Playboy's Guide to Holiday Deportment

articleby Glenn O'Brien they're back. The holidays. That magical time of year when joy and conviviality replace our business-as-usual mentality, when traditions come alive, when the human race wears a smile on its face and a heart on its sleeve. It is a special time of year, not to be taken lightly. It requires a special code of behavior. Politeness is really armor we put on for our protection, as well as for the protection of others. Here are a few ideas on how to use it to have a happy, safe, nonviolent and possibly joyous holiday.

Family

During the holidays, many people see more of their families--both immediate and extended--than they do during the rest of the year. This can mean reliving good times, reaffirming solid bonds and growing together. It can also mean unlimited opportunities for anxiety attacks, lifelong grudge matches, expert button pushing, savage reprisals and inhuman vilification. No matter what insights you achieved during a John Bradshaw seminar, now is not the time to share them.

Thanksgiving

We sometimes forget that the season officially kicks off with this delightfully nondenominational, uniquely American holiday. Thanksgiving is not expensive. It has no controversial aspects. Its main form of celebration is a traditional meal that can be quite delicious, or at the very least totally filling.

It's a time of year when strange root vegetables appear on the table and people find themselves asking. "This is so good, why do we eat it only once a year?"

The important thing about Thanksgiving is to remember the big idea and thank everyone who deserves it. Think of all the things you have to be thankful for. And at least try the squash pie. It's not going to kill you. Probably.

In the Home

Holiday decorations can bring extra cheer into your life. For as long as 30 days. After the beginning of the new year, lingering trees, wreaths and lights are a kind of visual hangover that can lead to depression, illness and even death.

What are important to remember are safe electrical practices. Before mounting on your roof an illuminated Santa's sleigh and eight reindeer, read your homeowner's policy thoroughly. The local government may be able to tell you when you can water your lawn, but you still have the freedom to overdecorate your house once a year. The way the Griswold family home looks in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation is a triumph of the American spirit. If it's too bright for the neighbors, let them pull their shades.

Christmas carolers have a place in our society. As long as they can sing. As long as they are brief. And as long as they don't have a recommended donation. Carolers violating these ancient standards should be dealt with by nautical air-horn blasts.

The Office Party

Once a healthy annual bacchanal in which rules were suspended for a few hours, allowing co-workers regardless of position to conduct themselves with relative abandon, the holiday office party has been tamed, censored and regulated in recent years. It's now but a dim reminder of its former self. Still, there are plenty of pitfalls.

Companies are now legitimately concerned about liability in instances of on-premises drinking, and so imbibing has been drastically reduced, even eliminated. Now is not the time to impress the C.E.O. that you can chug a liter of peach schnapps. She won't be amused. She probably won't even be drinking.

Flirtation, an annual release of sexual tensions accumulated over a calendar year of sublimation, was once the main attraction at office holiday parties. Full-blown lusts were revealed and even sated. All that has changed with the revolution in sexual politics. Now even the boozy brush of an elbow can lead to the unemployment line or the courtroom.

Sexual harassment in the workplace probably goes back to the cave office, but only in the past ten years has anything been done about it. Oddly, it is now much safer to come on to someone above you in the organizational chart. If you have eyes for a subordinate, you may have to wait for her to make the first move. It's OK to drop a hint. And you may want to have witnesses.

When elected to play Santa Claus at the office, do not allow anyone to sit on your lap (concluded on page 206)Holiday Deportment(continued from page 170) unless she has signed a release or waiver form.

Mistletoe

This parasitical plant, sacred to Druids, is a most convenient ice-breaking device. Usually, those found lingering under a cluster of Loranthaceae are fair game for kissing. But occasionally the object of one's desire will be found standing beneath it unawares. When planting an unsolicited kiss, just remember that the small white berries of the mistletoe are poisonous and you don't want anyone stuffing your martini olives with them.

Gift Giving

There are two kinds of holiday gifts--those given out of the generosity of one's heart and those given out of a feeling of obligation and reciprocity. Put another way: those that are deductible and those that are nondeductible.

One major problem that confronts most of us at this time of year is how much to spend in a reciprocal-gift-giving situation. Spend too much and the recipients may feel like cheapskates. Spend too little and you could be out the door.

It's a safe bet to spend approximately what they spent on you the year before, taking inflation and other factors into account--such as their behavior.

Never give anyone a tie. It's much too personal. Give him underwear instead. Never give perfume to a woman unless you know her preferences. Try handing her her favorite magazine and notice which page she stops at.

