the brief case, Mr. Finch."

"Simple, that's what, simple!" (Never retreat!) "Doesn't look so busy."

Since copy writers are often lazy and slovenly, it is best never to show approval, and yet -- this is important -- never to tell them exactly what you want, which would be doing their work for them. Your attitude must always be one of deep and unsatisfied yearning. Some good phrases for use in this connection are:

"You oughta noodle this around some more."

"It isn't punched up enough. What it needs is more sock."

"You oughta countersink the idea."

"Oh, I like it, it just doesn't reach out and grab me."

"Now this isn't copy, but -- "

Many men, by doing little more than repeating these magic phrases or simple variations of them, have risen rapidly to posts as advertising managers, and some have even been hired, at fantastic salaries, by the agencies themselves.

Be a Showman

As a businessman you are lucky indeed to be alive in this day and age. In father's time the man of commerce spent his dreary days in the drab round of buying and selling.

Not so today.

With the rise of television the businessman finds himself firmly in the saddle as America's Number One Showman, determining the entertainment for the masses, who are also his customers.

This is a great opportunity -- and a big responsibility, too.

Don't Be a High-Brow. Leave fancy theatre stuff and long-hair music to the high-brow newspaper critics. Your duty is to the masses.

Remember, there are a hundred real typical people for every high-brow.

Use the Bridge Test. Try this handy rule of thumb! If your wife can "get the point" while playing bridge, the show is okay. If not, don't spare the rod. Keep the entertainers pepped up. Call them up first thing the morning after the broadcast.

"Hello, hello, this is Mr. Finch!"

"Huh, whazzat?"

"Wake up, man! I've been up for hours! Got to get up early in this business!"

"Uh, yes, Mr. Finch!"

"Listen, you boys have gotta give this show a hypo!"

"Didn't you like it, Mr. Finch?"

"Stank! Wanta know what my wife said to me right after it was over?"

"What, Mr. Finch?"

"She said she didn't get it! She didn't get it, man, and part of the time she was dummy! Gave her almost undivided attention. We want a whole new deal next week."

"Well, uh, next week's script is all written."

"Throw it out! What are we paying those writers for?"

Keep on pepping them up like this, and pretty soon you'll have the show whipped into shape. The show people may grumble, but they'll thank you in the end.

Be a Television Expert. It is your duty to lead the way, and you can only do this by being an expert. Be one!

You can accomplish this easily, as so many smart businessmen have before you, after a few hours of keen application.

You need not concern yourself with the technical, or gadgety, phase. There are lots of little men around to take care of that.

Just learn a few simple phrases like "dolly," "pan," "super," and "cut." You will find it is easy -- and mighty satisfying, too -- to throw them around and work them into the conversation.

It is better not to know what these phrases mean. Use them freely. You will soon be regarded as a man to reckon with.

Know Your Public Relations

Only after you have hardened yourself with long exposure to advertising men should you enter the still blacker morass of public relations. Dignified as it sounds under this euphonious title, you will be dealing with publicity and with press agents.

These fellows, you will soon discover, are a breed of desperate, hard-drinking men, many of whom have been driven out of the more respectable fields of advertising and journalism by outraged colleagues, and -- more often than not -- by their own love of loose living. Some of them, it is true, are actually employed by advertising agencies, but are usually kept on separate floors, or are otherwise insulated from the regular employees.

Yet you will have to "play ball" with these men, may even have to maintain some personal contact with them, distasteful as this may be. They will be furnishing you with a valuable commodity -- publicity -- which is essentially advertising you don't have to pay for. That is, it is not paid for in a formal, well-regulated way, but rather on a basis of threats, bribery, and the use of strong drink and loose women.

The publicity man will claim that his stock in trade is Ideas, but it will soon be apparent where the real thinking comes from.

"Uh, Red, here's something the American people are really ready for."

"Yes, Mr. Finch."

"It's got a real news value, this new double sprocket wicket of ours. Now my idea is, why not just get us a three-or four-page spread of pictures in Life on it, okay?"

He has nothing left to do but have the pictures taken, fix up some little "angle," and get it in the magazine.

Some day you may even be called upon to make a personal sacrifice. After you have reached a position of true eminence, you yourself may be the subject of personal publicity. When such a time comes, remember to put aside your own feelings of modesty. The good of the company is at stake.

"Red, uh, this picture of me. I'm not thinking of it personally, but you know newspaper reproduction."

"We retouched it, Mr. Finch."

"Just thought this one might be a better likeness. May be ten, twelve years old, but you can see I haven't changed."

They will write personal "blurbs" about you, too. Watch these carefully. It will be your duty to see that they are modest, factual, and easy to read.

"I just changed this part, Red, where it says 'one of the men who originated the double sprocket wicket' to 'the man who.' Makes it read better, don't you think?"

You will find generally that the time you take with advertising and publicity men is well spent. Just remember that a gulf will always exist between their ways of life and yours. Keep it there. Maintain your own moral standards at all times, regardless of your associates.