The (Sexual) Book of Lists

from the team that gave us "the people's almanac" and the original "book of lists," here's a lively, lusty update

You remember the Wallechinsky/Wallace team (husband and wife, daughter and son), who built a family business and a couple of runaway best sellers by compiling lists of everything anyone ever imagined wanting to know.

Well, just when you were beginning to get to the end of their existing listings, here they come again, bouncing back with yet another batch--to be published later this spring in The People's Almanac Presents The Book of Lists 2. We went through it and picked out, you know, the good parts. And then the authors rounded out our selection with a few lists of lusts you won't find anywhere else. Let's see: There's the preserved-penis list, the chastity-belt list, the 26-mammal sperm-count list, the religious-scandal list. . . . But there's no point in our listing the lists, is there? Why don't you discover them for yourself?

Seven Women who Wore (or may Have Worn) Chastity Belts

The chastity belt, a device used by men to keep their women faithful, usually consists of a waistband to which are attached front and back straps that go between the legs and hold plates that cover the genitals and the anus. The plates are pierced to allow for the passage of body wastes and natural secretions. A padlock secures the chastity belt so that a man can lock his woman into it, take the key and go about his business, confident that she will be unable to take lovers--unless they happen to be locksmiths or acquaintances of locksmiths. It is not known when the chastity belt was invented. According to some unauthenticated sources, Crusaders were the first Europeans to use chastity belts on women. We know of no women who used them on their men.

1. Catherine-Henriette de Balzac D'Entragues (1579--1633)

Small and graceful, with feline sensitivity, the Marquise de Verneuil was only 20 when she entered into a stormy relationship with Henry IV of France (1553--1610). Although Henry loved her, he did not give her what she wanted most--marriage. (He wed Marie de Médicis instead.) He may have forced young Henriette to wear a chastity belt. The evidence? A 17th Century etching in the Hennin collection at the Bibliothèque Nationale: According to P. G. J. Niel, a French writer of the 1800s, the naked woman wearing the chastity belt is Henriette, and the man to whom she is handing the key is Henry IV. Hidden behind the bed, the woman's lover accepts a duplicate key from a maid in exchange for a bag of money. To underscore the message, the artist included in the etching a jester trying to keep bees from escaping from a basket and a cat watching a mouse. The caption reads: "Du cocu qui porte la clef et sa femme la serrure." "Of a cuckold who carries the key and his wife the lock."

2. Corpse of an Unknown Woman (late 16th or early 17th Century)

In 1889, A. M. Pachinger, a Munich collector, was visiting an Austrian provincial town when a 15th Century church was excavated. An old lead coffin was unearthed and opened in a corner of the churchyard. In it were the remains of a woman--probably young when she died (her teeth were good), probably aristocratic (she wore a dress of expensive damask). Her reddish hair was done up in a braided hairdo and her gloved arms were crossed on her breast. Under the clothing, her pelvis was encased in a chastity belt--a leather-covered iron hoop to which were attached a frontal plate with a saw-toothed slit and an anal plate, which also had a small opening. Pachinger kept the belt and the woman was reburied. Who was the woman? Why was she buried in a chastity belt? Was her husband so jealous that he feared she would be unfaithful even in death?

3. Anne of Austria (1601--1666)

Item number 6598 in the Cluny Museum in Paris may have been made for Anne of Austria, the wife of Louis XIII and mother of Louis XIV of (continued on page 140) (sexual) Book of Lists (continued from page 121) France. The waistband of this chastity belt is velvet-covered metal and the curved plate with a toothed slit is ivory. Anne and Louis were married when both were 14 years old. Anne was beautiful and golden-haired, with an exquisite complexion. After one night of bliss, it was four years before the young Louis slept again with her. When he finally got around to sex, however, he became very passionate and jealous--hence the chastity belt.

