Fairy Tales for the Jet Set

in which some classic bedtime yarns are devilishly updated

Goldenberg and the Three Behrs

Once upon a time, there were three Behrs -- Edward Behr, Keith Behr, and Wesley Behr. They were brothers, and they lived in adjoining houses in a small town in Connecticut. One morning, an hour after they all caught the 8:03 for Manhattan, a brush salesman named Goldenberg called at Edward's house.

When Edward's beautiful wife opened the door, Goldenberg forgot all about his brushes and started to make love to her. But she was too cold. Feeling insecure because of her seeming indifference toward him, Goldenberg seized his sample case and fled to the house next door.

There he met Keith's wife, who was also very lovely, so he began to make love to her too. But she was too hot. Possessed by a deep-seated fear that he wouldn't be able to satisfy her, Goldenberg grabbed his sample case and went to the next house.

When Goldenberg saw Wesley's comely wife, he made love to her also. And to his delight he found out that she was neither too cold nor too hot, but just right. So he spent the day with her.

That afternoon the three brothers returned from work a little earlier than usual. When Edward noticed that his wife's lipstick was smeared, he ran next door to Keith's house and said to his brother, "Somebody's been making love to my wife."

Keith suddenly noticed that his wife's lipstick was also smeared. So he and Edward ran next door to Wesley's house. "Somebody's been making love to my wife!" cried Keith to Wesley.

The three of them began searching through the house for Wesley's wife, and they finally found her in the master bedroom. She was in what they refer to in nonfairy tales as a compromising position with Goldenberg. "Somebody's been making love to my wife," said Wesley. "And there he is!"

Instead of panicking, Goldenberg calmly got out of the bed, began to dress, and said, "Did I have a day today! First I tried making love to Edward's wife, but she was too cold and I felt insecure with her (at this Edward snickered knowingly). Then I tried making love to Keith's wife, but she was too hot and I felt I couldn't satisfy her (at this Keith smiled inwardly). And then I made love to Wesley's wife, and I found her to be neither too cold nor too hot -- but just right. And very obliging and co-operative too, I might add. Now she is planning to divorce Wesley and leave with me for Australia, where I will open up a brush store."

So Edward and Keith killed him.

Citronella

On The French Riviera there lived a beautiful young rich girl named Citronella. While her stepmother and two stepsisters were running around all the time having fun, Citronella was forced to sit home every day and supervise the staff of 24 household servants.

One day the dashing Duke of Mesmerania decided to throw a beach party at his own private waterway -- the Mediterranean Sea -- and all the fair maidens from miles around were invited to attend. But when Citronella asked to go, her stepmother and stepsisters laughed at her.

"Who ever heard of a household manager going to a beach party?" they said. "Besides, we're all to wear bikinis, and you don't own one. You would look ridiculous in a bikini. Absolutely ridiculous! Nude you look great, but in a bikini...!"

Then they laughed again, put on their bikinis, and went to the party.

Poor Citronella. She had a wardrobe of 135 gowns, but no bikinis. How she cried! How she wanted to go to the beach party!

All of a sudden a handsome young man with stenciled eyebrows and a neat pompadour appeared.

"Who are you?" asked Citronella.

"I am the fairy dress designer," said the young man. "Your stepmother just hired me this morning. I am sorry to see you look so sad. I will make you a bikini so that you can go to the beach party too."

In a flash he removed a bandanna that he wore around his neck, and with the aid of a pair of scissors and needle and thread, he magically transformed it into a cunning bikini.

Bursting with joy Citronella removed her clothes, and while the fairy dress designer looked on indifferently, she put on the bikini.

"You'd better return at 12 o'clock," he warned her, as she prepared to leave.

"Why?" asked Citronella.

"I don't know," he said. "It sounded like a good dramatic thing to say. Actually, as far as I'm concerned, you can stay a week if you like."

What a glorious time Citronella had at the beach party! She danced every dance (continued on page 238)Fairy Tales(continued from page 107) with the Duke. And if you've ever tried dancing on sand you know that that's no mean feat.

At any rate, they did other things besides dance, and as the clock in a nearby tower struck 12, Citronella leaped up from her spot on the blanket next to the Duke.

"Where are you going?" he asked.

"The clock has just struck 12," she said.

"So?" he said.

"I don't know," she replied. "It's just a good dramatic time to leave, that's all. But I'll stay a week if you like."

And she did. Then one night while the Duke was dozing on the blanket, she got up and ran off for home. But unknowingly she had left her bikini behind.

When the Duke awoke he picked up the bikini and said, "Starting tomorrow morning I will visit every home for miles around, if necessary. I must find the girl who fits into this bikini and make her my bride."

