Hollywood Horizontal

Hollywood executives say that "vertical" or "sitting-up" writing is a bugaboo invented by screenwriters, who pretend that their work suffers unless they are allowed to do their thinking lying down. The following dossier was removed by Mr. Hargrove from the confidential files of William T. Orr, executive producer, Warner Brothers TV. "All of the letters and memoranda," Mr. Hargrove informs us, "are believed to have come from the same typewriter, an ancient model such as is usually palmed off on scriptwriters. The few longhand missives show marked similarities in their calligraphy."

To: Mr. William T. Orr

From: Mr. Marion Hargrove

Subject: New Directions in, Contemporary Writing

Reverend and Dear Sir:

I have been grievously concerned by recent complaints that my writing is becoming increasingly vertical. In the language of the layman, this means that it goes rigidly down toward the bottom of the page without ever noticeably broadening out. I am stunned by the charge but unhappily unable to refute it.

Vertical writing is a serious matter up with which we cannot put. It is a disease that must be treated as soon as it becomes apparent. This department is bending every effort to remedy the situation -- to restore its output to a broad horizontal basis -- but it cannot be adequately or permanently remedied unless we strike at its very roots.

The bald fact, sir, is this: Horizontal writing cannot be achieved exce0pt by a horizontal writer. Further, a writer cannot be considered as adequately and productively (concluded on page 36) Hollywood Horizontal (continued from page29) horizontal on a desk-top or on cold linoleum.

Various secondary officials of our little organization have made conscientious and valiant efforts to stamp out creeping verticality by procuring for the writer that indispensable tool of his trade: a couch. It is the writer's understanding that the undertaking has been given the sanction of your office, but has been tied up in committee somewhere down the line, most likely by the people who actually shlep the furniture around.

Whilst I am reluctant (even in a matter of such pith and moment) to use the nasty word "influence," I should appreciate any weight you might see fit to throw in the direction of getting me this traditional prerequisite of my profession.

In the almost immortal words of one of my British colleagues: Give us the tools, and we will do the work.

Marion Hargrove

Mr. William T. Orr, Warner Bros. Television, 4000 Warner Boulevard, Burbank, California

Dear Major Studio Executive:

Is your operation functioning at peak efficiency? Are all the members of your team giving things the full pull? Or are you slowed down by that tired, sluggish feeling that comes of working with Vertical Scripts?

Independent laboratory tests reveal that horizontal writing cannot be achieved by vertical writers. In a fortunately dwindling number of script factories, the writers are still hampered by Tired Blood, blood which is plumb wore out from working its way up to the writer's head. Modern medical science knows but one remedy for this: let the writer lie down from time to time so that the blood can flow sideways.

Try the genuine-lath-and-plaster test. Knock on the wall. If your writer knocks right back at you. that's a sure sign that If he is vertical, you can be sure that you are losing valuable losing valuable man-hours. Give him the sofa that nature requires, and you give him that Extra Surge of Power. You give him the opportunity to give you Horizontal Writing!

Lean back and enjoy that big-studio feeling.

Yours very truly,

Five New York Doctors: Rivkin, Ravkin, Riskin, Ruskin, and Briskin

To: Mr. William T. Orr

From: Mr.Roy Huggins

Subject: Deplorable Conditions

Dear Bill:

I can't sleep at night for thinking of poor old Hargrove sitting in his office all day long, day after day, bolt upringht when he should be lying down thinking.

You know how quiet and uncomplaining he is, and how patient. You know, as well as I, that he would sit in there suffering in silence like some noble beast -- without ever saying a word about the pain in his heart and the fatigue in his backside. He could never bring himself to ask us for the couch he so badly wants and needs.

I am a producer, yes. But I still have a heart. And it is slowly tearing my heart out, having to watch the daily disintegration of this first-class writing machine. Just for the lack of a couch, all of his get up and go seems to have got up and gone. Let us restore it to him before it is too late.

Besides, I am getting tired of his handing me nothing but his goddam Vertical Writing.

Roy Huggins

To: Mr. William T. Orr

From: Miss Marijane Perkins

Dear Mr. Orr, Sir:

I am but a poor secretary, working for a poor writer, but I have my feelings just like you people who have pads on your chairs.

The gentleman I work for is Mr. Hargrove, who as you know is universally respected and loved by we common people. He is a good man. and he tries to do a good job, and he so wants to turn out first class Horizontal Writing like all them big $200 a week writers, who he is every bit as good as -- or would be if he was gave the chance. It is the most pitiful thing you could imagine to watch this poor man pining away all for the lack of one of those crummy Warner Bros. Sofas.

What does $27.50 mean to a big corporation like you?

Respectfully yours, Marijane Perkins

Moose Jaw, Nebr.

Dear Mr. Wm. T. Orr:

I watch Malverik every week, even when it is a cow boy story.

My faverit is Jas. Garner and of course my faverit writer is Marrion Hargrove, just like every body else I guess. He sure can writ. But tell me Mr. Orr. How come is it that just lately his writting seems so god dam verticle.

Maby you have got him working with out a couch ha ha. Please tell me this is not so.

Yours truley, Myrtle Klinefelter

A reminder, block-printed with red crayon, found attached with Scotch tape to Mr. Orr's toilet seat:

Things to do Today:

Arrange for Hargrove's Couch

To: Mr. William T. Orr

From: Miss Joanna Barnes

In the face of mounting unemployment, Sag requests you aid its members seeking employment. Please supply regulation casting couch in office of Marion Hargrove. Thanks awfully.

Joanna Barnes

To: Mr. William T. Orr

From: Mr. E. L. DePatie

Subject: Shortage of Space

The warehouse people are complaining that they are up to their ass in sofas. Is there some way we can dispose of some of them?

E. L. De Patie

To: William T. Orr

From: Mr. J. L. Warner

Subject: Morale

I'd feel a lot better if we could find a couch somewhere for Mr. Hargrove.

Chief

Nyork ABC Burbank Attn Gamson Winchells Column Smorning says Hargrove working at Warners without Couch. Pls check soonest and for Christs sake remedy if true. Have you people never heard of public opinion.

Cordially. Goldenson

To: Mr. William T. Orr

From: Mr. Marion Hargrove

Subject: Personal

Dear Bill:

How very sweet of you.

Your lovely surprise arrived a few minutes ago in the middle of a very busy day, and everyone is so excited and thrilled about it that we are not even going to try to get any more work done this week.

It is a very lovely gift and a perfect fit.

How could you have known that it was a couch that I wanted more than anything in the world?

Yours true friend, Marion Hargrove

P.S. I don't suppose they have any tables around that I could put my ashtrays on?