4. Marie Lajon (18th Century)

All we know of Marie Lajon and her slick seducer Pierre Berlhe comes from a slim book written in 1750 by a lawyer named Freydier. The book consists of Freydier's speech condemning Berlhe at a trial in Nimes. Supposedly, Berlhe seduced the young innocent Marie with promises of marriage. An extremely jealous man, he made her wear a metallic-mesh corset with a sharp-pointed genital opening and a padlock. To make doubly sure of her chastity, he covered the seams of the apparatus with sealing wax, on which he impressed his seal. When he went away on business trips, he took the key to the chastity belt and the seal with him. Even after the birth of their child, he forced Marie to wear the belt. When it became clear to Marie that he was never going to marry her, she took him to court. At the time of his trial, Berlhe still had the key and the seal with him. Freydier's speech, sentimental and maudlin, was a polemic against seducers and a plea against chastity belts. Example: "Having incarcerated the young girl's heart, he next wanted to encase her body in iron and show his tyranny by treating her more cruelly than if she were his slave. What greater examples of barbarism do you want than to put a girl in irons? To enslave her body? To put her in a prison which she must continually carry about with her? To fasten it with a padlock which only the most jealous Florentine could imitate?" The outcome of the case? Freydier didn't say.

5. Ondina Randone Ancilotti (early 20th Century)

The Italian sculptor Ancilotti devised a chastity belt--a pair of pants with metal rings, secured by a lock and key--which he persuaded his wife, Ondina, to wear. To allow her to go to the bathroom, he removed the belt at noon and eight P.M. Once, while pregnant, she was out eating with her friend Adele Gaumier when she felt the urge to relieve herself. She could not do so until she got the key to the belt from Ancilotti. When she heard his whistle in the street, she ran down to get the key from him. Then, with the help of Gaumier, she took off the belt, went to the bathroom, put the belt back on, locked it and returned the key to Ancilotti. For his cruelty to his wife, Ancilotti was arrested and tried. The outcome of the trial is not known.

6. Wife of Jean Parat (early 20th Century)

For years, Jean Parat--le pharmacien tortionnaire ("the torturing druggist")--was suspected of abusing his wife, but nothing was done about it until 1910, when Paris police investigated and found the woman chained to the bed in the Parat apartment. Under her clothes, she was wearing a chain-mail corset padlocked around her body. Jean was arrested and tried. Jealousy had made him do it, he said, defending his actions, and he pointed out that the chains were long enough so she could play the piano.

7. Henri Littiere's Wife (20th Century)

No matter how much her husband, Henri, beat her, Mme. Littière could not stop chasing other men; she had had three affairs in as many months. A baker by trade but a medieval scholar by inclination, Henri found the solution to his problem in an old book about the crusaders, who supposedly locked their wives in chastity belts before going off to battle. He researched the matter further at Paris' Cluny Museum, where he sketched the chastity belts on display. Armed with that information, he had an orthopedist make a contraption of velvet and steel for Mme. Littière. At her chastity-belt fitting, she insisted that she be allowed to wear the belt home and gave the key to Henri with the admonition, "Above all, don't lose it." Not long after, an old lover came to visit Mme. Littière, undressed her, saw the belt and reported it to the police. Henri thought the first court summons was a joke, but he obeyed the second and appeared before Judge Chaudoye in a Paris court. The accusation: cruelty. After Mme. Littière testified that she found it impossible to be faithful, the judge handed down the verdict: a three-month suspended jail sentence and a 50-franc fine.

Note: Readers interested in having a chastity belt made can contract David Renwick of Sheffield, England. Renwick hand-forges iron belts to specification for about $80 each.

Nine Things to do in the Mating Season

1. Composting

The male mallee fowl of Australia and New Guinea builds a mass of leaves to serve as an incubator once his mate lays her eggs. The female is then lured to the nest by the male's crooning sounds. When the eggs are laid, the male works frantically to maintain the optimum hatching temperature--adding more vegetation when the nest grows too cold, digging it up when it gets too hot.

2. Exhibitionism

During mating season, male squirrel monkeys exchange penile displays and urinate in each other's faces. As aggression mounts, they pile on one another and fight violently. The behavior is not related to mating success but, rather, to a rearrangement of the dominance hierarchy. Male mandrill monkeys give a red, white and blue display of their colorful genital areas.

3. Homosexuality

Lesbian mating is practiced by between 8 percent and 14 percent of the seagulls on the Santa Barbara Islands off the California coast. Lesbian gulls go through some or all of the motions of mating and lay sterile eggs (unless they have promiscuously coupled with a random male). Homosexual behavior is also known in geese, ostriches, cichlid fish, squid, rats and monkeys.

