Don't Worry, We Only Kill Each Other

Let's face it: Deep inside every man there is a mobster yearning to breathe free. He may be a small mobster, a weenie among mobsters, a mobster who doesn't do anything but put on a pinkie ring occasionally. Why? It's simple. We all want to seem cool, we all want to seem tough, we all want to look like we know our way around a broad and a pool cue and the business end of a calamari. Like the Old West, mob life is one of America's great myths, and we can't get enough of it. The mob has provided an alter ego for each American era. It doesn't matter that real mobsters, men like Sam Giancana and Albert Anastasia and Carmine "the Snake" Persico, were and are brutes and thugs and sociopaths who would without effort turn us into sausage meat. Inside all of us is a little mobster yearning to breathe free.

Vito Corleone of The Godfather was the mob's first hero. Thanks to Vito, men who had previously rooted for Eliot Ness, who for years listened to Sinatra without detecting a hint of subtext, suddenly began picturing their enemies asleep with the fishes. The Godfather is set in the Fifties, but it is truly a Seventies picture. Vito rejected authority while living an ethical life--at least within the norms of the society he inhabits. The little mobster inside was delighted.

Hollywood fed us more mobsters after The Godfathers, all less magisterial than Vito: the over-the-top Scarface, the scheming outerborough thugs of Goodfellas, the pathetic small-timers of Donnie Brasco, the downsized Michael of Godfather Part III.Filling the gap fell to John Gotti, who offered the public glamour, bravura and some Teflon-coated escapes. He ruled while establishment types were acting like mobsters: Savings and loan officials looted the safes, Oliver North stonewalled Congress, George Steinbrenner paid for dirt about Dave Winfield, Mike Ovitz allegedly said he would send his "foot soldiers up and down Wilshire" to destroy a screenwriter. A celebrity mafioso was just part of the parade. Then the show drew to a close. Gotti turned out to be a bad don whose lapses proved so disastrous that, unlike Trump, Ovitz, Milken and Steinbrenner, he has yet to enjoy a comeback.

The mafioso of the moment is Tony Soprano, a middle-aged, suburban mobster dad with a familyand headaches and an SUV that gets lousy mileage. Mobsters used to be guys from the old neighborhood, but Tony is from our neighborhood. We like him for his modern virtues. He's a good boss,a considerate family man, a guy who's getting in touch with his inner feelings. If he's short-tempered, well, haven't we all succumbed to a bout of road rage now and then? And just because he's a killer, who among us doesn't have an issue or two to work on?

The beauty of the mob myth lies in how it has adapted to change. It's a prism through which we view ourselves. We've seen the magisterial mob and the downsized mob, a "Take the cannoli" mob and a "Take the Prozac" mob. And we will keep watching, of course. Who in 2020 won't tune into see what Meadow Soprano does with her dad's organization?

The Quotable Mobster

In mob history, turning a phrase is second only to turning informant

On Optimism

"I'm only going out for a few minutes. Besides, I'm wearing thermal underwear."--Genovese crime lieutenant Tony Bender, in the last words spoken to his wife before his 1962 disappearance

The Principles of Business

"Don't worry, we only kill each other."--Bugsy Siegel, trying to calm Flamingo builder Del Webb

On Answering to a Higher Authority

"God is a fucking fag."--John Gotti

On Math

"It was 49, Your Honor."--Convicted murderer Richard Pagliarulo at his sentencing, interrupting the judge who'd pegged his body count at 48

By Way of Explanation

"I'm going to shoot some pheasants."--Capone torpedo and avid golfer Sam "Golf Bag" Hunt, explaining to inquisitive lawmen the presence of a shotgun in his golf bag

Quiz For Made Guys

are you ready to join our social club?

1. Bonanno family capo Nicky Marangello was known by three nicknames. Which of these was not among them?

(a) Nicky Glasses. (b) Nicky Cigars. (c) Little Nicky. (d) Nicky the Pooh.

