20 Questions: Billy Crystal

One marvelous thing about actor/comedian Billy Crystal is that although he has portrayed so many marvelous characters on "Saturday Night Live," "Soap" and "The Billy Crystal Comedy Hour"--not to mention the first pregnant man, in the film "Rabbit Test"--he is absolutely marvelous just being himself, even though he is not related to Marvelous Marvin Hagler. Do you know what we're saying, darlings? And we feel we must tell you that he is, of course, a marvelous husband and father. We asked Contributing Editor David Rensin to meet with Crystal in his small but marvelously appointed NBC office. Said Rensin after the interview, "He looked great."

1.

Playboy: What does Fernando have that Ricardo and Cesar don't? And how did he get it?

Crystal: [As Fernando] See, they don't know how to really tap into the pulse of America. You know what I'm saying to you? Cesar did the Batman. He was the Joker, I believe. But he hid behind the mask. It was like a Fellini dinner party when you looked at his face. And Ricardo got fat and lazy with Fantasy Island. He did not need a midget to look good. You know what I'm saying? And I think perhaps they made the mistake of having a lift and tuck that did not take. And so, the face falls. [Pauses] Now, me, I look mahvelous.

This whole thing got started when I was watching The Tonight Show and Fernando Lamas was on. I used to love him on there, because he would say, "You look marvelous, John. That was really marvelous"--but not the way I do it. He would just say it, and that seemed to be the thrust of his in-depth conversation. And then one night Johnny said, "Well, you look great, too." And Fernando said, "I'd rather look good than feel good." I got hysterical. I was running for a pad.

Later, I called up one of my managers and his secretary answered and I said [in voice], "Hello, this is Fernando Lamas. Can I talk with David, please?" And we got into it. It got so funny that the whole office started calling me and saying, "Hello, Billy? Is Fernando there?" Then I started leaving answering-machine messages, and this Fernando thing got very big--but only on the phone.

Finally, when I got my own show at NBC, I was fooling around with Fernando, and my brother, who was a writer on the show, said, "Let's do a talk show and call it The Hideaway." So I would improvise 18 minutes' worth of guests and edit it down. When I brought Fernando to Saturday Night Live, "You look mahvelous" became a sort of catch phrase. The other day, I ran into a two-year-old kid doing it in the supermarket.

Of course, you know that I'm not doing Fernando Lamas. The late Mr. Lamas was a nice, intelligent man. My guy is an idiot. But he means well.

2.

Playboy: Who does not look marvelous?

Crystal: [As Fernando] David Soul. Nice man, needs some work. Billy Dee Williams. I'm confused, Bill. First movies, now Dynasty? I don't get that. Sold out for the bucks? O. J. Simpson. I'm confused. Nice man but bad career moves. Too much time at airports. Next time, walk, don't run, babe. Mel Tormé. Great singer, but this thing [grabs chin] is like a turtleneck. It's amazing-looking. Marlon Brando, this whole weight thing, I don't get it. Is it pain? Am I sensing pain, Marlon? Three hundred pounds! Also, what's with this video, Jermaine Jackson? With the shooting? With the woman trying to kill you in the shower? What the hell is that?

3.

Playboy: You were in the original cast of Saturday Night Live. Should we believe what we read in the press: that you quit because you weren't allowed to develop material at your own pace?

Crystal: No. I was brand-new. I had a deal pending with NBC at the time. The thought was that I would do six appearances and develop into a host. When I went on to do the first show, I saw that my spot was at 12:55 A.M.--not great. But we did a dress rehearsal on Friday and the piece was great, though a bit long. It ran six minutes and Lorne [Michaels, Saturday Night Live's creator] said it had to be trimmed by nearly five. I couldn't. So I called the office and we met here on Saturday--the day of the debut of what I knew was going to be a history-making show. And we went back and forth. It was terribly painful. Eventually, we decided that because of the lack of time, I'd look like a throw-in. Much later, I found out that it had actually come down to a choice between me and Valri Bromfield, based on who had traveled farther. I had come from Long Island. She had come from Toronto.

