20 Questions: Tom Arnold

our favorite meatpackerturned-actor on having a famous exwife, the joys of head-chiseling and what it was like to hang out in his underwear with the other arnold

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He is more than the most famous ex-husband in showbiz today. He's a comedian, a TV producer and most recently a budding movie star who was critically praised for playing Arnold Schwarzenegger's sidekick in "True Lies." Currently, Tom Arnold is co-starring with Hugh Grant in "Nine Months." He plays a guy with three kids and another on the way who tries to get Grant to embrace fatherhood when Grant's girlfriend gets pregnant. Yes, folks, this is the same Tom Arnold who, during his well-publicized marriage to Roseanne, was dismissed as just another no-talent chump, a Svengali who mesmerized his then-wife into sharing her clout and her coattails. Arnold denies having devious motives. He freely admits that Roseanne gave him a leg up. And what a leg it was. Together they dominated the tabloids and each other. Side by side they pushed her hit show "Roseanne" to higher ratings. Arnold also tried two sitcoms on his own, "The Jackie Thomas Show" and "Tom," but both died young, as did his marriage. Arnold, however, lives on. We sent Contributing Editor David Rensin, who conducted the June 1993 "Playboy Interview" with Tom and Roseanne, to check in on the hyperenergetic entertainer at his rambling, rented Beverly Hills home. Says Rensin, "Tom bounded down a long staircase and, with a smile from ear to ear, shouted 'Hey, buddy.' I'd have felt like a long-lost pal, except that he calls everyone buddy."

1.

Playboy: Audiences loved you in True Lies. You have since done Nine Months, and the buzz has been good. Two more films are pending. After being dumped by Roseanne and characterized as a chump, is respect the best revenge?

Arnold: Whatever it is, it's pretty nice. Before True Lies, I was perceived as being so far down and out that people were saying my career was over and that I'd have to go back to the meatpacking plant in Iowa. That would be bad--because they won't hire me back. [Laughs] I knew things would be bad for a while, so I just waited it out. Now it's pretty sweet.

2.

Playboy: When you were married to Roseanne, you tried hard to have a kid. Now she's pregnant, and the father is her new husband. Has your manhood suffered?

Arnold: I'm just grateful we didn't have any kids. I see my buddies who have kids and are going through divorces, and it's a killer. An absolute killer. And it stays with you. When you have kids with somebody, you're with them. Divorced or not, they're in your life. I feel very grateful. You know what? I'm happy she's pregnant. I hupe it's a healthy pregnancy and that they have a beautiful baby, and that they're both happy and content. Seriously. Maybe then they'll leave me the fuck alone!

3.

Playboy: Look back at the marriage and rate your performance.

Arnold: I was 30 years old. I'd just gotten sober. Suddenly, I've got a wife, and four stepkids who need good parenting, as all kids do. And Roseanne is telling me, "Listen, I can't do it. I'm going through tough times and I can't do it alone. There are a lot of things I can't do." As the relationship developed, everything--from her show on--was put in my lap. I didn't necessarily do a perfect job. I had no idea what I was doing a lot of times. But I did a lot of good things, and I did my best. You might say we were two co-dependent personalities. For a long time one of us was out front and the other ran things. Then it shifted. I'm not saying that's why we divorced. But I will say that if I wanted to stay married, I was going to have to give up being in the movies. That was made very clear.

4.

Playboy: You mean you weren't willing to give up work for love?

Arnold: For a good marriage you can give up anything, but you also have to wonder what's behind that. When I made True Lies I was out of California a lot and it was hard. I realized something important: The only way I was going to be able to have a career was to work. Imagine that. I'm not knocking what I had. Running the Roseanne show was great. I even loved having my own shows every year on different networks. [Laughs] But the truth is that I had to take a risk. I did not choose my career over my family in any way, but it seemed to me that to make things better, I had to make myself even more independent. I thought the marriage and the family would be a lot better. I still wanted to help out, but not to do everything.

5.

Playboy: In Nine Months you co-star with English heartthrob Hugh Grant. As actors and people you couldn't seem more different, at least on the surface. What's it like when worlds collide?