2. In federal prison, boss Vito Genovese gave hit man Joe Valachi a kiss. What happened next?

(a) Nothing. They remained good friends. (b) Joe filed a sex harassment suit. (c) Joe slipped him some tongue. (d) Recognizing the kiss of death, Joe turned informer.

3. Which sentence uses the word fugazy the way a mobster would?

(a) "This diamond is fake. It's a fugazy!" (b) "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's fugazy." (c) "The secret to my scungilli is that I marinate it in fugazy." (d) "Fugazy inna girl's eyes, maybe later she put out."

4. What mobster is featured in a Bruce Springsteen song?

(a) Phil "Chicken Man" Testa ("Atlantic City"). (b) Pico "Rosalita" della Mirandella ("Rosalita"). (c) Benedetto "Tom Joad" Croce ("Ghost of Tom Joad"). (d) Lorenzo "Dancing in the Dark" Borgia ("Dancing in the Dark").

5. What did mobster Longy Zwillman keep in his wallet?

(a) Ten dollars in mad money for emergencies. (b) His Dick Tracy Junior Crimebusters ID card. (c) A photo of Sinatra. (d) A lock of Jean Harlow's pubic hair.

6. What does a mobster mean when he says he's "bringing both sets"?

(a) His wife and his girlfriend. (b) The books the boss sees and the books the IRS sees. (c) His Callaways and his Pings. (d) Two pinkie rings.

7. When mobsters send a floral arrangement to the funeral of a fellow mobster, what does the ribbon customarily say?

(a) See You In Hell. (b) R.I.P., You Rat Bastard. (c) How Could This Have Happened? (d) Our Pal.

8. What was the biggest regret of Louis "Two Gun" Alterie?

(a) Not finishing school. (b) Not spending more time with his kids. (c) All those cannonli! (d) When he began packing a third gun, the press did not redub him "Three Gun."

9. Why is Baldwin-Wallace College in Berea, Ohio referred to as Mafia U.?

(a) It has a fine criminology program. (b) Danny Greene went there. (c) It offers courses in loan-sharking. (d) The school has cooperated with the Witness Protection Program in creating false identities.

10. What does "buckwheats" mean to a mobster?

(a) A good source of fiber. (b) Alfalfa's friend. (c) A commodities scam. (d) Torturing a victim prior to execution.

11. What did Joe Colombo do to Carlo Gambino that Gambino had him hit?

(a) He forgot to send Carlo a Christmas card. (b) He made disparaging remarks about the way Carlo's social club was decorated. (c) He referred to Carlo as "Gam-Ween-o". (d) He spit in Carlo's face.

12. What did Godfather Joseph Profaci keep in his basement?

(a) A foosball game. (b) A washer and drier. (c) Meat hooks and a band saw. (d) An altar for family mass.

13. What is the name of this tightly knit West Coast group known for its muscle?

(a) Mickey Mouse Mafia. (b) The Gazpacho Gang. (c) The Starstruck Syndicate. (d)Miramax Films.

14. What does "omertà " mean?

(a) Manliness. (b) Let us pray. (c) Shut up, asshol. (d) Scrambled eggs with roasted peppers and parmesan.

15. What, besides his name and address, did Al Capone have on his business card?

(a) King Of The Underworld. (b) Product Of A Broken Home. (c) Secondhand Furniture Dealer. (d) Hit Ten, Get The Next One Free!

1. d, 2. d, 3. a, 4. a, 5. d, 6. a, 7. d, 8. d, 9. d, 10. d, 11. d, 12. d, 13. a, 14. a. 15. c

Mob Recordings

Thanks to the efforts of law enforcement officers, there are now more recordings of mobsters than there are of Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Tony Bennett, Vic Damone, Buddy Greco, Jerry Vale, Louis Prima and Jimmy Roselli put together. Here ara some hits:

Consigliere Joseph Russo and capo Vincent Ferrara, of the Patriarca crime family of New England, prepare for a secret initiation rite in 1989:

Russo: "OK, we could put some seats over there, and some over there. Christ, these seats take up a lot of fucking space." Ferrara: "You could put some there."