4. Masturbation

Masturbation in the animal kingdom has been observed among deer, lions, apes, monkeys, moose, boars, porcupines, dolphins and elephants (who use their trunks).

5. Mate Beating

The female rhinoceros may ram her bull before mating with him. Ocelots bite their partners around the face and head to stimulate mating. During copulation, nonvenomous snakes often bite their partners.

6. Mate Eating

The female praying mantis may swallow her mate during the sexual act. (The male may continue to copulate after his head and thorax have been bitten off.) In many species of spiders, the female--the aptly named black widow, for example--eats her smaller male mate during or after copulation.

7. Present Giving

The male Adélie penguin must select his mate from a colony of more than 1,000,000 and indicates his choice by rolling a stone at the female's feet. (Stones are scarce at mating time, because many are needed to build walls around nests. It becomes commonplace for penguins to steal them from one another.) If she accepts this gift, they stand belly to belly and sing a mating song.

(continued on page 168) (Sexual) Book of Lists (continued from page 140)

8. Self-Abortion

Newly pregnant mice are biologically stimulated to abort by the scent of urine from a strange male. Rabbit does are known to internally dissolve the cells of their developing fetuses if proper nutrition and environment are not present.

9. Total Collapse

Exhaustion is the frequent fate of the male Ugandan kob, an African antelope. Like many species of birds and mammals, the kob roams in a social group until mating season, when the dominant male establishes a mating territory, or lek. But the females decide which territory they wish to enter and pick the male they think most attractive. He then mates with all the females until he is too weak to continue (usually due to lack of food), whereupon he is replaced by another.

Five Preserved Sex Organs of Famous Men

1. General Kang Ping

In the time of the Ming dynasty when Chu Ti, the Yung-Lo Emperor, ruled China (1403--1424), his best friend and favorite military leader was General Kang Ping. Forced to leave the capital for a journey to another city, the emperor left General Kang Ping in charge of protecting his palace and the beautiful women of his harem who lived inside. Since General Kang Ping knew that the mercurial emperor might worry about the faithfulness of his harem concubines and the loyalty of his army staff, he decided he must anticipate any future accusations of disloyalty. The emperor went off on his travels, and when he returned to the capital, he was as paranoiac as ever. He immediately accused General Kang Ping of having seduced several of his concubines. The general denied the accusation and said he could prove his loyalty. He pointed to the emperor's saddled horse used on the journey and asked that the emperor look in the hollow of the saddle. The emperor looked--and there he found General Kang Ping's penis. The general had emasculated himself, preserved his penis and secretly sent it off with his ruler, so that he would later be able to prove his loyalty. So moved was the emperor by his friend's gesture that he elevated him to chief eunuch and upon Kang Ping's death, had a temple built to him and had him venerated as patron saint of all eunuchs.

2. Napoleon Bonaparte

When the exiled former emperor of France died of stomach cancer on May 5, 1821, on the remote island of St. Helena, a post mortem was held. According to Dr. C. MacLaurin, "His reproductive organs were small and apparently atrophied. He is said to have been impotent for some time before he died." A priest in attendance obtained Napoleon's penis. After a secret odyssey of 150 years, the severed penis turned up at Christie's Fine Art Auctioneers in London around 1971. The one-inch penis, resembling a tiny "sea horse," an attendant said, was described by the auction house as "a small dried-up object." It was put on sale for £ 13,300, then withdrawn from bidding. Shortly afterward, the emperor's sex organ (along with bits of his hair and beard) was offered for sale in Flayderman's mail-order catalog. There were no buyers. In 1977, Napoleon's penis was sold in Paris to an American urologist for about $3800. Today, Napoleon's body rests in the crypt at the Invalides, Paris--sans penis.

