The Playboy Advisor

[Q] This may sound weird to you, but I have a major hang-up about the morning after. If I've spent the night with a girl--or, rather, if she's spent the night at my place--I can't wait to see her leave, preferably at the crack of dawn. I'm grumpy in the morning, not the best company, and I like my privacy. I prefer to shower alone, shave without an audience and generally get my head together. My question is this: Are there any subtle ways to ask a date to leave?--B. V., Chicago, Illinois.

[A] If it's a weekday, tell her you have to be at the office by 7:30. If it's a weekend, and you are hung over and realize that the girl you brought home was an error in judgment precipitated by the same thing that caused your hangover, ask for a medical leave of absence and explain that you have to run down to the corner for some aspirin. Or take her out for breakfast. Actually, she's probably just as eager to abandon your company and get her own chores done. Maybe she wants to go home and change her clothes. (Old adage: If a secretary wears the same clothes two days in a row, she is having an affair. Or she is underpaid.) Be civil. Hell, you can even be honest. Just explain that you need a few hours of privacy to reflect on the glory of the preceding night. She'll understand.

[Q] Since I gained most of my knowledge concerning beer from trial and error at college quaffing sessions, some of the more esoteric facets of the brewmaster's art elude me. For instance, I've heard a lot lately about krausening. Can you tell me what it is and if it produces a better beer?--L. R., Boston, Massachusetts.

[A] Ah, yes. Those sessions in the rathskeller do tend to overlap into the chemistry-lab time, don't they? For those who missed that class, here are the notes: Beer is produced by a process of fermentation. Yeast is the agent used for that fermentation. During the process, carbon dioxide is released, causing the beer to foam and bubble with what we call carbonation. The foamy head on fermenting beer is called the krausen. Now, in most breweries, the CO2 is drawn off, condensed into liquid form and later reintroduced to the brew to give it fizz. However, in the krausening process, a small amount of fermenting beer (wort) is added to the completed brew before aging. This produces a more natural carbonation. As to whether or not it makes the beer taste better, your method of trial and error is about as scientific a one as has been established for determining the facts.

[Q] My girlfriend and I saw a flick called Night Moves, in which Gene Hackman plays a private detective who falls in with a blonde beachcomber. The latter gives a long, very sexy rap on how whenever someone kisses her, her nipples get erect. She is always walking around with erect nipples. Hackman eventually gets pissed at her and yells something like "You and your goddamn erect nipples." A great scene, but it left me wondering. I recall reading that erect nipples are a sign of sexual excitement, but, for the life of me, I can't tell when my girlfriend's turned on. Is there something wrong with her?--T. S., Los Angeles, California.

[A] Probably not. You should stop trying to make mountains out of molehills. Nipple erection is an involuntary response--the smooth muscle fiber within the nipple contracts whenever it is excited. The reaction is most, noticeable on women with average-sized breasts and normal-sized nipples. It is less apparent on larger protruding nipples. Also, Masters and Johnson have noted that small nipples do not have the physiological potential to increase in size. If you want to see what your girlfriend's nipples look like when erect, apply an ice cube. Cold sometimes produces the same response. Now for the next mouth-watering question.

[Q] While in high school, I worked part time in the electronics industry. I picked up a phrase--RCH (red cunt hair)--that was used to describe something very fine or small. I was told that the term originated with radio engineers who would finetune a frequency to an RCH. A friend has questioned my use of the term. Is my recollection correct and is the term still in use?--J. R., Davis, California.

[A] It's obvious that your friend is not of the working class. The use of the term cunt hair to denote the smallest possible measurement known to man is common throughout the working world. It is not exclusive to the electronics industry. Nor is the cunt hair always red. Besides RCH, we've heard BCH (blonde cunt hair), BBCH (blonde or black), BBBCH (blonde, black or brown) and RBBBCH (red, blonde, black or brown). The more colors denoted, the finer the measurement. The origin of the term is unknown. And its future is uncertain: It may, with the introduction of the metric system, be doomed to oblivion.

