Prayboy: Entertainment for Far-Righteous Men

December 1984 A.D. Iax-Deductible Contribution $2.50

Girls of the Moral Majority

A Sensational Fully Clothed Pictorial

To Heck and Back--24 Hours in New York City

Christ Played Hurt: A Reverent Interview with Tom Landry

Are Catholics White?

Should Women Play Tennis?

The Prayboy Philosophy: Tablets I and II

Contents for the Entertainment Magazine for far-righteous Men

The Origin of Species--fiction ..........Charles Darwin 201

Seagoing mad scientist tries to make a monkey of mankind.

Some Thoughts on Eternal Damnation--humor ..........212

A look at the lighter side of perpetual agony.

50 World-Class Hotels with Gideon Bibles--travel ..........236

New tips from the author of Jerusalem on Five Shekels a Day and Don't Drink the Holy Water.

The Lord's Portfolio--investment guide ..........289

Investments of top TV evangelists show why, when the Lord speaks ... people listen.

Public Libraries: Must they contain Books? ..........313

Promiscuous reading leads to sin. The answer--empty shelves.

Prayboy looks at the 1984 Handgun models ..........330

Unlicensed pleasures! The newest in Saturday-night specials.

The Prayboy Advisor

We are born-again Christians and we have just had a baby. What we don't understand is this: Was our baby born born again or does he have to be born again?--L. P., Fredonia, New Hampshire.

Yes.

We are a God-fearing couple anxious to rid our local library of the taint of filthy, godless books. Our problem is, how can we tell which books to burn without having to read them ourselves and become filthy and tainted?--P. L., Omaha, Nebraska.

Simple--you can tell a book by its cover. There is no need whatsoever to read books with obviously filthy and godless titles. Some examples: "Black Beauty" clearly is a celebration of godless Negro radicalism. "The Red Pony" is a glorification of Communist livestock. "A Farewell to Arms" is yet another fuzzy-minded one-worlder attempt to render the U. S. a pitiful, helpless giant. "She Stoops to Conquer" speaks for itself, and of "The African Queen," the less said, the better.

My wife and I regularly read the Bible and enjoy it very much. But one thing puzzles us. What are loins? Do we have any, or is it just people in the Bible? Bible folks always seem to be girding them up or springing from them and we would like to, too. But we don't know where they are. Can you help?--J. R., Dubuque, Iowa.

A common question. All we can say is--you do have loins. One set each. But, unfortunately, we can't tell you where they are.

I am a good, holy Christian person who has always opposed Satan, welfare mothers, the seven deadly sins, foreign aid, rum, Romanism and New York pointy-heads. I feel pretty certain that the Lord has chosen me to dwell with him in everlasting bliss, but how can I be sure?--J. C. II, Tupelo, Mississippi.

This is a common problem even for first-rate good, holy, devout Christian nonsinners like yourself. Now, however, thanks to an exclusive arrangement available only to the publishers of Prayboy, you can actually own a little piece of heaven! That's right--for only $19.99 a month,* you can actually hold in your hand clear title to a choice lot** in one of the most desirable sub-divisions of Paradise. If you act now, you will receive a deed establishing your sole ownership of a specific lot, the lot number and its location--a document legally binding in every state, including heaven! And, of course, every penny you spend is tax-deductible! We're sure you'll be so pleased with this deal you'll almost wish you were dead. Just write to Prayboy Acres, Box 6969, Green Pastures, Golgotha 00010, enclosing down payment, or call toll-free, 800-555-1212, to stake your claim.***

Written by Tony Hendra / designed by David Kaestle

The World of Prayboy

in which we offer a pious look at what's doing and who's doing it

Eat, don't Drink and be Merry

Yet another Prayboy Club has opened its pearly gates, in Toledo, Ohio, offering a cornucopia of Christian pleasures until ten P.M. each night. So if you're in Toledo with the kids, looking for the right kind of company, a good ham supper and a clean show....

From the Centerfold to the Fold

After 30 successful years of sinning, secular humanist Hugh Hefner was born again this month! Renouncing worldly goods, he donated the two famous houses to the Church and renamed them Prayboy Monastery East and West. Said Hefner: "In my Father's house are two more Mansions."

Prayboy Interview: God

a candid conversation with the convivial but conservative creator

Prayboy: Are You an ultraconservative?

God: Is Jerusalem a city? Of course. Try Me.

Prayboy: Let's see ... which countries do You like?

God: Only America. God's country.

Prayboy: And what do You do for her?

God: I bless her. I also stand beside her and guide her, through the night with a light from above.

Prayboy: But what about Israel?

God: Brave little Israel is freedom's staunchest ally in the Middle East, a stalwart bastion against Me-less communism.

Prayboy: Then You support the Jewish nation?

God: I would like to. But, as you know, I can't hear their prayers, because they are of the Hebrew persuasion. I don't know why they won't become Baptists ... and I'm omniscient! But seriously....