3. Grigori Rasputin

In 1968, in the St.-Denis suburb of Paris, an elderly White Russian female émigré, a former maid in czarist St. Petersburg and later a follower and lover of the Russian holy man Rasputin, kept a polished wooden box, 18" x 6" in size, atop her bedroom bureau. Inside the box lay Rasputin's penis--it "looked like a blackened, overripe banana, about a foot long and resting on a velvet cloth," reported Rasputin biographer Patte Barham. In life, this penis, wrote Rasputin's daughter Maria, measured "a good 13 inches when fully erect." According to Maria's account, in 1916, when Prince Feliks Yusupov and his fellow assassins attacked Rasputin, Yusupov first raped him, then fired a bullet into his head, wounding him. As Rasputin fell, another young nobleman pulled out a dagger and emasculated Grigori Rasputin, "flinging the severed penis across the room." One of Yusupov's servants, a relative of Rasputin's lover, recovered the penis and turned the severed organ over to the maid. She, in turn, fled to Paris with it.

4. John Dillinger

One of the controversial legends of the 20th Century concerns the disposition of bank robber and badman John Dillinger's private part. When Dillinger was allegedly shot to death by the FBI in front of a Chicago movie theater in 1934, his corpse was removed to the morgue for dissection by forensic pathologists. That was where the legend began. The gangster's penis--reported as 14 inches flaccid, 20 inches erect--was supposedly amputated by an overenthusiastic pathologist. After that, many persons heard that the penis had been seen (always by someone else) preserved in a showcase at the Smithsonian Institution in Washington, D.C. Since the publication of The Book of Lists 1, the authors have received a great number of letters asking if the story of Dillinger's pickled penis is true. The editors called the Smithsonian to prove the story myth or fact and museum curators denied any knowledge of such an exhibit. If it is not among the 65,000,000 or so objects on display at the Smithsonian, how did that rumor begin? Tour guides at the museum believe that years ago, many people mistakenly entered the building next door, thinking it was part of the Smithsonian; it was, however, a different museum altogether--the Medical Museum of the Armed Forces Institute of Pathology--and it housed gruesome displays of diseased and oversized body parts, including penises and testes, as well as pictures of victims of gunshot wounds. It was there that some visitors claimed to have seen Dillinger's giant penis. The collection has been moved to the Walter Reed Army Medical Center, but its operators there also deny that Dillinger's organ has ever been one of its displays.

5. Ishida Kichizo

He was a well-known Tokyo gangster and his mistress was a young Japanese geisha named Abe Sada. They were involved in a long, passionate sadomasochistic love affair. He enjoyed having her try to strangle him with a sash cord as she mounted him. Kichizo could make love to Abe Sada only at intervals, because he was married and had children. She could not stand their separations. He offered to set her up in a teahouse and drop in on her once in a while. She suggested they run away together or commit suicide together. On the night of May 18, 1936, fearing he was going to leave her forever, she started to play their strangling game with her pajama cord--then really strangled him until he was dead. Now she wouldn't have to share him with anyone. Yet she wanted to possess part of him. Taking a butcher knife, she cut off Kichizo's penis and testicles, wrapped them in his jacket and placed the bundle in a loincloth she'd tied to her kimono. Abe Sada fled her geisha house, took hotel rooms, fondled Kichizo's penis, pressed it against her body constantly. Eventually, the police caught her, confiscated the penis she had been preserving. She was tried for her crime, found guilty and sentenced to jail. She languished in prison eight years, all through World War Two. When the American Army of Occupation moved (continued on page 220) (Sexual) Book of Lists (continued from page 168) into Tokyo, they released all Japanese political prisoners, including, by mistake, Abe Sada. In 1974, an "aging but vivacious" Abe Sada owned a bar near Tokyo's Sumida River. A sensational film. In the Realm of the Senses, was made about the affair, which made dear Abe Sada and dead Kichizo--and his penis--legend in Japan.

