And on Channel 371...Cat Aerobics!

The moment the cable TV industry announced its plans to expand to 500 channels, a host of entrepreneurs, promoters, hustlers and Barry Diller wanna-bes began trotting out their ideas for programming to fill those channels. Already gearing up are, in fact, the Golf Channel, Food Channel and Military Channel (which, if God has a sense of humor, will wind up positioned next to the inevitable Gay-Lesbian Channel).

The ominous aspect to all this is the concurrent telecommunications revolution, which will cross-wire everything (TV sets, telephones, personal computers) with everything else (satellite dishes, CB radios, garage-door openers), meaning you won't just have access to 500 TV channels, you'll be unable to avoid them.

Switch on your PC and the screen will display a Brady Bunch cast member doing a leg-wax infomercial. Plug in your blow-drier and you'll find yourself staring at the Elephant Man in the mirror. Turn on your waffle iron and your microwave oven door will light up with--yikes Jesu!--Richard Simmons.

The only defense against this video onslaught may simply be to start your own TV channel. There will be some 450 new slots available on the dial, and if your channel's program content appeals to enough people to fill a 747, you can probably make a go of it.

Here are just a few promising channel concepts that will get your creative juices flowing:

The Star Trek Channel: Talk about a no-brainer! This is the closest that TV comes to heroin dealing. There are people who would postpone a kidney transplant rather than miss Deep Space Nine. This obsessed bunch will devour all the Trek movies, series reruns, cartoons and "making of" documentaries you can throw at them. Add Trek trivia game shows, heated factional debates (Spock vs. Data: Who's Most Way-Cool?), cast biographies (Whoopi Goldberg: How It Came to This), philosophical analyses (Why Is It that Even Alien Ectoplasms Speak English Better than Ensign Chekhov?) and your adults-only, late-night parody, Captain's Log, and we may be talking two channels here. Fine--whatever it takes to keep Trekkers glued to their sets and off the streets.

The Migraine Channel: It's our most widespread chronic affliction. Sponsors would include Squibb, Upjohn, Sandoz, Miles and your many other concerned and sympathetic friends in the pharmaceutical industry. This could be a veritable gold mine. Then again, (continued on page 162)And on Channel 371...(continued from page 121) the fact that the programming would consist mostly of pain-reliever commercials interspersed with first-person horror stories, doctors' descriptions of possible symptoms, heavy-metal and rap videos and old Jerry Lewis movies--thereby inducing far more attacks than it could ever help alleviate--might raise some eyebrows at the FCC.

The Dysfunctional Family Channel: Designed for all those viewers whose domestic lives and arrangements bear no resemblance whatsoever to the hearth-and-home wholesomeness depicted on the Family Channel, those who identify more with the Bundys than with the Waltons. Reruns of Dynasty, Peyton Place, Soap, Dallas, Roseanne, The Simpsons and so forth. Luridly revealing documentaries on the Kennedys, Reagans, Windsors, Jacksons and Partridges; long, painful interviews with Roseanne Arnold, Carol Burnett, Woody and Mia's kids, etc. Sure, it sounds dreary--but consider how many millions of us will feel much better about ourselves.

The Amish Channel: On the plus side, there's a wellspring of fascination and curiosity about these enchanting folk across America, possibly even enough to attract viewers to such captivating features as That Wondrous Workhorse, the Butter Churn, CB or Not CB--Survival vs. Principle, What's New with Anvils?, Checkers: The Puritans' Game Boy, The Buggy Whip 500 Enduro and Wood-Stove Chef. On the minus side, demographically the Amish rank just above the comatose in TV sets per household.

The Lawyers Channel: Admittedly, you would get a vastly larger audience with, say, the Death to Lawyers Channel, but the key here is ad revenue. The legal fraternity is the kind of upscale market that high-end sponsors happily spend fortunes to access. Let other channels squeak by on Ginsu knife spots. You'll fatten up off BMW, Merrill Lynch, Rolex and others eager to jump on board such attorney magnets as Reform Alert (updates on the latest insidious movements, legislation and grass-roots campaigns to police the legal profession), Comedy Court (lawyer-comedians delivering stand-up diatribes at the expense of doctors, bankers and CPAs), I'm $10K, You're $10K (tips on justifying exorbitant billings and settlement shares), Duck and Cover (the latest in security, metal detectors, body armor) and Gucci Care (sharp tassels make for sharp summations).

The Kevorkian Channel: Look, this is television--it's not for the squeamish or the principled. Let's face it, 30 million people watch the Indianapolis 500 just on the chance that somebody will buy the farm. You're merely eliminating the doubt and the time-consuming tedium. Think of this channel as snuff films with a humanitarian rationale. (Everyone dies; the goal is to do so with dignity and, even better, solid ratings.) Most important, the funeral industry will buy all the commercial time you have to offer.