Russo: "A lot of fucking space. And the food's going to take up a lot of space. What are you putting over there?"

Ferrara: "Ashtrays."

Russo: "Fuck, Vinny, I told you this is a nonsmoking house. I don't want to see any ashtrays. If she smells smoke when she comes back, she's going to have a fit. These guys don't hate me enough, now I'm in charge of this."

Ferrara: "We got to do the test we can, Joe."

Russo: "I know."

Ferrara: "And they're all stupid. What do you care what they think?"

Russo: "Look, I don't want any criticism from anybody in any way, shape or form."

John Gotti, recorded in federal prison in January 1998, speaks to his brother Peter and to his grandson. Gotti encourages the boy to study hard and become a lawyer. The boy says he'd rather be a professional athlete:

Gotti: "To be a good basketball player or baseball player, first of all, you got to be a good liar. A good lowlife and an imbecile. And you got to take steroids! You must take steroids, and anybody who takes steroids is a garbage pail."

Boy:[Softly] "Fine. Then I'll be a crook."

Gotti: "I don't care if you'll be nothin'! You think you're being spiteful with me? You'll get an ass-kicking from me! I know how to raise children!"

[The boy drops his head against his chest.]

Gotti: "You ain't doing me no favor coming to see me and talking sass to me! I will put my foot right up your ass. Don't you look at me like that! I'm more serious than cancer! You can look as sad as you want. Now, give that phone to your uncle and get out of here!"

[The grandson flees the cubicle, head down.]

Gotti: [To his brother] "These visits, I got to keep them to a minimum. When I go back upstairs to my cell, it breaks my heart. Let's try and salvage some of this visit. You know anything good? Anything good anyone wants to talk about?"

Peter: "Not really, everything's normal."

Gotti: "That's perfect. That's terrifying. Normal. Normal in this family is terrifying, that's for sure. Normal in this family is terrifying."

Members of the DeCavalcante family of New Jersey--capo Anthony Rotondo and several soldiers, one of whom is an informant wearing a wire--talking before a sit-down on March 3, 1999:

Joseph "Tin Ear" Sclafani:

"Hey, what's this fucking thing 'Sporanos'? What the fuck are they?"

Ralphie [cooperating with the feds]: "You ever watch it?"

Sclafani: "Is that supposed to be us?"

Rotondo: "You're in there. They mentioned your name in there."

Sclafani: "Yeah, what did they say?"

Billy [last name unknown]:

"'Watch out for that guy,' they said. 'Watch out for that guy.'"

Rotondo: "Every show you watch. More and more you pick up somebody. Every show."

Sclafani:"Yeah, but it's not me. I'm not even existing over there."

Rotondo: "One week it was Corky. One week it was, well, from the beginning it was Albert G., the guy that died and had stomach cancer."

Billy: "They had the guy die with stomach cancer?"

Sclafani: "Yeah, but where do they get this information from?"

Billy: "I'm telling you. You got to watch."

Sclafani: "So what they say?"

Rotondo: "Aren't they funny? What characters. Great acting."

The Numbers Racket

3000

Annual interest rate percentage, according to one investigation, charged by a typical Manhattan loan shark.

$400

Net worth, in millions, of Meyer Lansky at the time of his death in 1983.

59

Number of slugs found in the body of Joseph Aiello, Chicago mobster, in 1930. The slugs added more than a pound to Aiello's body weight.

18

Number of putts taken on the sixth green by an upset Sam Giancana when he discovered himself under close personal surveillance by half a dozen FBI agents.

14

Age at which Bugsy Siegel was already heading his own gang.

547

Weight in pounds of Peter "Fat Pete" Chiodo, Lucchese family enforcer. His avoirdupois enabled him to absorb seven bullets from a hit man and live.

5

Cost, in cents, of a bunch of parsley to restaurant owners in Manhattan in the early Eighties.

40

Cost, in cents, after the Mafia got control of the parsley market. Remarkably, in defiance of the law of supply and demand, restaurant owners increased their orders.

1

Number of dollars received by bandleader Tommy Dorsey for releasing Frank Sinatra from his contract, after the intercession of mobster Willie Moretti.