Average Number of Sperm per Ejaculation for 25 Mammals

1. Swine 45,000,000,000

2. Jackass 14,500,000,000

3. Horse 8,000,000,000

4. Dairy Cattle 7,000,000,000

5. Zebu (Humped Ox) 5,098,200,000

6. Beef Cattle 4,000,000,000

7. Eurasian Buffalo 3,978,000,000

8. Sheep 3,000,000,000

9. Goat 1,755,000,000

10. Dog 1,500,000,000

11. Rhesus Monkey 1,175,900,000

12. Chimpanzee 1,157,100,000

13. Crab-Eating Macaque, Monkey 549,600,000

14. Human 500,000,000

15. Chinchilla 480,000,000

16. Red Fox, Silver Fox 330,000,000

17. Gibbon, Ape 197,600,000

18. Capuchin Monkey 96,600,000

19. Rat 82,500,000

20. Squirrel 82,400,000

21. Rabbit 64,000,000

22. Cat 60,000,000

23. Guinea Pig 8,235,000

24. Mink 260,000

25. Golden Hamster 3,450

Ten Religious Figures Involved in Sex Scandals

1. A Delphic Pythia (Seventh Century B.C.), Greek prophet

During the early years of the Delphic oracle, young beautiful virgins, who were required to take an oath of celibacy, were chosen to act as the Pythia--the high priestess who inhaled Delphi's sacred gases and then prophesied. Around the Seventh Century B.C., a Thessalian Greek named Echecrates entered the Delphic temple to ask the Pythia a question. Struck by her tremendous beauty, he was overcome with passion, pulled her to the temple floor and raped her. The scandal that followed outraged the Delphians, who, thereafter, appointed only unattractive women who were at least 50 years old as Pythias.

2. John XII (937?--964), Italian Pope

The 18-year-old pontiff plundered the Church treasury to support his incessant gambling, and he ruled Rome with a gang of hired thugs. It was his insatiable sexual drive, however, that ultimately terminated his pontificate. He had enjoyed the favors of many mistresses; so many, in fact, that critics accused him of turning the Lateran Palace into a brothel; some even claimed that the Holy Father had raped female pilgrims right in St. Peter's. One day in early May 964, John was caught in the act by the husband of the current papal paramour. The cuckold, showing little respect for the holder of the keys to heaven, beat John so severely that the pontiff died--without confession or receiving the sacraments--three days later.

3. Huldreich Zwingli (1484--1531), Swiss Protestant reformer

While he was the vicar of Glarus, Switzerland, from 1506 to 1515. Zwingli had what he called a celibacy "slip." Actually, he had a number of affairs with the women in his church. In a limited effort to curb his desires, he vowed not to become involved with virgins, nuns or married women. After one of his girlfriends proudly revealed to the villagers that she had had sexual relations with him, Zwingli was forced to send a written confession to his superiors. After he broke with the Catholic Church, the Vatican published his confession in an effort to discredit him. Zwingli, however, survived the subsequent scandal and became a political and religious leader.

4. John Humphrey Noyes (1811--1886), Perfectionist minister

Denied ordination as a preacher in the Congregational Church, John Humphrey Noyes established his own Perfectionist Church, which held that perfect love and sharing was God's will for man. In 1846, when the police learned that love and sharing meant wife swapping, Noyes and a number of his followers were arrested for adultery. Despite the subsequent scandal, Noyes founded his Oneida Community in Oneida, New York, where he and some 300 followers practiced "complex marriage," in which everyone was considered to be married to everyone else. Despite constant scandals over Noyes's doctrine of free love his community survived for some 30 years.

5. Henry Ward Beecher (1813--1887), Congregational minister

In 1875, religious leader and social reformer Henry Ward Beecher--who was the brother of Harriet Beecher Stowe, author of Uncle Tom's Cabin--was charged with and tried for adultery, causing a scandal that rocked Victorian America. Beecher was accused by a member of his Brooklyn Plymouth Church congregation. Theodore Tilton, of having an affair with Tilton's wife, Elizabeth. Later evidence showed that Beecher almost definitely did seduce Mrs. Tilton in his church office by telling her God willed that they have sex. However, the six-month trial ended in a hung jury after 52 ballots, and Beecher returned to his church with only a lightly tarnished reputation.

6. Horatio Alger (1832--1899), Unitarian clergyman and author

In 1864, Horatio Alger became minister for the parish of Brewster, Massachusetts. He was young, energetic and well liked. He organized games and other kinds of entertainment for the boys of the parish. But after 15 months, church members wondered why he never took an interest in the girls. The elders of the church decided to investigate, and rumors that the reverend was too partial to boys began to circulate. It was discovered that Alger had engaged in homosexual activities with at least two of the parishioners' sons. Alger admitted to pederasty and lost his ministerial position. He fled to New York City, devoted the rest of his life to writing and became one of America's most successful writers, known for his tales of such characters as Ragged Dick and Phil the Fiddler.