The night I got bumped, I was already in my make-up. I took the Long Island Rail Road home. It was just awful. I was leaning against the glass, like Dustin Hoffman on the bus at the end of Midnight Cowboy. I got to my apartment and made the phone calls: "Hello, Mom? I'm not going to be on." She said, "What did you say to those people? What did you do, get fired?" That was the worst.

I went on to the other Saturday Night, with Howard Cosell. I have a picture of the marquee from one night: Tonights Guests, Chita Rivera, Gwen Verdon, Roy Clark, Senator Edward Kennedy and Billy Crystal. And then Soap happened. I moved to Los Angeles. But my head and heart were in New York. I didn't feel right for years, until my show was canceled and I got back out on the road, just working, doing stand-up.

4.

Playboy: Many of the characters you now portray are older than you. You're 36. What draws you to the aged?

Crystal: I do them well. I also have a huge fear of getting old. When I was growing up, there was a lot of death in my family. The grandparents were always sick. They were joyous people, with a sense of humor, but always sick. On Passover, we'd be together and there would be 40 people doing "Who's sicker?" You know, "What are you talking about? The fever, 108, it's not a fever. I was dead for six months and didn't know it. I came back because Jews have a sense of humor." I'd hear that and get upset. I loved them, yet I would get up and start imitating them. They got hysterical. And 30 years later, I'm still doing them. When I slid into 35 headfirst, I thought, Boy, this goes fast. Soon you start learning words like minoxidil; learning that you can't play two sets of tennis; that aspirin really does upset your stomach; that you shouldn't swim after a sandwich. So I'm getting ready.

5.

Playboy: Your father started the Commodore jazz record label. Billie Holiday baby-sat for you. Did she sing you to sleep?

Crystal: She baby-sat for me, but my parents didn't give her two dollars an hour to come over. And she didn't sing me to sleep. It wasn't as great as that. My dad ran great jazz concerts: Going to them was the only way I could see him on the weekends. They were called the Sessions. And Billie would be there--though I had no idea who these people were: the giants of jazz, Eddie Condon, Jack Teagarden, all the great (continued on page 175)Billy Crystal(continued from page 141) Dixielanders. I was five or six years old. They were great characters and funny. What I didn't like was being around them when they were drunk or stoned. But I loved the fact that they made people feel good. I would run up on stage and tap-dance with them. That's when I started performing.

My nickname was Face. Billie called me Face or Mr. Billy a lot. I called her Miss Billie and used to imitate her. One time, she took me to see Shane at the Loews State. I sat in her lap. I remember hearing the kid calling after Alan Ladd, "Come back, Shane, my mom wants you!" And Billie cried, "He ain't never comin' back. He ain't gonna come back. When a man makes up his mind to go, he goes."

6.

Playboy: What pisses you off?

Crystal: Rude people. The fact that life goes by so fast. And, on a heavier note, that my father died when I was 15. That got me very angry--still does. You come to a point in life where you want to say, "I'm doing good." But I've got no one--well, my mother and my brothers and I are close, but I miss being able to say to my dad, "Hey, look what I'm doing." It probably started because being the youngest of three brothers, I had to be the loudest. I did a lot of "Look at me," and still do.

I also get upset at people who say, "You do life only once, so get it right." And at my own perfectionism. I'm also angry about being ambivalent.

7.

Playboy: How did you react to the news that Sammy Davis Jr. had incorporated the song Ghostbusters into his act?

Crystal: [As Sammy] "Who are you going to call? Ghostbusters." Really? Oh, no! "I ain't afraid of no ghost." It's just so perfect. I worked with Sammy for two weeks once. It was the most fun I've ever had in show business. He was great to talk with, had great stories. [As Sammy] "I'm at a party and Kim and I are off in a corner." And I'd say, "Kim Novak?" "Yeah. And then Brando comes in." "Marlon?" "Yeah." "Then Bogart and I were having a joint." "Humphrey?" "Yeah." I loved hearing these names. He was such a character. It gave me the juice to do him. I only do people I like. I do them; I don't "get" them. But I hear Sammy is upset about this, and I feel bad. He says I do the old him. But I don't. The new him is more of the old him.

