20 Questions: Justine Bateman

Robert Crane cornered the less-than-bashful "Family Ties" star Justine Bateman at her home in the Hollywood Hills. He reports, "Justine wore a black miniskirt and a black tank top. The outfit brought tears to my eyes. She confessed that she would eventually like to be a magazine editor, though she doesn't actually know what an editor does. She would love to observe. I was able to cajole Playboy 's Articles Editor, John Rezek, into showing Justine the ropes--what he does and how he does it. The logistics are being worked out."

1.

[Q] Playboy: In what ways are you like and unlike Mallory, your character on Family Ties?

[A] Bateman: Mallory is in me somewhere. It's really a relief to play her, because she has almost no worries; she grew up with an older brother and a family that had nine-to-five jobs. It's a protected environment. She loves life, and just everything's groovy with Mallory.

On the other hand, I had a higher grade-point average than she did. I'm much less open when I meet people. We dress differently. We look the same; that's about it. Mallory is much more concerned with looking absolutely correct. I'm more into letting the clothes reflect how I'm feeling that day. I wear black a lot.

2.

[Q] Playboy: What would be your dream exit on your last episode of Family Ties?

[A] Bateman: Mallory is comparing her relationship with Nick with that of Alex and whoever he is with at the time, and she says, "The great thing about Nick and me is that I feel so comfortable with him. I don't have to think when I'm with him. It's like we have one collective mind." Alex says, "Who's using it tonight?" Mallory says, "God, I don't know."

3.

[Q] Playboy: Sports car. Home in the hills. Have you gone Hollywood?

[A] Bateman: If you had $50,000, you'd buy a Porsche, too. I always ask my business managers, "How am I doing? Am I spending too much money?" They say, "Give me a break. You spend, like, nothing." There comes a point when you have to spend your money. It's not smart to keep paying rent--for tax reasons. You can't just keep putting your money in a money market. I sat back and thought, This is nuts. I'm 20 years old and I bought a house? It's really nice not to get slips of paper under the door saying, "Move your car" or "The rent's going up three percent."

4.

[Q] Playboy: What's the strangest thing we would find in your purse?

[A] Bateman: A puck. A Swiss army knife. I have pens, clips, Porsche keys, Trident gum, money. A Hard Rock Cafe Express card. It's funny; once you're in a position to get these cards, you don't need them anymore. I have a valuable phone book.

5.

[Q] Playboy: How should a young, attractive woman prepare for Hollywood?

[A] Bateman: Really like yourself a lot. Be prepared to be rejected because of the color of your hair or because you're not it that year--you don't have the right look or they don't like your acting. Make sure you are a good actor.

6.

[Q] Playboy: Do you have any advice for Lisa Bonet?

[A] Bateman: It's her career, it's her choice. If I were in that position, I wouldn't have taken that role in Angel Heart. Essentially, she was the tits and ass in the film. I didn't see the necessity of it. What Julie Andrews did in S.O.B. was great; it worked. If it's just to take it off to take it off, hire someone else to do it.

7.

[Q] Playboy: When you lunch with your friends, what are the recurring themes? Plumbing? Sex?

[A] Bateman: I don't really talk about sex with that many people. It's, like, why talk about it? Even though you try to avoid it, you always wind up talking about films. Always. Or old Twilight Zone episodes. I don't sit around and gab about guys, because I'm usually with guys. Me and my guy friends gab about girls. I learn a lot from that. I've been hanging out with guys since I was six. I've learned things, like don't start calling him every night if he's not calling you, because he's trying to gently say that when he's ready to call you, he's going to call you. Don't get hung up on that. Go live your life. If he happens to call you later, you might even have forgotten about him.

Girls should know about football. At Thanksgiving, I always resented the fact that it was assumed that I would go in the kitchen and help. I wanted to watch the football games, too.

So many girls don't know how to hang out and talk with guys. "So, what's going on in your life now?" "Just work and stuff." "Oh, really? What have you done?" It's like this interview. Girls are always interviewing guys. Just hang.

8.

[Q] Playboy: How does the sentence begin that indicates the guy's a total dork?

[A] Bateman: It's not a sentence, it's an attitude. You're walking through a club on the way to the rest room and there's some guy on the other side of the room who calls you over with his finger. "Me?" His finger motions you over.

