Open All Night

When Most Decent Folk are Snug in Bed, Dave Attell, Host of Comedy Central's "Insomniac," Is Prowling the Streets, On The Hunt For Fellow Creatures of the Night or Just A Poorly Lit Place to Guzzle his Next Drink, If That Means he has to Visit Every Truck Stop, Strip Joint and Naked Karaoke Bar in America, So Be It. Try To Keep up on This Whirlwind Trip to Favorite Wee-Hour Destinations. Trust Us, You don't Want to See These Places When The Sun Comes Up.

Best Girls with Guns

I'm a lover, not a sniper, so I made a point of checking out the Range USA indoor shooting range in Memphis on ladies' night. Every Thursday, pistol-packing local lovelies forgo "Will & Grace" for Smith & Wesson (and free shooting time). There's something erotic about a woman standing squat-legged, breathing slowly, her finger caressing the trigger of a nine millimeter--as long as it's not pointed at me. Take your special lady and watch her get all Second Amendment on your ass. Then go home and make love to the sweet sounds of the Nuge. (901-213-4774)

Best Down 'N' Dirty Strip Joint

Atlanta is known for its world-class, babes-galore gentlemen's clubs. Clermont Lounge ain't one of them. The joint does have some hot mamas--it's one of the few strip clubs where you might marvel at a mother-daughter team sharing the pole onstage. These ladies are not generic, silicone-pumped strippers. Clermont dancers have lived a life. Cellulite is the norm, and teeth are optional. And though the girls may not be "Baywatch" material, they more than make up for it with heart. Until you've seen Blondie Strange smash beer cans between her boobs while Bernadette slaps her ass in time to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia," you haven't lived. (404-874-4783)

Best Trucker Mecca

To most folks, a truck stop is a place to fuel up and peel out. To me, it's a 24-hour playground to get buzzed off diesel fumes. Love's Truck Stop in North Little Rock, Arkansas stands out because it's hopping at four A.M. Hungry? Order the fried chicken. Want to get stomped? Mention what a great president Clinton was. I got on the CB radio and flirted with a lady trucker...I think. When it was time to go, I hitched. There's no better way to see America than bound and gagged in a lunatic's rig. (501-945-5400)

Best Hottie Wheels

Austin, Texas is known as a crunchy hippie town full of college kids, unemployed musicians and computer nerds. I say drop your PalmPilot and head to Playland Skate Center, where the Bad Girl, Good Woman roller derby league is one of Texas's best-kept secrets. Watch in awe as local favorites Reyna Terror, Buckshot Betsy, the Wrench and Melicious dominate the rink, leaving mayhem and destruction in their wake. These she-devils are superhot, spurred on by pounding rock music and booze-fueled fans. Just don't stand too close, or you may get pulled into the action as I did. After getting hip-checked, I found myself at the bottom of a roller girl pile--fists flying, thighs pumping, breasts popping. It was heaven. (512-452-1901)

Best 24-Hour Elvis Shrine

Sometimes that burning desire to see the King's Twinkie wrapper won't wait till sunrise. Luckily Graceland Too, a ramshackle antebellum home in Holly Springs, Mississippi that's jammed basement to rafters with everything Elvis, receives visitors at any hour (or blood alcohol level). Proprietor Paul McLeod and his son, Elvis Aaron Presley McLeod, lead the $5 tour, which includes near-priceless original Sun records and tons of almost worthless crap. (Paul's wife made him choose between her and Elvis years ago. Can you guess who he chose?) Don't miss the room wallpapered with thousands of photos of every Graceland Too visitor. A couple of them even look sober. (662-252-2515)

Best Real-Life Fight Club

If dealing with Salt Lake City's Mormons all day has left you with some anger issues, Club 90 is the perfect place to resolve them. Smoke-filled and packed with drunks, this church of latter-night butt whippings lets those of any faith climb in the ring and duke it out. If you prefer just watching, don't miss the part when two foxy lasses take over the canvas to give oil-wrestling demos. This is no beer-commercial catfight--these girls really throw down. The promoter asked me if I wanted to fight, but I politely declined. My bell was already ringing from the four shots to the head my old sparring partner Jack Daniel's threw me in the parking lot. Kickboxing in Donny and Marie's home state--who knew? (801-566-3254)

Best Naked Karaoke

Ending a night of drinking with karaoke is not that unusual. But nude karaoke? Time to lay off the boilermakers. The nudist Shangri La Ranch, just far enough outside Phoenix to discourage gawkers, hosts nude karaoke on weekends. If you're envisioning hard bodies and buns of steel, think again--it's more like "American Idol" meets "Cocoon." The stars are mostly retirees who enjoy spending their twilight years belting out tunes in the buff. You haven't lived until you've seen a naked, graying college professor warble "Come, Mister Tally Man, tally me banana" off-key. Sit back, sip a brew and try not to get caught staring at Grandma's rack. (623-465-5959)

Best Fireworks Superstore

Nighttime is the right time to blow shit up, but the vast majority of our great land's fireworks purveyors keep standard retail hours. Powder-filled pyrotechnics are perfectly legal in South Carolina, and Dynamite Fireworks of Myrtle Beach takes full advantage by staying open later than most competitors. Its selection of M-80s, blockbusters and Roman candles boggles the mind--if it snaps, crackles and sends up a mushroom cloud, Dynamite has a section for it. I'm fairly sure even some WMDs were tucked away in back for special customers. Ask nicely and the clerks may take you outside to light a few. Just be ready to clam up when the United Nations inspectors show. (843-449-8220)