INSULTS, INFIGH i
JI
WHEN THE ONLY IN THAT COUNTS
ounterclockwise from middle front: 8:05 p.m. Jocks swap sad stories. Baseball's new king of clout, Barry Bonds, won-_ ders why nobody loves him, while soccer's David Beckham, the latest limey to conquer America, can't stay on the field. 8:45 p.m. Brawl! Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell head back to the mat, this time over...who cares? 9:33 p.m. It's Celebrity Oz Livel Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie and Lindsay Lohan, once tempting morsels of jailbait and now hardened ex-cons, tell Michael Vick how to make friends in the slammer, while he admires the gripping jawline of linkerbell, Paris's Chihuahua. 10:04 p.m. A round of Twisted Celebrity Twister breaks out, as addled shock jock Don I mus inserts his foot into his mouth, which Senator Larry Craig, using his extra-wide stance, takes as an invitation to play footsie. 10:15 p.m. Hey, fellas, what's the rush? The night is young and the administration has a year to go, but Karl Rove, the
White House's answerless resident genius, scampers for the parking lot, followed by Scooter "the Commuted" Libby and Alberto finiwnlpc, who can't recall whom he came with or how he's getting home. 10:49 p.m. extra! headless executive IN TOPLESS boardroom! Promising naked arbitrageurs on page 3, Rupert Murdoch peddles his newly acquired Wall Street Journal 11:15 p.m. Is it better to flame out or fade to black? American Idol oddity Sanjaya turns on the TV only to find somebody has pulled the plug on the Sopran finale, the most chewed-over piece of film since Zapruder's. 11:45 P.m. Gushfestl "No, Marty, you waited so much longer for your Oscar." "Yes, Peyton, but you had to spend all that time in Indianapolis waiting for your Lombardi." 11:57 p.m. Realizing her singing isn't getting her any attention, Britney Spears gives the world a wink. 11:59 p.m. Boom.' Is that Ahmadinejad setting off fireworks? No, it's Baby 2008, busting in.