8.

Playboy: What songs can you play on a push-button phone?

Crystal: Camptown Races. Also, a song called I Love Mickey that Teresa Brewer sang in 1956 with Mickey Mantle. It's [sings] "I love Mickey. Three-three-one-one." [Picks up phone and dials] Da-da-da-da. That's Beethoven. Also, The Marriage of Figaro, but I need two phones.

9.

Playboy: How do you shave?

Crystal: Badly--too fast and in the wrong direction. I end up bleeding like someone in a razor-blade war. I look like an aerial view of a farming area, all ruts and stuff.

10.

Playboy: As an ex-ballplayer and a former major-league hopeful, what would you like to tell commissioner Peter Ueberroth?

Crystal: Peter, no designated hitter. That's not baseball. It puts too much of a burden on the starting pitcher. It's taken strategy out of the game. I'm an old-fashioned guy. I wish they'd outlaw Astroturf. I also hate double-knit uniforms. And I'd especially like to re-establish players' staying with hometown clubs for 20 years. It was great knowing Mantle would be a Yankee his entire career. That's why I love Carl Yastrzemski. I do a piece on a fan waiting to give Yaz five in the victory lap. It's the most emotional thing. When Yaz finally passes, the guy's thought is, He looks so much bigger up close. Then he touches him and it's "Goodbye, Shane."

11.

Playboy: Who is your best friend and why?

Crystal: Rob Reiner. Well, there are two people I love very much, Rob and ... but this is going to hurt the third one. OK. Rob and a screenwriter named Eric Roth. We share the same point of view. It's strength in numbers when we go, "Wait a second. Am I nuts? Or why do I think of Molly Goldberg when I have an org--do you? Yes!" The same hang-ups. "Life is a bitch and then you die."

12.

Playboy: You're a family man with two children. What kind of advice will you give your older daughter about men?

Crystal: Don't give it up too soon. Make sure you like him. Boy, am I boring here. [Pauses] I haven't done it yet, but she's 12 and I'll have to--unless her mother does it. So I guess I'll be saying, "Jenny, make sure you get at least dinner and a movie." That sounds terrible. You're hitting an area in me that's so fearful. I do a piece on stage about her fantasy boyfriend's coming to the door. I'm sitting there and the bell rings. And the guy is gigantic! It's, like, "Look at the size of this thing!" He says, "Is Jenny home?" I worry, because it's going to happen. She's cute, charming, got it all. I'd hate to say, "Experiment," because I know where that goes. I guess I'd just say, "Be patient, take your time and the right guy will come to you." Corny but true.

13.

Playboy: What's the most amazing thing a doctor has said to you at checkup time?

Crystal: "What is that, a spoon?" No. "How'd you get that mouse in there?" They call it rat running in San Francisco. OK--here's the truth. Two things.

In 1961, I was getting ready for my bar mitzvah. I was very small, very thin. I have a brother 6'2", another 5'10", but my grandparents were lab mice. It's in the genes, but I kept feeling shortchanged. So my mother took me to a doctor to get my "spaces" X-rayed for a prognosis on my growth rate, because she had an awful vision that I was going to be a midget wrestler one day. So the doctor came out of the office after the exam and said, "Maybe 5'8"." That was the worst thing I'd ever heard in my life. So they put me on these appetite pills, because now I wasn't eating. I ate my brains out. In two months, I gained 30 pounds. But I didn't grow an inch. I became this little fat kid for my bar mitzvah, ripping my suit seams, standing on a milk crate behind the pulpit.

The other thing is embarrassing. [Pauses] Oh, well.... I'd had chest pains and a little lump on my breast. I thought my life was over, that I had cancer. We all have that big cancer alert, no matter what it is. The doctor said I was growing a breast because of a hormonal problem. It's incredibly common.

14.

Playboy: Defend game shows.