Well, the next morning the Duke began his search, but it took a lot longer than he had expected. Because every time a girl removed her clothes to try on the bikini, the Duke paused to spend some time with her.

A famous French surveyor has estimated that considering the pace he's moving at and the direction he's going in, the Duke should reach Citronella's house sometime in the spring of 1994.

Benny-Penny

There was once a nice advertising agency on Park Avenue in New York. All the people who worked there had real names, just as you and I. But as is the custom in many such agencies, they called each other by cute nicknames.

One day an account executive named Benny-penny was taking a coffee break, when the advertising director of Blast Beer, the agency's biggest account, walked unexpectedly into his office. Benny-penny was so nervous at the sight of his client that he spilled his coffee all over the latter's new Italian suit. Whereupon in a fit of pique, the advertising director, a very fastidious man, told Benny-penny that he was switching the account to another agency.

"Dear me," said Benny-penny rushing out of his office, "the Blast Beer account is falling. I must tell the president."

On his way to the president's office, Benny-penny met the account supervisor, Douggie-wouggie. "Where are you going, Benny-penny?" asked Douggie-wouggie.

"I am going to tell the president that the Blast Beer account is falling," said Benny-penny.

"May I come with you?" asked Douggie-wouggie, not a little bit disturbed.

"Certainly," said Benny-penny.

So Benny-penny and Douggie-wouggie went to tell the president that the Blast Beer account was falling.

On their way they met the vice-president, Bobby-wobby. "Where are you going, Benny-penny and Douggie-wouggie?" asked Bobby-wobby.

"We are going to tell the president that the Blast Beer account is falling," said Benny-penny and Douggie-wouggie.

"May I come with you?" asked Bobby-wobby, quite concerned.

"Certainly," said Benny-penny and Douggie-wouggie.

So Benny-penny, Douggie-wouggie and Bobby-wobby went to tell the president that the Blast Beer account was falling.

At last they reached the president's office and burst in. "The Blast Beer account is falling," said Benny-penny, Douggie-wouggie and Bobby-wobby to the president.

Benny-penny then recounted the incident in his office with the advertising director. The president immediately fired Douggie-wouggie and Bobby-wobby for calling on him without making an appointment first. But he promoted Benny-penny to vice-president.

"Be careful how you handle your coffee from now on, Benny-penny," said the president.

"I will, Daddy-waddy," said Benny-penny.

The Enchanted Bullfrog

In a kingdom across the sea there lived a very beautiful princess. One day while she and her younger sister were walking near a swamp, they were attacked by an angry hornet. The princess was very frightened of hornets and threw her arms around her younger sister and began to cry. Suddenly a fat, ugly bullfrog appeared, and with one flick of his tongue he captured the hornet and devoured it.

"Since I saved you from the hornet, will you grant me a wish?" asked the bullfrog.

"Anything, anything," said the grateful princess.

"I would like to go home with you and live in your castle for three months," said the bullfrog.

The princess was a bit upset by the frog's unusual wish, but she agreed. And although the sight and feel of him repelled her, she picked him up and brought him home.

For the next few months, against the wishes of the king, who was puzzled by his eldest daughter's attachment to the frog, the ugly creature lived in the castle.

One day while the princess and her younger sister were strolling on the castle lawn, the bullfrog, who was hopping along beside them, said to the princess, "Today my three months in the castle are up. I am everlastingly grateful to you for your kindness. You may now kiss me, whereupon I will turn into a tall, handsome prince, and we shall be married."

As the princess breathlessly lifted the bullfrog to kiss him, the king appeared and said to her, "What the hell are you doing, Daughter?"

"Father, Father," said the excited princess, "this is an enchanted bullfrog. As soon as I kiss him he will turn into a tall, handsome prince and we shall be married."

"Are you out of your ever-loving mind?" said the king. "This is the 20th Century, girl! We don't believe in fairy tales nowadays!"

But disregarding her father's comments, the princess planted a kiss on the ugly face of the bullfrog, and lo and behold -- nothing happened!

"I can't understand it, Father," said the princess, on the verge of tears. "He told me he was really a prince."

"Oh so now he talks!" said the king.

"Talk to my father," said the princess to the frog. "Please, please talk to him."

"Glump," said the bullfrog.

The king, a severely impartial ruler, had the princess confined to a psycho ward on sodomy charges. She is there to this day.

Meanwhile, the princess' younger sister has taken over as next in line to the throne. She travels with the royal jet set, has a ball with young noblemen, and absolutely panics her friends at parties with her remarkable feats of ventriloquism.