Playboy's 20Q: Joe Rogan

1

Playboy: Now that you've assumed the recliner throne as host, how will The Man Show be different?

Rogan: Obviously, Jimmy Kimmel and Adam Carolla were funny hosts and it was a funny show, but they had a lighthearted take. My take is more unapologetic. My co-host, Doug Stanhope, and I are going to do shit we think is funny. Here's what's ironic, though: The person at Comedy Central responsible for approving the bits in The Man Show is a woman. We're already running into censorship issues, and I don't know how much of our vision is going to get across. Rest assured, though, whatever does get across will be a lot darker and will make a lot of people angry. And that's fine with me.

2

Playboy: Could you give an example of when you butted heads with the censor? ROGAN: We came up with a bit called the Fuck Bed, about a bed built of steel girders, monster-truck shocks and gym mats. The sketch starts with a guy having sex with his girlfriend. She's about to have her first orgasm, but the bed falls apart. So we test this gigantic bed with a 370-pound bodybuilder having sex with a blowup doll. The censor said that was misogynistic. How could that be misogynistic? Is sex misogynistic?

3

Playboy: What happens when you see a perfect pair of breasts?

Rogan: I just go, "How great is it?" It just goes right to your DNA. Breasts to a guy are like a lightbulb to a moth. But if I had to choose between no tits and a nice ass, or big tits and a flat ass, I'd go with the nice ass every time.

4

Playboy: Is there any subject that's just not funny?

Rogan: There is no subject that isn't funny. Funny is funny, but you can't force it. A good comedian says things he thinks are funny. A bad comedian says things he thinks you're going to laugh at. There's funny in everything--executions, abortion, cancer. All of it can be funny if it is treated properly.

5

Playboy: You started in stand-up. Which comics do you admire and which do you hate?

Rogan: The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own. Stand-up comedy is supposed to be "Here's the world through my eyes." It's supposed to be your observations, your thoughts and views on life. When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a known thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.

6

Playboy: You've mastered tae kwon do, kickboxing and Brazilian jujitsu. If an obnoxious bar patron picks a fight, how do you determine which martial art you should employ to whip his ass?

Rogan: It depends on how obnoxious he is. Martial arts remove the need to prove yourself. If someone calls you a dildo, are you really a dildo? If I don't feel physically threatened, chances are I won't do anything. If you're on a quest to kick the shit out of all the douche bags, you'll never get anything done, because there are more douche bags than normal people.

7

Playboy: Describe the erotic applications of martial arts.

Rogan: Increased flexibility can lead to more interesting positions. Whether they admit it or not, women are attracted to men who know how to fight. Women are always turned on by the dominating male, because we're all 99 percent chimpanzee.

8

Playboy: You hosted an all-Playmate episode of Fear Factor. Are Playmates uniquely equipped for reality TV?

Rogan: Clearly their architecture is suited for television, because we're most likely to get good ratings by putting on people you would really like to have sex with. We had a girl on who works for IBM as an account manager, and she's beautiful. If she were a Playmate, people would be paying a lot more attention to her. It's a stamp of approval. It's validation that people want to fuck you.

9

Playboy: How many times has something on Fear Factor made you throw up?

Rogan: Only once, and I was at home. I was watching an episode with a contestant drinking cocktail glasses filled with earthworms, and she kept chucking them onto the table. She would get them in her mouth, and they would come flying out. The editing on Fear Factor is phenomenal. Those guys know how to add music and sound effects and the close-ups of sweat beading off her face. Dude, I ran into the kitchen and just puked right in the sink. Pathetic. I was so embarrassed. Then I started thinking about how many people across the country probably threw up at the same time. Look at my job and how strong my stomach is, and the fact that 20 million other people are watching that same thing. At least a million people had to puke. I would like to hear from those people.

10

Playboy: How far are we from reality TV being like The Running Man?

Rogan: We've got to get prisoners into the mix. As soon as we start offering prisoners parole if they can get past a certain number of challenges without dying. We need something to lower the value of human life, like a nuclear explosion in Cleveland. I'm trying to pitch a show called Eat Shit. You take 10 people and put them in front of 10 scales. In front of those 10 scales you put 20 pounds of dog shit, and whoever eats the most dog shit in one hour wins $20 million. Can you tell me people wouldn't do it? Twenty million dollars for one hour of misery and humiliation? I'm rich, and I would do it.

11

Playboy: What are we three years away from in the field of adult entertainment?

Rogan: Mainstream celebrities doing porn. I may do it someday if I want to get out of my Fear Factor contract. I may really consider doing porn, because I don't know if I'll be able to do an eighth season of Fear Factor. They'll have to pump me full of ephedrine and push me onto the set. How many fucking helicopter stunts can you do before it's enough already?

12

Playboy: You've said that having a dick means you're untrustworthy. True?