7. Father Divine (1877?--1965), Founder of the Peace Mission Movement

Black religious leader Father Divine, whose real name was recorded by the police as George Baker alias God, ordered the thousands of converts to his Peace Mission Movement to remain celibate, even if they were already married. However, Father Divine himself was involved in a number of scandals. In 1931, he was arrested on Long Island, New York, for living with a woman other than his wife. Also, it was reported that he seduced a number of his female followers with the line "I am bringing your desire to the surface so that I can eliminate it." In 1946, white Americans were further outraged when 69-year-old Baker married a 22-year-old white Canadian woman.

8. Aimee Semple McPherson (1890--1944), Pentecostal evangelist

A revivalist with a dramatic flair for theatrics who founded the International Church of the Foursquare Gospel, "Sister" Aimee Semple McPherson disappeared from the beach at Santa Monica, California, in May 1926. The police and public were convinced that she had gone for a swim and drowned. However, more than a month later, she reappeared in a Mexican border town, claiming she had been kidnaped. It was soon learned that she actually had spent ten days of the time with a married man named Kenneth Ormiston in a honeymoon cottage in Carmel, California. Surprisingly, Sister Aimee weathered the scandal and her popularity as a preacher increased.

9. Elijah Muhammad (1897--1975), Nation of Islam prophet

In 1963, Black Muslim minister Malcolm X heard rumors that the leader of his faith, Elijah Muhammad, who claimed to be the prophet of Allah, was involved in a sex scandal. Holding to puritanical Muslim beliefs, Malcolm X at first refused to believe those reports, but later he talked with three of Muhammad's former secretaries, all of whom claimed that they had had sex with the prophet. That led to a complete break between Malcolm X and Muhammad. The scandal became public on July 3, 1963, when two former secretaries filed paternity suits against Muhammad on behalf of their four children.

10. Billy James Hargis (1925--), Christian Crusade founder

Popular right-wing radio evangelist and founder of the American Christian College in Tulsa, Oklahoma, spoke out against showing sex on TV, claimed that the Communists had invented rock 'n' roll and sermonized against pornography. But in 1976, Time, magazine disclosed that he had been having sex with both male and female students from his college. His secret came to light when, on their wedding night, a couple divulged to each other that they both had had sexual relations with Hargis. When confronted by his accusers, the fundamentalist attributed his bisexual activities to "genes and chromosomes." Hargis continues to conduct his Christian Crusade.

Six Unconsummated Love Affairs

1. James Earl Ray (1928--) and Anna Salling Ray (1947--)

Ray was serving a 99-year sentence for the murder of Martin Luther King, Jr., when he first saw free-lance artist Anna Salling Sandhu (ex-wife of an Indian student), who was sketching court proceedings during the trial for his prison break in 1977. They spoke to each other at a television interview, began a correspondence and were married on October 13, 1978, in Tennessee's Brushy Mountain State Prison. Ray spent his wedding night in his cell--their marriage has never been consummated.

2. Maxwell Perkins (1884--1947) and Elizabeth Lemmon (1892--?)

Perkins--Charles Scribner's Sons editor for F. Scott Fitzgerald, Ernest Hemingway, Thomas Wolfe and others--was an unhappily married man with five daughters. He had only one passion besides his work: Elizabeth Lemmon, whom he met in 1922. She was blonde and literate, an aristocrat who did everything from studying voice to managing the Upperville, Virginia, baseball team. For 25 years, they corresponded--he from his office in New York, she from her mansion in Virginia--but they met only a few times, and their relationship remained celibate. In 1943, at the Ritz Bar in New York City, he said to her: "Oh, Elizabeth, it's hopeless." "I know," she replied. She never married, and Perkins' wife, Louise, later took to drink and Catholicism, going so far as to sprinkle her husband's pillow with holy water every few days.