Never give the children of your friends or loved ones home-video-game systems. Give such toys to the children of those to whom you are obligated but quietly dislike.

When sending relatives a check for Christmas, notify them if you are deducting it from your income tax as payroll.

Imbibing

The holidays are the time for eggnog and hot toddies. It's probably not a good idea to be the first person to try any mystery punch. If 15 minutes have passed after the first person has tasted it and no evidence of hallucinations or vomiting has appeared, it's probably safe to have a glass.

In these days of epidemic salmonella, eggnog may not be the best idea unless it is one of those commercially made pasteurized nogs.

Avoid experimenting during the holidays; particularly resist the temptation to reach way back into the liquor cabinet for those strangely shaped bottles containing oddly colored liqueurs. They are back there for a reason.

New Year's Eve

New Year's is the most universal holiday. It's the time when everyone resets the odometer of life, wringing out the old and ringing in the new.

Traditionally, this is a time when people make resolutions. This is not a bad thing as long as you keep it simple. It's also a good idea not to tell anybody. Why disappoint everyone when you can simply disappoint yourself?

Never do anything with the thought, Well, once a year isn't going to kill me.

New Year's Eve is the best night of the year to stay home. Real party people call it amateurs' night. Spend it with a few close friends. Don't drink and drive. Drink and play Atari's Pole Position.

New year's Day

Don't think of today as the first day of the rest of your life. It's not going to be New Year's Day forever. January second is a much better first day of the rest of your life. Or even ground-hog day.

Many people begin the new year the hard way. With a vengeful hangover. Forget hangover cures. The only cure is prevention. But if you are going to have only one hangover this year, you may as well get it over with today--it is a legal holiday. And how alert do you have to be to watch the Rose Bowl Parade?

If you live with a woman, try to limit your viewing to two bowl games. You never know what sort of resolutions your squeeze may have made. It's a new year. Why press your luck?

Religious Ceremonies

You may be asked to attend the services of a faith that is not your own. As a rule of thumb, it's safe to emulate the conduct of the worshipers around you. With a few exceptions: Don't sing the hymns unless you know the words. And it is best not to take Communion; if you do, don't chew or ask for seconds. Male gentiles attending Jewish services may be asked to wear a yarmulke. Under no circumstances should it be referred to as a beanie.

Game watching with Relatives

When watching football with your father-in-law, it is probably best to avoid the subject of who has the hottest cheerleaders. If your in-laws are rooting for the other team, avoid yelling "Yes!" or leaping to your feet when your team plays well. As in the N.F.L., displays of emotion will be penalized.

Table Talk

Most holiday accidents do not occur on the road or in the bathroom, they occur at the dinner table. And although few of these are fatal, they can have lasting consequences. Limit conversation to safe topics. These do not include race, religion, politics, art, sex, morals or the criminal-justice system. Even entertainment can be an emotional mine field. That silly soap-opera Romeo could be closer to a relative's heart than you are, so watch it.

Safe topics, when discussed within bounds, are weather and sports; just don't get into global warming or the designated hitter.

Tipping

When the holidays arrive, one is expected to tip an array of people who serve us throughout the year. The correct tip can significantly influence the relationship. It can help you get your mail promptly, keep the dinks out of your car doors, expedite travel plans and ensure your doorman's discretion. If you're in doubt about whether or not to give someone a holiday tip, go ahead, tip. If it's someone you're not supposed to tip, he will inform you. Your psychiatrist, for example, will probably refuse a tip. If he doesn't, maybe it's an indication that you have recovered. Still, it's usually best not to attempt tipping teachers, the IRS or the police.

K.P.

If you're a house guest for the holidays, you're likely to pull some kitchen duty. It's only fair to do your share. Just remember that you're cleaning up, not introducing new and more efficient systems to the household. Recycling and composting are great, but this may not be the best time to introduce your in-laws to the concepts. Do things their way. If you sense trouble, it may be best to get out of it. Have your allergies act up or your back go out and do some other kind of volunteer work, such as walking the dog or mixing martinis.

Bad Behavior

After carefully observing holiday etiquette through a variety of pressure situations, you may be ready to explode. You may have to explode. But there are guidelines even to exploding.

If you feel the urge to put a lamp shade on your head, make sure it is not made of leaded stained glass. If you must put something down the back or front of a lady's dress, make it a clean ice cube, not sweet-and-sour shrimp. And if you write your name in the snow, don't do it in the handwriting of a married woman.

"Have your back go out and do some other volunteer work, such as walking the dog or mixing martinis."