$1.2 million

Amount per year the World Trade Center paid to a mafia-connected trash hauler.

$150,000

Amount paid when a legitimate businessman replaced him.

Mafia Man

New York attorney Lou Diamond estimate that he has handled more than 10,000 criminal cases during his career Among his clients have been bosses, acting bosses, underbosses and consiglieri.

What's the best part of representing monsters?

There is no best part now. Ten or fifteen years ago I would have given you a completely different answer. Then they constituted the most exciting cases a criminal trial lawyer could handle, action at a very high level.

What's been the big change?

Drugs. And the penalties for dealing drugs. Back then, you had higher-quality clients, old-timers who had honor. They didn't give up people. You didn't have everybody looking to become a cooperating witness.

What's the worst part?

Not getting paid. Some of these guys would rather eat their children than pay me. There was a lawyer [he mentions the name of a well-known attorney] who had his arm broke a couple years ago. He told everybody it was a mugger trying to get his Rolex. Later it came out Gotti had somebody break his arm because he kept asking for money for court transcripts.

Gee, that makes them seem like cheapskates.

They don't have the money anymore. They're on the run. Look at the crimes they're committing. Acts of desperation. One guy I know, when he got straightened out, he got depressed. He told me, "Before, I was a good earner, made a good living. Now I got this one-way ticket to jail or to the graveyard."

What's the future of organized crime?

The Europeans, particularly the Russians. They're like the Sicilians who came over at the turn of the century in that they're hard and ruthless. But they're also very sophisticated and well financed.

Is "The Sopranos" realistic?

Absolutely. If anything, they haven't shown how hilarious the really stupid stuff is that they do. Shooting a bakery clerk in the foot over some cannoli? I got that case yesterday. That happens all the time.

On Popularity

"Senator, I'm the best goddamned lay in the world."--Actress Virginia Hill, at Senate hearings, explaining why so many mobsters liked her

On Being Careful

"I take the Fifth on the horse and the broad."--Chicago hood Fifi Buccieri, on the rumor that his brother had given a horse to his girlfriend

On Upholding Appearances

I'm sorry, counselor. I'd rather blow the goddamned case."--Frank Costello, known as the Prime Minister of the Underworld, refusing his attorney's advice that he dress less sharply while on trial

On Regrets, I've Had a Few

"Jesus, I'm sorry to hear that."-- Vincent "The Chin" Gigante to John Gotti, after Gotti announced his son had become a made member

I've learned too late that you need just as good a brain to make a crooked million as an honest million. These days you apply for a license steal from the public. If I had my time again, I'd make sure I got tha license first."--Lucky Luciano

On Paying the I Consequences

"The guy really pissed me off. When I shot him in the head, his blood spurted all over my car. And I had just washed that goddamn car."--Anthony "Gas Pipe" Casso

The Real Deal

As lovable as mobsters may be, it's important not to forget that deep down, many of these colorful rogues are actually sadists of the vicious sort. Tony Spilotro, Chicago's man in Vegas, once crushed a man's head in a vise until his eyes popped out. Riccardo "Richie The Boot" Boiardo, a legend in the Lucchese family, maintained a crematorium on his New Jersey property where he sometimes roasted his victims alive. The kill-happy members of the DeMeo crew would pop victims then hang their corpses in the shower until the blood drained out; they became so bloodthirsty Big Paulie Castellano had to have them killed. William "Action" Jackson, a 300-pound bag man from Chicago who was suspedted of being a stoolie, was hanged for two days by his chained feet from a meat hook by Mad Sam DeStefano. DeStefano. He'd been beaten, shot, carved with a razor and burned with a blowtorch; a fed bug caught one of his killers gleefully reminiscing about the ordeal, regretting only that he died too soon. Finally, consider the case of the architect who worked on Gas Pipe Casso's million-dollar home and submitted a $40,000 bill. Gas Pipe dismembered the architect, but not until he worked him over with an acetylene torch and gouged out his eyes with red-hot spoons.