[Q] Because of the adverse publicity surrounding birth-control pills, my girlfriend switched to a diaphragm. I've heard that those devices can sometimes slip out of position during intercourse--with pregnancy a possible result. Is that true?--L. S., Dallas, Texas.

[A] Dr. Mary E. Lane, writing in Medical Aspects of Human Sexuality, reports that diaphragms can be dislodged during sex. When the vagina expands during the excitement phase, the diaphragm may lose contact with the wall of the vagina and slip away. This mishap is most likely to occur when the woman is on top during lovemaking and her partner keeps losing his place, having to reinsert his penis. But don't be alarmed. Such displacements are rare: If a diaphragm fits snugly and is used properly in conjunction with a spermicidal preparation, the method is 98 percent effective.

[Q] I've heard so many scare stories about American tourists' being detained or incarcerated overseas that I've almost decided to take my vacation in my back yard. Is it so great a problem and what can you do if you get busted?--L. K., Cleveland, Ohio.

[A] The only problem is that some tourists whip through foreign countries as though they're just going from Frontierland to Fantasyland at one of Mickey's amusement parks. This attitude is not only arrogant and insensitive, in some instances it is downright dangerous. Keep in mind that you are a guest and the people you are visiting are intelligent and proud, with their own laws, religion, politics, economics and ideas of proper behavior. For instance, in Latin America, eastern Europe and the Arab and Oriental countries, a suspect is generally considered to be guilty until proven innocent. Note well the subtle difference in thinking there! Sounds like Philadelphia. The rights and privileges you enjoy as an American will evaporate like the morning dew when you wake up on foreign soil. Your affluence, too, could bring more resentment than respect. Normal accouterments such as watches, cameras, calculators and your trusty blue jeans often have wildly inflated value in other countries, especially Communist-controlled countries. If someone makes you an offer you can't refuse, refuse it. You could be arrested for black-marketeering. Avoid decrying dictatorships or clambering over sacred shrines. Suffice it to say, drug trafficking in any form is the quickest way to get a free, permanent vacation in your host country. And you will not like the accommodations. Finally, if you are detained, the American embassy can help, depending on the country, in matters of legalities, recommending counsel, etc. But don't, expect the American eagle to descend and deliver you. In some circumstances, the local consul may not even be able to contact the folks back home to report on your condition. (The 1975 Privacy Act limits the information the consul can divulge.) You are protected only by international law and treaties, plus the personal relationship of the American consulate and the host government. Indeed, your best bet while abroad is to remain innocent.

[Q] As you probably know, college dorms are bullshit city. Every guy I know brags in great detail about his sexual conquests. For the past two years, I've listened. As a virgin, I didn't have anything to contribute. However, a few months ago, I met a dynamite chick who changed that situation. We've made love several times. The problem is this: The guys in the dorm are pressuring me to kiss and tell. I'm reluctant to do so. It strikes me that publicity is an act of disrespect. Am I being too conservative? With more experience, will it become easier to talk about sex?--M. C., Madison, Wisconsin.

[A] Discretion is the better part of ardor. And your reluctance to talk is completely normal. Sociologist D. E. Corns conducted a study to find out how talkative people had been about their first sexual experiences. He found that if the event had occurred with a casual date or a pickup, 61 percent of the males said they had immediately told others about their conquests. In contrast, only 13 percent of the males who felt some romantic involvement with their partners were moved to broadcast the news. Only eight percent of the casual Casanovas practiced complete discretion, compared with 35 percent of the romantics. What you create in private with your lover is the best defense against peer-group pressure. Keep it to yourself. And the 20,000,000 readers of this column promise to keep it secret, too.

[Q] My boyfriend thinks I'd make a pretty good Playmate of the Month. But I've never had any modeling experience and I've noticed that a lot of the girls you choose are models or aspire to be actresses. Just what are the qualifications to become one of your centerfolds?--Miss L. V., New York, New York.

[A] Many and wondrous are the ways in which we find the delectable ladies who appear in our monthly centerfolds, Miss L. V. First, you should know that no professional modeling or acting experience is required. What is required is that almost intangible aura of specialness. The selection of a Playmate by our staff is essentially a four-step Process.