Rogan: There are two different men living inside one body. There's the guy who pays your rent, chooses your career and asks the girl out to dinner. That guy thinks he's running shit. Then there's the other dude who comes out when you get a hard-on. The guy who thinks he's in control is really just driving around the dick, putting it in a position where it's most likely to get some. When you get a hard-on, it feels like you're no longer driving your life but sitting in the back of a long bus watching some other dude drive it. You're trying to talk to him, but there's all this engine noise. "Do you even know where you're going?" He's yelling back, "You shut the fuck up. I'm in control here." When I'm fucking, that's when it's clear to me that I'm really just an animal. We're monkeys with Tivos, but we're just monkeys, man. I'm not buying all the spirituality. C'mon, religion is like a Charlie's Angels movie. If you pay any attention to the plot, you're going to lose interest.

13

Playboy: Give us three cardinal rules of dating.

Rogan: Rule number one: Don't believe the hype. Don't get sucked into some Sandra Bullock movie in your head. She's not Meg Ryan, you're not Tom Hanks. Rule number two: Be honest. You like watching porn? Don't hide that shit when she comes over. You think Christianity is for sheep, don't lie because she's wearing a cross and you're trying to get in her pants. Rule number three: If you find yourself in a situation in which you can't be honest because you don't have access to a lot of women, you need to change that situation.

14

Playboy: You know you're in trouble with a woman when...

Rogan: I'm on a date and a girl says, "I'm very spiritual, and I'm looking for a man who's very spiritual," because then I know she has a crazy checklist. When a girl's got checklists--"My last date didn't open the car door for me, which was rude and disrespectful. I like being treated like a lady"--any of that crazy shit, just run. And a girl who says she doesn't like sex? Run. She doesn't like giving head? Run, run, run. Don't try to talk her into it, just run like your ass is on fire and the nearest fire hydrant is a mile away.

15

Playboy: Defend marriage.

Rogan: People are still getting married? That boggles the mind. My friend got married last weekend. Okay, you're following an ancient tribal ritual that binds you to this person and makes a legal contract recognized by the state. If your best friend came up to you and said, "Listen, man, you know we're best friends, right? Let's sign a contract that says we're best friends for life, and then if we ever decide not to be best friends, we go to court and you give me half your shit." You'd be like, "That's retarded."

16

Playboy: If women are so much trouble, why bother?

Rogan: Here's an area that gets gray when you become a celebrity, because they're not that much trouble anymore. When you're a regular Joe Schmo working for UPS, if you find a gal, you better hold on to her. If she senses you're not into commitment, she'll find some other dude. But throw celebrity into the mix, and all of a sudden a guy like David Spade becomes attractive. Look, he's a cool dude and I'm not dissing him, but why are chicks attracted to him? They're attracted to him because he's rich and famous, and that's just how it goes. It's a distortion of their natural instincts.

17

Playboy: Have women gotten funnier?

Rogan: No. There's always been Lucille Ball, and today there's Sarah Silverman and Margaret Cho. The expectations for women are different. They don't get as much of a break. When a woman steps onstage at a comedy club, she doesn't get the same reception men do if she talks openly about sex or, especially, about politics. It's like running with weights on.

18

Playboy: If you dated a comedienne, who would it be?

Rogan: I wouldn't do it. I won't date actresses either. It's not worth it. The probability of their being normal is so small. A lot of celebrities date other celebrities because they figure they're the only people who understand them. Plus, it compounds your own celebrity. Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas haven't made a good movie between them in a long fucking time, but they're still celebrities because they're married. I'd much rather date an artist or a painter. Those are the kinds of girls I'm into now.

19

Playboy: If you woke up in bed with Sarah Silverman, would you ask her to blow you just to get her to be quiet?

Rogan: I think Sarah's funny, so no. And I wouldn't ask her to blow me, because I like her boyfriend, Jimmy Kimmel. He's a good guy. That would be kind of rude, and I hope he would extend the same courtesy if he woke up with my girlfriend. I would just say, "Oh, can I give you a ride somewhere?"

20

Playboy: Are you the antidote to Dr. Phil?

Rogan: I always tell ladies, "Don't take relationship advice from a guy you don't want to fuck, because he's never going to tell you the truth. He's going to tell you exactly what you want to hear because that might get you to fuck him." You ask George Clooney a question, you're going to get an honest answer, because that guy could fuck anyone. When you ask Dr. Phil, that fat prick has to tell you what you want to hear, like "Before getting a divorce, you should exhaust all possible avenues for working out the relationship." Bullshit. He says that only because he doesn't have any options, that goofy, Donkey Kong-looking motherfucker. The ultimate Man Show stunt would be the kidnapping of Dr. Phil. We'd pick him up in a limo filled with strippers, get him drunk and make him admit that it's all a scam.