Here's something I really despise: You're standing at the corner, waiting to cross the street, and you're just thinking--right?--and some guy comes up to you and says, "Hey, smile; life's not that bad." You want to turn around and say, "What the fuck makes you think you've got any right to tell me how I'm feeling?"

I went into a store the other day and I was chewing on the end of my glasses, and the guy who was working there said, "Don't chew on your glasses." I said, "Why not?" He said, "You shouldn't." I said, "Says who?" He said, "I'm just kidding." You never find a girl going up to a guy and saying, "Hey, cheer up! Smile! What are you so miserable about?" He'll turn around and belt you.

9.

[Q] Playboy: What line never fails with you?

[A] Bateman: "Want to see my Harley?"

10.

[Q] Playboy: Is it in his kiss?

[A] Bateman: Yes. And the way he dances.

11.

[Q] Playboy: Who leaves first in your relationships, you or the man?

[A] Bateman: Me. (concluded on page 182) Justine Bateman (continued from page 121) I once went to a wedding where there was one unlit candle in the middle and one lighted candle on either side of it, representing each of those people. They each took a candle, they lit that center candle together and then blew their own candles out. I thought that was the most asinine thing I'd ever seen, because you're blowing out your own individuality, which is what attracted you to each other.

If I ever get married, it will be at a big party on the beach in Mexico. Why start a marriage on a serious note?

12.

[Q] Playboy: What sex acts do not constitute adultery?

[A] Bateman: Flirting.

13.

[Q] Playboy: Take us on a tour of your body. Which are your favorite and least favorite features?

[A] Bateman: Any time I gain weight, it goes straight to the hips. But if you want to change that, go to the gym and change that. I like everything OK. Sometimes, I look in the mirror and say, "Oh, my hair won't go anywhere I want it to go and I just look like putty and my face looks like Play-Doh." You get over it. I'm always checking out the guitar calluses on my fingers. From the waist up, that's always OK. I do bench presses to get it right.

14.

[Q] Playboy: Which animals should die for your footwear?

[A] Bateman: I hate to think of it that way, because I do have little shoes with fur on them. Cockroaches. We should do something with cockroaches. That's one thing we don't need. When there is a nuclear disaster and all human life is gone, cockroaches will rule the earth. Why is that?

15.

[Q] Playboy: Is it true you never wear underwear on Family Ties?

[A] Bateman: There's nothing more annoying than seeing panty lines on women. So I wear panty hose on TV, but I never wear panty hose in real life.

16.

[Q] Playboy: What can't be forgiven?

[A] Bateman: Destroying your trust in a person. When you really trust someone and he does something that would never enter your mind. Like embezzlement. Something comes out of a person's mouth that you just can't believe. Just when you thought you knew someone.

17.

[Q] Playboy: What's the antidote to jealousy?

[A] Bateman: Get your own shit together. You'll never have a problem with it if you're really secure and happy with yourself. Too many people live their lives according to how other people perceive them. You start getting sucked into that and the person you're with won't want to be with you anymore.

18.

[Q] Playboy: You haven't attended a college or university, but you're rich enough to endow a chair at one. In which department? At which institution?

[A] Bateman: It would definitely be in art or journalism. And I'm partial to the schools that accepted me: Northwestern, NYU, BU, Dartmouth.

19.

[Q] Playboy: What's the worst rumor you've heard about Hollywood?

[A] Bateman: That the squirrels in Los Angeles have the black plague. That if you get bitten by a squirrel, you're in deep shit.

But I certainly wouldn't move. I recently spent eight weeks in South Carolina, and eight weeks away from home is too much. I miss traffic jams. I miss Winchell's doughnuts. I miss smog. I miss waiting in line to get into a restaurant. In Los Angeles, you start complaining about the tiniest little things. I like L.A.

20.

[Q] Playboy: Disprove the vicious slander perpetrated on your gender: Tell us a joke with the punch line intact.

[A] Bateman: Why is six afraid of seven? [Pauses, trying to remember joke] Oh, yeah, because seven eight nine.

Have I saved the female race?

tv's cupcake on how she hangs out with the boys, avoids jealousy and never has a visible panty line

"In Los Angeles, you start complaining about the tiniest little things. I like L.A."