Step one: Although a great many Playmate candidates are "nominated" by photographers, a potential Playmate can submit snapshots of herself to our photo editors either in Chicago, at 919 North Michigan Avenue (60611), or in Los Angeles, at 8560 Sunset Boulevard (90069). The snapshots needn't be professional. While a number of Playmate applicants have had their entry photos taken by professional photographers, just as many have had friends do the job. Your photos should include both, full-length and close-up shots and a few in the nude.

Step two: Our photo editors select possible Playmates, then Playboy photographers take test shots of the candidates in our studios.

Step three: After the photos are screened by our editors, the girls who have the most potential are again brought into our studios and are photographed for the centerfold.

Step four: The centerfolds are screened by our top photo editors and Editor-Publisher Hugh M. Hefner. Hef makes the final decisions on which of the Playmate hopefuls appear as Playmates.

Aside from the obvious physical attributes, we prefer girls who have strong interests and are able to express themselves about those interests. Above all, we look for girls who project an intelligent, vibrant sexuality. If you think you're in the running, good luck.

[Q] My husband and I have been married for eight years. During that entire time, he has been addicted to bondage. At first it wasn't so bad, but over the past few years, it has gotten steadily worse. Now sex is no longer merely unpleasant, it is actually painful. It seems that it doesn't matter to my husband whether or not I get anything out of intercourse. All I feel is thoughts of degradation and humiliation. Lately, to go along with the tying-up and gagging routines, he has installed a series of hooks in the ceiling. He hoists me up in the air to hang by my arms and legs. It hurts. He gets disgusted and angry when I complain. He says that normal intercourse doesn't satisfy him. We have tried it once or twice, but it is obvious from his subsequent behavior that he is less than pleased with the results. I have suggested that we try counseling. He says it probably wouldn't work. He's had this hang-up all of his life and simply refuses to believe that anyone can help. He's afraid that if he tells anyone about it, word will get out and he will lose his job. What do you suggest?--Mrs. E. H., Mobile, Alabama.

[A] The new sexual morality holds that everything is permitted--until it becomes boring. Fetishes are considered abnormal and pathological when the given behavior is the only way the person can enjoy sex. Your husband's obsession with bondage seems to fall within that category. When mutuality disappears from a relationship, and one person enjoys himself at the expense of his partner, it's time to call for help. Sex therapists keep their work completely confidential, so your husband's fear of exposure is groundless. (Incidentally, how does he explain the hoist when you have guests over?) To find a reputable sex therapist in your area, send three dollars to the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists, Suite 301, 5010 Wisconsin Avenue, Washington, D.C. 20016.

[Q] Every time I have more than my share of drinks and want to boogie before bedtime, my girlfriend complains that I will take an inordinate amount of time reaching orgasm. I don't really keep track of time during these interludes--sometimes it takes all my powers of concentration to figure out where I am--but could she be right? Is there a correlation between drinking and retarded ejaculation?--W. T., New Orleans. Louisiana.

[A] It is common knowledge that prostitutes are reluctant to service noticeably intoxicated Johns, because they are less able to reach orgasm quickly and, therefore, take up too much of the hooker's time. And the culprit appears to be the anesthetic effect that alcohol has on the body. In large enough quantities, alcohol blocks the neural pathways that regulate erection, causing temporary impotence that cannot be overcome, regardless of one's determination or the strength of one's ardor--at least until the anesthetizing effects of the booze wear off.

As you probably know, a little bit of alcohol is a stimulant, too much is a depressant. Do your girlfriend a favor; in deference to her, boogie first and celebrate later. You'll both feel better.

All reasonable questions--from fashion, food and drink, stereo and sports cars to dating dilemmas, taste and etiquette--will be personally answered if the writer includes a stamped, self-addressed envelope. Send all letters to The Playboy Advisor, Playboy Building, 919 N. Michigan Avenue, Chicago, Illinois 60611. The most provocative, pertinent queries will be presented on these pages each month.