Arnold: He went to Oxford. I never graduated from the University of Iowa. And we're certainly different in the movie: I'm a dad with three kids, and he's going nuts at the idea of giving up the single life when his girlfriend gets pregnant. I keep trying to sell him on fatherhood, and basically I become his worst nightmare. But personally, we have many things in common. He's very funny--not that I'm saving I'm very funny, but I think I am. An important thing to notice about Hugh, is his hair. He has great hair. Several people on the film were involved with it, from the director to his hair people. I think we lost about three days of production just sitting around between takes while they fluffed his hair.

6.

Playboy: If the two of you went looking for babes at a bar, who would score?

Arnold: He's suave and sophisticated, whereas I am probably more friendly. I've seen him turn on that special charm. People enjoy it. Hugh has a lot of advantages over me in the charm department. So I tried to help him with the friendliness-with-the-regular-folks factor. He'd do well at a bar, though. But I would probably be the one to get things going for him.

7.

Playboy: You are a farm boy from Iowa. What in the hell are you doing in Hollywood?

Arnold: I'd always wanted to come here and do this. I got the idea from watching TV and movies, and seeing the effect actors had on people and how everybody liked them. I thought I could get everybody to like me if I became a movie star. I remember sitting in the lunchroom at the meatpacking plant one day, and everybody was going on and on about how funny this guy Robin Williams was. Mark & Mindy had just come on, so I started watching it. I actually had a dream that I would do a movie with Robin Williams and that he would become my best friend, and that everybody would love me, especially back in Ottumwa, which was the only place that mattered to me. Eventually, I did do a movie with Robin Williams. He's not my best friend, but we're friendly. He's a nice guy. He sent me a note the other day along with some alcohol-free wine, because he doesn't drink, either. Of course, unlike in my dream, not everybody loves me, but a lot of people like me. It almost worked out perfectly.

8.

Playboy: What Midwest virtues must you suspend when you are working in your chosen field?

Arnold: [Takes a deep breath] First, truth. The truth is more blurred here than it is in the Midwest. There's so much hype added to reality that you have to struggle to remember what's real. And promises are not kept. People believe they keep their promises, but there's a lot of amnesia out here. What's worse is that the longer you live and work here, the more you learn to adapt to it. You learn to tell the truth in a different way. Out here, people are so afraid of losing their jobs or losing you as a client that the most important goal is self-protection. I have also met people with incredible integrity. In fact, the more powerful the person, the more honest he or she can be. But fear is still the predominant emotion. Another missing virtue is loyalty. When money is involved in anything, most people don't care about personality or work--they care about the money. If somebody is making them money, that's the side they're on. Oddly enough, if you get screwed over, this town also has a lot of sympathy for you because it happens to everybody. It has happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger and all the biggest stars. And if it's happened to him, it's probably going to happen to me a lot more. I take it all with a grain of salt because, no matter what, I'm still luckier than hell to be doing this. Also, out here you get fired a lot. In Iowa that doesn't happen so much.

9.

Playboy: Yet you somehow managed to get the hook at the meatpacking plant. Why? And what did you learn from carving up raw meat that prepared you for a life in showbiz?

Arnold: Yes, I did get fired. I was arrested for public nudity--streaking--on a day I had called in sick. The next morning, of course, I had to call in sick again--from jail. I said I was home, but the other guys in the cell were yelling, so I blew my cover. They fired me. [Smiles] You can learn a lot about this business in a meatpacking plant. There's a lot of death. Also, if you're the best ham-fatter or the best head-chiseler, everybody knows it and you become kind of a star. I was a celebrity at my plant when I was 18, because I would eat anything. That was my hook. People would bring hot peppers to work and I would eat them. They'd pay me. On the line, I'd chop a hunk of meat off the hog as it was going by and eat it--whatever piece that was--raw. I didn't find anything too disgusting. They were very impressed. I would also moon people. And I "red-boned" people--that's when you put a ham bone into some blood and stick it on someone's butt. We wore white uniforms. It was very funny. I got much the same attention at the plant that I get out here.

10.

Playboy: We need to know: What's a head-chiseler?