Prayboy: Well, for the tiny majority of us whose prayers You do hear ... how can we cleave to the path of righteousness these perilous days?

God: By struggling against the wicked wiles of Satan, by following My commandments and by getting back the Panama Canal. When I think of Carter giving away Our canal, I wax exceeding wroth! I don't know what this world is coming to, and I created it just 6012 years ago in seven days! As I was saying to Duke (continued on page 182)

No Porn Again

Mrs. december used to bare more than her arms for satan, but now she covers up for the lord

Broadway used to be the address of this month's Praymate, deep in the heart of New York City's red-light Soho district. And it was Broadway that almost led to her destruction. Norma-Beth Ewan (Mrs.) spent three of her 25 years posing in the and semi for such godless filth as Penthouse and Playboy. In between, she worked as an "actress," flaunting her in hose and ssiere commercials.

"The wages of sin were pretty good," regrets our now clean, neat and untempting Praymate. "I had what they call 'it all'--fast men, fast cars, designer jeans, surf 'n' turf. Heck, I even used to drink high for breakfast." And, as if her soul weren't blighted enough, Norma-Beth spent her spare time consorting with liberals and supporting such works of Satan as women's rights ("women's wrongs they ought to call them") and Jimmy Carter's giveaway of the Panama Canal. And once, admits our unprovocative Mrs. December, she even fell so low as to spend a night with a man who was neither her husband, her father nor her son.

Then it happened. On a visit to relatives in Ohio, Norma-Beth's tiny imported car was totaled by that of local preacher David Picker Ewan. Every bone in Norma-Beth's was broken, while the reverend walked away with only a nasty shock and a dented fender.

"The Reverend Ewan came to visit me many times in the hospital," remembers our Praymate. "It was he who showed me that if you were full of sin, God would punish you, but that if you were free of it, He would protect you and your car from all harm."

The tall blond evangelist was, of course, to become Norma-Beth's first and only husband, and to this day she refers to him as Reverend Ewan. "Even in the privacy of our room," giggles Norma-Beth.

Now, instead of "making out" and having "dates," she is happy baking pies and having kids. Does she worry about being tempted to go back to her old life and not to make the dishes sparkle?

"I'm too busy to worry," says our Mrs. December. "There's always something in the oven."

Praymate Data Sheet

Name:

Bust:

Waist:

Height:

Weight:

Sign:

Hips:

Birth Date:

BirthPlace:

Turn-ons: not turning on.

Turn-offs: People who call me ms., the un, prepared cake mixes. Godless communism, unsightly wax build-up, redwood forests, ring around the collar, Calvin jeans.

Favorite Books: Deu, Kings, Revelations, Ecclesiastes, The Joy of Cooking.

Favorite Musicians: Lawrence Welk, The Gospeleers, Bob Zimmerman.

Favorite Sports: Baking, sautéeing.

Heaven forbid!!

Prayboy's Purity Jokes

Seems these two liberals went back to her place and indulged in fornication. Just as the two sinners reached that moment of sexual union which is only permitted in holy matrimony, a truck crashed into her house and killed them dead and they both went to hell.

Why do all angels fly in circles? Because in heaven there's no left wing.

A wealthy television evangelist was dying in his mansion, and his flock gathered round to ask him for his last wish. "Before I die," he said, "I would like to take a ride." And they asked the rich pastor what he required for that final ride before entering the kingdom of heaven. And he said, "I would like a very small camel and a very large needle."

Teacher: "Johnny, use the word damnation in a sentence."

Johnny: "The worst damnation is the Soviet Union."

Teacher: "That's right, but wash out your mouth."

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines the new math as a religious service conducted by homosexual priests.

Misconception--a dear whose time has come.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines aftershock as finding liberals in heaven.

Our Unabashed Dictionary defines Democratic Convention as an immoral sexual congress.

Chastitique--the Ultimate in High Fidelity

Domestic defense is probably the major item in any Prayboy reader's family budget. Expensive surveillance and defense systems protect your house, car and other worldly goods. But what about your most prized possession--your wife? Is she protected against breaking and entering? More importantly--can her lusts be trusted?

Recent research by Christian doctors, many with degrees, have established that changes in heat, size, color and moisture of certain female zones indicate the presence of sin--even when the head of the household is away from home.

Chastitique, a sin-surveillance system using the same materials and electronics that guarantee our national security, takes the worry out of being far. Chastitique's space-age technology ensures that the Eve in your life is securely defended round the clock against both external foreign aggression and internal disloyalty.

Give her the gift that keeps on not giving. A humble $29.95, from the Grumman Girdle Division of Connecticut.

Chastitique's portable earth station lets you monitor, unnoticed, your better half's arousal level by remote control. If your beeper signals trouble, flick the lust-mode adjuster and you'll automatically release enough coolant to douse the crackling flames of Satan up to 263,000 miles away!

*This is not an offer.

**One square inch.

***Prospectus on request.