Crystal: I would like to appear on Jeopardy. It's the root of Trivial Pursuit. I love the show. I've done Hollywood Squares, but it was uncomfortable. I felt like Caryl Chessman. I was in the "death box," sitting next to Rose Marie, who was saying [deep voice] "Billy, do you know anyone for me?" I'll take Cliff Arquette to block. However, I am the world's champion $20,000 Pyramid player. I own the fastest time. It's very hard not to say "Ah" under pressure, but it was one of those things that just clicked. It was literally one clue for each answer. I did it in 26 seconds. I have a cassette of it that I look at now and then. It was ridiculous.

15.

Playboy: You're managed by the people who handle Woody Allen. What's it like bumping into him in the hall?

Crystal: Bumping into him in the hall is scary. It's like, "Hi, I shouldn't be in the same world." He's an idol of mine. He's sweet and very shy, but you get the feeling that he doesn't really want to talk to you. But we talked about jazz. He knew who my father was. Later, we played three-man basketball in a gym that Woody had rented. He wore two pairs of black socks, a headband, white T-shirt, some kind of shorts. He was a good outside shot. It's weird. I was 26 years old at the time and I was guarding Woody Allen. So I started to press him. [Laughs, imitates Allen] "Please ... would you not guard me so close? I have trouble with that." Then we played these two taller guys and he said, "I don't think it's a good idea. It's sort of Kafkaesque." But we beat them. That was in 1976. I haven't really seen him since.

16.

Playboy: What joke do you tell when you're put on the spot?

Crystal: Like now? There are a couple. OK. There are two guys watching a great Dane lick his balls. For an hour. They're mesmerized. One guy turns to the other and says, "I wish I could do that." The other says, "You'd better pet him first; he looks awfully mean." Stupid. Another? There's this old Jewish couple in divorce court. They're, like, 90. And the judge says, "You want a divorce after all these years?" The man says, "Yes. Ever since we were married." "So why did you wait so long?" "We were waiting for the children to die." OK, last one, hardly any punch line. An actor comes home and finds his house all ripped apart. He can't find his wife. "Honey? Honey?" Nothing. Then he hears some murmuring in the closet, opens the door, finds her beaten and raped. He goes nuts. "My God, honey, who did this? Tell me so I can kill him." Finally, she says, "OK. It was your agent." He says, "My agent came to the house?"

17.

Playboy: Are you a guys' guy or a girls' guy?

Crystal: What's a guys' guy? Someone who spits and drinks Löwenbräu? I think I'm a girls' guy. I think that comes with having kids. I'm very considerate and an incredible lover. I like women, being with them. I love my wife. We've been together since 1966. No matter where I am, I call. I never take a job on her birthday.

18.

Playboy: Are you funny in bed?

Crystal: I've been told that. You mean during sex? Gotta laugh--at the right times. [Becomes Fernando] It's one thing to be that wild, instinctive chimpanzee of love that I can be, [as Billy] but when my wife says, "Wear the Sammy make-up home," I get scared. But we have a few laughs. The most human moments are when we're stuck to each other. Those things. I'm hurting. Those are funny moments, but, you know, they're over so quickly that there really is no time for laughs. Hmm. I guess I am Jewish!

19.

Playboy: What do you know about comedy that newcomers will learn?

Crystal: Mel Brooks once said to me, "Hang in there. I didn't make it until I was 52 years old." And you've got to do what you believe in. Also, don't have an agent or a manager. Stay out of Ferraris and any other small Italian car. Work honestly. Don't eat fatty food before a show, because it just lies there.

20.

Playboy: What can't you do that you would really like to do?

Crystal: Grow. My ideal height would be six feet--5'10", even. Look, 5'4" would be great. No. I'd like to grow because then I could have played baseball. And I'd feel more comfortable doing nude scenes.

What else? I'd like to know how to tip. I'm an idiot there. I'd like to understand foreign currency. I hate it when I give the money and the guy goes, "Thank you, g'v'nor." I'd also like to be able to do the new math. And sit down and play the piano instantly. I play the clarinet. I look at the piano and it's like a Yiddish newspaper. But most of all, I'd like to be able to just walk onto The Tonight Show and say, "Excuse me, Johnny, but we're just taping across the hall. How you doin'?"