Arnold: [Smiles] That's a good job. When the heads come by you, on a stake, each one is facing you. You have something that looks like a knife sharpener and you dig that into the temples to get out the head meat--the temple meat--which is very good meat. We stripped the hog down to nothing. We'd use every part. I liked being a head-chiseler. We had a good view of the whole kill floor, and we could throw meat at the guys who pulled leaf lard. I pulled leaf lard, too. That was a horrible job. That's when the hogs come by right after they've been killed. They're split open and you pull the fat out of the inside of the ribs. It eats off your fingernails.

11.

Playboy: Describe what it's like to work out with Schwarzenegger. How did you measure up when standing next to him in your underwear? Did you have a selfesteem mantra?

Arnold: With Arnold, you learn something every time, because he's a machine. He knows everything about everything. He does a simple workout: a half hour of weights and a half hour on the bike. An hour a day, and he looks that great! But standing next to him was sad. His body is so good. He wore little Speedo shorts. I wore boxers at first, because you can pull them up over the first hump of your stomach. He didn't have a hump on his stomach, by the way. And I don't either, anymore--but they made me wear the Speedos because the boxers showed up on camera. It was humiliating. I thought, Well, this is the worst nightmare ever. It's like dreaming in grade school that you're in your underwear in front of all the kids and they're laughing. But it was also a good experience. I just kept saying, "It's going to be over soon."

12.

Playboy: Arnold's been around. What was his best advice?

Arnold: Arnold is really a sweet guy. He has it worked out. He has his family, and he has his career. He married a woman who is smart and tough. He told me, "Stay away from bimbos. That's not going to work for you. You need somebody as smart as you, and you need somebody who's not going to put up with your crap. That's the only way you can respect and love somebody." That's what he's done. That's what I'm going to do.

13.

Playboy: You now have a young fiancée. Describe the joys of loving a coed.

Arnold: I'm not trying to defend myself, but when I met Julie she was already a college senior. I met her at a birthday party for David Spade at the Viper Room. She was visiting from Michigan and I just started talking with her. She's going to be a kindergarten teacher, and that says a lot about somebody. I said, "You want to go out on a date?" We did and had a great time. I've taken her to Australia. I took her to New York for her first time. It's a whole new world out there for some people.

14.

Playboy: You and Roseanne were famous for your tattoos. Now that you're no longer a couple, are you having any removed?

Arnold: [Opens shirt] Yep, this one [points to a tattoo of Roseanne's face]. And I'm having her name taken off here, her initials off here and her name off my butt. I have a new tattoo, the Chinese symbol for love, on my leg. I read that Rosie got the tattoo that said property of tom arnold covered up. It was on her butt. The joke was that it made me the fourth largest property owner in California--she actually laughed very hard at that. But she had it covered up, not removed. I suppose it will confuse the next owner if he scrapes off the new tattoo and discovers my name there.

15.

Playboy: For years you have struggled with your weight. Describe your ultimate pig-out.

Arnold: One pig-out I like is McDonald's. I eat four Big Macs and four Quarter Pounders with cheese, a large fries and a box of 20 Chicken McNuggets. And then on the way home--I don't want to eat like that in front of people because it's too embarrassing--I eat four more cheeseburgers. You can just stuff them in. I've done it many times. It's sad. But it's also good. Or I'll eat a gallon of Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I get four quarts of my favorites and eat them one after another. The Cheesecake Factory is also an incredible pig-out. I eat the pizza, and then I have six or seven pieces of cheesecake. Last summer my friend Chris Farley was out here staying at the Pritikin Clinic, trying to get in shape. He was doing great. I was trying, too. I called him up and said, "Listen, let's go out and talk." He said OK, so we went over to Le Dome in our sweatpants and just went for it. We each ate ten desserts. We ordered everything they had. That was a great pig-out. I like food that doesn't require much cutting, is simple to eat and in every bite you get a lot of stuff. I don't like to have to pick through food, like searching for a bit of chicken in a bowl of lettuce. That's fine for eating, but not for pigging. I like steak, but I don't like to cut it into pieces. And you can't eat it fast enough. A Quarter Pounder with cheese melts in your mouth, so you can shove it down and have more. I also like to buy 15 candy bars at a time. My favorites are anything with chocolate and nuts: Snickers, Peanut M&Ms, Payday, Almond Joy, Salted Nut Roll, Baby Ruth. Now, we all know I'm concerned about my weight and physique, so I just do this once in a while and get it over with. It's another thing if it goes into the next day. I'll never have a pig-out in the morning and I'll never have one during the day. It has to be at night when nothing is planned for me. I go right to bed afterward and watch a little TV.