3. William Butler Yeats (1865--1939) and Maud Gonne (1866--1953)

Irish poet Yeats developed, at the age of 23, a passion for Maud Gonne--a six-foot-tall, red-haired, wellborn revolutionary--that was to remain unfulfilled for 50 years. Gonne, who could have frittered her life away as a social butterfly, devoted herself to the cause of poor Irish tenants. If her relationship with Yeats remained Platonic (they called it a "spiritual marriage"), it was not through her prudery--she had two children out of wedlock and married someone else in 1903. Why did she refuse Yeats? Her answer: "You make beautiful poetry out of what you call your unhappiness, and you are happy in that."

4. George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950) and Ellen Terry (1847--1928)

Shaw considered his long and passionate correspondence with actress Ellen Terry a "wholly satisfactory love affair." She, married five times, signed at least one of her letters "your lover." He, who remained a virgin until he was 29 and a bachelor until his 40s, said of their unconsummated relationship: "Let those who may complain that it was all on paper remember that only on paper has humanity yet achieved glory, beauty, truth, knowledge, virtue and abiding love."

5. Horace Walpole (1717--1797) and Marie Anne De Vichy-Cham-Rond, Marquise Du Deffand (1695--1781)

When he first saw her in her Paris salon, she was an intelligent, lively but withered and blind woman of 70. He was 48. They were fascinated with each other's wit, and he went to visit her every day when he was in France. When Walpole returned to England, they began a voluminous correspondence (there were more than 800 letters from her alone), which followed a peculiar pattern. Scared off by her passion, he would chide her for emotional excesses (though he called her ma petite and spoke of his "profound and loyal attachment" to her). Her responses were spirited. For example: "If you were a Frenchman, I would not hesitate to call you a great coxcomb. You are English and, therefore, only a great fool." Their relationship, never consummated, went on for 15 years with only occasional visits.

6. Dante Alighieri (1265--1321) and Beatrice Portinari (1266--1290)

From the time he was nine years old, the Italian poet Dante worshiped Beatrice from afar. It was she who inspired him, whose spirit took him to paradise in the Divine Comedy. He had no desire to possess her but was content to satisfy his lust with his wife, Gemma, and his mistresses. Beatrice was also married.

Fourteen Recently Patented Inventions for Improving Sexual Satisfaction and Performance

1. Contoured pillow (U. S. Design Patent 220,823):

A pillow having two breast-receiving cavities.

2. Protective coat (U. S. Patent 3,147,486):

Keeps male organ warm to prevent excessive shrinking in cold weather.

3. Human birth-control appliance (U. S. Patent 3,536,066):

A pantylike garment having proboscis that unfolds and extends into the vagina during coitus to provide a mechanical barrier.

4. Contraceptive article (U. S. Patent 3,518,995):

An article of clothing to be worn about and heat the scrotum to produce temporary sterility.

5. Genital erecter (U. S. Patent 3,631,853):

The male genital organ is inserted into a transparent tube that is evacuated by a pump.

6. Breast-developing jacket (U. S. Patent 3,500,832):

A jacket within which warm water is circulated to enlarge arteries and veins and cause storage of fat tissue.

7. Sexual aid (U. S. Patent 3,401,687):

A flexible, split tube to support and rigidify a male penis.

8. Adhesive brassiere (U. S. Patent 3,276,449):

9. Pubococcygeus muscle exerciser (U. S. Patent 3,502,328):

An elongated mechanism that can be inserted into the vagina to provide resistance to contractions during exercise.

10. Therapeutic device (U. S. Patent 3,636,948):

A resilient band to be tightly wrapped around the penis near the public bone to enhance or effect erection.

11. Anticircumcision ring (U. S. Patent 2,538,136):

The foreskin is held in a retracted position by a removable ring to maintain sanitary conditions.

12. Scrotum sleeve (U. S. Patent 2,576,024):

The testicles are held downwardly to improve their function.

13. Self-contained gynecologic stimulator (U. S. Patent 3,996,930):

A V-shaped member with a trough for receiving the clitoris and a portion for insertion into the vagina to produce stimulation during movement.

14. Dual-occupancy cradle (U. S. Patent 3,668,722):

The superimposed partner is supported in a reasonably relaxed position.

"Police found her chained to the bed. The chains were long enough so she could play the piano, though."

"In 1977, Napoleon's penis was sold in Paris to an American urologist for about $3800."

"Father Divine's line: 'I am bringing your desire to the surface so that I can eliminate it.' "