The Cats Channel: If there's a more obsessively devoted segment of the population than cat owners and fanciers, Rupert Murdoch would like to hear about it. Whatever the cat angle, these folks will devour it: cat-show highlights, cat-behavior call-ins, Cats Through History, catnip detox programs, A Day in the Life of Socks Clinton, cat accessory infomercials ("It's a comb, it's a leash, it's a compass, but that's not all!"), backstage with the cast of Cats, cat health features (Our Misunderstood Friend, the Furball), stupid cat tricks, Morris' Great Performances, at least a dozen Disney movies and hours of cartoon fun starring Sylvester, Felix, Garfield, Fritz and the Pink Panther.

The Comedy-Weather Channel: The two phenomena enjoy such large and avid followings that each already has its own channel. Now, if one were to combine these two popular concepts--well, success seems inevitable. Maybe this logic didn't work for Cop Rock, but there actually might be people out there who are torn between the comedy and the weather buttons. Go after them! Willard Scott has pretty much proved that you can blend the two themes successfully. There are scores of small local stations where the goofy weather guy has a better office (and contract) than the programming director.

The Elvis Channel: Why isn't this already on the air? The take from your TV-shoppers shows alone (souvenirs, artifacts, collectibles, "exact replicas," etc.) should easily cover the cost of all the movies by, movies about, and videos and performance footage of the King, plus such fascinating fare as His Life: The Real Story (a new version by a different old crony or relative each week), Nightly Sighting Update, Eat Like a King--His Favorite Recipes and This Week at Graceland. There are endless fan-club profiles and activities, and visits to various shrines. Also, interviews with those who knew him when and those who've seen him lately. And of course, the ever-popular Impersonator-of-the-Week contest.

The AA Channel: They call Alcoholics Anonymous a program, don't they? Well, then. Allot, say, one hour to each of the 12 steps; that's half your broadcast day right there. The remainder could be devoted to national meetings, with scores of chapters linked together electronically, creating a heightened sense of fellowship, resolve and irony: You finally get your 15 minutes of fame on TV, but nobody knows who you are.

The Pan Flute Channel: Zamfir has sold more albums than Three Dog Night, and he's just the tip of this musical iceberg. Hour after hour of easy-listening videos, many homemade, by more than 1500 pan flutists, rendering your favorite tunes in their individual styles. Nearly 300 versions of Somewhere, My Love. Brought to you by K-Tel.

The Geek Channel: For that enormous invisible segment of society that depends on TV to provide the quality experience otherwise known as a life. The legions of goofy-looking dweebs and misfits who inhabit viewerland are yours to claim, given programming they can relate to, such as Always in Style: The Moe Howard Look, and So Funny I Forgot to Laugh--Shrugging Off Others' Cheap Jokes and Snide Remarks, and Feel-Good Fotos, a montage of celebrities' high school yearbook pictures. And don't forget Who's Laughing Now?, your series of inspiring biographies of those who triumphed over geekhood: Abe Lincoln, Lyle Lovett, Eleanor Roosevelt, Billy Joel, Sandra Bernhard, Larry Bird et al. Each broadcast day concludes with footage of George Bush throwing up in Japan.

The Impotence Channel: Here's another demographic bloc whose social calendar is basically TV Guide. Once you get them past the emotional hurdle of extending the antenna to its full length in order to get your signal to come in strongly, you can win hearts with shows like Tumescence or Not Tumescence (psychological rationalizations and defenses), War Injury (creative excuses and alibis), Techno-Pop (latest hydraulic-device innovations) and as many hours of Dr. Ruth fielding phone calls as her constitution permits.

The Sally Struthers Channel: Somalia, Bosnia, Haiti, Pakistan, Bangladesh, Nepal, Philadelphia; give this gal a fast plane and a camera crew and there's more than enough human deprivation to fill a broadcast day with the lifestyles of the starving and destitute, and to fill whole hosts of viewers with the warm glow of knowing that at least they're not these poor bastards. As long as someone, somewhere, is going to bed hungry, there's no way Sally will, and no reason for you to do so, either.

The Wine Channel: For the entire gamut of vin fanciers, from Bordeaux snobs to Chilean riffraff. Start with the Sunrise Screw-Cap Report for those who like to begin each day by ending it, and proceed through hours of televised tastings and evaluations, crop estimates, auction previews and tips on wine etiquette, e.g., How to Out-Sneer the Sommelier When Returning a Claret. Match content to chronology with The Champagne Hour at 6:00, Dinner Selections at 7:00, Hello, Sherry at 9:30 and Any Port in a Storm at midnight. Feel free to get cute with show titles, such as Rhine Time Live (fine German varietals) and Merde, She Wrote (no-holds-barred critiques).

The Howie Mandel Channel: What the heck, let's see just how thin we can stretch this premise.

"Allot, say, one hour to each of the 12 steps; that's half your broadcast day right there."