16.

Playboy: Which of the 12 steps is your favorite?

Arnold: The first step is my favorite in every way. It's admitting you have a problem, that there's something wrong. The fourth step was hardest for me. You're supposed to take a look at all the people you've hurt and make amends to them. You also make a list of the people who've hurt you--what they did and how it made you feel. Then there's another column for what your responsibility was in it. That makes it a little bit easier to forgive and move on. The great thing is that you have to move on. You can't have resentments. You just have to say, OK, this is what happened, this is how it felt--and you have to get over it.

17.

Playboy: You once met President Bush after having made many jokes at his expense. Describe the encounter.

Arnold: One day, at Planet Hollywood in Vegas, George and Barbara Bush showed up. Arnold Schwarzenegger hadn't arrived yet--he didn't even know they were going to be there. A Secret Service guy asked me if I'd sit with the Bushes until Arnold got there. I said I'd be honored. They talked to me so nicely. And it dawned on me, as I was thinking of some of the jokes I'd made about him during his presidency, that maybe I should be feeling bad. When I talked with Maria Shriver a couple of days later I said, "I really felt bad sitting there--but they probably don't even know who I am, right?" She goes, "Yeah, they do." Oops. So I wrote him a letter. I said, "I just want to thank you for what you've done for the country and for Jews, and I want to apologize for things. You're a human being. We can disagree on politics, but to get personal is unacceptable." In less than a week I got a handwritten letter back from him saying that he and Barbara had enjoyed meeting me. He said, "It's not a big deal. Public figures have this burden. It happens. You're forgiven." It was just so cool.

18.

Playboy: What's more Hollywood, Hollywood or Washington, D.C.?

Arnold: In both places, the lawyers are in control. People in Hollywood want to be in politics. They want to feel that they're important in that way. People in politics would rather be in show business, because they are in show business. They're always trying to come up with something new, something different. It's all about your image and the press. Those guys deserve whatever money they make because they have to kiss ass completely every two, four, six years, with people they can't stand. Then, once they get elected, they get a break from kissing ass. Then they're like, "Fuck you guys. I'm elected and I'm going to be my asshole self." But then they have to start kissing ass again.

19.

Playboy: What's your most attractive quality, and your most embarrassing?

Arnold: I'm a pretty caring, loving guy. For a guy. [Laughs] I have a sort of attention deficit-hyperactive disorder. It's been a source of amusement for a long time. What's embarrassing is that if I control one twitch, I get another. I used to rock my legs a lot, and then I started rocking back and forth. I tried to work on my legs and then I started pinching my face and licking my lips. And my eyes started blinking a lot. It always goes to something else. I'm conscious of it when I watch myself on television. I have one agent who just watches to see if I rock on TV. They feel, at the agency, that the calmer I am, the more I appear in control. If I had my way I would rock all the time, back and forth. That feels comfortable. I'll need five more years of hard work before I can sit absolutely still. But I've come a long way. Now the only thing that makes me nervous is talking to lawyers.

20.

Playboy: We have seen your life with Roseanne portrayed in two TV movies. Your ex has said that she wishes they'd waited to make the films until she was dead. Do you feel the same way?

Arnold: I didn't watch the shows, but I read both scripts. They were really badly written, and the way I was portrayed was nothing like me. Many things did not happen. I tried not to get upset, but they had things about me slapping her, and I never hit her. Rosie said I did, once, but she took it back and explained that her lawyers made her say it. I've accepted that explanation. I just don't like seeing something that's not true. I don't mind being portrayed as an idiot--that's fine. I don't even mind being portrayed as a guy who was kind of goofy and who manipulated his wife into firing everybody and causing trouble. That's not true either, but if that's what people want to believe, that's fine. The bottom line is that I'm not going to obsess about it. It's part of being famous, but it won't happen to me again.